Does everybody hate their mothers-in-law?
#133100 - 12/27/04 08:27 AM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I guess I'm on the other side of the fence on this issue. My daughter-in-law hates me! and I don't know why. I've tried everything to make her like me, but nothing has worked. It's not just me though, she hates everybody in the family; my husband, my other kids and their kids and my parents, etc....
This year, she didn't come to Christmas. My son and his kids came by themselves. I missed her, but my son didn't and neither did their children. They had a great time and stayed later than they normally would have.
I just hate it though, that I haven't been able to bridge the gap on this. I've asked what the problem is, but my son won't tell me and my dil won't speak to us, so I can't fix it, if I don't know what's wrong.
After 9/11 happened, she came to my home and told me that she knew she'd been a bad dil and wanted a new start. We cried and hugged and I was so happy. But, since then, everything went back to what it was before and even worse. So, I'm the hated mil and I don't know why.
It's a very sad thing in my life, but I try not to dwell on it, because I don't think there's anything I can do about it.
As far as my dil goes? Well, I've tried being good and treating her the way I'd want to be treated. I never pry into their lives. I stay completely out now, because that's what she wants. I'm not invited to birthday parties and as a matter of fact, I'm not allowed in her home when she is there. I've only been to their beautiful home, 2 times and it has to be on invitation only. I'm NEVER to just show up unless I call first. But, she never answers the phone to me, so that's not a viable option either. If I want to see my son, I have to call him and he makes arrangements to meet me somewhere in the city they live in. Usually, he has us meet him at the movies. One time, we met him at a park and he brought my grandchildren; (whom I adore, by the way.) One time, I showed up unannounced and she slammed the door in my face; so she isn't kidding about me having to stick to her rules.
Listen to this, I'm not invited to the kids' parties, but she holds it against me because I didn't get their presents to them on time. I was late. It's hard to get them there on time, when I can't even go to their house.
So, my question is: what makes a good mother-in-law?
I'm opened to suggestions. I want to be that great mil that everybody wants. I don't want my dil uncomfortable around me. I want her to feel accepted and loved for who she is, but I feel like I've failed at it.
Terri
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That sounds really weird Terri! I am sure that the problem is totally with her, not you. I am sure that you could change any little thing about you and it wouldn't matter. Some people just don't like others, and have no justification for it. To me, it sounds like she has some issues. Does she have a lot of family of her own? Are they allowed to parties? If so, that is not fair that you are not, and your son may need to stand up to her. Have you realy tried hard to get through to your son about what the problem is? She will probably not go for it, but maybe you can go on an outing with her and try to talk. If you have exhausted every resource, than the only thing you can do is just wait for her to come around (if she does). How long has this been going on for, by the way?
And it sounds like anyone would be lucky to have you for a MIL! In my experiences and in my family it always seems the other way around, the mothers hate the son's wives/girlfriends. I have been the hated girlfriend before (for no good reason), and I admit, it does stink.
Hope everything works out!
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-Sheri
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Wow, Sheri. You made me feel so much better about this. She is an only child and her mother cut off the relationships on her Dad's side of the family. She only associates with her Mom's side and there's not very many of them.
Yes, her side is allowed to parties.
This has been going on for about 7 years now. It's just steadily gotten worse and deteriorated to what it is now.
I have always accepted everyone of my son's girlfriends. Always! And, of course, I accept my dil, too. I love so many things about her.
My son did tell me that there's one thing left that I could do, but I haven't done it yet. He told me to write her a letter. I have no idea what to say though because I'm so afraid that I will say something wrong. Do you have any ideas about what I might say in a letter to her?
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Definately would tread carefully in a letter, it is permanent evidence! 
Yes, you are right that words will need to be chosen carefully. I would stay away from anything confrontational that makes it sound like she is at fault (even though she is). You love so many things about her, make sure you find a way to weave them in. Let her know that your faimilies happiness means everything to you, and that she is a BIG part of your family, she even started a new generation of you! If you feel she is a good mother, compliment her on that. Say taht you could never dream for a better dil, you are lucky your son found someone so special that treats him right (if she does).
Point out that even if it seems like the two of you are too different to get along, that you already have things in common: Loving your son (her husband) and your grandchildren (her children)
Apologize for the fact that maybe you weren't outward wnough with trying to show her that you care. (this is a good idea because hse may think you don't like her, or just not feel comfortable around you, might be intimidated, etc). Let her know that you are realizing life is too short, and one day when your time is almost up you don't want to have regrets that you weren't able to bring your family together. maybe spread the heat off of you alittle bit and mention the whole family, and that you are writing since you are Mom, and it is Mom's job to bind the family together.
i am usually better at this stuff, but having a dry spell today. These are just ideas, feel free to use, tweak, say the opposite, etc. I know sometimes just reading ideas is enough to get that one spark, and before you know it you wrote a book. You want to be true, don't write anything that you would not be comfortable with. and if you are being phony it will show and probably turn her off. maybe inlude a tiny peace-gift? Does she have a favortie thing, like say dolphins for example? You could include a dolphin something or the other. Or if you are both very religious, a religious token might be in order. I know back in the day when I was a practicing catholic, I gave my sister a Virgin Mary watch medal after we were fighting. My mother had also gave them to her sisters after thier grandmother died, so it had significance.
Again, like I said, just ideas! nad make sure you proofread! I am asure Bev or someone in your family that knows you well would do a great job!
Good luck! And let us know how it goes! Even if it doesn't work, atleast you will have peace over it, because you can honestly say that you gave your all!
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-Sheri
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Wow Terri, she is lucky to have a MIL who cares so much about family and loving and respecting one another. Myself, I could use all the supportive and loving people in my life that I could get.
Our family is pretty much into their own lives and we don't really spend much time together except for my mom.
I don't know what advice to give you besides what Sheri has already offered. Just wanted to say how much I respect your value of family!
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Wow, Terri! It definitely sounds like the problem is her, and not at all you! I can't imagine anyone not liking you. 
What striked me as sort of odd is your son telling you to write a letter. How can you write a letter about a problem that you know nothing about? It is unfair for your son to expect you to correct the problem without being told what the problem is. 
It certainly sounds bizzare and I definitely agree with Sheri about maybe it's because she's an only child.
I really wish I had more advice to offer you.  I just hope everything works out in the end and she realizes what a wonderful woman you are!
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- Jennifer
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I know it's VERY rare but my Mom (mil) is my best friend, hands down. It took a few years but once we worked through a couple things and I understood how genuinely and unconditionally she cares about me, our relationship just BLOSSOMED. I talk to her every day about everything under the sun.
I think sometimes it comes down to personality issues and there's not much you can do about that. My mother loves me, I know that, but she doesn't understand me and I dont' understand her. Since I was about 12 I've felt older than her and as though I've been protecting HER instead of the other way around. So I would not say we were close and sometimes being with her just exhausts me. We also have a lot of baggage. On the flipside, "mom" and I are just TOO MUCH alike, it's pretty funny sometimes, so it's no surprise that we feel at ease with one another.
I'd say just be genuine and a good listener and there's not much else you can do. The effort has to be 2 way and if it's not, then that is not your fault. Hugs!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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No. I have a gem of a mother-in-law! She respects me as her son's wife, and unless asked, does not offer unsolicited advice. She loves me as I am for who I am, and as a result, the feeling is very mutual. We get on each other's nerves about some things, but that's when we know to sort of limit our interaction. It is a great relationship - one that I treasure. I can actually share more with her than anyone else at times. Keep the faith! Sorry yours is not an ideal relationship.
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God is Faithful!
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Quote:
It's not just me though, she hates everybody in the family; my husband, my other kids and their kids and my parents, etc....
This year, she didn't come to Christmas. My son and his kids came by themselves. I missed her, but my son didn't and neither did their children. They had a great time and stayed later than they normally would have.
Why are you trying so hard to please someone who deliberately makes you feel bad? She sounds like a generally unpleasant person to me. Remember, you're not a door mat.
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we both have issues with and want to hide from.. my MIL is a wonderful lady for all her mental shortcomings post her stroke.. and always has been.. and is local and there if we need her, but without being overbearing.. mom calls almost daily.. and when she lives int he same town as one of her kids (she and my sister lived 40 minutes apart for awhile) dropped in unexpectedly at importune times and wouldn't leave!
MIL rarely comes here and only when invited... actually I wish she would come by more...
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