Relatives that are completely unsympathetic to IBS
#154880 - 02/28/05 07:01 AM
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e_mcmaster
Reged: 01/16/05
Posts: 520
Loc: Norman, Oklahoma
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Does anyone have a problem with relatives or friends not being supportive (and sometimes being rude) of your IBS?
My parents are surprisingly very unsupportive, which is interesting because my Dad has IBS-C, though not even half as bad as mine (he doesn't bloat and he can just pop a laxative and he's fine). My parents don't ever want to hear about my tummy hurting and claim that I "complain too much." (Although, I don't know how they think that since I don't live with them - I'm 20 - and probably only mention it once a month.) I've pretty much given up ever mentioning anything related to my health to them, because they don't want to hear about it. And since they mentioned that they felt I complained too much, when I *have* said something to them about my IBS, I've been very cognacent of their perception.
Yesterday, I was talking to my Mom on the phone, telling her I'd read about the success of hypnosis and how I wish my doctors had been more "on the ball" in diagnosing me so that I could have tried different things. She interrupted me, in the middle of a sentence, and said, in a flat tone of voice, "So what else is new."
My parents have always been super supportive and caring up to this point in my life and our relationship is otherwise very good, so I can't understand why they are so unsupportive of such a (unfortunately) big part of my life.
Does anyone have a similar experience?
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Elizabeth
all those years it wasn't IBS - it was celiac!
send me an email: liz@dopple.net
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I haven't had a similar experience, but lots of people on the boards have. It usually comes from the whole delusion that IBS is all in your head and they don't believe it's a legitimate medical problem. I'm sorry your parents are so unsympathetic. There's not a lot you can do. When you need someone to talk to about IBS - we're here and you know that WE will support you.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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...when they THINK they understand the illness...like your Dad having IBS (but not severe) and my Mum having lots of Fibro symptoms (but nothing like mine!). They think you have the same thing and are therefore making alot of fuss over nothing. Grrr. 
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Like my father who keeps telling me that his IBS was cured - yes, cured - by eating cantaloupe every day. Never mind that his doctor "thought" he had a "spastic colon", then diagnosed him with diverticulitis, and he eventually had a section of his intestine removed... nah, he knows all about IBS and knows I'd be cured if I ate cantaloupe. LOL!
I've learned not to discuss certain things with my parents, and going into any kind of detail about my health problems is one of those things. They ask how I'm doing, I say "fine" whether it's true or not, and we move on to the next topic. I have an excellent relationship with my parents and stepparents, I should add, and I absolutely adore them, I just no longer feel the need to share EVERYTHING with them. Works out better that way.
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Yup definitely at times, they can be quite unsupportive and not understanding of WHY I might not want to go out and do certain things.
The funniest part is when one of them has stomach problems for like a day its a big deal...well welcome to my world! 
And also, since I rarely bother "complaining" about it anymore (for this reason), when I actually do mention something I usually get the well why does your stomach hurt again, etc....so its pretty pointless really!
Anyway, I think many of us here have been through this with at least someone in our lives...and it is definitely frustrating...all I can do is sympathize with you!
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I was told straight out by my mom that I am not "allowed" to talk about any health issue with her anymore at all.
My relatives think I am a hypochondriac and get upset and will not talk to me if I am unable to attend a family get together because I am in pain. They feel I am just being rude.
And no one ever ever will make an IBS safe meal for me. Or even offer a side dish that I can eat. They continuously serve meat, fatty salads with mayo, fried foods, cheesy pizzas and lasagnas and get upset if I don't eat it, or choose not to attend because I know there will be comments and snide remarks on how rude I am.
Over and over they offer me ice cream, pizza, etc, and over and over I tell them I can't tolerate dairy. They get offended that I am not eating their food. If they only knew how much I would love to be able to include myself in their barbeques and delicious entrees!
A few of them refuse to even talk to me anymore because they think I am rude and insensitive. When I cannot attend a party because I am at home sick, they judge me harshly.
We deserve empathy not judgement. If one of them would just say, "I'm sorry you aren't feeling up to it, we'll miss you". At least I wouldn't feel so alone. I already feel the horrible pain and symptoms of IBS and the lonliness and depression of missing out on the celebrations and the food. So why must they add to me feeling bad by judging me and "punishing" me with nasty comments and thoughts.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's just a sore spot with me. My aunts, cousins, brothers and sisters still choose to deny that I hurt and this will be my life. They think I am making all this up, or they don't care. I don't know which is worse. It all hurts me.
Thank goodness I have you guys. I am no longer alone. But it would be nice to have the love and support of my family. I miss them.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Luckily, my mom is very understanding. She suffers also so she knows first hand. I do have this problem though with my girlfriends. They get upset when I don't want to go out to the bar and drink and eat bar food with them. They think I'm just blowing them off, they don't understand. I've tried explaining it to them, very bluntly and in detail and they still don't get it!! The owrst part is, one of them is a dr!!! She only has a year left of her residency and she will be in private practice. I think she will make a good dr, she is going into family practice, but she does NOT understand IBS at all!! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Oh yeah!
#154909 - 02/28/05 08:17 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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It really bugs me sometimes that when Si has the flu I really look after him but most of the time he doesn't look after me when I'm fibro-ey. SOmetimes it's the EVERYday thing that just gets me down...it's like, ENOUGH ALREADY!
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Hey there, Pretty Lady!
When I was a word processor for a law firm, I transcribed a LOT of medical record summaries. I remember as far back as 1989 having to type a lot of summaries of people having IBS. I had no idea at the time that I had it myself! (It wasn't until 1999 that I was finally diagnosed.) I had no idea what IBS was up 'till then.
This thing that we all share has been around a long time, yet it's amazing that we are so uninformed about it. Your situation is so common, and it's really unfortunate. Just last month I got a letter from a past fellow co-worker who told me she had just discovered that "IBS isn't all in the head," there is no cure, that it's treated with proper diet and medication, and she said I was doing everything right. Well, DUH. I had no idea she had ever believed otherwise!
Does your dad realize that he has IBS-C? Or does he think he just can't poop and that a laxative will solve the problem? Is he in denial about it, or does he just feel like everyone with IBS should just be a mensch and "suck it up"?
It honestly sounds like your mom is poorly informed about IBS even though her husband has it; is she in denial too? You need to CALMLY sit down with her in person, not on the phone, and present her with either Heather's book or one of the pamphlets on IBS from your doctor's office, and CALMY inform your mom so that she will realize this is a real problem for you, that it's much worse than your dad's occasional "C", and that you need her support.
I think sometimes we tend to close our minds to things we don't understand because we know nothing about them and can't offer suggestions on how to help. Now I believe that's what was going on with my ex-co-worker when I was working with her; all along she tried to provide support for me while not believing I had a real problem.
If, after all your good efforts, you don't get anywhere with your parents, it may be a good idea to just drop it; it could be that they don't want to hear about your pain because they don't WANT you to be in pain (it's all about "mind-over-matter"). Hopefully they'll eventually become better informed, as my ex-co-worker.
Meanwhile, Girlfriend, you can always come here for advice and support; we ALL know only too well what you're going through!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Thank you all so much for your support! It means a lot, especially today, after that frustrating phone call with my Mom yesterday.
Bevvy, I am starting to think that my Dad doesn't really have IBS, he just has C. He experiences no bloating (or none that he admits to), no pain, and is able to pop a laxative and be done with it for a couple weeks. He was told he had IBS by some doctor, but I doubt they ran any tests (and now that I think about it, no tests were run on me, but I seem to respond well to typical IBS treatments). My Dad definitely feels like I should just "suck it up" and told me over Christmas that my bloating was "all in my head." It sounds like he thinks I'm a hypochondriac, which is very sad.
I think you are right on the ball about my Mom being in denial. I know she regrets that I'm in pain, yet she doesn't believe I have anything serious.
I will probably sit down with my Dad, with Heather's books, and explain to him how hurt I am that they blow me off. My Dad is not as emotional as my Mom, so hopefully he will be able to provide some insight as to why she is reacting the way she is, as well as address why he is doing what he is doing.
Fortunately, through all of this, I have my wonderful DHTB that not only understands but is completely supportive of me.
Thank you again!
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Elizabeth
all those years it wasn't IBS - it was celiac!
send me an email: liz@dopple.net
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