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Please pray
      #184452 - 06/07/05 05:54 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

for me.

I can't leave home alone. Can't take proper care of things. I have no support from the community. I have no family. Just hubby and all of you. My Rabbi helped me write a letter to my parents and they are STILL denying what happened to me. (He lives in NY and we are in AZ...and he's a VERY busy man. He DOES make time for me whenever he can though).

I'm alone. SO alone.

Please pray for me. I'm scared. I'm flashbacking. I'm losing hope.

I try out a new therpaist with hubby June 20th. I'm scared...it will be hard for me trust a T after the ones that hurt me so much.

I don't know how to get through this.

Please pray for me. Please...

P.S. I am not suicidal...so no worries there please. I just hurt so much...too much...

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Re: Please pray new
      #184454 - 06/07/05 05:59 PM
LittleLisa

Reged: 06/22/04
Posts: 2018
Loc: USA

Oh Ruch! I WILL pray for you! I have no idea what you are going through but I know it must be tough but you are a STRONG person I know it and you know it and YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! Keep positive. We need you here!!!! I hope that you do well with the new therapist. I think it's great that hubby is supportive too! Give him big hugs too for being a great guy!!!

AND here's BIG< BIG> HUGS from me..............

--------------------
~~~Lisa~~~


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Re: Please pray new
      #184482 - 06/07/05 07:18 PM
atomic rose

Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)

I know I've been quiet over here... but please know that you're in my thoughts and my prayers are with you ALWAYS, sweetie. I can never really walk in your shoes, but I understand your torment in bits and pieces. You're stronger than even you know you are, and as long as you have friends sending their prayers, you aren't truly alone.

*big hugs*

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Re: Please pray new
      #184483 - 06/07/05 07:20 PM
Dr. Spice Yamin

Reged: 04/15/04
Posts: 3286
Loc: Maryland

aww ruchie... everything sounds so tough for you right now. Hang in there hon!

--------------------


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Re: Please pray new
      #184493 - 06/07/05 08:20 PM
Computr821

Reged: 12/02/04
Posts: 445
Loc: University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA/ Baltimore, MD

Hang in there Ruchie! We're all pulling for ya. And I have something to send you; I'll do it when I get back to Baltimore (I'm in NJ right now).

Avidan

--------------------
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
--'Weird' Al Yankovic, "A Complicated Song"

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Ruchie sweetie! new
      #184497 - 06/07/05 09:20 PM
Nelly

Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC

If we were neighbors, I'd come over and give you one big hug!!! I know you're hurting. It's not your fault!! Hang on, sweetie. You're such a special lady. Try to get some sunlight and hold on!!

I'd love to send you a care package. Email me and we'll talk. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

~nelly~

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Re: Please pray new
      #184537 - 06/08/05 07:02 AM
Sara-Sage

Reged: 02/04/04
Posts: 5508


Ok, moving to a new place is very scary. This is normal sweetie. You are overwhelmed and feeling a bit freaked out.
Please try to calm yourself down and not worry too much.

We all love you. Your husband adores you. Just take things a day at a time and keep optimistic about the future.

Here's a big (((hug))) to my little sis who is so strong and brave.

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Re: Please pray new
      #184549 - 06/08/05 07:43 AM
Kimm

Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Hang in there!! You're not alone even though it feels like it....there are many people who care about you!! *HUGS*

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We're here, and praying for you! new
      #184575 - 06/08/05 08:16 AM
bamagirl

Reged: 04/02/04
Posts: 1407
Loc: Alabama

Hang in there! God is so much bigger than all of this!! Put it in His hands!

--------------------
God is Faithful!

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***hugs*** new
      #184589 - 06/08/05 08:37 AM
Stephie

Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada

Hi Ruchie,

You poor thing.
I wish I knew what to say to help you, but I'll just have to offer you some hugs and know that I am sending good thoughts your way.
What a terrible journey you are on right now, but it will be over one day!
**hug**
--Steph

--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.

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Ruchie new
      #184597 - 06/08/05 08:54 AM
BL

Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522


I am praying for you. You are a very strong person. I know everything you've been through is hard, but you can make it.
Thinking of you, BL

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Re: Please pray new
      #184647 - 06/08/05 10:15 AM
Tissy

Reged: 07/15/04
Posts: 773
Loc: Baltimore, MD

Ruchie as always honey I am praying for you. I hope you can start to heal soon and have some sunshine in your life. You deserve it!

If you need to vent my inbox is open and you have my number.

*HUGS*
Christie

--------------------
Christie
~Hoping and Praying for Sleep!~

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Re: Please pray new
      #184662 - 06/08/05 10:55 AM
michele

Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan

Oh Ruchie, I know its hard in a new place and with all you are dealing with but we all love you, your husband loves you and your dog loves you! Big big hugs!

--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....

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Re: Please pray new
      #184668 - 06/08/05 11:04 AM
daliatree

Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York

Dearest Ruchie
You are not alone...we are allll here. Is there anything you would like from NY that would cheer you up, I would be delighted to send you a present! I wish I could take away all your pain...
You'll get up again, you WILL.
Love, Dalia XX

--------------------
Feel the fear and do it anyway!


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Re: Please pray new
      #184703 - 06/08/05 12:13 PM
Kristine

Reged: 05/15/03
Posts: 229
Loc: Pittsburgh, PA

I'm praying for you, sweetie. Please take care.

You are in my thoughts.
Kristine

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Little Lisa!!!! new
      #184711 - 06/08/05 12:23 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Little Lisa, thank you! It is so painful dealing with my past. Thank you for praying for me and for saying "We need you here!!!!" Sometimes I don't feel like I have much worth...it really helped to hear that *hugs*

Sending you and your fam lots of love,
Ruch

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Casey, you have mail (again)! n-t new
      #184712 - 06/08/05 12:24 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA



--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Thanks Ashley! *hugs* new
      #184713 - 06/08/05 12:26 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

I've had so many people in my life ignore instead of acknowledge what I went through. Thank you for realizing how hard it is for me *hugs*

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Nelly and sunshine new
      #184714 - 06/08/05 12:27 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

I took your advice and I went on the patio and played with Shana for a bit today. It was FUN! I have felt so down and hopeless...I forgot what it felt like to smile. Thank you! Love ya lots!!!!

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Tina, big sis *hugs* new
      #184715 - 06/08/05 12:29 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

I'm trying. Just getting out of bed is hard. But I'm doing it...so I guess that's something

Thanks for being positive for me...even if it's hard for me to positive for myself.

Sending you yellow flowers and another visit with Tommy SOON!

Love ya!

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Kimm, thank you!!! new
      #184716 - 06/08/05 12:31 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Sometimes knowing I don't have a fam to turn to is unbearable. But I am beginning to see I have a very large and loving family...all of you here on the boards! Thanks Kimm...for showing me and remidning me that! And for reminding me...even though I can't hug ya in person, that you're here for me and I'm NOT alone!!!

*hugs*

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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bamagirl... new
      #184718 - 06/08/05 12:33 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

G-d allowed this to happen to me. I am having a VERY hard time with that right now. YES a PERSON did this to me....but it had to have been His will, or He wouldn't have allowed it to happen. It's hard to trust Him.....

I can't understand His ways. BUT I must give myself time to turn to Him again.

Thanks for caring and for the prayers *hugs*

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Stephie and Christie, you're part of my family! new
      #184720 - 06/08/05 12:36 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

You have both e-mailed me and made it clear how much you care. And even though I don't always write back...I am beginning to learn that you are part of my family!

In The Courage To Heal (a book for survivors of sexual abuse), they discuss that many of us do not have the support of our families. So we are encouraged to find a new family. A family of supportive people that love us. You are showing me I can have that *biggest huge hugs*

I love you gals!

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Re: Tina, big sis *hugs* new
      #184721 - 06/08/05 12:37 PM
Sara-Sage

Reged: 02/04/04
Posts: 5508


Yes, just gettign out of bed is a start sweetie!

I love the flower you have in your profile pic. it's so gorgeous!

Wishing you yellow flowers and happiness! I'll be seeing him next month so I'll just ahve to be patient.


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Re: Please pray new
      #184722 - 06/08/05 12:38 PM
ecmmbm

Reged: 02/23/03
Posts: 1622
Loc: North Carolina

You KNOW I'm praying for you and I hope you'll email anytime you ever want to, I'm not always here that faithfully but I do check email daily.

Love ya hon!!! This uphill road will level off and you will so much better and healthier for having walked it, I am certain of that!

--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)


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BL new
      #184724 - 06/08/05 12:39 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Give your beagles a BIG hug for me ok?

Thanks for opening your heart to me and for praying for me and thinking of me *hugs*

I don't think I'm strong. I have spent all of my life simply surviving and coping. A strong personw ould look for the best. I can;t do that right now. But I'm TRYING to be strong and positive. Having people be strong and positive for me helps though *hugs*



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Formerly known as Ruchie

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Michele!!! new
      #184727 - 06/08/05 12:42 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Thank you for being part of my family! And for e-mailing me a while back and offering to send me stuff. You're VERY special!

I'm praying for you that you and your husband should have a beautiful baby that is healthy and loves and respects you and that you should just be healthy and have only goodness in this world *hugs*

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Dalia, you have mail! new
      #184728 - 06/08/05 12:43 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Thank you for always being here for me. Thank you is not nearly enough....

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Thank you Kristine!!! new
      #184732 - 06/08/05 12:44 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Your prayers mean a lot to me *hugs* I hope you are doing well!!!! And please know they help a LOT

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Ruchie.... new
      #184750 - 06/08/05 01:10 PM
bamagirl

Reged: 04/02/04
Posts: 1407
Loc: Alabama

We live in a sin-filled world. Sin is why these things happened. They were not your sins. It was not your fault. HIS ways are always for OUR GOOD and HIS GLORY. Your life is a testimony to the strength and love JE has filled your heart with in spite of all that has happened. Your Hubby is His blessing in your life, and your posts here are a bright light of HIS love!!! Oh, Ruchie, you have trusted HIM or you would never be the wonderful, compassionate, loving person you are!!! That love is HIS sweetie! So much greater than us is just ooozes out to others! That's the kind of person you are when you reach out with your posts here on the board!

I am praying so hard for you! HE can be trusted! He's working in your life! Your kindness and love are testimony to that! He has special plans for you!! Know you are loved!!

--------------------
God is Faithful!

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Re: Please pray new
      #184767 - 06/08/05 01:22 PM
Sheri01

Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey

awww Ruchie! It is horrible to 'see' you this way, I wish you lived closer, like on the east coast, so I could come over and cheer you up... you still amaze that even through your rough times you are still alive and kicking, you WILL get better sweetie! You are such a strong person, and you are only gonna get stronger.

have you done any paintings yet?

--------------------
-Sheri

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bamagirl, you are making me cry new
      #184771 - 06/08/05 01:29 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Well, my body wants to cry, I am holding it in so I can respond...

Thank you for your words. I believe that, yes, these people sinned and they will have to suffer for their actions. But that is not my concern...

See, G-d wouldn't have allowed it to happen if I didn't DESERVE it. He would have stopped it. Isn't that the truth? If something bad is supposed to happen, the person that does it IS RESPONSIBLE. And the person it HAPPENS TO is having their soul cleansed by their suffering. Isn't that correct?

So I MUST have done something or I wouldn't need my soul cleansed...

So hard to face...

I hope I'm not offending you?

*hugs*

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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NO - THIS IS NOT TRUE new
      #184777 - 06/08/05 01:35 PM
ecmmbm

Reged: 02/23/03
Posts: 1622
Loc: North Carolina

I don't mean to get into a theological discussion here but I do not at all believe this is true. You did nothing wrong. There is a story in the Bible about Jesus coming upon a man who had been blind from birth. The disciples asked who had sinned, he or his parents? They wanted to know the WHY. Jesus said neither... He was not concerned with explaining the "why" to them, our minds can never comprehend the why, we are not God... but He wanted to show them the HOW - what He could do with such things. He healed the man and changed his life. Look to the future, not the past. Look to how you can live your life from now on!

big big hugs....

--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)


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Ruchie new
      #184792 - 06/08/05 01:47 PM
Tissy

Reged: 07/15/04
Posts: 773
Loc: Baltimore, MD

Remember when I e-mailed you about how I struggled with the WHY? of my grandfather's death and was bitter at G-D for years over it. And then my pastor did a sermon on how sometimes G-D says Yes, sometimes NO, and sometimes wait to our prayers. And that we may never know the why of everything. Like why there is disease and world hunger, etc.

Well I believe that he hears your prayers for healing and that he will answer them soon. But maybe for a purpose beyond our understanding he is telling you to wait. And I believe that you are such an inspiration to others that have been abused and maybe you wouldn't be such an inspiration if you too hadn't felt the pain of abuse and didn't know exactly what they were going through. But whatever the WHY of your abuse it is not b/c you deserved it. You did nothing wrong!

You are a GOOD person!!

Christie

--------------------
Christie
~Hoping and Praying for Sleep!~

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Re: bamagirl, you are making me cry new
      #184800 - 06/08/05 01:54 PM
bamagirl

Reged: 04/02/04
Posts: 1407
Loc: Alabama

No offense taken. I don't believe that it is your soul that is cause for someone else to sin though. God uses situations good and bad for correction, but not always. I don't know all of the details of your situation, but understand enough to think a lot of this is from your childhood. I just can't see any of this being your fault!

I think God has drawn you to Himself...OUT OF this situation, and that is for HIS GLORY and YOUR GOOD! That is why I think you can just praise HIM for that and believe that He is busy in your life preparing you for something special that will only glorify Him even more! You are a bright and shining testimony of His love, His mercy, His grace because you love Him, you seek Him, your life just shines! No Ruchie, I don't think God is chastening you. He will chasten those others, but He is molding you into something extra special!! You are a gem!!

--------------------
God is Faithful!

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I just spoke to my Rabbi... new
      #184802 - 06/08/05 02:08 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

He said that it is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT my fault.

I wish I could believe it.

I want to believe that G-d loves me! That this is for the good.

I was abused ages 5-21...emotionally, sexually, and pysically (most emotional and sexual). Emotionally all the way to 26 (I am now 26).

My Rabbi said that my job is to embrace the way He created me, the cirumstances that He imposed upon me.

I said I can't. My Rabbi told me to TRY. I said I can do that. I feel like only VERY RIGHTEOUS people are on such a level to have such faith. Sometimes I feel G-d is testing me as a righteous person...I often wish He wouldn't...

Maybe you are right bamagirl? Maybe I am "special" in His eyes? BUT I will only be okay if I keep faith and if I PASS this test.

I need a LOT of support, that's for sure!

Christie...you are right. Maybe He is saying "wait". I am guessing He is saying "I want you close to ME...and you are not praying to Me...". I need to be abel to trust Him again!!!

Michelle, I'm not sure I understand the story you wrote of? Can you exaplin it furhter?

Thank you for being so open with me everyone! And for caring enough to write...

Love, Ruchie

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Re: I just spoke to my Rabbi... new
      #184804 - 06/08/05 02:17 PM
Yoda (formerly Hans)

Reged: 01/22/03
Posts: 3682
Loc: Canada

Not to disagree with your Rabbi. I agree you should accept the way God created you. You should also accept the circumstances dealt you in life. That does NOT mean that you have to blame yourself for what has happened. You can accept that God even allowed this to happened to you. But God loves you and will help you heal. He will be with you through this painful time and help you through it. And maybe there is a reason for it all. Maybe you will go on to become a sexual abuse counsellor for small children. You'd be amazing at it. You've already got the teaching background. Who knows? All I know is that there will be some good to come out of the bad. It's hard to see when you're hurting so much right now, but you will be a better person having gone through this. I don't know how. You won't know either till you go through it. Trust in God. Have faith in His love. His love is unfailing, unending, and all encompassing. He will not desert you in this time of need. Turn to Him. For love. For comfort. For strength. You WILL get through this.

Love you bunches,
Alicia.

--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.

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Christie..you just made me think... new
      #184806 - 06/08/05 02:21 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

The wolrd is a place of suffering...World Hunger, etc.

BUT

I think what I have forgotten is all the beauty.

My husband. My IBS family. My dog. Art. Nature. A person (she shall remain nameless), that e-mailed me and has given of herself and shared herself with me (a fellow victim), herbs and spices/cooking, there's much more...

It's not ALL bad!

Sometimes I forget that. When I am having flashbacks, when I'm too scared to leave the house. It all seems hopeless and like life isn't worth living. Sometimes I wish I'd never been created.

I feel like maybe something huge and heavy is being lifted off my back. Like there's been a storm for the past 26 years and now it is lifting. LONG storm huh?

Maybe if I can hold on to this...maybe I will smile for the 1st time in my life. The smile of someone that has suffered but is not in prison anymore.

I know I could be raped again. I KNOW. I know bad things can still happen.

But so can good things.

Maybe I will get a nature CD to remind me of our old house...crickets and hooty birds. Maybe hubby will surprise me with some flowers. Maybe not. But at least I can dream and HOPE...

I have HOPE!

Thank you (starting to cry again)

Ruchie

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Re: I just spoke to my Rabbi... new
      #184807 - 06/08/05 02:25 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

You're saying JUST what my Rabbi said Alicia *hugs*

I think that all the prayers and love on these boards is showing me more and more each day that I am loved, worth loving, worth being created, and that there IS good in the world. Maybe there wasn't much till I met hubby...but there is RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT!

Thank you Alicia for not giving up on me *hugs*

All the love that you have shown me should return to you times a zillion!!!!



--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Ruchie, you have my thoughts and prayers -nt- new
      #184830 - 06/08/05 03:27 PM
barbie

Reged: 04/22/04
Posts: 2435
Loc: Texas



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HUGS!!! new
      #184833 - 06/08/05 03:30 PM
heather7476

Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 2996
Loc: South East Michigan

Honey I wish I could wave a magic wand over you and make it all better! BIg Hugs!!!
I Love You!!!!!

--------------------
Heather7476


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Ruchie.. new
      #184840 - 06/08/05 04:28 PM
bamagirl

Reged: 04/02/04
Posts: 1407
Loc: Alabama

I'm glad you have your rabbi. Know that you are so loved by your Creator! Cling to Him! Call out to Him! You are gaining understanding...as in your other post....the storm is ending...HE is bringing you out for something special!!

I'm praying for you! If you ever need me...kimfurd@hotmail.com.

--------------------
God is Faithful!

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Ruchie! new
      #184846 - 06/08/05 04:49 PM

Unregistered




Wow I feel like I've missed out on what's going on around here lately!

I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time. You of all people deserve nothing but happiness. I really hope that this new therapist treats you like you deserve and isn't a jerk. Hang in there! You are a tough woman and just know that we ALL love you here and are cheering you on! Friends make great family.


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You asked me to explain further, I'll try new
      #184870 - 06/08/05 06:04 PM
ecmmbm

Reged: 02/23/03
Posts: 1622
Loc: North Carolina

My point was that maybe God does not want us to focus on "why" but on WHAT He can do with us now. I believe all things will be made clear in Heaven and some things He is gracious enough to make clear now. But I still question many things even from my own life and I do not believe I suffered anywhere near what you have, still the affects are there and I believe kept me "bound" and dead inside for a long time. I believe my process of growth and letting go had a lot to do with me being willing to let Him be God over all that I did not understand - just trust all that with Him and not feel the need to have all the answers, but to rest and enjoy His love and know that it is unconditional because He sees me as His precious child in Christ. There is nothing I can do to impress Him more and there is nothing I can do to take His love away. This may differ in our faiths but the Christian life is not supposed to be about performance, though SO MANY have made it about that. It is not how strong your faith is that makes the difference. I believe my turning point came when I realized how WEAK my faith was and how FRAGILE and UGLY inside I was and that EVEN THEN, in that place when all I felt was sorry for myself and alone despite all the blessings in my life, in THAT moment God spoke His love to me ... and I knew that it had never been about me earning His love or trying to make up for my shame. It had always been a gift and He was crazy about me because I was "in Christ" and old things had passed away, all things had become NEW.

Don't know if this makes since and sure it's more religion than many care to read about but I can't hold back, my life is changed and some days are still hard and dark inside and I feel like I can't stop crying even amidst all that's good and beautiful. But on those days, rather than will myself to overcome, I just let myself feel what I feel and fall to His feet asking for Him to live through me because I know I am helpless on my own. He is faithful!!

Take care my friend, I am praying for you!

--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)


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Re: Please pray new
      #184883 - 06/08/05 06:46 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Hi Ruchie,

Please feel better soon Hang in there and know we're thinking about you. Sorry that you're having such a rough time

Kelly

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Michelle...so eloquent new
      #184900 - 06/08/05 07:28 PM
poochibelly

Reged: 04/27/05
Posts: 1614


You said exactly what I was thinking! You are so eloquent and poetic.

Thank you for sharing!

--------------------
Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!


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Thank you for sharing this with us Michelle new
      #184902 - 06/08/05 07:32 PM
Augie

Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois

You know by my emails that I am really struggling with my relationship with God right now. I too question why He would let me suffer with such pain...so great at times that I pray for Him to take me home where He promises there will be no more pain.

His reasoning is difficult to understand. Thanks for sharing your beliefs with us. I need to hear this often in order to finally let go...I'm still not there.

--------------------
~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!

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Re: Please pray new
      #184914 - 06/08/05 07:52 PM
Wind

Reged: 04/02/05
Posts: 3178


My aunt always told me that sometimes when G-d closes a door, He opens a window. Sometimes when I have flashbacks, I think it's the window of time.

1. BREATHE!!! This is crucial. In fear we constrict. Please breathe as deeply as possible. Know that help will find you and that hope will lift you up. You will fly, you will float, you will swim. In pain and crisis, even in retrospect we are stunned. When we see the shadows of time and ouselves we dig holes and hide to stay safe. Just know that with help, assistance, love, creativity and sensitivity you will not be stalked by the past. Therapy will give you the metaphoric SWORD to deal with the daily demons, i.e. the flashbacks, the triggors, the nightmares, the unguarded moments, the things most people take for granted. I have faith in you, Ruchie. I will light a candle for you tonight.


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Re: Please pray new
      #184923 - 06/08/05 08:25 PM
Lana_Marie

Reged: 01/31/03
Posts: 1968
Loc: Saskatchewan. Canada

You are in my thoughts - I am thinking about you! You will be ok - I felt much the same as you before I started therapy, but my therapist gave me an emergency number to assist with any troubles I had before I was able to get into her. I know it's on June 20th and that doesn't sound like too far away - but sometimes two weeks can seem like a year. See if you can call your therapist or a help line to talk until then.

I mean, we are all here for you - but sometimes it is more beneficial to talk to a professional who can help you immediately.

Good luck hon! I will be thinking about you - feel free to email me anytime.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much I have been busy with work and my store - but I have been thinking about you and want you to know I am more than happy to reply to any emails you send me. I'm here for you.

And judging from alll your replies - you aren't alone!!!

Huge HUGS!!!!

--------------------
Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz



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Re: You asked me to explain further, I'll try new
      #184944 - 06/08/05 10:33 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

Michelle,

Thank you so much for explaining this to me! Our faiths might be different...but they have many similarities...

My Rabbi left me a message and said I should pray to G-d to help me. I could hear in my Rabbi's voice that he feels my pain and suffering...

YES exactly! I don't see the light. I'm very dark inside. Can He really love me in this darkness? Truly? I hope so! I wil pray to G-d that He should love me even though I don't love myself...

I'm scared it will happen again. This is my lot in life. Being abused was my lot in life. Maybe it still is? It makes me not want to leave the house...but I must say I am terrified even in my own (home?)...this new apartment. It is very scary as I begin to have flashbacks...ones where I feel things...

I want to be close to G-d desperately! My husband and I gave up all we could for him to learn in Yeshiva (seminary). I hope that He will hear me and comfort me and love me...I have no parents or in-laws. The only "parental" figure I can ever have will be G-d. Maybe that is how He wants it?

Thank you for praying for me. I blieve it is the prayers of everyone here that is keeping me alive.

Michelle...I truly love you!!! You're such a gift in my life *hugs* In ALL of our lives! May G-d bless you with only good things and may you and your family be HAPPY, HEALTHY, snd SAFE always!

Love Ruchie

P.S. Who is to say if what I went through is worse? Please don't say that....do not minimize your pain! *hugs*

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Kate new
      #184948 - 06/08/05 10:41 PM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

I don't know what to say. You have been such a source of light in my darkness. Reminding me to breathe...so crucial!

Thank you for having faith in me...when I do not have faith in myself.

I must go to bed now...but I sent you an e-mail. Please keep in touch, my kindred spirit!

--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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You have made my day! new
      #184970 - 06/09/05 05:49 AM
bamagirl

Reged: 04/02/04
Posts: 1407
Loc: Alabama

What a blessing and a testimony to the healing power of Christ's love! AMEN! Ruchie: Check out Psalms 103 and see what awesome forgiveness God provides no matter how dark our circumstance! Thanks for this wonderful testimony!!

--------------------
God is Faithful!

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Sweetheart! new
      #184972 - 06/09/05 06:08 AM
Linz

Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England

I'd be getting cross with you right now if it wan't for how I know it is so not your fault that your brain's a bit lost! God, or whatever you want to call him/her/it, will love you no matter what you do!!!!!! It is not a test. It is not your fault, You cannot fail. Even Catholics (who have such a guilt thing going on) believe that you can repent and God will forgive you no matter what you've done.

The Christian (and Jewish?) perspective is that God gave humans free will...and like all young, humans make mistakes. The people who abused you made big mistakes in taking such liberties with their free will and one day they will have to reconcile that with their conscious' in front of God (I believe that when you die, God gives even soulless people a conscious so they can know just what they've done and see it with no barriers). You did nothing wrong, you are not being punished, you were just damn unlucky.

God gave humans this free will and it's all a bit messed up, but he puts beauty and love into the lives of those who deserve it so that they can have some good in their life no matter what happens to them. You have a loving husband, you have a gorgeous dog, you have us lot, you have your poems and your painting and your singing. Try to hang on to the beauty in your life and see God in that. Everything he created is beautiful. He loves you and he's trying to show that.

Think about how little kids can sometimes push their parents away and scream "I hate you". Their parents still love them and will do no matter what they do, no matter how much they ignore the signs of their love. That's how I see God and humans...he made us, we are his children.

Oh hon, I hope you can find some peace.

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Augie new
      #184985 - 06/09/05 06:38 AM
poochibelly

Reged: 04/27/05
Posts: 1614


God wants you to totally rely on Him and when you conquer what ails you, give Him the glory. Trust me, I have been abused, nearly raped, suffered marital problems, infertility just to name a few.

Because of my faith in God and knowing that He will see me through even the darkest times, I am now at peace in my life. I remember the abuse but use my experiece to counsel others, I have forgiven the geek that would have raped me had I not had a roomate in the apt., my marriage has been restored and I have adopted two beautiful children.

I had to give God full control of my life and lay my burdens at His feet only to never take them back.

Was this healing in my life instant? No...it is all a process. Little by little...baby steps. Stay faithful Augie, you can do it.

I am nowhere near as eloquent as Michelle...but the peace in my heart is pure poetry and I do give God the glory because no human being could have brought me from my past to my present...it was only God.

Hugs to you,

--------------------
Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!


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Ruchie- new
      #184992 - 06/09/05 07:10 AM
khyricat

Reged: 08/05/04
Posts: 3612
Loc: Michigan

lots of hugs and strength if you can take it from me.. I wish I could give it.. at least your DH is being there for you... I am very impressed with him.. and wish I could offer more up close support..

*HUG*

--------------------
Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant


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Prayers for you Ruchie - and encouragement.... new
      #184998 - 06/09/05 07:23 AM
mindyj

Reged: 05/14/04
Posts: 494
Loc: Northern Virginia

Ruchie...
I've taken refuge in these verses many times!!! In fact, I have two of these passages taped on my office wall! I hope they will encourage you and remind you that you are LOVED, you are PROTECTED, you are CHERISHED! G-d delights in YOU Ruchie!!!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Jeremiah 29:11-14

The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot arrows and scattered the enemies , bolts of lightning and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at the rebuke of the LORD, at the blast of breath from his nostrils. "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. II Samuel 22:14-20

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my G-d turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my G-d I can scale a wall. As for G-d, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is G-d besides the LORD ? And who is the Rock except our G-d? It is G-d who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. Psalm 18:28-35

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:7-8

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my G-d, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91:1-16



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My dream...am I looking at it correctly? new
      #185013 - 06/09/05 07:47 AM
Snow for Sarala

Reged: 03/12/03
Posts: 5430
Loc: West Coast, USA

My Rabbi left a message on my answering machine that I should pray to G-d to help me accept my circumstances and to accept my lot in life (he did say over and over again that it was/is NOT my fault and that I didn't do ANYTHING to deserve it...still grappling with that though), and I've been learning Torah a lot to try to get through this. I had a dream last night after I prayed for the 1st time in a LONG time by the Book (Siddur)! I put a LOT of stock in my dreams. They have been so vivid all my life...I've even had dreams of people dying and they died WHILE I was dreaming (scary, I know!)

The dream: We were going to be attacked by terrorism (the world at large), and the world was going to end. I read it on a calendar. BUT then someone showed it to me again...and it said that WE were going to attack THEM (the terrorists) on that day. I had read it wrong! The significance for me is that in this world what happened to me was awful and horrible. But in the next world (we believe in a next world...kinda like heaven), we will learn of G-d's ways and I will see the good in what happened to me. I'm glad for the dream and I feel like G-d is with me--finally!

Is this a realistic interp. of the dream? What do you all think?


--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie

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Re: My dream...am I looking at it correctly? new
      #185018 - 06/09/05 07:52 AM
Linz

Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England

Maybe it's me saying so much that the world will not end if you make a little mistake (like kill your plants)!

Also, maybe it's b/c your subconscious is realising that often see bad in a situation that's not there but with other people's help you can see the good that's there too???

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Re: My dream...am I looking at it correctly? new
      #185290 - 06/09/05 06:06 PM
Wind

Reged: 04/02/05
Posts: 3178


I think the dream shows you reclaiming your power re: your life, especially your past. It shows you transforming your energy of fear and anxiety into a vehcile for positive transformation so that you may own your future and a more enlightened, reconciled view re: your past experiences. It is called hopefully what therapy will assist you with. You will take back control of your life, of the present and steer yourself with G-d to a WONDERFUL future, stronger because of the suffering you endured. Indeed, a very positive dream. Your supra-consciousness is trying to encourage your subconscious mind, to show you that you can be strong and that the power to change is in you. It's telling you/showing you that you can win.

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Re: Please pray new
      #185292 - 06/09/05 06:40 PM
Stephany

Reged: 06/07/05
Posts: 35


I'm so sorry, Ruchie. I've been so wrapped up in my own, ridiculous fears today that I didn't realize you were in so much pain. I'm not sure what happened to you, but I will keep you in my prayers. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that things get better for you soon.

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