I'm back (sort of) and want to say thanks..
#17537 - 08/16/03 06:05 PM
|
|
|
|
KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
|
|
|
Hi everyone,
I am back though I have to admit I'm a bit worse for wear.
I really want to thank each and every one of you for all your support and concern.
I say I'm "kind of" back because things are still really tough for me and although I'm trying to get on with things everything is still a bit harder at the moment. I would love to reply to each and every one of your posts so that you know how much I care but I'm still feeling a bit worn out and tired. Please know I think of you all.
Physically I'm healthy and my body has recovered well. I am back on BCP for the next three weeks in prep for another fully stimulated IVF cycle. If things go to plan I will be looking at being in hospital at the end of September for another egg pick up operation. I would really like to get more eggs this time so that we have more embryos to freeze.
Emotionally I am up and down. I start to feel better and then something happens that makes me burst into tears and cry for my babies again. The other day I had a friend visiting who has two boys, one Harrions's age and a 4 month old baby. Harrison got really hysterical and kept screaming "where's my brother?" at me. I just didn't know what to say and I ended up on the ground hugging him and crying too. He's at an age now where he has noticed that all his friends have baby brothers or sisters and he keeps asking me why he doesn't. I wish I knew, I'm constantly asking myself the same thing.
Those babies were only with me a short time but I had anticipated them for two long years and I loved them with my whole heart and soul from the moment I knew of their existance. I wanted them so much. Right now they are the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night. I dream about it all every night and wake up sometimes forgetting and thinking they are still there. I have had a lot of support and also some counselling and I don't think I'm cracking up, just going through the same patterns of emotions that anyone in my situation would.
People don't know what to say to you sometimes and so what they do say sometimes hurts. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to look on the bright side, or it would have been worse if it had happened later on. Or there must have been something wrong with them. The best one I've heard so far is how it's probably for the best because twins would be really hard work.
What I've also found hard is that while at first people were expecting me to cry and feel sad now if I do my ability to cope is being questioned. It's like the time limit for how long I'm allowed to grieve has expired or something.
Whilst I know that life goes on and we are moving forward with our next lot of IVF I'm not ready to stop feeling sad. Sometimes I feel guilty because it's like if I do stop feeling sad then I'm letting my babies down. I just can't tell you how much I wanted them and how I wish things could have been different.
I'm sorry this is such a depressing post but it does feel good to get it all of my chest. Thank you all so much for listening.
Kerrie
--------------------
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Kerri,
Everything you are feeling is normal and you are allowed to feel that way. You are grieving just like anyone who losses ones so dear, the short time doesn't mean anything. Give yourself some time. I pray for the best with the next IVF.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh, Kerrie, it hurts so much for me to read your post because I remember all too well going through the fertility workups and then having a miscarriage. People can be so cruel with their remarks. I remember everyone saying to me, "I'm sure you'll have another baby." I wanted to scream because I didn't want ANOTHER baby. I wanted the one I lost. It was as if that one never existed, which hurt tremendously. The worst thing for me was the couple who lived next door. They were very religious and when I started bleeding they came over, held my hand, and told me, "You've just got to have faith. You've got to pray really hard." When I lost the baby, they practically ignored me and it made me feel so guilty, like I didn't have enough faith. They always made me feel like I had not prayed hard enough.
I understand what you mean about the grieving process. If you don't cry, others think you are being cruel and callous. If you are upset, they tell you to get over it and think you are cracking up. Everybody grieves differently and my best advice to you, is to take as much time as you need to grieve. If you feel like sobbing, then sob. It was a tremendous loss that you went through and you will feel sad for a long time.
I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you with little Harrison's comments about a sibling. How do you explain this to a two-year-old? It's hard enough for adults to understand.
Is there anyone that you could talk to that has also suffered a miscarriage? Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who has been there and knows what it's like. There was a support group in the town where I lived (I forgot the name of it, but they have them in lots of places.) I remember one especially hard day when I called one of the women in the group and she listened to me sob on the phone and I remember feeling "Wow! There IS someone who understands what this feels like." Although we were strangers, it was a great relief to me to have someone who would just listen without making those all-too-well-intended comments that others made.
Regardless of what others think, this healing process will take you a long time. It has been 19 years since my miscarriage and I still sometimes think of the baby I lost. (I have two boys and I wonder if this was a daughter that I might have had.) When that baby's due date comes around, I can't help but think of it then. Because although you never saw or met these babies, I know you loved them with all your heart and you always will.
God bless you at this difficult time!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you know it is okay to grieve for as long as you need to. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during your next round of IVF.
Barb
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Kerrie,
I just want you to know that I am thinking about you during this difficult time. It is very difficult to loss something
you want so badly. No one can tell you what the proper grieving time is. It is whatever amount of time you and
your family needs.
I had a miscarriage 5 years ago and now my husband and I are trying to have children and I hope and pray that
I will be able to. I understand what you are going through and am thinking about you.
Please take care and know we are all thinking about you!
--------------------
Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
hi kinoz. my wife feel for you and your familly. my wife and i couldnt have kids because . my wife has scared tubes.
jasper
--------------------
ive had ibs for 8 years now. im learning alot on this web board. thanks again everyone
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Kerrie,
As someone who has experienced such incredible losses I completely understand what you are experiencing. Let me tell you that there is no time table on grief. Even when you only had your babies for a short amount of time. They were still your babies.
People can be so cruel even if they don't mean it. My own mother and numerous others told me that it was God's will. I don't know who their God is, but my God is a loving God who was crying with me and feeling my loss.
Take plenty of time to grieve. It may take a really long time. I lost my last one almost two years ago and I still tear up every once in a while. And it took me a long time to realize that it is ok.
I am so sorry for your loss and just know that I pray for you every day. Just hold your son and tell him that you love him. I know he doesn't understand and it is heart breaking. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Joy
--------------------
lovejoy_22
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi Kerrie,
I join others in saying how truly sorry I am for the loss of your babies. My heart goes out to you across many miles. I pray for your eventual peace with this loss, knowing that now your frustration and sadness must be enormous. Just remember that these little ones will always be yours just as Harrison and future babies are and will be. All prayers and good wishes for the next round of IVF. Fingers and toes doubly crossed for extra good measure!
Andie
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Keep talking to those who care..
Like us,
Sending healing hugs,
--------------------
~Deborah
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Kerrie; wishing I was there to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry & lean on. Through this board and all these friends you have a virtual shoulder. Take all the time you need to heal your grieving...Praying for you & your family on your next IVF. Sue
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Posts
