How I spend my days these days...
#183991 - 06/06/05 01:07 PM
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Hi y'all,
So the AC works, the gas works, the sink in the kitchen that is connected to the dishwasher seems to have stopped leaking, roaches and millipedes living amongst us though (hoping the one of each we saw will be THE END of that problem!), the phone works, whew!
Hoping to book a therapy appointment sometime in the near future. Hubby will go with mefor the 1st two appointments and we will decide together by "interviewing" the guy if he is fit for the job...fired or hired!
Still missing the house. The garden. The crickets and the hooty birds. Playing soccer with Shana.
BUT
hubby and I discussed why I overeat and starve myself. I need to be loved. I never got that from my parents. Or from real time friends. Hubby is it...and all of you. When I want to love myself...the only way I know to do that is with sugar.  I starve myself for control. For a chance at having power in a world that has taken my voice and my personhood away from me.
He suggested:
1) I paint out my feelings instead of numbing them out with the food. He said to just paint color. Paint what I feel.
2) I garden. Using a hovel def. gets out my anger cause the dirt on our patio is HARD and ROCKY! It is also a way to nurture something. Including myself! I LOVE fresh spices....so we bought me a fresh spices grower kit. I also got a house plant. And we are hoping to add to this as we can afford to.
3) Sing. I have a sweet, claming voice.  I put children to sleep with my voice when I babysat! LOL And my dog too!!!!  my voice actually calms even ME
I haven't overeaten or starved myself today! I must admit, I'm afraid to do the gorwer kit...that I'll mess it up. That's the "abusers" telling me how worthless I am. I hope to get the courage to do it anyway!
I can't say I'm great right now. I've been eating gluten again (someone gave hubby and I food for shabbos before we moved and it had gluten in it....now I crave the stuff like crazy!) It makes me depressed, lethargic, migraines, etc. Our apartment freaks me out...the people that live around us are NOSY and loud and they freak me out. I'm so afraid of being raped again...I'm very alert. So it's hard to leave the house alone. I'm working on it though!
So that's what is up with me. I'm trying. Really trying. Sometimes just getting through the day is all I can muster.
I'm sorry I'm not on here much and that I don't e-mail everyone back. I'm in so much pain. I DO read the e-mails! Sometimes I just can't write back. It is NOT you. It is ME. Sometimes I feel like I am such a burden. Like my emotions are just too much. So I withdraw.
I love you all *big huge hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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It sounds like you are on the right track with the plants- you can plant those herbs yourself! go for it.. gardening and stitching are my 2 biggest pick me ups... I know so well what you mean... and I have been reading a ton (books) and busy with getting things ready for our glider babies.. I needed pets again... and DH understands that though my parents don't!
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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First of all, I want to say that your hubby sounds like an amazing man. You are a pretty lucky gal!!!  All his suggestions were right on!
Yes, interview the new therapist. You deserve nothing but the best.
I must have missed the initial post about your move. How is it there despite missing your old place?
Hang in there, sis.
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Ruchie
#184003 - 06/06/05 01:22 PM
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Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
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I am sending you lots of love and hugs. You deserve the best because you are a wonderful person. When you are away from the boards I miss you.
Your husband sounds wonderful and very supportive. Your painting and gardening sounds like a good idea. Something positive to do for yourself.
Take care!
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Janey
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Ruchie,
I am so sorry to hear you are still feeling down. You vent as much as you need too. You have been such an inspiration to so many of us on these boards that we are more then happy to lend you a shoulder to cry on. Don't ever feel like you are a burden to these boards, that is far from the truth. I hope things start looking up for you. The gardening and painting seem like a great idea. And you are a nuturer at heart I think the garden will do wonderful under your care.
If you need to vent email me anytime. I have never been sexually abused but I am a great listener and would be glad to be a supportive ear to what ever you feel like expressing.
Hugs,
Christie
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Christie
~Hoping and Praying for Sleep!~
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Hi Ruchie,
I have missed you on the boards. Hope you are feeling better. My sister that lives in Florida was raped a few years ago and it took her a long time to get over it. I think she just tries to push it out of her mind. Sometimes she does get upset and talks about it. I never ask her about it, I just let her get it out. I don't know what she would do to the guy if she ever saw him again. She went to California to testify for another woman that he had raped. The courts contacted her and she was more than glad to go to court and tell them what he did to her. She said he had a shocked look on his face when he saw her. He went back to prison. He went to prison for raping my sister. They should keep them locked up because they will only repeat what they got away with.
Painting should give you the serenity that you are looking for. I am in another world when I am on my computer. I totally forget everything. This helps me when I have had a bad day at work. Do you like to surf the web? Sometimes I go to my home page and type in something I am interested in and research different things. That helps to forget, starts the healing. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. Just say a prayer that God will see you through these tough times. You will feel better soon.
Shelby
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2 other tried & true suggestions: a self-defense class and a book - 'the gift of fear' by gavin debecker.
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Hi Ruchie, sounds like you're doing ok to me, you have plans in place and working on them, so you must be headed in the right direction.
Cheers
R
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Dearest Ruchie:
I see you more open to your positive potential each day and it looks like you exercising you CREATIVE muscles is the key to your healing, along with therapy and the love and understanding of you hubby, and G-d too.
It looks like art will help in the effort to heal your wounded heart.
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Ruchie, you are brave and courageous and have so very much to offer all of us! Thank you for stopping in even when you don't feel like it! Thank you for sharing your burdens and knowing that you have a place here for that. Take heart and continue taking care of yourself!
I have moved 8 times in my 16 years of marriage, and I imagine we're not finished yet...I hope not anyway, because I'm not real wild about the house we are in right now! That alone can stir up more emotion and instability in your soul than anything I know of! So take heart now that things are settling down. Sounds like the Lord blessed you with a gem of a husband! I'm so glad you have him!! Big HUGS and prayers!
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God is Faithful!
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