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What a tough situation to be in.
First of all....even though he doesn't mean to hurt you, he does. You shouldn't be expected to put up with it. Someone telling you that you're not intelligent (basically insulting you) is not desirable or even tolerable in a boyfriend.
I understand that you still love him. Of course you do!! 10 years is a long time to spend with someone. The question is....are you in love with him? Sometimes no matter how much we love someone it doesn't mean that they are right for us. You've spent 10 years with him and I know for the past 3 or 4 months (at least) you've been terribly unhappy in the relationship. How many more years are you going to spend being unhappy? No matter how sorry you feel for him....feeling sorry for someone isn't a reason to stay.
Of course it's going to be difficult to not see or talk to him anymore but you can and will get through it. You know we are all here for you!! The longer you drag this on with him the harder it's going to be in the end. Especially now if he's thinking about proposing.
If you've met someone who you're interested in and you want to pursue him then that should tell you something right? Would you want to be with a guy that wanted to be with another girl? Probably not....so it's more fair to your boyfriend as well to deal with this sooner than later.
I hope I don't sound preachy....that's not my intention. I know this is a really hard situation to be in....*HUGS*
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Hi Tina
#150423 - 02/15/05 01:32 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi there,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, it really does sound like a nightmare.
I can relate to what you are going through with the clean freak thing, Adrian is exactly the same way. I have gotten like 200 times neater and more tidy since we have been together, but it is never good enough and it does make me feel bad a lot. I say this because it makes me so on edge sometimes that I can't imagine having that pressure AND all the other stuff you are talking about - I can't imagine being strong enough to take all that on a daily basis.
I remember you saying in other posts how your boyfriend is not supportive of you when you are sick and that just breaks my heart - I think that since feeling poorly is going to be a part of our lives (hopefully only in small, infrequent doses!!) and that the people we love have to learn to understand that and support us. You are such a lovely person and you really do deserve someone that will help you through the hard times.
I don't think I can knock any sense into you (although I'll do my best, hee hee) 'cause ultimately it is a decision you have to get clear in your own mind and then like a bandaid, pull it right off.. YOUCH!!.. and then it's over. If there is no passion left, if it is causing you more grief than happiness you will probably be able to improve your life more than you can probably even realise at this moment as soon as you can move away from someone like that.
He may not be able to be your friend now, he may never be able to be your friend and you probably just have to wrap your mind around that because it is a huge change, but it is one necessary if you don't want to carry on the way you have been for so long.
Don't forget that we will always be here to support you, no matter what and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!
Now rip that bandaid!!
**bug hugs**
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Steph
#150458 - 02/15/05 03:28 PM
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I am so surprised to hear that you also live with a neat freak. I thought it was very rare! It's impossible, huh? I once spent 3 hours when we first moved in together cleaning the place. He came home and insulted everything that I had cleaned. I was so upset and he just told me he'd have to redo everything. 
I think I will dump him soon. Don't worry! I am looking forward to a new and IMPROVED life! 
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OMG!!!
#150459 - 02/15/05 03:31 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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I was just laughing out loud when I read your post because that is EXACTLY what happens with me and Adrian! Even if I clean something, he ALWAYS redoes it if it isn't up to his anal-retentive standards! Hee hee.
On a serious note, it is the biggest problem in our relationship... Yeah, you'd think it was being from two different countries or something but no, it's the tidy thing. It seriously drives him NUTS that I can leave a towel on the floor in the bathroom for 15 minutes and don't give it another thought - oh lordy!!
When we first moved in here after the move, we set everything up and cleaned and then I went out the next day and when I came back he had rearranged EVERYTHING!! I am talking took apart a huge desk and moved it to the other side of the room!!
It is totally impossible, I have to learn to laugh about it or I'd be ripping my own hair out!!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Let's hope your apartment hunting goes quickly and successfully. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. But when it's time, it's time. Good for you for standing up for yourself and what you need. I really admire that in you.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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That's a major symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder. Being very controlling is another. I should know - I have OCD. Mind you I'm not controlling about cleaning or relationships, but I do understand that that is a major part of it. Any questions about OCD, you can ask me. I'm pretty familiar with it.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Wow, it doesn't seem to bug you too much if you can laugh about it.
I can't.
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Really? How interesting!
Hubby freaks out if I don't clean things the right way. And he thinks I'm a slob if I leave the dishes hanging around. We used to get upset about this but he says I help him learn how t be more relaxed about stuff. Should I be concerned for him? I know it's hard for him when I don't do certain things the "right/clean" way...
I have learned that when he gets upset if dinner is burnt or whatever not to let it get to me...that this is his thing not mine. That it's ok to burn dinner, leave the dishes, whatever.
Anyway...if you think it might be OCD let me know. Maybe it would even help me understand better. I know when he is critical it's coming from a part of his past (and he's not mean about it...he'll only tell me it bothers him if I make him...).
Anyway, thakns for bringing this up Alicia! *hugs* (Gorgeous name btw!) 
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Hi there, SS,
Well, it is I who is obsessive-compulsive in our relationship. You know Bree on "Desperate Housewives"? Well, I'm sorry to say I can really relate to her, especially the scene in the shrink's office and the shrink's jacket button. Oh yeah, I'd have reached in my purse for my traveling sewing kit!
I have to have everything at the right angle. If anyone touches anything in the house, I know it, I spot it immediately. I'm a nut case.
It was very difficult for Don -- at first. After 7 years of frustration, we finally went through therapy and worked very hard at our marriage. I had to lighten up, and he needed to stop throwing his underwear in the dirty clothes basket inside-out.
It's a give-and-take kinda thing. I had to respect him, and he me. He also needed to help me out. Now, after 39 years of marriage, I look the other way when he doesn't dust under the mantel clock. When he's out of the house, I take the dust rag and do it myself, but don't tell him about it.
However, it sounds like this isn't at all about his obsessive-compulsiveness, it's all about whether or not you want to stay with him. It sounds, from your last paragraph, that you've already moved on...?
Please, before you give up on your current, analyze whether it might be worth seeing a psychiatrist -- BOTH of you. Don't give up without a fight, not after having invested 10 long years in the relationship. You both deserve better.
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I might be wrong...but I think the difference is that with Adrian he has this obsession. I hope at least he's not malicious about it.
It sounds like your guy, Tina, IS malicious about it!
My hubby has his obsession with things. And maybe he would do things differently. He gets freaked out when I use the wrong cleaner to clean the wood...or when I break glasses or whatever. He thinks I'm being careless. However...these are just things he is compulsive about. And things that are part of his past...
However...it is NOT ok! And he knows that I don't tihnk it's ok. And I tell him. And he has made a HUGE effort to work on himself and he even thanks me for helping him learn to relax.
I can't laugh about it. It hurt me a LOT in the past...
But this is different Tina...I htink it is at least. I hope I'm being clear...I'm not so sure?
Ok, ramble over! 
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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