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sounds pretty bad. (this is all my opinion... grain of salt!)It sounds to me like he's very invested in holding power over you. He's running hot and cold on you as a way to keep the upper hand in the relationship, keep you on your toes. I'm not sure why he would do this, but what a drag. You shouldn't have to play power games with your SO.
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It is starting to sound like he want's the best of both worlds- freedom and an awesome girlfriend. I mimic what others have said- it doesn't sound like it's going to work out long term. If he really had you and your feelings first, he would talk to you tonight, not tomorrow.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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I sort of went through this with my husband....we met when we were 15 and 16, (I was older), he asked me out constantly and I said "no, you dork" (he was my best friend's brother), and then once he was a freshman in college we started dating. We'd had such a history already that it feels like we started dating long before that. For me, that was "it" already. I knew he was the one and didn't want anyone else. I never had doubts.
After we dated for about 3 years, he started having doubts. he couldn't say he definitely wanted to be with me. He didn't necessarily want to date other girls either. I felt like I was in limbo. He said it was because we had been together so long, he never dated around. (oh, poor him!  ).
We took a "break", it lasted a week. A year later, he brought it up again. It was like a knife to my heart. he couldn't even give me any reasons. There was nothing with me, it was all him. (The usual story).
It was my 2nd year of grad school and we were on another break, and we talked and I saw him a few times, but I mostly just dived into school and my life there, which was a lifesaver. Later that year he was ready to end the break he said: "We don't have to be on a break anymore", like...he was ending my punishment. I said thanks but YES WE DO! I told him I was never again going to go through that kind of pain from him. So it lasted a while longer, till I felt sure of him. After that.....everything has been perfect. That was about...6 years ago.
So...I think you're right to talk about it. I learned from experience that ignoring it (either you, or him) doesn't do any good because it always comes back. I really feel for you, because I know how awful it is to be SO sure, and have the other person still wondering. My heart goes out to you...
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Hrmph! Men!!
#194241 - 07/11/05 12:54 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi Kimm,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds just awful! I can't understand why men do things like this, I could make guesses but then I might be way off the mark 'cause they are so damn complicated and confusing.. Although they THINK they aren't, which makes things even worse!!
I am wondering, has he ever been in any other long term relationship before, other than the one he is in with you? I am just thinking that maybe he has gotten into that mindset of "If I marry her, I'll have only really been with ONE PERSON!" which can freak people right out. I know that I have only ever been in this deep with Adrian, and it does sort of play up in the back of my mind that if we stay together, that's it. I'll never experience this or that... I mean, I put the rest of it in perspective and it goes away but maybe it bothers other people a lot more than it bothers me.
If I had to put money on it, it sounds to me like a total commitment thing. I have had best guy friends for ages, and it sounds really typical of wanting to be with someone NOW but not wanting to have to promise to be there always. Then the promising that he DOES want to be there always? I think that's probably just him realising that if he doesn't, he might lose you. Then something will happen and he'll think maybe he should be more weary of planning for forever.
Either way, it's not okay. It is selfish and cruel to put you through that, and the way you said he is reacting says he doesn't seem to realise that.
I definitely agree with the other girls about just being really honest and straight forward with him. I think in every relationship there comes a time for, "Okay, out of this relationship I want this, and that, and this.. and if you don't want those things, and I mean want those things every day, not every OTHER day or every so often then we really need to think about where this is going".
My counsellor that I love was talking about relationships and she specialises in harmonious divorce and stuff like that and she said that the leading 2 causes of a realtionship breaking down are Assumptions and Unspoken Expectations. I think you have to lay everything on the table and see where the cards fall.
I am so sorry again, I know this must just be so heartbreaking and emotionally draining. We'll be here for you, and eMail me any time!
**big hugs**
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I don't have much other advice different from what you've already gotten but I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are being put through this. Boys can be so silly!
I just have to echo the advice though that you need someone that adores you and couldn't possibly imagine life without you - if you don't have that now then I can't see things getting much better. You don't want to settle. And he seems so wishy washy that I just think you should get out.
Good luck and keep us posted!
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Update....
#194263 - 07/11/05 01:32 PM
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Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Well he called me back and we started talking and I told him that he needs to tell me what he wants. If he wants to work on this and push through it and try to figure out what the underlying issue is then I'm there. If he doesn't want to be with me then I told him he has to let me go.
He said his feelings have changed. He said there's nobody else he wants to be with but he's not sure he's ready to say that this is it for him. He said that he's also not ready to break up with me because he's worried he'll regret it later.
I told him if we break up now then I'm moving on and that's it. I can't go everyday wondering if there might be hope.
He said he's not sure what he wants right now....he was bawling his eyes out over the phone. I told him to call me when he figures it out but that I'm not promising I'll be waiting with open arms. He said he hates to leave me in limbo because he knows it's not fair....he said he'll call me soon.
I feel sick.
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Re: Hugs
#194267 - 07/11/05 01:36 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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But I'm glad you finally got it out in the open. I take it you guys live together? If so, do you have a friend or relative you could spen a few days with so he has time alone to see what its like without you there? Hang in there, I know its hard now but its best to get these things hashed out now. Lots of love and hugs!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: Hugs
#194271 - 07/11/05 01:49 PM
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Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Thanks so much for your support. We actually don't live together....thank goodness!! This would be sooooo much harder if we lived together.
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What a sad conversation to have. I'm sure you were in tears too. 
Let time tell what will happen...
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Oh yes, been there, done that. You're so lucky you don't live with him!!!
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