I'm really hurting
#148121 - 02/09/05 09:02 AM
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Hi y'all,
As many of you now I've been through abuse in my life. And now I am an adult and I am safe...but I am still living in those abusive times.
I am in OA. I am reading up on adults hurt as children and books of that nature.
I took the sugar out for 8 whole days. But I couldn't do it. I NEED the food to fill the hole inside of me. I had 2 chocolate bars this morning.
I'm so sick of htis! I'm so sick of livign this way! Of hurting all the time. Worrying what others think of me. Not abel to love myself and like myself. Seeing myself as less than everyone else is. Going throuhg my days ashamed and hurting and wanting to be swallowed up.
Now on top of these feelings I have the lightheadeness from the sugar which makes it difficult to think clearly.
I am just SO TIRED of it all. The drama, the food, the starvation, the feelings, the burried feelings, having to please everyone all the time, calling my parents all the time out of respect, repeating my past over and over again in my head, trying so hard with the food and then eating again anyway....I just want to live a healthy life!
I want to be close to my hubby. But with food in the way...I can't be intimate with him. This hurts more than I can say.
I am just hurting so much.
I just wish I could live in TODAY. But I don't know how. I used anorexia to survive childhood traumas. I was "perfect" so that I would get the love I needed. But hubby doesn't love me cause I'm who he wants me to be...he loves me for me. But who am I? I don't see myself. All I know how to be is for others. Can't I learn to be for me? Can't I start today?
If only I knew how...
Anyway, thanks for reading. I needed to share htis.
Love,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Hi Ruchie...
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I don't know what it was exactly that you went through as a child, but I can tell you that I went through some serious traumas as well when I was growing up and it's only recently that I've been able to deal with these things and let them go.
It's so easy to allow things like this to control you and run your life and define who you are. Just remember that through all of the troubles and traumas you've gone through...you survived!!! You are a wonderful, caring, loving, generous person. I can see that just from reading your posts on the boards here....so I can only imagine what a beautiful person you are in person!!
Realize that you CAN control your life and your actions!! Even though it seems hopeless right now and you feel lost and insecure....you DO have the ability to make changes for yourself!! I promise!!
The answer to your question is YES....you can start today!! Make today the day you say to yourself "I am going to take control". You are strong enough to have gotten through some terrible things in your life and I know you're strong enough to take control. Make today the day you take your life back!! It's not easy....I know this from personal experience, but you can do it....I know you can. I have faith in you.
Sorry if I've gone on and on...that wasn't my intention...I just want you to realize that you and only you have to power to take control of your life and make changes and I know you can do it. You have my 100% support. Feel free to email me if you want to. I'm always happy to talk.
fixion88@hotmail.com
*HUGS*
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Oh sweetie!
#148135 - 02/09/05 09:40 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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{{{HUGS}}}
Don't beat yourself up....I don't even know how you did 8 days with NO sugar! Could you just try to cut back, not cut it out. I know sugar is bad for my Fibro and migraines, but there's no way I could cut it out completely! The CRAVINGS!  I just try to only eat sugar with plenty of SF and other stuff. So I allow myself the occasional ADB as there's lots of flour in them as well as sugar. Unlike chocolate...I succumbed to a piece this afternoon and it brought my headache back. 
Can you just crawl into bed, declare today a "bad day"and get hubby to come and hug you when he gets home? Sounds like you need some sympathy time.
I understand the intimacy thing...it's a real effort for me to try and be remotely "normal" with my DH with this DD. I'm soooo tired and achy so often. 
{{{{HUGS}}}} Remember that you are a lovely, wonderful person who brings light and happiness into other people's lives. All you've been through and you still manage that! You star! 
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I'm so sorry you have had to struggle so much Ruchie! You are a great, loving person and do not deseve all this hardship! Hang in there! We all love you and we ALL slip on our diets. I know you are upset about more than just your diet, I wish I could help more. Hang in there! Lots of love and big hugs!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Christie
~Hoping and Praying for Sleep!~
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*HUGS* I'm still dealing with a lot of abuse from my childhood as well, and it gets in the way of my life still too, so I know where you're coming from! It makes me so much more self-conscious, and little things that don't upset other people really get to me, and it causes fights with my bf and my friends sometimes...honey, if you ever need to talk, my email is in my profile. I think you're making fantastic progress and this is just a minor setback. *HUGS* I'm really proud of how you've done the last week, which means you CAN do it! Just remember that, everyone has little setbacks sometimes, but it's not the end of the world, because you did do it for 8 days, which means you CAN do it!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Quote:
Hi y'all, Hi sweetie!
As many of you now I've been through abuse in my life. And now I am an adult and I am safe...but I am still living in those abusive times. Yes, I recall...but not the details (you don't need to share that either if your not comfortable)
I am in OA. I am reading up on adults hurt as children and books of that nature. What is OA?
I took the sugar out for 8 whole days. But I couldn't do it. I NEED the food to fill the hole inside of me. I had 2 chocolate bars this morning. 8 days IS a long time!! Maybe you can just decrease the amount you eat instead of trying to stop it all together, at least for now...baby steps is what you might need here.
I'm so sick of htis! I'm so sick of livign this way! Of hurting all the time. Worrying what others think of me. Not abel to love myself and like myself. Seeing myself as less than everyone else is. Going throuhg my days ashamed and hurting and wanting to be swallowed up. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you are NOT less then everyone else...so get that OUT of your mind sweetie....
Now on top of these feelings I have the lightheadeness from the sugar which makes it difficult to think clearly.
I am just SO TIRED of it all. The drama, the food, the starvation, the feelings, the burried feelings, having to please everyone all the time, calling my parents all the time out of respect, repeating my past over and over again in my head, I understand this.... trying so hard with the food and then eating again anyway....I just want to live a healthy life! We want you healthy too and will support you in any way that we can.
I want to be close to my hubby. But with food in the way...I can't be intimate with him. This hurts more than I can say. What do you mean by "with food in the way" ?
I am just hurting so much. {{hugs}}
I just wish I could live in TODAY. But I don't know how. I used anorexia to survive childhood traumas. I was "perfect" so that I would get the love I needed. But hubby doesn't love me cause I'm who he wants me to be...he loves me for me. But who am I? I don't see myself. All I know how to be is for others. Can't I learn to be for me? Can't I start today? YES, you can.... just promise your self that you are going to start living for YOU... YOU are worth it...
If only I knew how... LOVE YOURSELF!
Anyway, thanks for reading. I needed to share htis. We are always here sweetie.....
Love,
Ruchie
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Oh, Ruchie
#148150 - 02/09/05 10:18 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. We love you just the way you are!
You are just having one of those days, where you hate everything. I know how that can be. Please don't get discouraged. You have done so well lately. We all overeat and eat candy bars when we shouldn't. Don't beat yourself up about this! (I bought a package of Hershey chocolate bars earlier this week---and it's already gone.)
I don't know what else to say. I wish I could make you feel better. Just know that we love you and are here for you, no matter what.
Big hugs to you, sweetie!!! (((((Hugs)))))))
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Ruchie, I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. You are such a wonderful person and I love reading your posts.
Would it help if you just cut down on the sugar instead of cutting it out altogether? Eating candy bars is very comforting and I think you certainly needed that today. Don't beat yourself up over it. We all do it at one time or another. Who's perfect anyway?
It sounds like your hubby loves you very much....could you talk to him about how you feel. Would he help you feel better about yourself?
It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with in the past and I wish you could just erase that. Have you ever had counseling or therapy? Would that help?
Ruchie, repeat after me, "I am a wonderful person with lots of friends that care about me".
Remember you have lots of friends on the boards that want to help you so anytime you need to vent please don't hesitate.
If you have sound on your computer click on this. I think you will like it.
http://www.funnybunch.com/1/me1.swf
Sending you bunches of hugs.
Barbie
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Ruchie, I think you are a great person, and especially with all of the good advice you give, I am sure that you know who you are, you just have it buried inside of you! You will figure things out. I hate to see you hurting this way. ((((HUGGS))))
You seem like you have made it through alot. I am sure that you still have alot more things to conquer, but you will get through it.
luvs and hugs,
sheri
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-Sheri
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