Making babies ... and then staying home with them!
#194858 - 07/12/05 06:25 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Hey, I was going to post this in the other thread but it was WAY too long.
This is something that's really been on my mind and I'm not sure who else to discuss it with.  So here's the deal.
I'll be 24 next month. DH will be 33 in January. We are going to start trying to have kids after Christmas. The only reason we aren't trying now is so that we will have time to get all debt except mortgage paid off.
I really want to stay home with my kids -- at least until they go to school. I firmly believe that ***I*** should be the one to raise my kids -- not the daycare! (I know this is a controversial subject -- but the sad fact is, the daycare will be there for most of your child's waking hours.) DH doesn't really feel the same, but has agreed it is OK with him if I stay home with the kids until the second one is 3.
Here's my problem. I am in a technical field and am very good at what I do -- I already make 20% more than DH (who is in the same field with twice my experience). However, the job is demanding and it's easy to very quickly lose skills. Presuming I had my two kids a couple years apart, I would've been out of the job market around 7 years. At that point, getting a similar job would be impossible.
I am really good at money and I don't foresee any problems living on DH's income. But I wonder if I am going to make a mistake essentially giving up my work. It is not what I want to do long-term -- it is not a family-friendly job as I am basically on call 24/7 and spend long hours at work. But, I have worked really hard to get where I am and am really respected where I work -- which is really tough for a 23-year-old woman in a technical position, let me tell you!!! So in some sense I am a little reluctant to give it up.
It's possible I could go part-time at my current job -- I haven't talked it over with my boss because I don't want him knowing I plan on getting pregnant so soon. But, I am a very workaholic person and I am afraid that the part-time hours would creep up more and more and I'd end up in the same boat. Working at home is not an option, and neither is consulting.
Again, it's not really the money that's a problem, it's getting back into the job market. My thought was to use the time off to maybe go back to school for something that WOULD be more family-friendly. I always wanted to be a teacher (elementary school) but ended up going into a technical field instead. But when I brought this up to DH he wasn't very happy about it, pointing out how little teachers make. So I don't know.
Anyway, sorry for the long post! But this is preying on my mind and if I do get pregnant in six months I am going to have to figure out what to do!
Advice please? 
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Yucky situation.
You really have to do what you feel is right.
I feel the exact same as you about daycares, and I will not send my kids there. I am pregnant right now, and will be a stay at home mom until I decide the time is right to work again...
I too am in the techinical field - I'm a civil engineer. I love math and computers and that is what I am good at...however, having children is 100000 times more important to me than my career....that's just how I am. I couldn't care less about having more money if it means I can be the one to see my kids first steps, hear their first words, have them say my name first, etc...
Anyways, I think you just have to decide what is more important to you right now! And I think that it WILL be possible to work again...you may have to start out slow for awhile, but you can get back into it! You don't have to be completely out of the loop while you are at home - I still read my civil engineering magazine every month!  (I'm a dork, I know)
Anyways....good luck...it sounds like you are a very bright person and will make a good decision no matter what!
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~Cara~
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is not so much the money but retaining my position at a government agency that is VERY hard to get into. Once you're in---it's totally secure and a great place to be. But I waited 5 years for an opening....and I can't see myself working in regular industry or consulting after having been a government employee. The thing, I know if I go part time, I can work 2 days at the office, and 1 day at home. For those 2 days, I'm REALLY looking for a solution like...my mom, or other relative, or someone I'm close with taking care of the kids. Not just some random place. I figure 2 days a week can't be that bad....however....IF my husband just made gobs of money, I'd probably stay home. (Even though I do love my job). It's a tough decision, that's for sure!! This issue exactly is primarily why I've waited as long as I have. I had hoped my mom would retire soon and she could help out (and would love to). But she's got some time left.
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You'll find there are so many corners you can "cut", go to a less expensive car, pay off bills now while you are still working so you'll be that much ahead, commit not to go in debt now that you're planning all this... as for going back to work later, well, all you can do about that is do a great job now so they'll want you back when/if you ever decide to return. Other than that, have to let the future sort of work itself out as it comes.
I stay home full time and I can't say that there is anything money can by that would make me do otherwise. Honestly, my heart goes out to single moms and mothers who feel they HAVE to work when they're children are babies. Others who choose to, that is their choice and perhaps what is best in their situation! For me, this is how it is meant to be, I have no doubt.
Don't think too far ahead, just one step at a time... now, guess I'll go check on those cookies in the oven. 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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In your fields, do you go on regular courses/lectures to keep up to date? Maybe you could continue doing some of those (and reading the magazines!) when the kids are young so it's just the odd day in care or with family.
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Because hubby is a civil engineer too. He's taking his PE exam in a few months, so I'll help him study (he's not a great test taker, and this is an 8-hour Saturday exam that gives you a migraine).
I still belong to ASCE (American Society of Civil Engineers), and the NSCS (National Society of Collegiate Scholars). There are seminars often, but they are usually very expensive and in different parts of the country - so I don't normally go.
Math comes very easily to me - I barely ever went to class because I taught it better to myself with the book. I got 2 B's in college - one in Child Development (LOL!!!), and one in Geotech. I'm a big nerd. Haha. No, school just comes easily for me, my hubby is the opposite - but he is GREAT in the work field.
I learn things very quickly and easily, so I'm not too worried about going back to engineering. In fact, a friend of mine just started his own CE firm in our area, and he is just waiting for me to come back! (I'm still not sure if I ever will - it's not completely my passion).
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~Cara~
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Jen, the decision to start a family is forever and life-altering. No amount of money, experience, job security in the world is more important than raising your own children! Sacrificing one salary is something my DH and I have done for 12 years now, and I wouldn't do it differently for a moment! I am working now after being home full-time for 8 years, but DH is home full-time because we have committed to home-school our children. When he finishes school and gets a job, I go back home to teach the kids.
I will only be 45 when my baby graduates highschool. I will have another 20-30 years to work at any job I want. I plan to go back to school for another degree and lots of other things...but I only get one shot at parenting these two precious children.
A lot of my peers from college have high-salaried, titled positions, but very few have children. Several who decided to have children gave up their jobs and came home and never looked back. If your husband earns enough to supply the needs, go for it! It is a once in a lifetime opportunity!
I will pray for your family as you make this life-changing decision.
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God is Faithful!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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It must be nice. I can't add 12 and 19 in my head!
The other day I gave the cashier at Target change and it was wrong. I dug in my change purse, gave her some more---and it was wrong. I finally just said, "Heck, take it out of this dollar bill!"
I THINK I HAVE NUMBER PHOBIA!
But I made 100's on my English grammar tests. Talk about a nerd!
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I don't have any kids, but have done tons of babysitting in the past. I think raising a family IS a full time career.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Here in AL we have churchschool laws, and the number of parents turning to this educational choice is amazing! The Church we teach under represents more than 120 families and has extensive sports, academic, fine arts extracurricular activities as well. This is a unique opportunity for us, and one we take seriously. It is worth any sacrifice.
But realistically....5th and 6th grade coming at us in three weeks! Oh, this is going to be a tough combination!! I'm nervous!
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God is Faithful!
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I don't know you well enough to know if this would work, but have you considered continuing to work full time and having DH stay home with the kids? You'll have more money, and your child won't be in daycare. Just a thought.
Another thing, if you do decide to stay home ... You broke into the field you are in when you were 21, I'm guessing? Surely that wasn't the day they invented technology. You learned the current technology and mastered it. So, when you re-enter, of course you'll have some catching up to do, but not as much as when you first started! In a field like that, you'd be constantly learning new things, even if you worked continuously. You seem like you're smart enough to jump right in wherever. I know 7 years is a long time in the tech world, but you'll catch up. Plus, like Cara, your hubby is in the same feild and can keep you up-to-date.
Good luck.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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but thats just my opinion. I've never had a "high position" career or anything. I've always worked in dr's offices. I'm not good at math but relatively smart. If and hopefully when, my hubby's business makes enough money, I will not work outside the house. My hubby just started his own business about 2 years ago and we still need my income right now. Its my dream that when I finally have a baby (hopefully very soon) that I won't have to go back to my office job and can stay at home and help Will in his business. That way, I'd still be there all the time for my child.
Worse case scenario for me is that we will still need my income but I work for a very small office and have 2 full days when the dr isn't in and its pretty quiet most of the time, so on those two days, I'd bring baby to work with me. There are several other small business in the plaza I work in and a lot of the women do this. I'm hoping Will could watch baby one day during the week, although that would mean he would have to work a little more on the weekends. But that way, baby would only have to go to day care one or two days a week.
I think if you find the right place, it can be a good expierence. As I mentioned before, I don't have family close by or friends with kids so I feel a day or two a week would be good for the baby to get out and learn social skills and interact with others.
I guess only you can know whats best. Would you end up resenting a child if you had to give up a career? Would you be happy being home all day, some women would go stir crazy. Personally, if money wasn't an issue, I'd stay home but you have to do whats right for you and your family. If your husband makes enough to support the family, than I wouldn't worry too much about your job later, those things have a way of working themselves out!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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And different for each person, I think. I would hate to give up my career. I did 4 years undergrad and 4 years grad (so far) so that some day I can be a professor. Obviously I think kids are important, but not just my kids. All of the hundreds of students I have taught and will teach matter very much to me too.
And I would be absolutely stir crazy staying at home every day!
Ah well, I hope you get to stay home because you want to Michelle, and that I don't have to stay home because I don't want to! 
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You are in a position to teach and hopefully help mold someones future, that is very important and we need good people to do it! I don't find my job overly rewarding or get that kind of satisfaction from it or I may feel differently too!!! Thats why I said, only you can truely know whats best for you and your family!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm nervous enough about 1st grade and kindy at same time - and the kindy is reading WAY beyond the 1st grader so it makes things pretty confusing! 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Yes it is a tricky issue. I wasn't going to respond as it seemed that everyone that responded all had desires to stay home but me. Made me feel like maybe I was a bad person, however, I don't regret that I do work. I don't have a "professional backround" with any college degrees. I've worked since I was 16 and got accustomed to buying whatever I wanted since I worked hard for it. We have a nice house, nice cars and don't struggle, however, we need two incomes and if I would have decided to stay home we would have struggled and I would not have been happy staying home. I guess you could say that we created this lives for ourselves and we like it. Neither one of us make enough to carry the other. I was fortunate though to have my aunt watch both of my boys. The second one did go to daycare at age 3 and he made out fine. I think some daycare's get bad raps. Not all are bad. Many people need to work simply for the health insurance and must place their kids in daycare. Some make their money and most of it goes to pay daycare.
Me not wanting to stay home does not mean that I love my children less. In fact, I hear other stay at home moms complain often that they need their own "free" time away from the kids. That is what I get for 8hrs when I go to work. I think they are being raised fine by my husband and fortunaltely now that they are older they only go to daycare after school.
Just my two cents. Hope not to offend anyone but I felt I needed to stick up for us who do work and show that it is ok to put children in daycare if need be.
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Just FYI, it DOES feel overwhelming when you add that second child in a "real" grade level. Don't get discouraged! You are in for a challenging treat!!
We're an A Beka family, and their curriculum is pretty advanced - expecially the math - and that's my weak spot. I guess that's why I'm so nervous! And plus hubby is going to be taking two classes this coming semester in his master's program, so I am getting ready for a whirlwind and a half!
But oh, I wouldn't trade it for anything!!! Enjoy!
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God is Faithful!
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I think this is something every family needs to decide for themselves, and not every situation is right for every family. Among my friends (20s to early 30s), I'd say it's about half want to stay home and half want to work. I think you just have to know what's right for you. I think staying home full time might make me nutty. (I've also worked since I was 16), but I think working full time might make me crazy too. So I'm hoping to go part-time, and balance it out.
My parents both worked and my brothers and I came out just fine and never felt neglected. They just couldn't afford any other way.
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Your post made me feel better.
Idealy, yes, I'd love to work part time. That would give me time with adults and time with children. It would help tremendously with the running around that we do with baseball games and CCD on Wednesday's during the school year. I'd have much better dinners prepared and my house would definitly be cleaner. Part time right now is not an option for me. Someday maybe, but I doubt it. Now if my dad hits the lottery some day, then maybe I'll work part time.
I do love my job and would never trade it for another. They are like family to me. There are three for us that have worked together for over 17 years. Someday though, they will retire and it will be lil ol me  Until then......my life will be filled with craziness!!!!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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My husband would go nuts staying at home with the kids -- not an option! We considered it for probably about 4 or 5 seconds.
I started my current job when I was 20. (I have a two-year technical degree.) But it's not just catching up, it's retaining knowledge. It's tough to retain technical knowledge unless you're using it constantly. And really ... I don't want this kind of job again once I have a family. When I have kids I don't want to be called at 3 a.m. -- or postpone a vacation at the very last minute because a customer's system went down -- or work the weekend -- or consistently come home late every night. But if I don't want this kind of job, what DO I want? Especially when all of my schooling and knowledge is all tech geek stuff. 
Argh, this sucks! Thanks for the response. I have always been kind of envious of you, you seem so confident and focused on what you want to do.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I didn't mean to imply you were a bad person -- OR any other working mother. I know lots of mothers work, whether because they want to or because they have to, and their kids grow up just fine. And there are lots of mothers who stay at home and whose kids are real terrors!
I guess my situation is a little different from most people, too. My job requires long hours plus I have an hour-long commute. So, I leave around 6:45 a.m. and on the days when I leave work at a decent time I get home around 7:00 p.m. There are days when it's 7:30, or 8:00, or 9:00. I cannot imagine being able to find time to raise a kid in that! I'll be lucky if I manage to even feed him something other than cold cereal for dinner.
The decision whether or not to work is a very personal one, and I am still struggling over it. If it were as easy as "you're a bad person if you work", then obviously I wouldn't have felt the need to post in the first place. I want the input of working moms just as much as the stay-at-home moms -- and I hope that others aren't discouraged from weighing in. I am glad you did speak up.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Cara
#195397 - 07/13/05 08:11 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Do you intend to start working again someday? If so, do you have any concrete "age", like after the last one's in pre-school or kindergarten?
BTW, saw your sonogram pics. So cool!!! I am so jealous. I am on my "placebo" pill week and I am sooo tempted to just "forget" to start taking the pill again next week ...
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I think I understand what kind of job you're talking about- my husband had one that sounds pretty similar. And I would say that kids and that job would have been incompatible. For one thing, he had to travel all of the time, with no advanced warning. But he transitioned over to a much better company with a much more organized schedule. Would it be possible to look for a job that uses your same skills but in a different, more organized setting? He can work from home now if he needs to, and these sorts of things would make it a lot easier to keep both your job skills and have a baby who gets to see you.
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I'm not really sure when I'll start working again - I might start working part time somewhere while I have my babies at home...it'll depend on what hours I can get, or who can be there to watch them...I'm just very catious about that of course - for very good reasons!
As far as really going back to work full time- I'll wait longer than when my last one is in kindergarden...but I'm not sure how long! My guess is that once they are all in school, I'll find a part time job for the hours that they are gone.
Like you, I don't know if I really want to go back to engineering - there is so much demand, SO much stress, and so many hours with large projects. I'd love to teach - and maybe I'll substitute teach for awhile at least.
I went for a long time trying to figure out what I actually wanted to do with my life - after I quit my engineering job. It was a bad time, because I felt like I had wasted so many years in college, and worked my butt off to get where I was, etc. What it comes down to is that I really want to be a MOM! I love kids, anything to do with kids. I am really lucky because my husband feels the same as I do about kids, and me staying home (or him staying home - but one of US)...maybe he's old-fashioned, but that's how I'd rather he be these days! Oh and BTW - my hubby wouldn't last a day at home either, he needs a job for his body to function..otherwise he'd sleep the whole day.
This probably didn't help you...my post is all over the place! Sorry - I just don't have everythign worked out yet either...I'll just see what happens when it happens, but for now - being a SATM is my top priority, and will be for awhile!
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~Cara~
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Quote:
I have always been kind of envious of you, you seem so confident and focused on what you want to do.
Ha! I'm amazed I could stop laughing long enough to hit the reply key! Everyone always seems to think I am so driven, and inside I feel like such a mess. Truth be told, I'd abandon my career and my life in New York to be with my bf in London, where I'd have a hard time working. He's hesitating all of a sudden (about EVERYTHING), and I'm questioning a lot myself. I know that if I do have a career I want it to be in law, and probably at the firm I'm working for this summer, but I also never saw myself as a career woman. I always imagined I'd be married right out of college, would have a thousand babies and stay home and take care of them. When it was clear by senior year that that wouldn't happen, I decided to go to law school, kind of on a lark. Once I got there people just seemed to push me in a certain direction, and I let the current take me. Now I'm somehow editor-in-chief of moot court, which is a huge, prestigious position, and I feel like someone is going to come to their senses one day and realize that I'm a total goofball! It's reassuring, I guess, that I come off as having it all together, but it also makes it hard for me sometimes to admit that I need advice, etc. I feel afraid to shatter people's perception of me, you know?
Do you think guys think about this sort of stuff?
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Wow...
#195485 - 07/14/05 06:49 AM
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You just described me in college!
I was sort of pushed in a certain direction, and just kept going...but part of me knew I didn't love what I was doing. I could never tell anyone that I wasn't exactly sure I was doing the right thing, because everyone knew me as the smart, driven student!
I NEVER asked peers homework questions, or for any help...if I couldn't figure it out, I'd spend a long time on it, and if I still couldn't...I'd go privately to the professor and talk it through. This, of course, made the professors love me...and they pushed me even farther! I was a TA for many classes while I was a senior, and took far more classes than I could handle, just to see if could do it. I even, as an undergraduate, was hired by a professor to help a graduate student with his research for his thesis!
Anwyays...long story short, the whole time in college, I felt like I could never tell anyone, 'I'm not sure I like this! I don't think I can do this forever, I want to be married, have kids, etc...' Couldn't even say that to my parents because they were the ones that pushed engineering in the first place!
I still struggle with it, and wonder if I made a mistake by quitting...but I guess we all learn with mistakes, and we'll see what happens as time goes on...
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~Cara~
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Jen, I completely understand your confusion. I haven't met the right guy yet, so I'm not even close to that point in my life yet, but I still worry about what to do when that day comes. It's so tough for women in today's society to balance their careers and their families! Men just don't have to make the difficult decisions we have to make. I think if raising your kids is what you want to do, you should just do it! I agree with others that have said there's nothing more important than family. My mother stayed home to raise me until I was in middle school and I strongly believe that played a major role in making me who I am today. If there's any possible way to make it happen, go for it. I agree that keeping abreast on what's happening in your field is a huge plus. Millions of other women take time out to raise their kids... you can too!
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"Anyone can exercise, but this kind of lethargy takes real discipline." -Garfield
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I have a son who is 14 months old now. In Canada we get one year maternity leave and I was all gung-ho to do this full time stay at home mom. Around month six I started to go crazy. I was/am quite a driven person when it comes to my career, but was not going to allow a daycare to raise my child.
Well, around month six I slid into a depression because I wanted to be working and was flogged with guilt because I *should* be at home with Ben.
Luckily, my sister decided to stay home with her little guy and asked me if I would like her to watch Ben too - I was estatic!! Someone who loves my son as much as do is with him all day and I get to work and further my career.
My only advice to you, therefore, is to let the road lead you where it may - I know you are probably an incredibly organized person who wants to know what is happening in six months - but just enjoy the small amount of time you have with your child and then make a decision.
Of course, I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am to have an Auntie taking care of their baby - but for someone who was going to stay home, my tune sure changed when I was there everyday all day and missed my work so much.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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I've always been pretty driven, through school, and in pursuit of my job here (really...I could say I spent 4 years trying to get this job), and I've always been the "organized" one in my marriage and my family really. But lately, I've realized that I'm not ACTUALLY that organized. I mean...yeah, I know when everything is happen, when I need to be there, what needs to be done...etc, but it's not because it comes naturally, it's almost because my life is chaotic and I guess obessessed over details. I read a book recently about how to organize your life. I tried to explain to my husband how DISorganized my life is, and he said "No, you're the organized one." I seem like I'm on top of things, but really, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. And while, sure, I can keep my house clean enough mostly, it's a battle each time over doing what needs to be done or watching tv for 3 hours.
I wouldn't really worry about other people's perception. What matters most is how you feel about yourself, and doing what is right for you. It's really easy to be pulled in all kinds of directions. One of the hardest things we have to do in life is make big choices. Especially when there really could be more than one "Right" choice. I think if you are taking the right things into consideration, you should just have faith in the choices you make, and not worry about what ifs, or what other people think.
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Because that's what I feel like I'm going through right now. I am such an over-achiever and perfectionist that I just don't think I'm capable of really dropping out of school and changing my mind like some people seem to do so easily. I've wanted to be an interior designer since I was little, but when last fall semester started I was a wreck and really didn't want to do it anymore. Not that I didn't like it, but I just saw myself going in another direction. Needless to say I felt like I would be letting people down if I changed my mind and being so close to the end, I would have felt awful to have wasted THAT much of my parents money.
I've always seen myself as being a career-ish type women, but then being able to work from home once I have kids whether it's designing window treatments for people or crafty things.
I guess at this point I'm glad I'm sticking it out because even if I only want to actually practice interior design for a couple years, the education is something that I can really apply to so many things and I think I'd always be a little disappointed with myself if I'd quit.
But I've really decided that when I do my internship in the spring, I'll move up to New York City or Connecticut and then do the 2 more years of internship I have to before I can take the test for my license. But then I want to buy an old house somewhere up there and renovate it all myself and eventually turn it into a bed and breakfast. I've decided that that is the perfect application of all my passions. Then I'll move back down here to raise a family near my family and open a store to sell my crafts and purses and all that good stuff in.
We'll see how all that pans out, but I guess it must be common to have that freak out time where you just really don't want to do what you're doing and only continue because you don't want to disappoint other people (or yourself for that matter).
I'm glad I'm not alone in this!
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I can only try to understand your position as I never went to college and I've never really had a "career." I came from a relatively poor family. I mean, I had plenty of food and clothes but we shopped at K-Mart kinda thing. I got married right out of high school and just kinda fell into the optical world. I did work for a pharamcy for about a year and loved it. I would have liked to go to college to be a pharmacist but its pretty much ALL math and well, I suck at math!!
My first husband cheated on me and got another girl pregnant (seems everyone can get pregnant besides me! .) As we were in the process of divorcing, he was murdered. At which point, I was in my early-mid 20's and kinda went wild for a while. I just couldn't handle everything that had happened and turned to alcohol and drugs. I had gotten into a VERY abusive realtionship and felt pretty much hopeless. I woke up one day and realized I was going to die if I didn't do something.
I finally pulled my head out of my butt, got cleaned up and spent some time alone. I guess I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life at 27-28 years old. I was working full time for a different eye dr but barely getting by. I had to distance myself from all my friends because most of them still "partied" and I couldn't be around that.
One day I heard of a job about 2 hours away from one of my sales reps and I thought "why not?" This was on a Thursday, I interviewed that Saturday, was offered the position and moved two weeks later! The job turned out to pretty much suck and I left for my current job in a few months.
When I moved, I didn't know ANYONE at all but made myself go out occasionally to dinner and such and after a couple of months I ment Will, we were married a year later! I like the doctor I work for now (most of the time anyways! ) and don't really know how to do anything else. I make ok money but I wouldn't be able to afford the house I'm in and all the bills by myself.
My girlfriends here are all career girls. One works for NCR (national Cash Register) and travels all over, she is currently working in London. The other is civil engineer. And the other is in her last year of residentcy, she will be a full, fledge doctor this winter!
I guess I sometimes feel "less worthy" or whatever because I just work FOR a doctor and I don't really change people in anyway. I mean, sure I sell the best glasses in town HEHE but if I didn't do it, someone else would!
Anyways, not sure why I felt compelled to write out my life story but if you got this far, thanks for reading! I'm not even sure I had any particular point in there but I guess I would have to say, don't be afraid to be YOURSELF, a lot of people spend WAY too much time worry about what others think. Do what makes you happy and never look back!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Wow, you have a great plan!! Forgive me for getting personal, but are you in a committed relationship?? I LOVE my life now, and love being married to my husband, but if I wasn't with him (or anyone), I'd definitely have done things differently. I'd probably move away. I LOVE B&Bs, that sounds like such an awesome thing. I've been with my husband since we were 17 and 18 so I've kind of been in the get married/have kids frame of mind since then, you know?? I kind of envy your freedom to go to school in New York, start a B&B....I hope it all works out the way you want!
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Whoa!!
#195508 - 07/14/05 07:25 AM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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I had no idea!! I can't even begin to fathom how all that felt...how traumatic! All things considered, it seems your life has turned out pretty great. And who cares where you work?!!? It certainly doesn't make you a lesser person just cause you make less money. My mom didn't go to college either, started as a secretary at a company and worked her way up to management and has mega respect where she is now.
We grew up a little poor too (to this day I cannot eat Potato buds), my dad worked for GM and kept getting laid off, my mom had mediocre jobs at stores and stuff....but we were so happy! I had a great childhood.
Sometimes I think that's why my mom and dad really pushed us to go to college and be successful. I'm sure for them, my "Fun" childhood, was stressful because of money and they just don't want us to go through the same.
Anyway, degrees aren't everything. If you're doing something you can feel positive about, and overall---have a life that makes you happy, then really that's all that matters!
BTW: I thought of you yesterday, I met up with friends I've known since highschool and college, who I've recently been keeping in better touch with, and found out she's been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. She's right now on Clomid (sp?). She's not totally desperate feeling yet, but if this doesn't work she's going to see a fertility specialist.
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Haha nope I'm not in a committed relationship, or any relationship for that matter. As much as I'd like to be, I just haven't come across the right person and I'm certainly not trying to look. In the past few years from leaving high school and starting college, then spending last summer in Italy by myself, and now trying to get ready to take the huge step of leaving all my family behind here (we're all really close and my school is one of the best and just happened to be in my town) and live all my own somewhere else, I really just think I'd be a different person and maybe not get to where I want to in life if I had a boy in my life right now. I just think I need some more time and more experiences before I'm the person I want to be before I find that person to live the rest of my life with. Haha does that make sense? Like I'm a fairly shy person and it's really important for me to really take that big step and gain independence and confidence.
So hopefully my plans work out because I just know that it's what I want to do. I'll have to post some pictures of my newest creations I've started making. When I get back from my trip in a couple weeks I'll be running around town trying to find stores to sell them in. Plus on top of that we're still getting this leather purse thing of mine off the ground.
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Quote:
I've always been the "organized" one ...But lately, I've realized that I'm not ACTUALLY that organized. I mean...yeah, I know when everything is happen, when I need to be there, what needs to be done...etc, but it's not because it comes naturally, it's almost because my life is chaotic and I guess obessessed over details.
I feel like I'm looking in a mirror! That is exactly me. Exactly. Everyone thinks I am so organized, etc, but really it's because if I'm not hyper-vigilant, I'm a total disaster. The places that people don't see, like my closet and my desk drawers, are total health hazards. I don't even want to talk about what's in my fridge right now. But outwardly, I am the most together person anyone knows. Wow maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought, if so many of you are like this!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I LOVE potato buds. I eat them for breakfast sometimes. And I grew up with plenty, so who knows. My mom always made the buds instead of mashing her own potatoes. I'm sure she'd put in broth and yummy stuff, but it was always the buds, and I ADORE them.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Nah- everyone always tells me how organized I am too, but I am also a mess. My parents tell me how lucky I am that I always knew what I wanted to do, while my poor little sister struggles to pick a college major. The thing is, I just picked something and stuck with it. Somedays (lots of days) I actively hate graduate school and think it is trying to destroy my soul. But I just keep chugging along. And luckily I remember tons of things, which allows me to seem organized when really I have papers all over the place.
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I like the buds too. There's just something... interesting about them. Like, how Kraft Mac and Cheese is that frightening orange color? Potato buds are so... smooth. And moldable.
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At my house closets must be kept closed at all times. Our pantry? Disaster. I actually made notecards for myself of all the "chores" I need to do at home to keep it clean and hygenic, so that I could just pull a notecard each day, and get things done without being so overwhelmed that I do nothing at all. It's sort of helping. I haven't had any 4 hour cleaning sprees lately, it's more spread out.
And everyone all says I'm so good at planning ahead, especially for vacations and stuff. Because if I don't plan ahead, it will escape from my brain and I'll realize too late that I forgot something monumental.
You know, I still have dreams that I'm at school and forgot to study for a big test, or do some big homework assignment!
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Heh, these days my dreams are always that I'm at school and I've failed to make a syllabus, or any kind of class plan or lecture. In fact, I've started staying awake all night panicking because I don't have syllabi for my classes this fall yet... which means it's time to sit down and make them so I can relax.
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Ha ha!!
#195522 - 07/14/05 07:49 AM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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Here are a few others I was forced to eat: Spam, vienna sausages, and some other tv dinner items I can STILL taste: crappy friend chicken, wilted crinkle cut fries, crusty brownie, cinnamon apples. I mean, I remember these dinners like they were yesterday. I wasn't at the time thinking "Gee, we have no money for real food", I just thought "my mom doesn't give me good food". Oh well, I survived, and my appetite certainly hasn't suffered!
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Making babies and potato buds ..... interesting.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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I can't believe your ex husband was murdered! that is so traumatic. Was it completely unexpected and out of the blue, or was he in trouble already?
Anyways.. I'm glad you met will and that things are looking up!
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Re: Whoa!!
#195528 - 07/14/05 07:52 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Potato buds, are those like frozen french fries or something? I grew up on Mac and Cheese, hot dogs, SPAM (yes, the meat in a can-makes me ill to even see it now!) But I think my favorite childhood food was the Goober pb&j, you know the stuff in the jar thats stripped with peanutbutter and jelly? I would sneak into the kitchen and sit on the floor with a spoon and eat it right out of the jar!!!! 
I definitely want my kids to grow up happier than I did. I've spent over a year in therapy now and have come to terms with a lot of my childhood issues. I would never really abused or anything like that but I felt growing up that I wasn't really loved. My mom and I have since made up and talk on the phone at least once a week. I know she did the best she could and others had it a lot worse than me. It just makes me want to LOVE and PROVIDE for my child that much more! Overall, I'm pretty well adjusted and pretty happy! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I wish my sister in law had your outlook. She was almost engaged in college, but broke it off when we graduated (she's my age) over fear of an unlived life, but ever since then, it's been a string of guys she thinks she can mold into the perfect husband. And it ISN'T working. She's been in a major rush to get married (not seeming to care to WHOM), ever since then. And I think it's partially fueled by the fact that her little brother (my husband) got married already and will have kids soon. I think she feels she's lagging behind.
We have tried to convince her to take some chances, get out and live life a little!! It's the perfect time to try new things, because she has no one but herself to think of, but she's paralyzed. The girl is 29, makes loads of money, probably has $60k in the bank, and lives at home!! With her parents, AND little siblings (aged 9 and 11). It's like she thinks if she's still at home, she hasn't grown up yet and then it's ok she's not married. It's getting pretty sad.
AND I think you're cool because your job is creative! I LOVE crafty stuff, and I'm trying to learn different things, I have a craft desk in my basement and all kinds of supplies. I really like mosaics (am making my mom a table), and I'm trying to teach myself to sew. I just have to set aside the time to do this. One of my goals for the next 6 months--get crafty! I look forward to seeing your pics!
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Yeah I think sometimes I just arbitrarily pick something and stick to it, instead of wavering and looking unsure of myself. I hate wavering. I picked one college, applied, and went. Even when I was miserable at times I never thought of transferring. I picked 2 majors and stuck to them. Everyone said Spanish majors should go abroad, so I did. I applied to one law school, got in, and went. I don't like the idea of considering many options at once. I stay in monogamous long-term relationships for a long time, never think about dating around. When I break up, I am totally over it and I move on right away. I've never gotten back with an ex, ever. I have sometimes looked back and questioned decisions, but never aloud, and I've never redone anything. I guess that makes people think I'm decisive, but really I think I'm impulsive and afraid of giving the impression of wavering.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Yay I'm cool! Haha..sometimes I wonder
Your sister in law sounds like she's confused. Hopefully I will be married to someone fabulous before I'm 30...but sometimes I wonder if I'll be one of those girls who is 35 and still hasn't found someone she thinks is right and then people are tapping their watches and saying I better have a kid before it's too late. Hmm...:)
Well I'm glad you like to be crafty too. I love getting all messy and just having fun. I welded this huge rocking chair out of steel freshman year in school and it was great because I was scared to do it at first, but once I gave into it I loved it! Sitting there in my cool goggles and covered in ash and getting hit with welding sparks - best time ever! You'll have to post a pic of your table you're making - I wish I did more mosaic stuff!
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Oh no, it was totally unexpected. He worked as the night manager at Red Lobster in Benton Harbor. Benton Harbor is a nasty place, highest crime rate per person in the state of Mi. We lived in the next town over, St. Joseph. Anyways, I had just moved out and he just moved in with his fluzy of a girlfriend (yeah, I'm still a bit bitter ) as she was pregnant with his kid. I was told when he didn't come home, she drove to the restraunt to check on him as she couldn't get anyone to answer the phone. His car was in the parking lot but the doors were locked. She called the police and he was found stabed to death in the office. I still have nightmares and can't watch any movies with stabbings or anything like that in it.
They caught the guy, he was a crack addict who worked in the kitchen. Chip (my ex-husband) had loaned him some money earlier in the night and this guy came back later looking for another handout. When Chip refused, he pulled a big knife from the kitchen and threaten him. Chip open the safe and gave him ALl the money but the guy still stabbed him, 36 times!
Unfortunately, we don't have the death penalty in Mi. The guy was sentanced to life, which in Mi means 30 years. I still get and send christmas cards to his family. The funeral was hard as I had never been to a funeral. It was open casket and I've never been able to get the image of him laying in the casket out of my head. I made the mistake of touching him, he was cold and hard, I almost passed out.
That was a long time ago and I think I've come to term with it, as best as one can. I'm no longer angry and just try to remember the good things about him and our relationship.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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They're fake mashed potatoes!! For some reason, I find them very offensive. My husband likes them though.
Spam!! I had to eat that too! Did you ever eat vienna sausages??? WAY worse. One thing we never ate, cause we couldn't afford it, was stuff like Twinkies, Fruit Roll-Ups, sugary cereal, McDonald's....I guess it's good that I never developed a taste for that stuff!
And you're definitely right--what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I see evidence of that every day. Live and learn, right?
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Maybe all that fake crap that we ate as kids is why or stomachs are all screwed up now.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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oh my gosh.. that is a terrible story. Its like you'd never think that stuff like that would happen.
And I agree about funerals and everything. i've been to a few, and generally when the person is in their 70s or 80s, its not as scary. however, I've been to my cousin's wake who was killed when he was 21 and a girl on my field hockey teamed who was killed when we were 16, and I'll never forget the open casket there to this very day.
I guess when they are young, and its unexpected it just hits you alot harder.
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ash ...
#195546 - 07/14/05 08:11 AM
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don't you have a quiz to study for?
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Oh, Fake mashed potatoes!! Yep, ate my share growing up! In fact, we only had "real" potatoes on holidays!! My mom wasn't much of a cooker!! Not sure I ever had the vienna sausages but we got served boiled ring balony, a lot!!!
How about the SOS?? Thats sh$t on a shingle!! Whatever kinda grease gravey she could come up with, over toast, ugh! Gulosh was another we ate a lot of and I hated!!
No, we never had twinkies or fruit rollups or anything like that. She would buy BIG containers of icecream, the cheap kind by the gallon, so we had lots of that on those cheap colored cones! Once in a blue moon we would get Mc Donalds or Taco Bell as they were much cheapier than a real restraunt! Oh, we did have the sugary cereals but with POWDERED milk, that stuff was the worse!!! ACK!!! Makes me gag just thinking about it!! And more cool aide than a kid should ever drink!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Wow that is quite a story. Again I have to say that you are such a brave and strong person and you should never be ashamed of anything (your job included). And if you asked around just on the board I think you'd find that you've influenced peoples lives and helped them more than you know.
This thread has turned out to be quite an interesting one! It's nice to share stuff with people.
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You know, the cheap kind 4 for a dollar kinda thing! Double ACK!!!!
The thing I hated most, was frozen mixed vegatables!!!! I would eat canned veggies but I hated that frozen meoldy mix with the bracolli and califlower. She would make me sit at the table for HOURS until I ate it! Tried everything in the book, spit it out in your coolaide cup, spit it out in the napkin, hide in under the cushion!!! We didn't have a dog to feed it too when she wasn't looking! I think I even buried some in a potted house plant once!! Why do parents torture their kids so?????
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thank you for reminding me of SOS---or should I say NO thank you. YES we ate that, I even remember the plastic plates we ate it on. And yes, lots of Kool-aid, and oh man I had totally forgot about those huge gallon ice creams! We SO had those too!! Later in life when I bought Breyer's I felt very fancy.
Oh, I feel bad joking, I'm sure my mom did the best she could, and I'd NEVER joke to her face. We certainly didn't starve, and I guess I learned to savor quality food!
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yes--those frozen pot pies for 25 cents, I swear. Oh man...I can taste it now!! And I was GOING to mention mixed veggies but forgot. It's like...let's take all the veggies that don't pass inspection cause they are crappy and put them with other crappy veggies and then we'll call it mixed veggies and people will eat it. I won't eat it to this day! And the medley is awful too.
And I think the reason I didn't like fish until I was an adult was fish sticks.
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You're so sweet! I do feel like I've made some really good friends here and I don't seem to have too much of a problem telling all my secrets on the world wide web, funny how that works!!! It took my shrink months to get me to open up and her I can just blab away!
I must say that whitout the support of this baord the last year or so, I would have had a very hard time coping! You've all done so much to help me with your neverending kind words and unconditional support and love!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm trying to forget them. Yes .. 4/$1.00. Two for my mother, one each for me and my brother, instant mashed on the side. My mother was a good cook, but couldn't stretch the little money that my father sent. In the summers (tourist town) she worked in a restaurant and the owner always sent leftovers home with her. That's when we got roast beef, etc. One summer we actually were getting sick of lobster. (well almost sick of lobster).
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Yes, the first time I went to the grocery store for myself and bought the GOOD icecream and REAL meat, I felt like such a big shot! LOL!!!
I too feel a bit bad about joking knowing my mom struggled and worked hard to give me what I had and I am grateful! And also knowing that some childern eat from dumpsters, that makes me so sad, but thats topic for a whole other thread as this one had kinda taken on a life of its own already! I'm just happy I never have to eat another cheap pot pie or plate of SOS in my life!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Oh, gosh, I ate so many fish sticks growing up, I thought I would grow gills!!!! Was there even any real fish in those???
My mom was a bartender for a long time and I always new when she had made good tips because we would have actual hamburger in our spaghetti!!! But to be honest, I really thought thats how everyone ate because I didn't know any different until I was much older!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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That sounds like such a great plan! You DO sound like you have it "together!!" I'm proud of you for wanting to get more life expierence before looking for a man! I think if more people did this, there would be a lot less divorce!!
I would most definitely come to your b&b! I've only ever stayed at two but really enjoyed it!! I too, like interior design and I think its great you are pursuing it but don't be afraid to change your mind if you find something else you like better! Its all about being happy!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thanks Michele!
I hope I have it together. I know what I want to do, so we'll just have to see how it pans out. I'm supposed to be staying in a B&B in savannah tomorrow night with my friend. We're taking a road trip to D.C to meet my parents. I've only stayed in one other honest B&B but that was a long time ago. I'll be taking lots of notes!
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You all seem young enough to have time to paln for the future. I never made enough to put any away. Now I live at a place that gives us powdered milk, fish sticks, mac and cheese, frozen mixed veggies (I won't eat them) and what looks like pot pie w/o the crust aka 'chicken ala king'. Actually what it looks like is those plastic puke things you buy at a joke shop. It's mixed veg, gravy, and a little bit of chicken. So plan ahead gals, living on SSI ain't the greatest.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Sorry, too many new posts and I couldn't tell if you were writing this to me or not!
Anwyays, I have heard that so much, that I might hate being at home, etc. But honestly, I have been at home over a year now, and still love it...there are TONS of SATM's in my neighborhood, heck, there's 5 of them surrounding my house...so we are constantly doing things together, etc. I won't miss adult interaction because of them! Besides, I'm one of those people who really likes being alone anyways - I NEED that alone time!
You are so lucky to have your sister there to watch him! See that would be perfect. I dont' have family around here I trust my neighbors, but not enough...just because they have their own kids, and their own ways of disciplining, etc.
Anyways, I'm glad you figured out what works for you - it sounds like a great situation!
THanks for sharing
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~Cara~
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Now I'm totally craving potato buds. Thanks for nothing!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I think because probably more than half that post on these boards do stay home that I just felt that there was no working mom's speaking up and I kinda just wanted to add how my life goes. I also live in a development where 90% of the mom's don't work and it gets frustrating cause they all have their own little "click" and I sometimes feel left out cause I work. To be honest with you though I think if I didn't work I'd fall into their gossipy ways that I don't want to be like that. Sometimes it's better to be out of the loop
Anyways, with the kind of job you have, I can guarantee that you will not be happy working the hours that you do if you had a little one. Your choice to stay home would be a smart one at least for the first years maybe until they go to school. Of course, it does get a bit easier but it's still hectic with after school activities! It really never ends.
I would be fine staying home part time but probably not full time. I'd go a bit crazy. I have to agree with LanaMarie though, I think we all have it in our minds that we are supposed to stay home or should stay home and when that plan doesn't work, we feel guilty. I think you best bet is to try it and see. If it doesn't work after the first 6mths or so, would your employer let you come back? That's something to think about.
Thanks for the kind words. I really didn't mean to make anyone think that I thought I was a bad person, but sometimes guilt makes you wonder
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~~~Lisa~~~
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I'm a real one-decision-and-stick-with-it person too. I'm not that impulsive...I think about decisions for ages...but then I make up my mind and that's it. My Mum drives me mad...she makes a decision, changes her mind a million times and then spends years regretting she didn't do something different!
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but I think it's because I like things to happen quickly, and I know I will debate with myself endlessly and needlessly. I know people who are incapable of making ANY decisions, and I'd rather be the way I am than like that!
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I don't even understand when my friends buy a pair of shoes, take them home, think about them, and return them. I've never EVER returned ANYTHING, unless it was the wrong size or something. I make a decision and that's the end of it. Maybe we're all nuts!
I think that's part of the reason that the uncertainty in my current relationship situation is stressing me out. I like things to be decided. I guess I can't really do that when it involves another person's decisions too. It's hard for me to sit back and let bf suss out his own feelings and decide where we will go. The only decision I can make is stay in this or leave. He can decide stay in it, leave, or move it forward. I hate that I don't get to be the one to move it forward, but it's got to be a unanimous decision and he's a traditional guy who needs to be the pursuer. Blah blah blah.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I was just chatting about this with my SIL. She has a zillion graduate degrees with a ton of letters after her name. When she and my brother got married, she was practicing as a licensed psychotherapist in a really demanding environment (basically diagnosing kids and developing treatment plans, etc). When she got pregnant and was considered high-risk, her doctor ordered her to quit her job. She and my brother decided that she would continue to stay home after the baby was born. I know that ego-wise it was an adjustment for her to be so dependant and not be contributing financially. She also misses adult conversation. What really kills her, though, is when current professionals give her pitying looks when she says she is a stay at home mom. Now she doesn't even tell people what she used to do. Too many questions about "all that schooling for nothing" and things like that. But, if she went back to work, she'd have just as many fingers wagging at her, saying she should be at home with her baby. You can't have everyone's approval ever. You just have to do what seems right to you, and that's it.
I still don't know what I'll do.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Michele
#195825 - 07/14/05 07:19 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I was thinking of you the other day when I was at the eye doctor's office. I absolutely love the girl there that helps me with contacts and glasses. She is so great at what she does, and I just adore her. She has been so patient and so helpful to me.
And believe it or not, I was thinking how envious I am of her and her nice job! I have a college degree, and I hate what I studied. The pay is low, and the hours are horrible. So I don't feel like I have a career!
I think what you do is so important. It doesn't matter if you have a college degree or not. So don't think any less of yourself because you don't.
And thanks for sharing your story. I didn't know you had had such a hard time before you met Will. You are an incredibly strong person for surviving all of that. One day you and Will will be parents, and you will be such a wonderful mom!
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Amanda
#196028 - 07/15/05 10:53 AM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
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Quote:
Ha! I'm amazed I could stop laughing long enough to hit the reply key! Everyone always seems to think I am so driven, and inside I feel like such a mess. Truth be told, I'd abandon my career and my life in New York to be with my bf in London, where I'd have a hard time working. He's hesitating all of a sudden (about EVERYTHING), and I'm questioning a lot myself. I know that if I do have a career I want it to be in law, and probably at the firm I'm working for this summer, but I also never saw myself as a career woman. I always imagined I'd be married right out of college, would have a thousand babies and stay home and take care of them. When it was clear by senior year that that wouldn't happen, I decided to go to law school, kind of on a lark. Once I got there people just seemed to push me in a certain direction, and I let the current take me. Now I'm somehow editor-in-chief of moot court, which is a huge, prestigious position, and I feel like someone is going to come to their senses one day and realize that I'm a total goofball! It's reassuring, I guess, that I come off as having it all together, but it also makes it hard for me sometimes to admit that I need advice, etc. I feel afraid to shatter people's perception of me, you know?
Do you think guys think about this sort of stuff?
Yeah ... all the time, unfortunately.
It's funny to read this. I've lurked here a long time and I've always definitely thought you had it all together! But, sorry, my opinion still hasn't changed, even if you think you're a mess. You couldn't be where you're at right now if you weren't at least somewhat with it.
I've read your other posts about your BF. Like lots of other women here, I went through this with my husband as well. He didn't want to go sow wild oats -- he didn't have his eye on other women -- there was nothing wrong with our relationship -- he just Wasn't Ready To Commit. I ended up deciding to stick it out because the thought of leaving him sort of made me feel like vampire rabbits were gnawing on my internal organs. We had our one-year wedding anniversary two months ago and are really happy together. (and if only I could suppress the horrible "nagging" gene handed down from my mother we would be even happier)
I don't know what's tougher -- sticking it out, or deciding not to. I know it must be even worse for you since BF's in London. I wish you luck with whatever you do decide.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I can nag sometimes, but I justify in my head (and too my husband) by saying that if he could think of things on his own without me having to tell him, and then remind him 5 times, then I wouldn't have to. But that will never happen. So I think he's kind of accepted it.
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My husband is EXTREMELY forgetful and scattered. If I don't remind him of stuff we'd be screwed. Since he's a computer geek we call me his external hard drive.
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Hah!
#196055 - 07/15/05 11:26 AM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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I sometimes call myself his "daily planner"!!
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Quote:
I can nag sometimes, but I justify in my head (and too my husband) by saying that if he could think of things on his own without me having to tell him, and then remind him 5 times, then I wouldn't have to. But that will never happen. So I think he's kind of accepted it.
This is so my line too!! LMAO
My other famous line when he says "What's the big deal" - I always say - if it's not a big deal to you and it is to me - then do it my way Bwhahaha - I am such a bag!!!
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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I can't believe none of you guys have mentioned those! To this day I still don't like real blueberries because I grew up thinking that blueberries were supposed to be the little pellet things you got in Jiffy muffin mixes.
We were broke when I was a kid. Welfare, food stamps, etc. When it was bad we'd have to go to the food bank to get food. You took what they gave you and got out before you had to meet the eyes of anyone else around you. They would always give you like a HUGE amount of rice, powdered milk, and noodles, and then they would give you a huge bag of sticky stale rolls/doughnuts the grocery stores couldn't sell, and then the "frivolous" stuff -- discontinued candy/sweets, usually. One time we got a huge quantity of pints of coffee ice cream. None of us really liked the taste, but it was ice cream, so we ate it.
My parents were pretty good about not making us eat stuff we didn't like. But we didn't have much choice, so you usually ate it anyway. I was a picky eater so a lot of the time I would eat a cheese-and-mayo sandwich or PB crackers. Oh how I miss cheese-and-mayo sandwiches. I know it sounds disgusting but it was good, really. Miracle Whip spread lavishly over soft doughy white bread with a slice of American cheese from Aldi's. Mmmm.
Ginger and Michele, you guys could've come over to our house for dinner any night of the week and you would've thought it was "just like Mom's"
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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As far as being forgetfull....Tommy is this true?!?!?
Justin wouldn't remember to put his pants on if I didn't tell him to. I have to do EVERYTHING! (I seriously do put his clothes out in the bathroom each night)
It's almost pointless to tell him to do something until the SECOND I need it done, because I'll just have to remind him until that second either way
I dont know how he survived w/o me - lol. Or else he just is playing dumb so that I do everything...
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~Cara~
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Jen
#196078 - 07/15/05 11:42 AM
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That's really sweet, Jen, thank you. I try to remind myself that I wouldn't be here if I weren't at least somewhat together, but then I also feel like a fraud sometimes, like I got where I am by some cosmic accident. I try to tell myself that if I'm going to blame myself for bad things then I have to take credit for good things, but I can't help but feel most of the time that my success is some sort of fluke. I am so scared of screwing up because I feel like one false move and the curtain will come down, and the Wizard will just be some little old man with a megaphone, you know? Ugh all this introspection is making me wonder if I'm crazy ...
But thank you for your support about my bf situation. I don't really know what to do. I can't imagine giving up, but I also wonder if that's just a function of my stubbornness and my refusal to show a moment of hesitation or self doubt. I don't know. Things have been better lately because I've made an effort to be happy-go-lucky on the phone, because I know he needs me to back off and stop asking him what he's feeling. But at the same time that makes me angry because I want him to want to talk to me always, not just when I'm feeling happy and in control. And everything seems bigger and worse when you are miles away and can't just see the person and feel your heart race. It's so complicated.
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks again for your support.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Re: Cara
#196081 - 07/15/05 11:47 AM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
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If you love kids so much, have you ever thought about doing day-care in your home? My brother-in-law's wife does it and she actually makes a LOT more than I'd thought. They also get to expense off a lot since it's in-home. It isn't even an option for me because we live out in BFE.
You're lucky that your husband agrees. My husband has agreed to let me stay home, but he doesn't really agree with me. That's probably the biggest reason why I am still thinking of working -- I'm worried that my being home will end up being a source of contention between us.
What does SATM mean?? I thought it meant stay-at-home-mom, but the initials don't work out.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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meaning that I get on his case about unfinished projects. I know perfectly well that my nagging only makes it worse, but I can't make myself stop. I do procastinate, but never about anything that I consider important -- I have things like craft projects etc. that aren't done yet. In general I am very much a hurry-up-and-do-it person, and he's not, so sometimes we drive each other crazy.
I do have the "memory" in the family, too, but that form of nagging he doesn't mind.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I was going to ask if this was a male/female thing or not. I wonder if maybe women like us are some how drawn to or more attractive to men like that?!?! Like subconsciously they are looking for someone to keep them on track and in check???
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Why would you assume subconscious? I think they deliberately seek people who have the qualities they lack! And, as a species, I think a lot of men lack these detailed planning capabilities. To some extent, we do the same thing. I know that I love that my bf can deal with finance and major investments and all of that stuff, because I have no interest in it. I'm sure I could learn if I needed to, but I know he's on it so I don't bother. I do need to nag him about certain things (send flowers to your mom for mothers' day, send a baby gift to your boss's wife, update your passport). But, in his defense, he planned our entire trip to Turkey. Booked all the flights, the hotels, contacted tour guides in every city, set up activities. I was blown away! That's the kind of planning I usually feel like I have to do, and he totally took control. And surprisingly, I was happy to let him. And, it was a great trip! Far cry from traveling Spain with my ex, when we'd wake up at whatever time, find out where the bus station was, go there, wait around all day for a bus since we'd never look at a schedule beforehand, get to the next city and lug our packs all around an unfamiliar city looking for a hostel. That was the beginning of the end for us! I don't need four-star service but I do need a little bit of planning! The boy never even made a dinner reservation in his life! I like to think I'm pretty low-mainenance, but that was asking a little much. I am way too much of an uptight east coaster to deal with a Colorado mountain boy like him forever. They are just different!
Sorry, tangent ...
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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OOPS! I meant SAHM - my bad! I must have been thinking "AT". My bad!
I have completely thought about doing day-care at home. I actually had all the paperwork ready at one point. I don't think I want to make it official like that - I already know I'll be watching my friends baby - she is due in March. I think I'll just keep it to a couple friend's kids - or neighbor's kids. I actually did watch 2 of the boys in the neighborhood for about 6 months, but they moved.
There's just SO much liability that comes with doing that, it's scary. I know I'd love it, and be good at it, but I'd rather stick to just 2 or 3 kids that I know the parents very well.
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~Cara~
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Yeah, maybe you're right. Like you, my husband is the one who figures out all the financial stuff. I keep the checkbook and pay the bills, but he deals with the big stuff. Oh AND he's the cook in this family, and I am the baker. So I guess we make a good pair.
Now, I must say it is my DREAM to have someone plan a vacation for me--anyone!! We are going to a wedding at Yosemite in Sept., a few days in San Fran before the wedding, then down to cabo after. A long, nice break. Of which I had to PLAN EVERYTHING. Cars, air tickets, hotels, etc. I should be glad he lets me pick, but it gets to where I've done so much reserach I don't even want to go! The one thing left to arrage is our scuba diving---that's more his area of expertise than mine, and I'm not so picky as him. So I told him I'd give him a place to start and some names but he had to take it from there, and he agreed.
BUT...sometimes I wonder if I'm just a control freak and could handle someone planning a vacation for me. Who knows!
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(To this day those flying monkeys still scare the hell out of me.)
I know how you feel. I get stress-induced fits of paranoia all the time. Why is it so easy to brush away one's successes and agonize over one's failures? I'm not sure exactly how one goes about de-stressing and feeling all happy and self-confident. I have a feeling that winning the lottery and buying a private island in the Pacific somewhere might lie in the answer somewhere. And my guess is that your successes are not flukes. Sure, there is always some amount of being in the right place and so on and so forth, but you can't be successful on luck and cosmic vibes alone.
Again, totally understand about the BF thing. We were stuck in the same ugly cycle of my wanting to KNOW, wanting to know where exactly are we going???? when he didn't know the answer. And when I look back I don't know why I kept asking, because the answer was not going to change just because I kept nagging him. He needed time, and once I finally backed off and respected that, things got a lot better, and we did end up getting engaged. I think what made me back off was suddenly wondering one day -- what if our positions were reversed? What if I wasn't 100% on this thing and he kept pushing me? I hate being pressured. No one does. And no matter how logically or nicely I presented the question, it was still pressure -- pressure to have an answer that he didn't have. It wasn't like he was deliberately toying with my feelings and trying to string me out as long as he could so he'd have someone to pay half the bills and wash his dirty socks.
I guess in a perfect world your significant other should always want to talk to you no matter what, but it just doesn't work out that way. When it's a discussion on a subject that always ends up with both of you unhappy, that's a little different, at least in my book. My husband is always there for me, but there are conversations we know by now that we can't have.
I guess when you get down to it -- men suck! They can't commit! Seriously, I think that they run on cycles, like they only consider marriage every 7 years or something. I almost threw in the towel more than once. But, I'm very glad I didn't. I can't speak for anyone else, though. It's so hard, especially when you have years invested and might end up thinking about "what if"s ... and yeah, that long-distance part sucks. I'm not sure what either of you have planned for staying in your respective cities, but it does make it tough to plan for the future when you don't know if you're going to be together.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Kree
#196255 - 07/15/05 06:27 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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I remember from your profile that you're a teacher, right? I originally wanted to go to college to become an elementary school teacher (my mother talked me out of it because computers paid better). I've thought about going back to college (at night or as much distance learning as I can) while I'm at home with the kids to become a teacher, but problem is it's a lot of school. Most of my credits won't transfer since they're tech geek classes so I'd have to count on pretty much doing it all. Just curious what your thoughts are. Or if you now regret becoming a teacher and wish you'd gone into computers.
By the way, where in the Thousand Islands are you? DH and I went to upstate NY for our honeymoon. We wanted to go to New England and had actually originally planned on going to Maine, but I was looking at the NY Atlas, saw Boldt Castle, wondered what the heck Boldt Castle was, googled it, and decided I HAD to see it. We decided one day when one of us becomes rich and famous we're going to buy it and live there.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Re: Cara
#196262 - 07/15/05 06:40 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Okay, good, I was going crazy here trying to figure out what that T stood for. I don't know why it bugs me so much when I can't figure out an acronym. Probably because I am a computer geek.
Yeah, that's true, the liability is kinda scary and you have to get extra insurance and stuff. Although, my SIL lives in kind of a rough backwaters town where you would actually have to post a sign in the yard stating "ILLEGAL DRUGS SOLD HERE" before anyone would come around and bother you.
I am still waffling over the stay-at-home thing. If I could go part-time, I think I would do it. But it is so hard to get into decent daycares around here, and they don't like taking part-time kids. That's another reason why I need to decide if I'm going to keep working, 'cause the minute I get pg we'd have to get on a waiting list.
Oh, well. Guess I should go get myself knocked up before I worry about this, right?
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Quote:
Yeah, that's true, the liability is kinda scary and you have to get extra insurance and stuff. Although, my SIL lives in kind of a rough backwaters town where you would actually have to post a sign in the yard stating "ILLEGAL DRUGS SOLD HERE" before anyone would come around and bother you.
LOL! Well, I guess that's not funny....but it makes me laugh still...
I say, put your name on the waiting list regardless of what you decide, in case you change your mind halfway through. Heck, put your name on a FEW waiting lists!
I know day cares don't like part-timers....is there anyone around you that you can really trust??
I still of course vote that you stay home for awhile, until he/she is in school or something...then take a part time job during those hours.
Maybe you'll know what to do when you get pregnant - maybe you'll just have a gut feeling...maybe you do now?
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~Cara~
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Re: Cara
#196363 - 07/16/05 08:08 AM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
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My gut feeling is STAY HOME.
But, gut feelings do not pay the mortgage! We can get by fine on DH's salary (and we'll have a cushion in a savings account) ... but DH isn't crazy about "getting by". He likes to be able to buy whatever he wants when he wants. And because he thinks that daycare is OK, he is a little grumbly about my staying home. That's really the main reason why I'm still thinking about working.
I think he is also afraid that I will refuse to go back to work and spend my days eating bonbons and reading French novels or something. I don't think he understands how much WORK it is to raise a child. I am hoping that once we actually do have children he will feel a little differently.
Are there any studies/books/Internet articles out there on stay-at-home moms and the benefits? And why your kid won't become a social freak even if he doesn't go to daycare? I would love to find stuff like that to show to my husband. I have a couple books on stay-at-home-moms but they mainly deal with the practicalities of living on one income and all that.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I understand where you're coming from....but I think that your hubby wanting to buy what he wants, when he wants it, is a bit selfish to your future kids! If him wanting to buy things is more important than you staying home to raise them, then that is messed up logic to me! But everyone has different opinions I know...maybe his thoughts will change a little when you have that baby. You don't want to regret missing out on the babies first years...
And who knows? You might HATE being home after a year, and want to work...then you can decide...but if your gut is telling you to stay home, I think you need to do that.
I HATE when people say kids will be anti-social if they aren't in daycare. That's the biggest load of BULL I've ever heard! (I'm not saying you said that- just in general!) It's not like you'll sit at home and watch tv all day and never let them interact with kids. There are TONS of activities you can sign up for at the park district or schools or whatever - where YOU can be there with him, so that YOU are the one to discipline him, watch over him, etc. I'm not knocking all daycares...I know there are some great one, and some people have to send their kids to one....I just dispise when people say that they won't be social - it's like the only argument they have. My sister is actually getting her PhD right now - and she has done EXTENSIVE studies of children raised in daycares vs. raised by parents in the FIRST FEW YEARS...and the number of problems with day care children is SO much higher, mainly because of the confusion in discipline. I do NOT mean to offend anyone who has kids in daycare - this is by no means EVERY child...heck, I was put in day care part time too...I'm just saying that, in my opinion, it's good to be home for at least a few years...there are plenty of things you can do from home.
Eg - I am just now starting to tutor math out of my home - it's easy, pays very well, and I don't have to leave!
Anyways....I hope I didn't offend you at all, I didn't mean to AT ALL. Just trying to tell you how I feel. I know everyone has different opinions, this is just something I feel strongly about. And hey - stay at home DADS are wonderful too! If they can handle it
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~Cara~
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I agree-our mat leave is long and I found though I love my daughter more than anything, I was going a little stir crazy without adult interaction. I tried doig a dayhome for the last 3 mos of my mat leave, and had to go back to work to get OUT of the dayhome business! Was not for me.
My Dh works nights and I teach all day so we have a good hand-off situation. i too am queasy about daycare, and kayleigh has never been in one. I think if there's a way to avoid it, you should! They're ONLY YOUNG ONCE!enjoy that while you can!
I've worked in a great daycare and know it can be a good thing, but the kids also get sick like wildfire, often. i didn't want that for my little boo either. And, we save hundreds every month for NOT sending her. Is the financial cost worth it? Maybe for some, certainly not for us.
Now that kay is 2 1/2 we might send her on Monday afternoons to a nice dayhome, for some socialization and catchup time for Daddy and maybe even Mommy. But now I feel like this is the age where it's more "playdate time" than "babysitting time." I still loathe having anyone babysit her-I feel I'm letting her down. Luckily we have a ton of family to call on too. Ah the good ol Prairie family.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Personal opinion, you can NOT go wrong staying home with your babies as long as possible. It's a sacrifice you will not regret. Don't know if you're in the medical field or not but is there a possibility you could work on an as needed basis, just to keep current in your field and earn a bit of extra cash? I have worked since my baby was 6 1/2 wks old, with an exception of about 6 months before I went to nursing school and during the time I went to nursing school. I had hoped to have another baby when my husband finished his master's program, but when we lost 2 pregnancies and also experienced financial difficulties, I gave up on having a baby and knew that I would have to go to school to get a good career. So, that's my feeling... I agree with you that it is best to have your babies raised by parents instead of a daycare... although I had good experiences and she turned out fine. It's definitely a personal decision, but sounds like you do want to have your children raised by you guys. What about your husband being an at-home daddy? That's another possibility. Good luck and I hope you get pregnant very easily and have great pregnancies!! ~K~
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