Don't Know What To Do.....
#194152 - 07/11/05 10:17 AM
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
I just need to vent some stuff out right now so I thought this would be a good place to do it.
I'm having boyfriend troubles. We've been together for 4 years (broke up for a year and got back together).
When we got back together we decided that this would be it for us. We wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.
Well then in December he told me that he wasn't sure if he saw me in his future anymore. I was obviously really upset and we talked about it lots and he said he was just feeling a bit scared but that he loved me and wanted to be with me.
In April he was telling me how perfect he thought we were together and how he wanted to be with me forever and even told me that he wanted to MARRY me. Things were great.
Then on saturday he tells me that feelings change and he can't say he wants to be with me forever because he's not sure anymore.
I am seriously confused. He wants to be with me forever in November, isn't sure in December, wants to marry me in April, and now in July he's not sure again.
I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I should just break up with him. If after this long and all we've been through he's not sure if he wants a future with me then I just don't see what the point is. I've lost all faith, trust and security in our relationship because he just can't seem to make up his mind about us.
I love him more than ever and I want to be with him but at what price? This is physically and mentally bad for me.
I want to talk to him about this stuff but at the same time I'm scared to talk to him about it because there's a possibility that he will tell me what I don't want to hear and then our relationship will be over.
I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for a break up but I can't stop crying. I'm not hungry....my stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I don't have much for advice Kimm, but it sounds to me like he's really confused too. If I were you, I would be pulling my hair out too. When it came down to it with my DH, I ended up having the "sh*t or get off the pot" talk. I knew that I wanted to be with him forever, but I also knew that I couldn't wait forever for him to make a decision. It was either stay with me and marry me, or let me move on. I fortunately knew what his answer would be, so I had quite an advantage here.
I feel for you. You need to do what you feel is best for yourself hon. Don't let him be in complete control here. Does he know how this makes you feel?
Good luck! I hope things work out in a positive way for you.
--------------------
~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Wow, let me first start by saying that I wish you the best. These situations are never easy. I am going to offer an opinion based on a personal experience that changed my life in the best way possible. I had a boyfriend that I also lived with. At about the 3 year mark, our relationship started to change. I felt emotionally drained. A couple of great friendships gave me the courage to end the relationship even though I did love him and felt like we would be together forever. I was single for the next year and had more fun than I ever had before, and then I met Tim. He is truly my soulmate and we're going to be married in 12 days!
The point of my story, even though a bit different than your situation, is to go with your gut instinct. Find the courage and the support system like I did and make the best move for you. In my opinion it does sound your relationship isn't healthy. A good relationship should be just that, good. You will find someone else that doesn't make you question yourself or your relationship, I promise!
--------------------
***********************
IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
In somewhat of a similar situation myself ... I'll stay tuned for any advice. I have none to offer! Good luck.
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I know it's hard to do but that's all you can do - put your thoughts/feelings out there honestly. Including your fears. Then I'd say maybe consider putting some boundaries up for yourself - basically, let him choose his resonse, that is up to him, not you, but if he does respond in a way you don't want, what will your next move be? How can you move on?
It may be that he is committed but fearful.. maybe he needs some reassurance, too?
I have no idea.. I don't miss these days AT ALL!! big hugs...
--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
and he had some serious psychiatric issues  I ended up breaking it off with him because he wouldn't get help. When he DID get help it was too late...
To be THAT up and down isn't normal. If there are other issues...maybe consider he needs help? Like are there other things he is VERY up and down with? Other issues he has?
I agree in any case...you should do what you feel is best in your heart. Maybe journal abou it if it isn't clear to you? *hugs*
I want you to be HAPPY Kimm...you deserve it!
Sending you clarity, hugs, love, and serenity,
Ruch
--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Kimm, you have control over your life. You deserve a man that ADORES you and wants to marry you. If he's so flip-dloppy, that's NOT good as you already know.
How old are you two? Sometimes when you meet someone young and stay together for years, you just grow at different paces and may end up not suitable after all. My ex and I had that happen.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Situations like these are never easy but I'm a firm believer in being honest, upfront and going with you gut feeling. Four years is plenty of time to know if you truely love someone or not. If that love isn't mutual, than I believe the relationship isn't going to last.
My advice would be to think what you would do if you did break up, where you would live and what friends would be there for support, etc. Than, have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him he needs to make a commitment or let you move on. Big hugs and lots of love!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I didn't want to come down too hard in my first answer but I just gotta say this... my dh never showed a single hesitation and has been with me for 15 years thruogh thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health and 3 kids and everything in between... If I'd ever doubted his love or feeling for me I'm not sure we'd have made it this long and still be totally committed/happy/in love as we are. Of course the Lord is there helping us both every day, that makes all the difference, but point is I totally trust how he feels for me.. that's what you want and what you deserve.
Okay, for what it's worth, there it is. 
--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi Kimm... I don't post very often, but read most things, and all I can say (and you can do with it whatever you want), but I think (based on personal experience) that if there are so many troubles and doubts in the early years of a relationship, no matter how much it may hurt, I believe it is better to just call it quits. I started dating my ex husband when we were 18.. we broke up after 6 months, got back together, for many years of lots of misery, finally got married after 8 years (when he proposed, my first thought was NOOOOOO!! but still I went through with it.. don't ask me why, I really don't know), finally got divorced after 2 years of (misery) marriage. I feel like all these years of struggle could have been avoided if we had not gotten back together after the first breakup but oh well...
Now I am happily married with a man that I respect, who respects me, we have similar interests, and don't have any doubts about seeing or not seeing the other in our future, so life is good again.
My sister and my best friend are in a similar situation as yours, and all I can do is share my opinion, they (and you) are the ones having to make the decision eventually... but I believe personally that one is better of single and happy than in a marriage/relationship but feeling miserable or unsure/doubtful all the time. That's all I can say... hope this helps..
I wish you find an answer soon....
{{{HUGS}}}
--------------------
nicky
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I should just break up with him. If after this long and all we've been through he's not sure if he wants a future with me then I just don't see what the point is. I've lost all faith, trust and security in our relationship because he just can't seem to make up his mind about us.
In my opinion - you answered your own vent!!! Your heart knows what's best - follow it!!
((BIG HUGSSS)))
--------------------
Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Kimm, I know this hurts to think about, but what if you marry him, and he decides later that he doesn't want to be married?
To me....that would be worse than anything.
Although there are no guarantees with any marriage, you at least want to marry someone who tells you up front that they are madly in love with you---and know for sure that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. If he's doubting that now, my question is how will he feel later? Marriage is a huge commitment.
You're the only one who can decide if this relationship is worth taking that chance, but if it were me, I'd RUN, not walk, away from it.
You think it's hard now walking away, think how difficult it would be after investing YEARS in a marriage (and possibly having kids.)
I've known too many people who said they had a feeling what they were doing was not right, but they went ahead with a marriage anyway, and they always regretted that decision. (I think Barbara S. and others made this same statement recently.)
You don't want any doubts. Good luck, sweetie! I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I certainly don't want you miserable later. You deserve to be happy!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm 25 and he's 24 .... what doesn't make sense to me is how all of a sudden he's so hot and cold. This is not like him at all....soooo out of character for him.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I HATE to ask, but do you think he's intersted in someone else? Any strange behaviour?
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks guys....I know you're all right about everything and I appreciate your advice more than you know.
I spoke to him on the phone about 2 hours ago and said that I wanted to talk about this with him further because I can't just leave it like this.
He acted like there was nothing wrong at all. He said, "I've already made plans tonight but how about tomorrow....oh and don't forget the family dinner at my place on thursday night". WHAT??!!!
And then I said that I feel like I've lost all faith, trust and security in our relationship and he said, "I can understand why you would feel that way but if I wanted to break up with you then I would have done it already".
I don't understand.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Honestly, I think you should dump him. Something is definitely up. More than likely he is scared of making such a LT commitment at a young age. Guys think like that at 24, 25. I was a much different person at 24 than I am now. I was not sure what I wanted back then. Now, I am older, a little wiser and I do know what I want and who I want it with.
good luck in whatever you decide to do. I know it is a rough time for you.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
well for the last 2-3 weeks he's seemed a little different and I've felt like there was something weird between us but I don't think he's seeing someone else. It's not in his character at all to cheat and I'm pretty sure if he wanted to be with someone else he would come out and tell me. It's not in his nature to stay in a situation he doesn't want to be in.
But I guess you never really know.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I was also thinking what Tina said.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Seems like I'm always playing devil's advocate, but my husband and I got together when he was 20 and I was 19. We decided to get married then (though we waited 3 years to actually do it). I don't know if it's an age thing- maybe it's a right person thing? When you meet the right person it's not this difficult to decide to stay together? I'm not an expert on relationships (trust me) but it seems like it shouldn't be so hard.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Maybe he thinks that he might 'want' to date other people and is scared to settle down.
Hard to speculate...
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
sounds pretty bad. (this is all my opinion... grain of salt!)It sounds to me like he's very invested in holding power over you. He's running hot and cold on you as a way to keep the upper hand in the relationship, keep you on your toes. I'm not sure why he would do this, but what a drag. You shouldn't have to play power games with your SO.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
It is starting to sound like he want's the best of both worlds- freedom and an awesome girlfriend. I mimic what others have said- it doesn't sound like it's going to work out long term. If he really had you and your feelings first, he would talk to you tonight, not tomorrow.
--------------------
***********************
IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I sort of went through this with my husband....we met when we were 15 and 16, (I was older), he asked me out constantly and I said "no, you dork" (he was my best friend's brother), and then once he was a freshman in college we started dating. We'd had such a history already that it feels like we started dating long before that. For me, that was "it" already. I knew he was the one and didn't want anyone else. I never had doubts.
After we dated for about 3 years, he started having doubts. he couldn't say he definitely wanted to be with me. He didn't necessarily want to date other girls either. I felt like I was in limbo. He said it was because we had been together so long, he never dated around. (oh, poor him!  ).
We took a "break", it lasted a week. A year later, he brought it up again. It was like a knife to my heart. he couldn't even give me any reasons. There was nothing with me, it was all him. (The usual story).
It was my 2nd year of grad school and we were on another break, and we talked and I saw him a few times, but I mostly just dived into school and my life there, which was a lifesaver. Later that year he was ready to end the break he said: "We don't have to be on a break anymore", like...he was ending my punishment. I said thanks but YES WE DO! I told him I was never again going to go through that kind of pain from him. So it lasted a while longer, till I felt sure of him. After that.....everything has been perfect. That was about...6 years ago.
So...I think you're right to talk about it. I learned from experience that ignoring it (either you, or him) doesn't do any good because it always comes back. I really feel for you, because I know how awful it is to be SO sure, and have the other person still wondering. My heart goes out to you...
--------------------
 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Hrmph! Men!!
#194241 - 07/11/05 12:54 PM
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi Kimm,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds just awful! I can't understand why men do things like this, I could make guesses but then I might be way off the mark 'cause they are so damn complicated and confusing.. Although they THINK they aren't, which makes things even worse!!
I am wondering, has he ever been in any other long term relationship before, other than the one he is in with you? I am just thinking that maybe he has gotten into that mindset of "If I marry her, I'll have only really been with ONE PERSON!" which can freak people right out. I know that I have only ever been in this deep with Adrian, and it does sort of play up in the back of my mind that if we stay together, that's it. I'll never experience this or that... I mean, I put the rest of it in perspective and it goes away but maybe it bothers other people a lot more than it bothers me.
If I had to put money on it, it sounds to me like a total commitment thing. I have had best guy friends for ages, and it sounds really typical of wanting to be with someone NOW but not wanting to have to promise to be there always. Then the promising that he DOES want to be there always? I think that's probably just him realising that if he doesn't, he might lose you. Then something will happen and he'll think maybe he should be more weary of planning for forever.
Either way, it's not okay. It is selfish and cruel to put you through that, and the way you said he is reacting says he doesn't seem to realise that.
I definitely agree with the other girls about just being really honest and straight forward with him. I think in every relationship there comes a time for, "Okay, out of this relationship I want this, and that, and this.. and if you don't want those things, and I mean want those things every day, not every OTHER day or every so often then we really need to think about where this is going".
My counsellor that I love was talking about relationships and she specialises in harmonious divorce and stuff like that and she said that the leading 2 causes of a realtionship breaking down are Assumptions and Unspoken Expectations. I think you have to lay everything on the table and see where the cards fall.
I am so sorry again, I know this must just be so heartbreaking and emotionally draining. We'll be here for you, and eMail me any time!
**big hugs**
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I don't have much other advice different from what you've already gotten but I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are being put through this. Boys can be so silly!
I just have to echo the advice though that you need someone that adores you and couldn't possibly imagine life without you - if you don't have that now then I can't see things getting much better. You don't want to settle. And he seems so wishy washy that I just think you should get out.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Update....
#194263 - 07/11/05 01:32 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
Well he called me back and we started talking and I told him that he needs to tell me what he wants. If he wants to work on this and push through it and try to figure out what the underlying issue is then I'm there. If he doesn't want to be with me then I told him he has to let me go.
He said his feelings have changed. He said there's nobody else he wants to be with but he's not sure he's ready to say that this is it for him. He said that he's also not ready to break up with me because he's worried he'll regret it later.
I told him if we break up now then I'm moving on and that's it. I can't go everyday wondering if there might be hope.
He said he's not sure what he wants right now....he was bawling his eyes out over the phone. I told him to call me when he figures it out but that I'm not promising I'll be waiting with open arms. He said he hates to leave me in limbo because he knows it's not fair....he said he'll call me soon.
I feel sick.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Hugs
#194267 - 07/11/05 01:36 PM
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
But I'm glad you finally got it out in the open. I take it you guys live together? If so, do you have a friend or relative you could spen a few days with so he has time alone to see what its like without you there? Hang in there, I know its hard now but its best to get these things hashed out now. Lots of love and hugs!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Hugs
#194271 - 07/11/05 01:49 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
Thanks so much for your support. We actually don't live together....thank goodness!! This would be sooooo much harder if we lived together.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
What a sad conversation to have. I'm sure you were in tears too. 
Let time tell what will happen...
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh yes, been there, done that. You're so lucky you don't live with him!!!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
heartache is about the worst thing ever. I really, really hope it works out for you. But in any case, I think you are doing a brave thing, and really keeping a clear head about all this. You have to look out for yourself too, and I think you're doing that.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Urgh!!!!
#194280 - 07/11/05 02:25 PM
|
|
|
|
Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
|
|
|
MEN! They always want to have their cake, eat that, get YOUR cake and eat that too!
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} honey!
Follow up on that thought...make a personal deadline for him - whether it's 2 days, a week, a month or what - and if he hasn't made a decision by then, move on. Prepare yourself as much as you can...finding a possible place to live, etc so that if he's still being a jerk and won't commit to you, you can cut the cord rightaway and move on.
In my experience, when you know, you know...for both sides. You will find a person who wants to commit to you as much as you want to commit to him and it will be fab. You don't want to be tied to someone who's with you only in case he regrets not commiting to you!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh Kimm...I'm having total flash backs.... this is so sad and frustrating.
It is obvious that he has no interest in marriage, you can't even get him to commit that you will still be dating. If marriage is a BIG thing to you... then you HAVE to end it sweetie.
Twenty-four is really young for a guy. I met my ex when I was 20 and he was 17...we were together for 8 years (about year 7 he got the itch) and decided this was not what he wanted anymore.... I was crushed... but we went our separate ways and he was married to another lady within a year and had a daughter before Shane & I were even married (4 years).
People grow and change.....and not always together.... he and Shane are total opposites just as I am completely different from both my ex's wife AND Shane's ex-wife. Breaking up was the best thing for US.....
Best of luck to you sweetie.... TRUST YOUR HEART! {{hugs}}
--------------------
www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm sorry about all of this. I'm sure that it will end up for the best, whatever happens. It's too bad you have no idea what that is right now.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
well I got home from work today and he called me as soon as I walked in the door and he said that he was sure that he wanted to be with me.
He said that he just thinks he's experiencing a 20something crisis right now and the thought of "the rest of his life" just really freaks him out. He said he is 100% positive he wants to be with me and that he can see me in his future but he's not ready to set anything in stone yet. Which is fine with me....I never wanted to set anything in stone....I'm not ready for marriage either!!! It is just important to me that he can at least see us together in the future.
I'm still a little unsure about the whole thing. I feel like I shouldn't let myself trust him just yet.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Seriously, it's bringing flashbacks to me and my husband when we were dating (not sure if you read my post farther down)....I truly do think men in general have a harder time imagining their future with any kind of committment for some reason...it's more confining to them, whereas to women it's comforting.
But, like you said, you're having a hard time trusting. I think you just need to make it clear that the emotional roller coaster needs to stop, for both of your sakes. Only you can know if it's worth the risk, but don't forget---nothing risked, nothing gained. Good luck dear.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
and it totally sucks! I dated (my now husband)9 years before we married. At age 20 and he was 21, he pulled the same crap on me. We were looking at moving out and getting an apartment (yes, living in sin)and he all of the sudden tells me, he's just not sure how he feels about me anymore. Now mind you we dated 6 years and he's telling me this. I WAS DEVISTATED> Now, as far as the signs...I kind got them from him but I ignored them. I was going through major anxiety issues, hormonal issues and stuff and it majorly scared him away. He told me that he was my only best friend and that I should break away from him and have other friends and blah blah blah. I was sick for weeks until I finally came to the realization that I needed to move on and I did. I started dating an old childhood neighbor and the minute he found out, he was back a knocking at my door. He I guess realized he did love me and needed some space to sew his wild oats I guess. He was free from me for maybe 3 months. Did what he wanted, didn't have to listen to anyone nag him and he finally realized it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I seriously know it helped me in the end. I became more independent and understanding of his time with his friends. I had made a bunch of new and old friends during that time off and I became a much better person in the end.
I'm not sure if that's what you guys need at this point. I don't blame you for not totally trusting him. It could be that he is really afraid that you will do as you say and move on and he will regret it. It sounds to me that he does love you and doesn't want to lose you. In my situtation I think my hubby never in a million years would have thought I'd move on and when I did, that's what brought him back. I feel for you so much. More than you can imagine. I don't want to sound like an ol folk but it's all about growing up. It seems as everyone goes through this traumatizing thing once in a lifetime. You will get through it, trust me. I'm living proof. We are now married 14 years and dated 9 so technically it's 23 years we've been together and I'm only 38! Sorry for the cliche' but if it is meant to be then you two will get past this hump and end up together in the end.
Good luck with the next few weeks. It's gonna be a ride!!! Take care!!! BIG<BIG<HUGE HUGS
--------------------
~~~Lisa~~~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I appreciate all of your advice and support more than I can say. You've all given me different perspectives on the situation and I thank you so much for this.
He called me AGAIN about an hour ago to say that he was thinking about me. Maybe the fact that I told him I was going to move on hit home with him.
We're going to get together wednesday to talk some more and he suggested going for "ice cream" (sorbet) ....I'll let you guys know if anything else develops.
*HUGS TO ALL* thanks again.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
but wanted to give my support anyhow. I hope you both work this out and that he realizes what he has before he loses you. Men!
--------------------
~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
They always want to have their cake, eat that, get YOUR cake and eat that too!
OK, sorry but this totally cracked me up - never seen a truer statement LMAO
As for everything else Kim! I have been there - DH and I dated for 9 months when he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore and busted up with me at Christmas no less. I was completely devasted, but I did move on. Atleast 10 months later we got back together and have been going strong ever since.
My aunt always says "If you love something, let it go - If it comes back it's yours forever. If it doesn't return it was never yours in the first place." Just a little quote for you to chew on LOL
Good luck in your decision honey! This is so tough - but by the sounds of it alot of us have been there and have lived to tell about it. We are all here for you!!
--------------------
Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Sorry. I don't really have anything to contribute because only you can make the decision that's right for you but I wish you strength in making the right one for you and hope it turns out the way you want it to. Thinking of you ((((hugs)))))
--------------------
Amy
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
OK, I have to say that women are just as bad when it comes to what they want and don't want. I'm not talking about my girl (she's amazing) or any of the great gals on the boards but in general. I know plenty of my friends who are good guys who have gone through the same stuff. Sorry, I just could not take anymore of "oh men" statements.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Yeah, I support you Tommy. Like I said further down the thread, every guy is an individual, and you can't predict what they'll do based on gender. Or well, I guess you could, but it might end badly when they don't do what you think they'll do... anyway. 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Totally agree with Tommy - I apologize if I offended you - I seriously understand your statement - there are just as many women out there who want to have just have fun!!!
--------------------
Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Don't worry, I am not offended. It takes a great deal more than that to make me angry! I just had to say something though considering I am like one of the fews guys on these boards!
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
UPDATE #2
#194547 - 07/12/05 09:45 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
Well he called me first thing this morning when he woke up just to say good morning and chat for a minute.
I don't really know what to think. He says he loves me and hasn't fallen out of love with me. He thinks we're compatible (sp?) and that we make an awesome match. BUT his feelings have changed a little. He says that looking towards the future at marriage and kids scares him to death. He says he can go days without seeing me and he doesn't really miss me that much. What does that mean???
I'm trying to understand it from his perspective. He just graduated from college in May and has just started his first "career" type job so maybe looking toward the future at anything (not just marriage and kids) is scary for him right now.
I do know that I can't be with someone that I'm madly in love with if he's not madly in love with me. I don't want to be with someone just because we're "compatible and make a good match" .... there needs to be passion there or else I don't want it. Is that asking too much?
Anyway.....sorry for another ramble....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh ya, women can be just as messed up. I have plenty of friends (one of them Tommy knows all abouat) who are VERY messed up. It's the person, not the gender. I think.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Yeah, umm... Kimm, you should find a guy that doesn't say things like he can go days without seeing you and be fine. That's a horrible thing to say.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
Well he called me first thing this morning when he woke up just to say good morning and chat for a minute.
I don't really know what to think. He says he loves me and hasn't fallen out of love with me. He thinks we're compatible (sp?) and that we make an awesome match. BUT his feelings have changed a little. He says that looking towards the future at marriage and kids scares him to death. He says he can go days without seeing me and he doesn't really miss me that much. What does that mean??? Means he is not madly in love with you!
I'm trying to understand it from his perspective. He just graduated from college in May and has just started his first "career" type job so maybe looking toward the future at anything (not just marriage and kids) is scary for him right now. Maybe he is afraid that marriage/girlfriend/kids will take away from HIS goals, career.... that happens A LOT.... by any chance does he listen to Tom Lycos on the radio?? (find out, and let me know)
I do know that I can't be with someone that I'm madly in love with if he's not madly in love with me. I don't want to be with someone just because we're "compatible and make a good match" .... there needs to be passion there or else I don't want it. Is that asking too much? NO!!
Anyway.....sorry for another ramble.... Anytime!!
--------------------
www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Hmm...
#194561 - 07/12/05 10:01 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry to just be joining in the conversation, I just didn't know what to add from what everyone else said!
I feel really bad for you, because it sucks when you are madly in love with someone and they don't feel the exact same way. That happened to me - I dated a guy in high school, and then through the first 1.5 years of college...I know I was young, but I was IN LOVE. Convinced he was the one.
Long story short - we broke up eventually, and it was REALLY hard at first. I thought that was it, and I'd never love like that again....
BOY was I W-R-O-N-G!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I had never left that guy, I would have never married Justin, and let me tell ya - I KONW I am much happier than I ever would have been, because Justin is so madly in love with ME! He could leave to go to the store real quick and he'll call me on the way and say he misses me. I could spend every waking (and sleeping) minute with him and never be bored, and I love that he feels the same way. We are best friends, and it's such an amazing feeling! He leaves me post-it notes in hidden places reminding me how lucky he feels, how beautiful I am, etc.....For your bf to say that he wouldn't miss you after a couple days just breaks my heart!! If I even THINK about Justin leaving for a day I'm already missing him in my thoughts!
Bottom line - I NEVER felt this loved with my other bf...I knew he loved me and didn't want to break up, but I also knew that he wasn't as IN LOVE with me as I was with him. Guess waht?? He's still a bachelor, no gf, and sharing an apartment with this nasty guy that is drunk almost every night. And look at me now! I'm at the happiest point in my LIFE with this baby on the way and the most incredible man in the world wrapped around my finger 
And of course I'm wrapped right around his!
Don't know if this helped...but I just think you really deserve to be truly HAPPY, and maybe a break would be just what you need right now. You really want to feel that 'true love'....NO DOUBTS!
--------------------
~Cara~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Kimm
#194566 - 07/12/05 10:09 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
Maybe you've become more of a buddy then a girlfriend? That can happen.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Am I Crazy??
#194570 - 07/12/05 10:19 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
Thanks for the great advice. I agree with everything you're saying but for some reason there's still a part of me that's saying maybe this is just a tough time. Maybe if we stick this through then we'll come through it even stronger and more in love than ever.
The reason I say this is because we spent 2 1/2 years together before and then broke up (because I was confused about my feelings) and spent over a year apart. The entire year we were apart we spent the entire time thinking about each other. We both dated other people but always ended up wanting to be with each other. We finally got back together last summer and things have been amazing up until about a month ago when things started to change with him.
Up until a month ago we were both madly in love....the happiest couple ever. I just can't help thinking maybe this is a hard time we need to overcome together. I feel like maybe I shouldn't walk away when the going gets tough....you know?
Am I being delusional or do I have a point?
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Well, only you know your heart. If you're not ready to give up on him yet, then you're not. No matter what anyone else (or the logical parts of you) say. If sticking with it is what you want to do, than go for it.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Boy, what a tough situation. On the one hand, I understand what you are saying, maybe he is just stressed over the new career and can't really make plans for the future. But than again, it concerns me that he says he can go days without seeing you and not even miss you. If Will had said that to me, it would have really hurt.
I don't think anyone can tell you the right answer, listen to your heart. You're still pretty young so take your time and think about it but be mindful of his actions once all this hoopla dies down. Hugs
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Do you choose to be committed to him? Do you believe he is worthy of that? Do you believe the relationship is worthy of that? Do you believe he would stick with you if the situation were reversed?
That's what love is. Choosing to commit and be there no matter what. But it DOES have to go both ways!
This is so hard and no one else can tell you what to do, but we're here for ya.
--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
...commitment is great if it goes both ways. Si and I have had some really tough times, but we stuck together and are glad that we did. However, we also have the totally-crazy-about-each-other thing like Cara described.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Yeah, I agree about the commitment thing too, this is what I tried to tell my sister. My husband's not perfect, and neither am I. There are times when we can't stand each other. But we decided to be together forever, and we're stubborn enough to tough it out. It helps though, that we have life goals we've built together- we plan on having children soon, we own a house, we have four pets together. I don't know if we act all crazy in love (I don't get hidden post it love notes, that's for sure) but we hate being in different cities or separated for any long period of time...
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You love him! I know it's VERY hard.
I don't want to tell you what to do, you need to know in your heart. Of course you shouldn't walk away when the going gets tough - but this 'tough' part is differnet than say - one of you getting really sick or injured or something...this tough time is more about who you are, and who he is, and where you both want to end up....and it just seems like you are taking it more seriously!
It sounds like the second you mention leaving, he calls all the time and doesn't want to break up...he's not letting YOU do what you want...he wants to be in charge of who does what.
He sounds like a really good guy, that is just confused right now. What he's confused about is what frustrates me, because it sounds like it's something you would NEVER be confused about! It sounds like you really want him, and only him, for the long haul...but he just doesn't know about the future. I just don't see that as a good sign after that long of a relationship.
I feel like when you KNOW it's the one, there's no confusion. I would have married Justin a month after I met him because I was so sure, and so was he. I don't think you should have to wait for him to say, 'OK, NOW I'm ready to get married, be completely committed, etc' - because WHO KNOWS when that will be - and what if he never wants to be married, you never know....will you hate yourself for not trying to meet other people?
The other thing you really don't want to do is what one of my friends did...she gave her bf an ultimatum. She really wanted to be married and felt she was getting older, etc...so she told him that if he didn't propose by Dec.31st, she was out of there. Well, he proposed Dec. 31st...they were married in June, and divorced in September.... not that you would do that, I'm just saying -he needs to figure this out. It's just that to me, there should be nothing to figure out. He should already know.
Anyways, I hope I'm not sounding harsh or anything, I don't by any means mean to put him down or tell you what to do. I obviously don't know the whole story, and don't know him, etc. I just really really really suggest that if you have ANY feeling of doubt in your heart, break it off now and at least give yourself a few months to really think about the relationship.
--------------------
~Cara~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I just hate that this is happening to you. In the end only you know what is best for you. Go with your gut instinct. From what I have read, your gut is telling you that things aren't right between the two of you which I have to agree with. Although he is just being honest, he has said some pretty hurtful things. Love doesn't hurt. I think that even if you take a break and things are truly meant to be, you will get back together again. You know, the third time is suppose to be the charm! Good luck, I'm hoping that things turn out okay.
--------------------
***********************
IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You're definitely not crazy...love makes us do things that would otherwise be considered illogical. Logic and emotions don't work together well!
For me, I know my husband had his doubts before we were engaged. To be honest, I don't even think HE could tell you why at this point. Every time we talked I went through this scene with him. Do you love me? Yes. Are you still attracted to me? Yes. Do you want to date other women? No. Is there someone else? No. Then what? I don't know.
It was SOO frustating, because I was SO sure of how I felt. At that time, I felt like I had to have confidence and faith enough for both of us. For some reason, I just believed that it would work out. Looking back now, I can only think part of it was he was recently out of college, working Full time for the first time in his life (he REALLY had it easy growing up), at a job that was awful and boring, and just going through some kind of personal crisis that led him to question things. I guess I'm glad he did, because once it was over, I felt totally secure.
So that's just one angle. But of course, my husband and you're guy aren't clones, so that doesn't mean the same thing would happen. I'm sure there are stories for both sides out there. You don't want to be hurt again, but you don't want to give up on something you believe in either.
I'm sure that didn't help any! I just know how you're feeling. I know it sucks. Do what you feel is right. No regrets.
Ginger
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
"To be honest, I don't even think HE could tell you why at this point. Every time we talked I went through this scene with him. Do you love me? Yes. Are you still attracted to me? Yes. Do you want to date other women? No. Is there someone else? No. Then what? I don't know."
Ginger --
Do you work for the CIA? Please stop listening in on my phone calls and reading my emails. How rude! This is EXACTLY the dance bf and I are doing right now, and I am miserable!
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Oh, no!!
#194635 - 07/12/05 12:49 PM
|
|
|
|
epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
|
|
|
So sorry Amanda!! Isn't it miserable???? Even though I'm over it, and happy and all that jazz, and don't hold it against him (anymore), I can think back and distinctly remember and even still feel the pain. I hate talking on the phone regardless, and talking on the phone about THAT STUFF, while staring at my ugly apartment wall with cheap lame posters is just way worse. Then hanging up after crying and eating a burrito with 1,000 calories. No wonder I gained weight in grad school.
I guess I'm proof that this kind of trouble in a relationship CAN be overcome. I wish I could give you some good advice. All I could do back then was hang on.
Hugs for you,
Ginger
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks for your words. Yeah, the phone thing is paricularly hard when he's in London and I'm in NYC. 5 hour time difference means one of us is usually at work and the other one either just woke up or needs to go to bed. We keep talking and we just don't know what to do. He takes full responsibility for everything, admits he's being unreasonable, but offers no solution. I don't want to go into any more detail and hijack Kimm's thread, so I'll end here. My situation is so similar to hers anyway that I'm just going to take all the replies to her as if they were to me.
My man is special and I love him dearly, and I know he loves me. I just need us to have some sort of plan if we're going to continue doing the long-distance thing. It's been two years like this, and I need to figure out what I'm doing after I graduate from law school. I tell him what I need him to say, and he says, "It's not going to work like that -- you can't just put words in my mouth and have me repeat them -- our relationship isn't going to evolve that way." Uh, why not? Anyway, I've called him out and said that maybe he's trying to back away slowly, like he wants to break up, and he says no. So I don't know. Boys are cryptic. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm a relatively good-looking girl, sucessful, funny, etc, and I get hit on constantly when I go out. It's not like I don't have other (more convenient) options. But I just want him. Likewise for him -- He's cute and has a great job (finance), is a really well-rounded person (pianist, volunteers), and we share the same faith, which is hugely important to me. I know that he could have another girl easily. But we are both so incredibly weird in similar ways, I don't know if there could ever be other people for us. You know? Bah. Boys are annoying.
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
My husband and I spoke on the phone for 4 hours before our 1st date...which lasted 13 hours! We knew that night we would wed. We even wished it on coins at the Copley Mall!  (And only told each other during our 1st year of marriage)...
BUT...
When hubby found out I had learning disabilities he became concerned. Would I be able to work (I had been fired several months earlier because I couldn't do data processing...)? Would his income be enough for both of us? And what about the abuse I'd endured? What would intimacy be like?
Well...he decided to marry me anyway. And his worst nightmeres came true! I can't work cause I'm a mess emotionally and the abuse is def. in the way of intimacy! We have next to no money. BUT he still loves me and says he wouldn't want to be married to anyone else! 
THAT is what I want for YOU KIMM! *hugs* Every woman deserves that kind of love and treatment. He might not buy me presents or anything...but he LOVES me and doesn't plan to leave (still hard for me to believe)...and he well could! Many folks would have left a situation this tough.
If you feel that your BF would treat you this well (saying he wouldnt miss you after a few days really irks me...hubby and I miss each other while he's at work for a few hours!)...then I say stand by your man  If you have any doubts...I say walk away.
I just don't want to see such a wonderful person hurting...or getting less than she deserves!!! But as everyone has said...the decision must be yours...you know what is in your heart. But please careful with my friend Kimm...and look at for her 1st!
Love ya! *hugs*
Ruch
--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
epa_ginger
#194710 - 07/12/05 01:50 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
That is EXACTLY what I'm going through. He's just out of college and has just started his first "career" type job. He has all the same answers your husband had. He loves me, he's attracted to me, he doesn't want to see anyone else, etc.
When he said that he doesn't miss me as much when we're apart he really didn't mean for it to sound as bad as it does. He was just trying to tell me honestly how he was feeling. He's been living 45 minutes from me for the past 9 months (just moved home last week) and I think the not missing thing is just that we've both gotten so used to not seeing each other for a week or two at a time that it's normal now....it's not that we love each other any less. Does that make sense?
When I ask him why he's feeling like this he has no idea. He was crying his eyes out to me yesterday telling me he wished he didn't feel so confused and he he wished he knew where it was all coming from.
I'm getting the gut feeling that it might have a lot to do with him finishing college and starting his career and maybe he's just at a point in his life right now where everything is scary and confusing. I went through the same thing when I graduated from University.
My heart is telling me to give it a little time. I can't throw away 6 years with him just like that. Who knows....maybe 2 months from now I'll be back here telling everyone how amazing things are and I'll be so happy we stuck out the hard times.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
"To be honest, I don't even think HE could tell you why at this point. Every time we talked I went through this scene with him. Do you love me? Yes. Are you still attracted to me? Yes. Do you want to date other women? No. Is there someone else? No. Then what? I don't know."
Ginger --
Do you work for the CIA? Please stop listening in on my phone calls and reading my emails. How rude! This is EXACTLY the dance bf and I are doing right now, and I am miserable!
Wow.. I'm going through the exact same thing and didn't realize there were so many people going or have gone through the same thing.
Sorry you guys have to go through this too, Kimm and Amanda. And thanks to everyone who replied to this thread - now only if I could get some common sense knocked into me to follow some of this great advice.
--------------------
- Jennifer
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Yep...
#194736 - 07/12/05 02:15 PM
|
|
|
|
|
epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
|
|
|
sounds like the same thing. For whatever reason, maybe your guy, and mine, just had a hard time with this period in life where they essentially have to grow up. For me, I was excited and ready and looking forward to adult life. But I think my husband was afraid. It's like they don't see how to make the transition without getting rid of EVERYTHING, you know? If you can get past this point with him, really GROW through this, you'll be stronger in the end. Part of what makes my relationship so solid is that we've grown together so much (been dating since 18 years old, now 28), and we've teetered back and forth a bit, but we always balance out.
And it makes sense to me what you say about getting used to being apart. Last year, my husband was out of town for work a lot, so much in fact that he was gone for about 2 months. At first I hated it, and was pretty sad. Then I got used to it, and when he would come home, I'd be like....get out of my way!! I mean, I had adjusted to being on my own---I HAD to, you know? I couldn't just be miserable every day, I had to keep trucking without him, and so when he did finally come home, I felt like I had to adjust to him being there. It was hard for both of us. Now he rarely goes for more than a week, and when he's gone, I "miss" him and I'm glad to have him back, but I'm ok too.
I think if your heart is telling you to give it more time, that's what you should do. No one ever got anywhere in love by listening their brains---at least I didn't! It makes me sound like some kind of hopeless romantic, and I'm really not. I just think that a lot of solid relationships go through their rocky periods, where one person is kind of keeping it together for both. I don't think it makes either of you a weaker person, just human.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
It's like they don't see how to make the transition without getting rid of EVERYTHING, you know?
That's part of our problem too. BF is over committed and super busy, and knows that his current routine would not make him a good husband. He refuses to be as busy when he's married as he is now. The only problem is he can't figure out what to give up. I told him he's got to find one thing less important to him than I am, and give that up. If he can't, we don't belong together. He didn't really like the sound of that and said he knows he's an ahole and needs to figure his stuff out. He lost me like that once before, and doesn't want to do it again. I told him no second chance this time. We'll see what happens.
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
sounds like you're handling this the right way...I mean, everyone deserves a break, but not to the point of enabling "a-hole" behavior. I hope he makes the right choice. Don't you just want to shake him, slap him and say: Don't you realize I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?!?!
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
My mom and dad have been happily married 25 years.. but she gave me some advice..
My mom said that marriage is hard enough as it is, and marrying someone that does not adore you is only a recipe for disaster. She said that as years pass when you'r emarried, you need all that extra love you had for one another in the beginning to get your through the hard times.
my mom thinks that if a guy does not adore you, and would drop anything for you just to be with you, I honestly think he'll be wishy washy for life. (I know that there are rare cases).. but I think that when you've found THE ONE there is no need to question anything, you just know, and really you'd drop anything for that person(at least at first.. haha my mom says that that fades, but I agree that if you have that at first, you can probably make it through the long haul a heck of alot easier)
I honestly am not married or close to it, so I don' tknow if its true.. but I know my mom's very smart, and I know my parents still make out in the kitchen to this very day.
good luck with everything..
some advice I could give you.. is you dont' want to keep waiting around and giving second chances until you end up older than you'd like to be when you get married and start your family
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
My Mom and Dad have been married for 33 years and they both still adore one another. My Dad is not perfect but he goes above and beyond for my mom. For every holiday and anniversary he lavishes her with gifts and flowers and love. That is the way it has always been and theyhave gone through some tough times but their love for one another has never wavered through it.
On a happier note, I can say that I never catch them making out in the kitchen when I am visiting!
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
UPDATE #3
#194859 - 07/12/05 06:30 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
LOL Sorry for all the constant updates....you guys can just tell me to shut up if you're sick of hearing about this.
He called me 3 times this evening (i missed 2 of the calls) and said he was thinking about me a lot and that he was really looking forward to seeing me tomorrow and that he missed me. I'm wondering why such a huge change.
Maybe he realized that he could lose me and he doesn't want to.
He's always been such an amazing boyfriend....and I really mean AMAZING. He has always been someone who would do anything for me and treated me like I was the centre of his universe. He's stood up for me with his friends and even stood for me with his parents.
I guess that's why it shocked me so much that he's been acting so hot and cold lately.
I was telling my grandmother some of the advice that I was given from you guys and the one that she said was so true was that sometimes one person will have to carry the both of you for a few miles....and then later on....he'll have to carry the both of us. It happens this way she said....
All I know is that I love him and he loves me and I am trying to understand that maybe he's just super confused right now and I'm going to give it a chance. If I don't see things improve then I will move on....but I'm not willing to turn my back on such a history and an amazing man who could just be going through a "20something crisis" right now.
I'll update again tomorrow after we talk and let you guys know how it goes.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm really hoping it works out for you guys. It sounds like a good thing worth holding on to. It sounds like he sincerely is trying to keep things together and wants stay with you...that has to mean something, right? If faced with the prospect of you leaving, he said "Fine", THEN you'd have to really worry. You're a good person to try and make it work and give him the understanding he needs.
Ginger
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Posts
