stay away from this post if a bit prudish!!!
#198142 - 07/21/05 08:41 AM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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Hi everyone - its my 26th birthday today. My husband bought me ballet lessons (like a voucher for a dance school here in NY) and then a catholic sexy school outfit....when I opened the outfit I went really quiet. It was the last thing I was expecting and I felt really awkward and hurt that this could be considered a bday present. I don't know how I would have felt if it was just given to me on a normal day - but some beautiful normal underwear would have gone down a lot better. I want to try and understand why I am feeling hurt and like my husband really misunderstood me (the last person you want to misunderstand you). He flipped out with embarrassment and couldn't laugh it off or anything...now we aren't talking to eachother - I've asked for space and I am all alone on my birthday. I just returned from London where my family and alllll my bestest friends in the world are and I can't help feeling sorry for myself a little and thinking how amazing my birthday would be in London. Can any of you relate to this or help me understand why I was so strange (or not) about that gift? I am a spiritual person in general so although I have a healthy sex drive, something about that gift made me feel cheap.
:-(
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Sorry I forgot about it!  Your one of my favorite people in the whole world!
I wish I could be there to celebrate with you. That must be hard to have all your friends and family so far alone on your special day. You have all of us...but we're so far away too. Thanks goodness for the internet.
The ballet lessons get an A in my opinion...what a cool idea for a gift. (I'm assuming you like ballet, right?)
The school girl outfit is a bit odd for a birthday gift. But the fact that he was embarrassed shows that he knew he made a misjudgment in choices/timing of this "gift".
I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would talk to him about this and "make-up" and celebrate your birthday together...he loves you and you don't want to be alone or sad on your birthday. I'm sure he just didn't think this through and just made a mistake. Don't let his bad choice in a gift get in the way of a fabulous birthday spent together, celebrating your day and your love for one another.
Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DALIA! Lots of love and hugs to you and fresh daisies and sunshine and rainbows and everything good in the world. 
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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what a beautiful message. thank you.
I really wanted to make it up with him this morning - but he stormed away out of embarrassment so I went out for a walk to give him space and expected him to call - he didn't - just went to work and went to a meeting as if he can call me later and its ok with him for me to lose the entire morning of my birthday because of his pride. I know it was a mistake and I just wanted us to laugh about it - but he really can't. So now I am FUMING!!!
Oh well. I wish I had friends here to celebrate my birthday with, but I don't.
Thanks so much for your wishes...you are lovely XXXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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but I chuckled a bit because I'd react the same way. I am spiritual, although not as publicly practicing as I should be, and healthy in terms of sexuality (I think), BUT I'm very...private about that maybe? Or just not as...experimental? It's hard to describe. I would feel cheap too. My husband is constantly joking about "filming" certain events. And I don't think it's wrong or immoral or anything like that, but for me I would be SO uncomfortable, would NEVER watch it, see it as potentially damaging should someone find it and just don't want to do it. I think so far it's a joke, but I know if I said "Ok!" he'd be all for it. (Will never happen).
Since your husband knows you so well, I wonder why he thought it was appropriate? Or didn't at least get you something else more meaningful to YOU, and make that gift more of a joke.
I'm so sorry!! That's a bummer! I think maybe you should just sit down and explain why it made you uncomfortable, and that you didn't mean to make HIM uncomfortable with your reaction, but that it just took you by surprise since it's not something you'd normally be into. You know find a way to say---no I don't think you're a weirdo, it's just not my cup of tea, how about we class things up a bit instead?
I'm not sure...but I don't think you're odd for feeling this way---if you're odd, so am I! (thinking now, I'm sure some of my friends would be fine with it, and some would react just like me.)
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Thank you!!! You see, even though its not my cup of tea at all, - like the whole getting changed into the outfit and walking out into the room to him would make me CRINGE! I much prefer spicing up sex life with abstaining for a number of days (like during my period) and hence increasing our spiritual connection and THEN returning to our physical life. This whole fantasising thing is just not really me. I mean, of course I have fantasisies, but to get all dressed up, I would feel so awkward and embarrassed and silly.
So I wanted to laugh about it with him - he has a friend that is into this kind of thing so I wish he could have laughed about it and said - oh well, we'll give it to so-and-so - but he has this HUGE PRIDE thing (his whole family do) and he took it so seriously. Sigh. Happy Birthday to me.
Thanks for your input.
This is not judgement on people that DO dress up, good for them, its just not me at all.
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETS!!!! 
Have you two discussed getting such an outift? Please don't be mad at him on your birthday! I'm not sure why that was your only gift though? That's a gift for HIM and not YOU!
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Agreed!
#198162 - 07/21/05 09:12 AM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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Re: fantasizing...it's not me either! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I mean, sure daydreams here and there, but not REAL fantasies involving objects and clothing, etc. I feel awkward just THINKING about it! And being on display that way. I think I have inherited my Dad's "prudishness", if you will. My husband has said "Don't you have any fantasies?" and I say "No, I don't need them I have you!" Ha ha.
Well, I'm sorry your birthday is a bummer. Your guy will get over his hurt pride and things will be ok. At the very least...a learning experience, no?
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I would take it this way-- he's looking to try something new. Perhaps a store clerk or a friend convinced him into it? In addition to the ballet gift (v. nice and sweet but at the same time also intimate because it deals with your body) he obviously finds you VERY attractive and desireable and wants more of that to come out in you. Blame modern guy magazines-- men can be VERY hormonal! 
I woul dbe wierded out too a bit, but i guess i would also take it as a compliment (a very bizzare, only-a-guy-would-do-this- compliment...)
Happy birthday anyhow! I'm sure he'll get over his embarassment and you two will laugh about it later...
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--maikko
IBS-A, mostly C-- many foods intolerant
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thank you for your sweet reply...I suppose he does find me attractive...that, or he is thoroughly bored by our sex life one year into marriage!!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Ah. He gave you a present he would want, instead of taking in consideration your feelings. I can understand why you would be hurt, though I do think it's good and healthy that he's sharing his fantasies with you (although maybe he should have tested the water before paying for the outfit). I'm sorry he wasn't more considerate.
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thank you!! Oh, he also got me ballet lessons which I was talking about for a while, so it wasn't the only gift.
I just feel really alone right now because I just came back from London where I have sooo many amazing friends and my family and brother and I feel so depressed right now :-( I want to snap out of it, but there is noone to snap out of it with :-(
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Aww, Dalia...
#198169 - 07/21/05 09:20 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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I don't have any good input on this one that hasn't already been said, but I wanted to sympathize a little. Not quite the same situation, but my birthday this past year (the big 3-0!) really sucked... misguided gifts... fought with Adam all that day... no birthday sex to even make up for it, haha... it was a real bummer. So I know how you feel in that regard, anyway.
But I'm gonna say it anyway: Happy birthday!!!
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thanks sweetie. you hit the nail on the head. I have NEVER said it would be fun to dress up - I prefer more subtle stuff and I find it sooo cliched. SO NOT ME!!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Thanks darling. Sorry your 30th couldn't have been more fun. Sigh. MEN!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Yeah, I can't see myself doing that either. I think I would find it too... absurd. Maybe it's because I'm in the theatre and costumes have VERY little glamor for me (as does acting, for that matter. I'd have to worry about my overriding objective, and my action... and I'd get very distracted.)
To tell you the truth, my favorite piece of lingerie ever was a gift from my best friend, not my husband. She gave it to me as a birthday present when I was complaining about all the good food I couldn't eat because of my IBS. It was a sort of, "well, at least you still have sex" gift.
Maybe it's just a gender difference?
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I say put it on and be waiting for him when he gets home.
BTW ..this advice is coming from a 57 year old "old maid".
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Oh Sweetie, why is he being such a jerk about it? If he knew this isn't your thing, why would he give it to you in the first place? At least he did give you something you wanted, the dance lessons.
I guess in his defense, I can understand him wanting to try something different but when you obviously didn't like it, he shouldn't be mad at YOU! Its awful that he is ruining your birthday and I think its ok to tell him so! I wished I lived closer, I'd take you out to lunch and we could do something silly like paint our toes or something! I don't have many friends close by either and it is hard. I'm so sorry. I hope your birthday gets better sweetie! Big, birthday hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Normally, I would agree with this but if it truely makes you uncomfortable, than don't. But, have you ever tried it? After a year and half of having to time sex, you start to find all sorts of ways to keep it fun!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life...I don't think that I would appreciate a "Brittany Spears" outfit either. I am with you on this one.
I would encourage you to perhaps suggest to hubby that you call "start over"...I don't want your birthday to totally go out the window!
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Hey -- Re the husband thing - some guys have a hard time getting over themselves in situations like this, especially when he probably put himself out there by buying the outfit. I'd just give him a couple of days. Once he realizes that it's not a total disaster that he feels embarrased about (which takes some people time) you'll be good to go. In the short-term though, it might be better just to let it go until he's ready to deal with it.
- Vincent
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thank you for your input....you are really sweet!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Dalia,
YOM HULEDET SAMEACH!!!!!!! May I give you a birthday Bracha? You should have much Shalom Bayis, Simcha, Hatzlacha, Shalom, Gila Rina Ditza V'Chedva, Ahava V'Achva V'Shalom V'Reius, Torah U'Mitzvos, Bracha, you should have a LARGE Chielik in Olam Haba, you should live to be 120, and all your Tefillos should be answered for the good, Amen!  
As for hubby. At least he bought you a birthday present and he remembered your b-day AND got you ballet lessons.
On the other hand...I would have been mortified if my husband bought me an outfit like that! I would be the one not speaking to HIM!
I think you got super advice here. I would just add that I would feel as you do. I have no friends here either. What I might do is go out and buy MYSELF a birthday present! Yesiree. I remember when I was very fibro feeling and I wanted hubby to get me a get-well card. Well, he didn't. So I bought myself one anyway! And it was quite nice to get it for myself! If you're comfortable with it...I'd go out and buy you something special! What do YOU want hubby to get you...or what do you want to get yourself...and go for it! I know it would cheer me up...
Wish I were there so we could DANCE and have some tea in a champagne glass and get you something special...
Love,
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ballet lessons too. That's right!
I would just try to laught about it with him and tell him to not do that again. I'm sure he wasn't trying to offend you AT ALL. He loves you! How could he not!
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Happy Birthday Dalia. Don't be too upset with Asaf. I am sure in his head he had good intentions. I know it must be tough for you being away from your friends and family. Hang in there.
Happy Birthday again!
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Dalia, maybe I can help you celebrate your birthday next year. We could do whatver you want to do!
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Thank you dolly...you are the sweetest! I wish you were here too to dance with me! I've been crying all day but hopefully I'm finished now. Lord, adjusting to a new place is hard!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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oops!
#198237 - 07/21/05 12:08 PM
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Dalia,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I don't have much to add, except that I'm sure it will blow over, and chances are your husband will make it up to you. I also see lingerie as a gift for him (and I in fact buy lingerie and give it to him as a gift--for me to wear, of course), but maybe he thought he was communicating how sexy he thinks you are...and maybe that is a fantasy of his or something.
This will all blow over sooner or later... Sorry that it had to happen on your birthday. Maybe you can suggest that you two "recelebrate" on a different day.
Again, happy birthday!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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I'm so sorry that you have been having a bad day. Here's a ((((((hug)))))).
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Hi Dalia, SOrry your b-day has sucked so far! It was a really dumb thing of him to do. (But as a guy I've done my share of stupid things so I sympatize with him a little!)
I'm not defending his gift - it wasn't very thoughtful to get that for your b-day. But I would say his reaction makes sense in a way. By giving you this thing that he has a fantasy about, he's really putting himself out there - its a vulnerable position to be in. And you had every right to point out that this wasn't really a present for you, had nothing to do with any interest of yours, etc. But he still must have felt very embarrassed and judged. (Of course he could have avoided all that by letting you know about his fantasies in a better context than your birthday!) Sometimes you can't laugh about something together until some time has passed - but I hope eventually you both will!
Dan
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Dalia,
I don't think your husband did it to make you feel cheap or like just a sex object.
I feel so bad for the two of you.
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Aww...
#198261 - 07/21/05 01:39 PM
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Well..HAPPY BIRTHDAY, first of all!! <<Big HUGS!>>
I don't think he was really 'thinking' when he got you that - really, he was thinking more of himself. I can see why he's embarrassed now....
He really loves you! Don't get too down about it...he didn't mean to hurt you. Just make sure that his only gift is a tarzan uniform for his birthday. :P Jk. Really though - I would do that as a joke and have him think it's really his only present....
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~Cara~
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Hi Dalia,
I am so sorry that your birthday isn't going very well! I know EXACTLY how you feel, being away from where you want to be on your birthday as I went through the exact same thing on my birthday in London. Adrian left for work, didn't even say Happy Birthday until his MUM phoned me to say happy birthday and he got all embarassed, hee hee.
As for the gift, hrm.. I think that's really odd that he would get you that had you not talked about it. I mean, I could see if you'd mentioned it and he'd thought "SCORE!" and got it for you but.. Hrm, stupid men. Probably hear what they wanna hear!!
Here is my little funny story: I went into this store that carries larger size bras, one of the only places around where I live. Thing is, it also carries a variety of other 'accessories'. As we were walking out (I just picked up some info to go back later), we passed this outfit that was up on the wall. I said to Adrian, "Well, there we go... I could dress up like a dairy farmer!!" in a joking way.
Adrian looked TOTALLY unimpressed and sighed and I was like, "What?" and he just shook his head and said, "Milk maid... it's a milk maid..." as if I had ruined the whole illusion of it. Hee hee.
Anyway hon, I hope you guys can make it up and salvage your birthday. I say on his birthday, get him one of those Santa Thongs or bum-less underwear and see what he thinks about that!! Hee hee.
**big hugs**
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hey Dalia,
Sorry you're birthday didn't exactly go as planned  I don't really have any pearls of wisdom except to say that I think the whole catholic school girl thing is a big fantasy for a lot of guys, and I'm sure your hubby didn't mean to upset, embaress or disappoint you. That being said I think it could have been presented at a better time.
Anyways, I hope you have a really great birthday and start feeling cheerier soon 
Hugs,
Kelly
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Happy Birthday, Dalia. I think this is another example of how "From Mars" men can be, sometimes. I like the revenge idea!!!
Personally, I think it's a really stupid gift and they do say, it's the thought or the intention that counts...maybe I should shut my mouth, but at least he's very open about his fantasies. You would think, though, that he could have done better, maybe given you something you could actually show your grandmother! Obviously, though he wanted the two of you to share sexual fun/play. I can understand about feeling the way you expressed. What kind of role would you like him to play, should you enjoy "role playing?"
Happy birthday, again. I hope you get another post-birthday present/celebration--a sort of edited birthday. BTW, the Catholic school girl outfit is pretty tacky!!!
Kate, IBS-D.
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(Is it wrong that subject lines like this totally draw me in...? lol )
Anyway, loads of good advice here. I wouldn't be too hard on him. He probably went out on a limb with this, trying to buy something cute and sexy, and kind of flunked at it - and now he's embarassed. I totally understand the feeling though that he doesn't understand you - gifts can do that. I've DEFINITELY had situations like that with my bf (if you really knew me why would you buy me this?)... Especially since you just got back from London so you're already kind of comparing this bday to what it would be in London, and this one pales in comparison (to say the least), right? ....But then you have to kind of step back and say, really, it's just a gift. He DOES know you and love you... clearly, since he also got you a really sweet and thoughtful gift (the ballet lessons).
Now you're in an yucky, akward situation though. I think I'd probably just gently start to joke about it a little, then make it funny so you guys can just laugh it off, start fresh etc. He obviously knows it was a mistake at this point so he probably won't be offended by the joking - if anything I'd think he'd be relieved to know that you're not upset with him about it. Then maybe sometime a few weeks from now (so it doesn't seem related) you could ask him if there's anything new he'd like to try in the bedroom (maybe this was supposed to be a really misguided hint? If so, your birthday probably wasn't the best choice, but oh well...)
Anyway, hope things are better for you two soon! And happy birthday again!!!
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Hola Darling!
First off... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Second thing... what ended up happening between you and asaf?!? Did you get to do anything fun for your birthday? I hope you were able to stop the tears and that asaf came to his senses and took you out somewhere nice for your bday. being alone on your bday sucks. I wish I lived closer then we could hang out, because I also have a lack of friends around here. In fact, my birthday is in august, and I'll be 24. I've already asked my mom to take me away for the weekend on a little girls vacation because I know that if I were here I'd probably spend my birthday all alone and crying in my bedroom (my parents like about 6 hours away). so I decided to stop that before it started and asked for a vacation. My mom has always been a stay at home mom so she happily obliged.
Anyways.. as for the present, I think you had every right in the world to be pissed off, especially after his reaction on your birthday. ugh. its one thing if he gave you lingere.. something pretty and sexy.. but a school girl outfit. thats pretty hardcore and a little tacky, so I think you had a right to be angry. especially becuse you are so far away from your friends and family which was obviously contributing to your sadness already.
I hope things were able to be worked out and that your bday was enjoyable!
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I hope things improved for you for the evening. Hugs!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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First, happy belated birthday!!
Second, I don't think you should feel bad about not wanting to dress up in that outfit. Some people just aren't open to that kind of thing and there's nothing wrong with that so don't feel bad.
I do, however, understand why he would be feeling so embarrassed. You guys should be able to share openly with each other and I can only imagine if I told my boyfriend about a fantasy (or gave him a "sexy" gift) and he laughed....I would be feeling pretty embarrassed and guilty about it.
I don't think he did anything wrong by giving you that present. He did, afterall, buy you ballett lessons!! He was obviously trying to express his fantasy to you....and probably won't express himself like that to you ever again out of embarrassment.
I would talk to him about this after he's had some time to get over it and make sure he knows that you want him to communicate his desires to you and that you were just surprised and reacted that way out of surprise...not because you find him perverted or anything like that.
Hope everything works out!! *hugs*
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Thank you all for your birthday wishes and allll your wonderful advice. Asaf ended up coming home early from work after a huge screaming match down the phone with a huge bunch of flowers and a card saying sorry. We started to laugh about the whole thing - and I even tried on the skirt as a joke! We went to central park and then out to a thai restaurant in the evening! Thank you all so much. You are all INCREDIBLE!!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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