Jen
#196078 - 07/15/05 11:42 AM
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That's really sweet, Jen, thank you. I try to remind myself that I wouldn't be here if I weren't at least somewhat together, but then I also feel like a fraud sometimes, like I got where I am by some cosmic accident. I try to tell myself that if I'm going to blame myself for bad things then I have to take credit for good things, but I can't help but feel most of the time that my success is some sort of fluke. I am so scared of screwing up because I feel like one false move and the curtain will come down, and the Wizard will just be some little old man with a megaphone, you know? Ugh all this introspection is making me wonder if I'm crazy ...
But thank you for your support about my bf situation. I don't really know what to do. I can't imagine giving up, but I also wonder if that's just a function of my stubbornness and my refusal to show a moment of hesitation or self doubt. I don't know. Things have been better lately because I've made an effort to be happy-go-lucky on the phone, because I know he needs me to back off and stop asking him what he's feeling. But at the same time that makes me angry because I want him to want to talk to me always, not just when I'm feeling happy and in control. And everything seems bigger and worse when you are miles away and can't just see the person and feel your heart race. It's so complicated.
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks again for your support.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Re: Cara
#196081 - 07/15/05 11:47 AM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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If you love kids so much, have you ever thought about doing day-care in your home? My brother-in-law's wife does it and she actually makes a LOT more than I'd thought. They also get to expense off a lot since it's in-home. It isn't even an option for me because we live out in BFE.
You're lucky that your husband agrees. My husband has agreed to let me stay home, but he doesn't really agree with me. That's probably the biggest reason why I am still thinking of working -- I'm worried that my being home will end up being a source of contention between us.
What does SATM mean?? I thought it meant stay-at-home-mom, but the initials don't work out.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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meaning that I get on his case about unfinished projects. I know perfectly well that my nagging only makes it worse, but I can't make myself stop.  I do procastinate, but never about anything that I consider important -- I have things like craft projects etc. that aren't done yet. In general I am very much a hurry-up-and-do-it person, and he's not, so sometimes we drive each other crazy.
I do have the "memory" in the family, too, but that form of nagging he doesn't mind.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I was going to ask if this was a male/female thing or not. I wonder if maybe women like us are some how drawn to or more attractive to men like that?!?! Like subconsciously they are looking for someone to keep them on track and in check???
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Why would you assume subconscious? I think they deliberately seek people who have the qualities they lack! And, as a species, I think a lot of men lack these detailed planning capabilities. To some extent, we do the same thing. I know that I love that my bf can deal with finance and major investments and all of that stuff, because I have no interest in it. I'm sure I could learn if I needed to, but I know he's on it so I don't bother. I do need to nag him about certain things (send flowers to your mom for mothers' day, send a baby gift to your boss's wife, update your passport). But, in his defense, he planned our entire trip to Turkey. Booked all the flights, the hotels, contacted tour guides in every city, set up activities. I was blown away! That's the kind of planning I usually feel like I have to do, and he totally took control. And surprisingly, I was happy to let him. And, it was a great trip! Far cry from traveling Spain with my ex, when we'd wake up at whatever time, find out where the bus station was, go there, wait around all day for a bus since we'd never look at a schedule beforehand, get to the next city and lug our packs all around an unfamiliar city looking for a hostel. That was the beginning of the end for us! I don't need four-star service but I do need a little bit of planning! The boy never even made a dinner reservation in his life! I like to think I'm pretty low-mainenance, but that was asking a little much. I am way too much of an uptight east coaster to deal with a Colorado mountain boy like him forever. They are just different!
Sorry, tangent ...
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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OOPS! I meant SAHM - my bad! I must have been thinking "AT". My bad!
I have completely thought about doing day-care at home. I actually had all the paperwork ready at one point. I don't think I want to make it official like that - I already know I'll be watching my friends baby - she is due in March. I think I'll just keep it to a couple friend's kids - or neighbor's kids. I actually did watch 2 of the boys in the neighborhood for about 6 months, but they moved.
There's just SO much liability that comes with doing that, it's scary. I know I'd love it, and be good at it, but I'd rather stick to just 2 or 3 kids that I know the parents very well.
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~Cara~
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Yeah, maybe you're right. Like you, my husband is the one who figures out all the financial stuff. I keep the checkbook and pay the bills, but he deals with the big stuff. Oh AND he's the cook in this family, and I am the baker. So I guess we make a good pair.
Now, I must say it is my DREAM to have someone plan a vacation for me--anyone!! We are going to a wedding at Yosemite in Sept., a few days in San Fran before the wedding, then down to cabo after. A long, nice break. Of which I had to PLAN EVERYTHING. Cars, air tickets, hotels, etc. I should be glad he lets me pick, but it gets to where I've done so much reserach I don't even want to go! The one thing left to arrage is our scuba diving---that's more his area of expertise than mine, and I'm not so picky as him. So I told him I'd give him a place to start and some names but he had to take it from there, and he agreed.
BUT...sometimes I wonder if I'm just a control freak and could handle someone planning a vacation for me. Who knows! 
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(To this day those flying monkeys still scare the hell out of me.)
I know how you feel. I get stress-induced fits of paranoia all the time. Why is it so easy to brush away one's successes and agonize over one's failures? I'm not sure exactly how one goes about de-stressing and feeling all happy and self-confident. I have a feeling that winning the lottery and buying a private island in the Pacific somewhere might lie in the answer somewhere. And my guess is that your successes are not flukes. Sure, there is always some amount of being in the right place and so on and so forth, but you can't be successful on luck and cosmic vibes alone.
Again, totally understand about the BF thing. We were stuck in the same ugly cycle of my wanting to KNOW, wanting to know where exactly are we going???? when he didn't know the answer. And when I look back I don't know why I kept asking, because the answer was not going to change just because I kept nagging him. He needed time, and once I finally backed off and respected that, things got a lot better, and we did end up getting engaged. I think what made me back off was suddenly wondering one day -- what if our positions were reversed? What if I wasn't 100% on this thing and he kept pushing me? I hate being pressured. No one does. And no matter how logically or nicely I presented the question, it was still pressure -- pressure to have an answer that he didn't have. It wasn't like he was deliberately toying with my feelings and trying to string me out as long as he could so he'd have someone to pay half the bills and wash his dirty socks.
I guess in a perfect world your significant other should always want to talk to you no matter what, but it just doesn't work out that way. When it's a discussion on a subject that always ends up with both of you unhappy, that's a little different, at least in my book. My husband is always there for me, but there are conversations we know by now that we can't have.
I guess when you get down to it -- men suck! They can't commit! Seriously, I think that they run on cycles, like they only consider marriage every 7 years or something. I almost threw in the towel more than once. But, I'm very glad I didn't. I can't speak for anyone else, though. It's so hard, especially when you have years invested and might end up thinking about "what if"s ... and yeah, that long-distance part sucks. I'm not sure what either of you have planned for staying in your respective cities, but it does make it tough to plan for the future when you don't know if you're going to be together.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Kree
#196255 - 07/15/05 06:27 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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I remember from your profile that you're a teacher, right? I originally wanted to go to college to become an elementary school teacher (my mother talked me out of it because computers paid better). I've thought about going back to college (at night or as much distance learning as I can) while I'm at home with the kids to become a teacher, but problem is it's a lot of school. Most of my credits won't transfer since they're tech geek classes so I'd have to count on pretty much doing it all. Just curious what your thoughts are. Or if you now regret becoming a teacher and wish you'd gone into computers. 
By the way, where in the Thousand Islands are you? DH and I went to upstate NY for our honeymoon. We wanted to go to New England and had actually originally planned on going to Maine, but I was looking at the NY Atlas, saw Boldt Castle, wondered what the heck Boldt Castle was, googled it, and decided I HAD to see it. We decided one day when one of us becomes rich and famous we're going to buy it and live there. 
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Re: Cara
#196262 - 07/15/05 06:40 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Okay, good, I was going crazy here trying to figure out what that T stood for. I don't know why it bugs me so much when I can't figure out an acronym. Probably because I am a computer geek.
Yeah, that's true, the liability is kinda scary and you have to get extra insurance and stuff. Although, my SIL lives in kind of a rough backwaters town where you would actually have to post a sign in the yard stating "ILLEGAL DRUGS SOLD HERE" before anyone would come around and bother you.
I am still waffling over the stay-at-home thing. If I could go part-time, I think I would do it. But it is so hard to get into decent daycares around here, and they don't like taking part-time kids.  That's another reason why I need to decide if I'm going to keep working, 'cause the minute I get pg we'd have to get on a waiting list.
Oh, well. Guess I should go get myself knocked up before I worry about this, right?
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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