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What will happen in the final book of the HARRY POTTER series? Is anyone reading Book 6?

Here are some startling predictions I just made up:

Aunt Petunia is actually Lord Voldemort's mistress because she can't get enough of his snaky licks! She is also a full fledged witch but is keeping it to herself, a k a, the Samantha Stephens story updated to our century. Petunia is constantly torn by her desire to truly do good, be a typical suburban London prim and proper housewive, versus her sinful fetish for Lord V's humungus snake!

She has a priceless collection of diamond encrusted dog collars hidden away that he has given her for their encounters.

Shocking Reality: While Harry was being tortured in the cemetary (book 4) Petunia was setting out a buffet with her Vicar at her church reception room for the Death Eaters weekly Bingo Game and singles mixer.

Dudley is actually Lord V's love child and will be Harry's final challenge. Will Harry be smothered to death by Dudley's horrendously huge posterior in an ill fated gesture of reconciliation at a local "rent by the hour" hotel?

Will Hermoine and Ron stop sublimating their deep love and exchange X rated HallMark Cards on Vallentine's Day?

Will Muggles take over Diagon Alley, gentrifying it with adorable little lingerie and sunglasses boutiques and STARBUCKS outlets on every 2nd corner, along with large poster boards of 14 year old pouting girls and boys modeling the latest underwear from Vogue?

Will Ginny write a "tell all" expose of her relationship with Harry (like Princess Diana's tell all book?) and make millions of galleons, lifting the Weasles family out of poverty?

Will Percy and Fudge discreetly exchange commitment rings at a private ceremony, and then lodge together in a swank post-modern loft with a splendid view of the Thames?

Will authorities discover that Nevil's grandmother has been dead for years, and that sightings of her have actually been Nevil in drag, while her corpse is found in a rocking chair in a creepy old hotel along the lonely Hitchcock highway (when Nevil stabs to death a lonely tourist trying to take a shower at the shabby hotel at the bottom of the hill)?

Will Hogwarts ever survive the mass murder of all the kitchen elves from drinking poisoned Kool Aid at the urging of Sirious Black's former elf?

Will Lucious Malfoy be able to keep bleaching his hair "Marilyn Monroe" white while in prison?

Will the "Mark" become another fashion statement in the West End by wanna be muggle Euro trash?

Will Book 7 include Flying Monkeys? Every great book about witches should have some good old fashioned flying monkeys. I am feeling rather WIZARD OF OZZY (and Harriet?) right now.....

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