Don't Know What To Do.....
#194152 - 07/11/05 10:17 AM
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Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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I just need to vent some stuff out right now so I thought this would be a good place to do it.
I'm having boyfriend troubles. We've been together for 4 years (broke up for a year and got back together).
When we got back together we decided that this would be it for us. We wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.
Well then in December he told me that he wasn't sure if he saw me in his future anymore. I was obviously really upset and we talked about it lots and he said he was just feeling a bit scared but that he loved me and wanted to be with me.
In April he was telling me how perfect he thought we were together and how he wanted to be with me forever and even told me that he wanted to MARRY me. Things were great.
Then on saturday he tells me that feelings change and he can't say he wants to be with me forever because he's not sure anymore.
I am seriously confused. He wants to be with me forever in November, isn't sure in December, wants to marry me in April, and now in July he's not sure again.
I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I should just break up with him. If after this long and all we've been through he's not sure if he wants a future with me then I just don't see what the point is. I've lost all faith, trust and security in our relationship because he just can't seem to make up his mind about us.
I love him more than ever and I want to be with him but at what price? This is physically and mentally bad for me.
I want to talk to him about this stuff but at the same time I'm scared to talk to him about it because there's a possibility that he will tell me what I don't want to hear and then our relationship will be over.
I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for a break up but I can't stop crying. I'm not hungry....my stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do.
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I don't have much for advice Kimm, but it sounds to me like he's really confused too. If I were you, I would be pulling my hair out too. When it came down to it with my DH, I ended up having the "sh*t or get off the pot" talk. I knew that I wanted to be with him forever, but I also knew that I couldn't wait forever for him to make a decision. It was either stay with me and marry me, or let me move on. I fortunately knew what his answer would be, so I had quite an advantage here.
I feel for you. You need to do what you feel is best for yourself hon. Don't let him be in complete control here. Does he know how this makes you feel?
Good luck! I hope things work out in a positive way for you.
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Wow, let me first start by saying that I wish you the best. These situations are never easy. I am going to offer an opinion based on a personal experience that changed my life in the best way possible. I had a boyfriend that I also lived with. At about the 3 year mark, our relationship started to change. I felt emotionally drained. A couple of great friendships gave me the courage to end the relationship even though I did love him and felt like we would be together forever. I was single for the next year and had more fun than I ever had before, and then I met Tim. He is truly my soulmate and we're going to be married in 12 days!
The point of my story, even though a bit different than your situation, is to go with your gut instinct. Find the courage and the support system like I did and make the best move for you. In my opinion it does sound your relationship isn't healthy. A good relationship should be just that, good. You will find someone else that doesn't make you question yourself or your relationship, I promise!
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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In somewhat of a similar situation myself ... I'll stay tuned for any advice. I have none to offer! Good luck.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I know it's hard to do but that's all you can do - put your thoughts/feelings out there honestly. Including your fears. Then I'd say maybe consider putting some boundaries up for yourself - basically, let him choose his resonse, that is up to him, not you, but if he does respond in a way you don't want, what will your next move be? How can you move on?
It may be that he is committed but fearful.. maybe he needs some reassurance, too?
I have no idea.. I don't miss these days AT ALL!! big hugs...
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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and he had some serious psychiatric issues  I ended up breaking it off with him because he wouldn't get help. When he DID get help it was too late...
To be THAT up and down isn't normal. If there are other issues...maybe consider he needs help? Like are there other things he is VERY up and down with? Other issues he has?
I agree in any case...you should do what you feel is best in your heart. Maybe journal abou it if it isn't clear to you? *hugs*
I want you to be HAPPY Kimm...you deserve it!
Sending you clarity, hugs, love, and serenity,
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Kimm, you have control over your life. You deserve a man that ADORES you and wants to marry you. If he's so flip-dloppy, that's NOT good as you already know.
How old are you two? Sometimes when you meet someone young and stay together for years, you just grow at different paces and may end up not suitable after all. My ex and I had that happen.
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Situations like these are never easy but I'm a firm believer in being honest, upfront and going with you gut feeling. Four years is plenty of time to know if you truely love someone or not. If that love isn't mutual, than I believe the relationship isn't going to last.
My advice would be to think what you would do if you did break up, where you would live and what friends would be there for support, etc. Than, have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him he needs to make a commitment or let you move on. Big hugs and lots of love!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I didn't want to come down too hard in my first answer but I just gotta say this... my dh never showed a single hesitation and has been with me for 15 years thruogh thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health and 3 kids and everything in between... If I'd ever doubted his love or feeling for me I'm not sure we'd have made it this long and still be totally committed/happy/in love as we are. Of course the Lord is there helping us both every day, that makes all the difference, but point is I totally trust how he feels for me.. that's what you want and what you deserve.
Okay, for what it's worth, there it is. 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Hi Kimm... I don't post very often, but read most things, and all I can say (and you can do with it whatever you want), but I think (based on personal experience) that if there are so many troubles and doubts in the early years of a relationship, no matter how much it may hurt, I believe it is better to just call it quits. I started dating my ex husband when we were 18.. we broke up after 6 months, got back together, for many years of lots of misery, finally got married after 8 years (when he proposed, my first thought was NOOOOOO!! but still I went through with it.. don't ask me why, I really don't know), finally got divorced after 2 years of (misery) marriage. I feel like all these years of struggle could have been avoided if we had not gotten back together after the first breakup but oh well...
Now I am happily married with a man that I respect, who respects me, we have similar interests, and don't have any doubts about seeing or not seeing the other in our future, so life is good again.
My sister and my best friend are in a similar situation as yours, and all I can do is share my opinion, they (and you) are the ones having to make the decision eventually... but I believe personally that one is better of single and happy than in a marriage/relationship but feeling miserable or unsure/doubtful all the time. That's all I can say... hope this helps..
I wish you find an answer soon....
{{{HUGS}}}
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nicky
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