I'm back (sort of) and want to say thanks..
#17537 - 08/16/03 06:05 PM
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KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
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Hi everyone,
I am back though I have to admit I'm a bit worse for wear.
I really want to thank each and every one of you for all your support and concern.
I say I'm "kind of" back because things are still really tough for me and although I'm trying to get on with things everything is still a bit harder at the moment. I would love to reply to each and every one of your posts so that you know how much I care but I'm still feeling a bit worn out and tired. Please know I think of you all.
Physically I'm healthy and my body has recovered well. I am back on BCP for the next three weeks in prep for another fully stimulated IVF cycle. If things go to plan I will be looking at being in hospital at the end of September for another egg pick up operation. I would really like to get more eggs this time so that we have more embryos to freeze.
Emotionally I am up and down. I start to feel better and then something happens that makes me burst into tears and cry for my babies again. The other day I had a friend visiting who has two boys, one Harrions's age and a 4 month old baby. Harrison got really hysterical and kept screaming "where's my brother?" at me. I just didn't know what to say and I ended up on the ground hugging him and crying too. He's at an age now where he has noticed that all his friends have baby brothers or sisters and he keeps asking me why he doesn't. I wish I knew, I'm constantly asking myself the same thing.
Those babies were only with me a short time but I had anticipated them for two long years and I loved them with my whole heart and soul from the moment I knew of their existance. I wanted them so much. Right now they are the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night. I dream about it all every night and wake up sometimes forgetting and thinking they are still there. I have had a lot of support and also some counselling and I don't think I'm cracking up, just going through the same patterns of emotions that anyone in my situation would.
People don't know what to say to you sometimes and so what they do say sometimes hurts. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to look on the bright side, or it would have been worse if it had happened later on. Or there must have been something wrong with them. The best one I've heard so far is how it's probably for the best because twins would be really hard work.
What I've also found hard is that while at first people were expecting me to cry and feel sad now if I do my ability to cope is being questioned. It's like the time limit for how long I'm allowed to grieve has expired or something.
Whilst I know that life goes on and we are moving forward with our next lot of IVF I'm not ready to stop feeling sad. Sometimes I feel guilty because it's like if I do stop feeling sad then I'm letting my babies down. I just can't tell you how much I wanted them and how I wish things could have been different.
I'm sorry this is such a depressing post but it does feel good to get it all of my chest. Thank you all so much for listening.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Kerri,
Everything you are feeling is normal and you are allowed to feel that way. You are grieving just like anyone who losses ones so dear, the short time doesn't mean anything. Give yourself some time. I pray for the best with the next IVF.
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Oh, Kerrie, it hurts so much for me to read your post because I remember all too well going through the fertility workups and then having a miscarriage. People can be so cruel with their remarks. I remember everyone saying to me, "I'm sure you'll have another baby." I wanted to scream because I didn't want ANOTHER baby. I wanted the one I lost. It was as if that one never existed, which hurt tremendously. The worst thing for me was the couple who lived next door. They were very religious and when I started bleeding they came over, held my hand, and told me, "You've just got to have faith. You've got to pray really hard." When I lost the baby, they practically ignored me and it made me feel so guilty, like I didn't have enough faith. They always made me feel like I had not prayed hard enough.
I understand what you mean about the grieving process. If you don't cry, others think you are being cruel and callous. If you are upset, they tell you to get over it and think you are cracking up. Everybody grieves differently and my best advice to you, is to take as much time as you need to grieve. If you feel like sobbing, then sob. It was a tremendous loss that you went through and you will feel sad for a long time.
I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you with little Harrison's comments about a sibling. How do you explain this to a two-year-old? It's hard enough for adults to understand.
Is there anyone that you could talk to that has also suffered a miscarriage? Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who has been there and knows what it's like. There was a support group in the town where I lived (I forgot the name of it, but they have them in lots of places.) I remember one especially hard day when I called one of the women in the group and she listened to me sob on the phone and I remember feeling "Wow! There IS someone who understands what this feels like." Although we were strangers, it was a great relief to me to have someone who would just listen without making those all-too-well-intended comments that others made.
Regardless of what others think, this healing process will take you a long time. It has been 19 years since my miscarriage and I still sometimes think of the baby I lost. (I have two boys and I wonder if this was a daughter that I might have had.) When that baby's due date comes around, I can't help but think of it then. Because although you never saw or met these babies, I know you loved them with all your heart and you always will.
God bless you at this difficult time!
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I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you know it is okay to grieve for as long as you need to. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during your next round of IVF.
Barb
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Kerrie,
I just want you to know that I am thinking about you during this difficult time. It is very difficult to loss something
you want so badly. No one can tell you what the proper grieving time is. It is whatever amount of time you and
your family needs.
I had a miscarriage 5 years ago and now my husband and I are trying to have children and I hope and pray that
I will be able to. I understand what you are going through and am thinking about you.
Please take care and know we are all thinking about you!
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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hi kinoz. my wife feel for you and your familly. my wife and i couldnt have kids because . my wife has scared tubes.
jasper
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ive had ibs for 8 years now. im learning alot on this web board. thanks again everyone
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Kerrie,
As someone who has experienced such incredible losses I completely understand what you are experiencing. Let me tell you that there is no time table on grief. Even when you only had your babies for a short amount of time. They were still your babies.
People can be so cruel even if they don't mean it. My own mother and numerous others told me that it was God's will. I don't know who their God is, but my God is a loving God who was crying with me and feeling my loss.
Take plenty of time to grieve. It may take a really long time. I lost my last one almost two years ago and I still tear up every once in a while. And it took me a long time to realize that it is ok.
I am so sorry for your loss and just know that I pray for you every day. Just hold your son and tell him that you love him. I know he doesn't understand and it is heart breaking. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Joy
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lovejoy_22
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Hi Kerrie,
I join others in saying how truly sorry I am for the loss of your babies. My heart goes out to you across many miles. I pray for your eventual peace with this loss, knowing that now your frustration and sadness must be enormous. Just remember that these little ones will always be yours just as Harrison and future babies are and will be. All prayers and good wishes for the next round of IVF. Fingers and toes doubly crossed for extra good measure!
Andie
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Keep talking to those who care..
Like us,
Sending healing hugs,
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~Deborah
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Kerrie; wishing I was there to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry & lean on. Through this board and all these friends you have a virtual shoulder. Take all the time you need to heal your grieving...Praying for you & your family on your next IVF. Sue
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... the amount of support I have received has been amazing. Thank you so much.
Thank you also to Beaglelover, Joy and Lana-marie for sharing your own experience. It's good to hear that others who have been there felt the same and so I know that what I am feeling is normal.
Beaglelover, I can't tell you of the enormous sense of relief I felt when you said you still think of your baby 19 years later. A burden lifted from my shoulders at those words because now I know it's Ok for me to rememeber my babies alsways too. I have had so many people telling telling me to stay positive and move on but I have come to realise that I can move on but I don't have to forget the babies I wanted so dearly while doing so. Thank you for giving me that peace.
And so I am continiung on this journey and it has gotten a little easier. I think part of my heart will be broken for some time but I know I'll be OK.
Kerrie
xx
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Isn't this the most amazing "place"? I know I don't post nearly as often as many others, but I am always touched by how much caring there is among people from literally all over the world who have never even met! I am glad things are feeling a bit better for you, Kerrie. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Andie
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It is so great to hear you sound more positive Kerrie.
I have friends who lost their baby at four months and they had a private funeral for him. My friends have a memoir box of him, which includes a blanket, photos and other items. They did this so their baby will always be part of their lives in memory.
My point is people probably mean well when they say move on, but you can not choose to forget the two babies who were part of you life for a short peroid of time.
If you haven't already, I encourage you to start journaling your infertility experience and your feeling towards your lost babies. You will always have the journals to read.
Barb
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I actually did use a journal when I was experiencing my miscarriages. I read them again this year when my husband and I were moving. It makes me realize how far I have come. I was really depressed as anyone would be. If you have not started a journal I would highly recommend doing so. It helps to get your feelings down on paper and off of your chest.
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lovejoy_22
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Re: Yes it is
#17929 - 08/20/03 11:46 PM
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KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
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I have actually thought about trying to write a book all about infertility and IVF( and I guess I can add miscarriage to the list now too) and particularly infertility when you already have one child . That is sometimes hard because you come into contact with others who don't have any children and sometimes I almost feel guilty- like I'm being greedy or something. Also, people assume the experience is not as upsetting because you do already have a child.
Anyway, I'm getting off track. I don't know whether I could do a good enough job for it to be actually published but thought I might do it for myself anyway.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Don't feel guilty about wanting more Children....you would be a wonderful mom and have a right to as many children as you want...I really hope you didn't get that idea from my post....I have just seen parents grieve and put so much energy into the children they lost and forget about the ones they do have....not saying that's what you have done!! NO Way!
I apologize if that's my post that made you think that.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Gosh, don't think that.  It's just a general feeling I have encountered from time to time.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Kerrie, I've been thinking of you and praying for you since the attempted implantation of the babies. When you weren't on for so long I was afraid it was bad news, and it was. I'm so sorry. You have every right to grieve as long as you need--you lost two babies! They'll be in your heart the rest of your life. You are so brave to now go through the process again. We will all be thinking of you, rooting for you, and praying for you. God bless you.
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Hello. I have only just started checking all the boards, since I have been busy this summer like everyone else. My stomach dropped when I read your post to Heather on one of the other boards and I am so sorry to hear not only about your lose, but you daily struggle. On a more positive note, I am relieved and glad to hear that you are healthy and they already have you set up for another go at IVF. Hang in there and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sheri
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So much baking, so little time.....
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Oh, my heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and hug your son lots. I will pray for you.
I can't believe people said "the bright side". Where would that be???????! I understand how you feel. Sometimes people say things with the best of intentions but it's just not what you needed to hear. I'm glad you're in counselling. You are an incredibly strong woman and I admire you for everything you are doing. I hope you feel better soon! Until then, you're in my thoughts. Love Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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