Does everybody hate their mothers-in-law?
#133100 - 12/27/04 08:27 AM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I guess I'm on the other side of the fence on this issue. My daughter-in-law hates me! and I don't know why. I've tried everything to make her like me, but nothing has worked. It's not just me though, she hates everybody in the family; my husband, my other kids and their kids and my parents, etc....
This year, she didn't come to Christmas. My son and his kids came by themselves. I missed her, but my son didn't and neither did their children. They had a great time and stayed later than they normally would have.
I just hate it though, that I haven't been able to bridge the gap on this. I've asked what the problem is, but my son won't tell me and my dil won't speak to us, so I can't fix it, if I don't know what's wrong.
After 9/11 happened, she came to my home and told me that she knew she'd been a bad dil and wanted a new start. We cried and hugged and I was so happy. But, since then, everything went back to what it was before and even worse. So, I'm the hated mil and I don't know why.
It's a very sad thing in my life, but I try not to dwell on it, because I don't think there's anything I can do about it.
As far as my dil goes? Well, I've tried being good and treating her the way I'd want to be treated. I never pry into their lives. I stay completely out now, because that's what she wants. I'm not invited to birthday parties and as a matter of fact, I'm not allowed in her home when she is there. I've only been to their beautiful home, 2 times and it has to be on invitation only. I'm NEVER to just show up unless I call first. But, she never answers the phone to me, so that's not a viable option either. If I want to see my son, I have to call him and he makes arrangements to meet me somewhere in the city they live in. Usually, he has us meet him at the movies. One time, we met him at a park and he brought my grandchildren; (whom I adore, by the way.) One time, I showed up unannounced and she slammed the door in my face; so she isn't kidding about me having to stick to her rules.
Listen to this, I'm not invited to the kids' parties, but she holds it against me because I didn't get their presents to them on time. I was late. It's hard to get them there on time, when I can't even go to their house.
So, my question is: what makes a good mother-in-law?
I'm opened to suggestions. I want to be that great mil that everybody wants. I don't want my dil uncomfortable around me. I want her to feel accepted and loved for who she is, but I feel like I've failed at it.
Terri
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That sounds really weird Terri! I am sure that the problem is totally with her, not you. I am sure that you could change any little thing about you and it wouldn't matter. Some people just don't like others, and have no justification for it. To me, it sounds like she has some issues. Does she have a lot of family of her own? Are they allowed to parties? If so, that is not fair that you are not, and your son may need to stand up to her. Have you realy tried hard to get through to your son about what the problem is? She will probably not go for it, but maybe you can go on an outing with her and try to talk. If you have exhausted every resource, than the only thing you can do is just wait for her to come around (if she does). How long has this been going on for, by the way?
And it sounds like anyone would be lucky to have you for a MIL! In my experiences and in my family it always seems the other way around, the mothers hate the son's wives/girlfriends. I have been the hated girlfriend before (for no good reason), and I admit, it does stink.
Hope everything works out!
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-Sheri
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Wow, Sheri. You made me feel so much better about this. She is an only child and her mother cut off the relationships on her Dad's side of the family. She only associates with her Mom's side and there's not very many of them.
Yes, her side is allowed to parties.
This has been going on for about 7 years now. It's just steadily gotten worse and deteriorated to what it is now.
I have always accepted everyone of my son's girlfriends. Always! And, of course, I accept my dil, too. I love so many things about her.
My son did tell me that there's one thing left that I could do, but I haven't done it yet. He told me to write her a letter. I have no idea what to say though because I'm so afraid that I will say something wrong. Do you have any ideas about what I might say in a letter to her?
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Definately would tread carefully in a letter, it is permanent evidence! 
Yes, you are right that words will need to be chosen carefully. I would stay away from anything confrontational that makes it sound like she is at fault (even though she is). You love so many things about her, make sure you find a way to weave them in. Let her know that your faimilies happiness means everything to you, and that she is a BIG part of your family, she even started a new generation of you! If you feel she is a good mother, compliment her on that. Say taht you could never dream for a better dil, you are lucky your son found someone so special that treats him right (if she does).
Point out that even if it seems like the two of you are too different to get along, that you already have things in common: Loving your son (her husband) and your grandchildren (her children)
Apologize for the fact that maybe you weren't outward wnough with trying to show her that you care. (this is a good idea because hse may think you don't like her, or just not feel comfortable around you, might be intimidated, etc). Let her know that you are realizing life is too short, and one day when your time is almost up you don't want to have regrets that you weren't able to bring your family together. maybe spread the heat off of you alittle bit and mention the whole family, and that you are writing since you are Mom, and it is Mom's job to bind the family together.
i am usually better at this stuff, but having a dry spell today. These are just ideas, feel free to use, tweak, say the opposite, etc. I know sometimes just reading ideas is enough to get that one spark, and before you know it you wrote a book. You want to be true, don't write anything that you would not be comfortable with. and if you are being phony it will show and probably turn her off. maybe inlude a tiny peace-gift? Does she have a favortie thing, like say dolphins for example? You could include a dolphin something or the other. Or if you are both very religious, a religious token might be in order. I know back in the day when I was a practicing catholic, I gave my sister a Virgin Mary watch medal after we were fighting. My mother had also gave them to her sisters after thier grandmother died, so it had significance.
Again, like I said, just ideas! nad make sure you proofread! I am asure Bev or someone in your family that knows you well would do a great job!
Good luck! And let us know how it goes! Even if it doesn't work, atleast you will have peace over it, because you can honestly say that you gave your all!
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-Sheri
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Wow Terri, she is lucky to have a MIL who cares so much about family and loving and respecting one another. Myself, I could use all the supportive and loving people in my life that I could get.
Our family is pretty much into their own lives and we don't really spend much time together except for my mom.
I don't know what advice to give you besides what Sheri has already offered. Just wanted to say how much I respect your value of family!
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Wow, Terri! It definitely sounds like the problem is her, and not at all you! I can't imagine anyone not liking you. 
What striked me as sort of odd is your son telling you to write a letter. How can you write a letter about a problem that you know nothing about? It is unfair for your son to expect you to correct the problem without being told what the problem is. 
It certainly sounds bizzare and I definitely agree with Sheri about maybe it's because she's an only child.
I really wish I had more advice to offer you.  I just hope everything works out in the end and she realizes what a wonderful woman you are!
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- Jennifer
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I know it's VERY rare but my Mom (mil) is my best friend, hands down. It took a few years but once we worked through a couple things and I understood how genuinely and unconditionally she cares about me, our relationship just BLOSSOMED. I talk to her every day about everything under the sun.
I think sometimes it comes down to personality issues and there's not much you can do about that. My mother loves me, I know that, but she doesn't understand me and I dont' understand her. Since I was about 12 I've felt older than her and as though I've been protecting HER instead of the other way around. So I would not say we were close and sometimes being with her just exhausts me. We also have a lot of baggage. On the flipside, "mom" and I are just TOO MUCH alike, it's pretty funny sometimes, so it's no surprise that we feel at ease with one another.
I'd say just be genuine and a good listener and there's not much else you can do. The effort has to be 2 way and if it's not, then that is not your fault. Hugs!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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No. I have a gem of a mother-in-law! She respects me as her son's wife, and unless asked, does not offer unsolicited advice. She loves me as I am for who I am, and as a result, the feeling is very mutual. We get on each other's nerves about some things, but that's when we know to sort of limit our interaction. It is a great relationship - one that I treasure. I can actually share more with her than anyone else at times. Keep the faith! Sorry yours is not an ideal relationship.
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God is Faithful!
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Quote:
It's not just me though, she hates everybody in the family; my husband, my other kids and their kids and my parents, etc....
This year, she didn't come to Christmas. My son and his kids came by themselves. I missed her, but my son didn't and neither did their children. They had a great time and stayed later than they normally would have.
Why are you trying so hard to please someone who deliberately makes you feel bad? She sounds like a generally unpleasant person to me. Remember, you're not a door mat.
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we both have issues with and want to hide from.. my MIL is a wonderful lady for all her mental shortcomings post her stroke.. and always has been.. and is local and there if we need her, but without being overbearing.. mom calls almost daily.. and when she lives int he same town as one of her kids (she and my sister lived 40 minutes apart for awhile) dropped in unexpectedly at importune times and wouldn't leave!
MIL rarely comes here and only when invited... actually I wish she would come by more...
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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I dont see how in the world you could possibly fix this situation. I use the word fix, because it looks to me that you would do anything, if you only knew what caused the problem, to make things better. That does not look like it is going to happen any time soon. This girl is mean, insecure, hateful, and sad, to waste the life she has been given. So many of us would LOVE to have a mothing in law just like you! I know it causes you such despair to not be able to spend time with your son and grandchildren.
The only thing I can think of,maybe you should invite your son and grandchildren over more often. Maybe try it a few weeks before thier birthdays and have a special party together, so they can see your love for them. I am sure that you have probably tried to talk to him about all of this. Actually, HE is in the position to change it all.
I have a dil who is jealous, mean spirited,selfish,.....and she is raising my 2 grandsons from my sons previous marriage. Then she has her child with my son. She is constantly calling me and telling me all of his faults, about all of thier arguements, and fights. She of course "didn't do anything to deserve any of it". OH, she is the consumate liar, if the truth hit her in the face, she would never see it. THis is a very difficult situation to live with, she made a very ugly scene at my mom's on Christmas Eve, and at my mil's on Christmas Day. Right now, I would be happy if she never graced my door again. She defintely hurt my mom's feelings, my mil has no feelings. And, I am going to tell her she owes my mom an apology, it will never happen, but I wont forgive myself if I dont tell her to do it. We have had many heated discussions about the things she has the nerve to say about my son. It has done no good, I guess the next time she does it, I am going to tell her not to do it again, then I am going to hang up the phone. Then I will tell my son about it, all of it. I have gone to him so many times, only when she tells horrible mean spirited lies about him, myself and my husband. I do not want to be involved in thier personal lives, but she does everything she can think of to keep me involved. The only reason I answer the phone when she calls is my grandchildren might need me. Sorry if I have repeated things I have already told you, but hopefully if someone reads this, I might be able to help them in their pain also.
I understand how you feel Terri, I am so worried about my little boys living in her influence. Their biological mother left them when the younger one was about 3 months and I helped my son until he met this girl. UGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I do not know what to do about this either, right now, I dont know if I really want to do anything about it.
Terri, just keep on keeping on. I am praying for you and your family, also that your son and mine wake up and take control of the situation before it is too late.
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Hi Terri,
I don't know why anybody wouldn't like you.. You are so sweet.
I have a great relationship with my DIL. She likes me better than her Mom who is a busybody and always interfering. I'm always sending her cute little gifts or e-mails to let her know I love her. She is always e-mailing me pics of my new grandbaby cause she knows I miss her. I am sure not to interfere either. That's very important. Even though I don't always agree with what she does I respect her ideas and keep my mouth shut.
I can't imagine your DIL is so hateful to shut the door in your face..How rude! Have you thought about calling and telling her that you have a little gift for her and then she would surely let you in. Maybe that would break the ice. Or send her a "thinking of you" greeting card.
I wish your son would be some help in finding out what the problem is. Could it be religious or political issues?
I know this must be hard on you and I hope the situation gets better very soon.
Barbie
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Have someone who cares about you to proof read it. And, make a copy of it, should you need to show your son at a later date.
Try to set up a lunch date with her, take her a small gift, something that you know would touch her. If she doesnt respond after this, then you surely have done all you can do.
Except, dont forget the most important thing, pray for her every day, pray, pray, pray. I have seen it, prayer does change things.
You are so good, sweet and caring Terri. I think maybe the only role model has is her mom, and that is a sad one. She could feel that she is turning her back on her mom by being good to you, a short coming on her part. I wish I had you for a mil, OMGosh, the fun we could have had together!
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Whoa...
#133216 - 12/27/04 03:42 PM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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Honestly, Terri, she sounds... not quite right. I mean, personalities clash, and I think it's still within the realm of normal to not get along with someone who's perfectly nice. But to slam the door in ANYONE's face is beyond rude - and when it's someone you're related to, even "just" by marriage, that's just not even normal civil human behavior. Sounds to me like she has issues. I don't see that any of this is your fault.
As for liking in-laws... I have mixed feelings about my boyfriend's family, who will someday be my in-laws. I believe they're good people, but their personalities don't mesh with mine and they work my nerves something awful. Even so, my mother raised me right and I'm polite and friendly and make a sincere effort to get along with them for my boyfriend's sake. I would NEVER do anything deliberately rude and insulting to them.
Anyway... I wish I had advice, it sounds like an awful situation. Has your son said anything to her? I mean, if anything, it's kind of his place to try to smooth things over - the way I see it, you've done everything right!
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Sheri
#133240 - 12/27/04 06:43 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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Sheri,
Your ideas for the letter are absolutely perfect. I love this. If you happen to think of anything else, please let me know. This just sounds almost perfect to me. For some reason my mind has been blank, but I love getting your younger perspective on things. It's perfect! I'm definitely stealing your ideas, and almost word for word!
Terri
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Michelle
#133243 - 12/27/04 06:47 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
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I'm glad to hear that you have a good mil, Michelle. It gives me hope to keep trying.
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Brian
#133245 - 12/27/04 06:57 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I do this because I love my son and I don't want to be the cause of anything bad in his life. With this kind of trouble, our relationship suffers and how long will it be before my grandchildren pick up on this, and don't want to see me? I want to be able to have a clear conscience and I'll do that by trying everything I can. I know I'm not a door mat, but I appreciate the reminder.
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Gayla
#133247 - 12/27/04 07:10 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I think you're right about just keeping on. I'm not one to quit easily, but I am ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired of trying, but I'm going to try writing a letter. Sheri gave me some great ideas on what actually to say, and that's what I've been needing.
My son is the type who will do anything to avoid confrontation. He just doesn't handle it well at all. He's not going to take on his wife, and I don't want to put him in the position of having to do so. That would only make her dislike me even more.
You sure have your hands full with your in law troubles, Gayla. I think it's about the worst I've ever heard of. Good grief, how on earth do you manage????
You must worry about your grandsons so much. Do they live close to you, too? It's no wonder you have ibs, Gayla. You must be really strong, cause a normal person would have folded up long ago.
I don't really see a solution for your problem with your dil. Maybe I'm lucky that mine doesn't speak to me, because at least I don't have to worry about any hateful things being said to me.
Whew! Sounds like you may need another cruise before too long.
Terri
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Gayla
#133248 - 12/27/04 07:12 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
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I think you're right about just keeping on. I'm not one to quit easily, but I am ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired of trying, but I'm going to try writing a letter. I've got some great ideas on what actually to say, and that's what I've been needing.
My son is the type who will do anything to avoid confrontation. He just doesn't handle it well at all. He's not going to take on his wife, and I don't want to put him in the position of having to do so. That would only make her dislike me even more.
You sure have your hands full with your in law troubles, Gayla. I think it's about the worst I've ever heard of. Good grief, how on earth do you manage????
You must worry about your grandsons so much. Do they live close to you, too? It's no wonder you have ibs, Gayla. You must be really strong, cause a normal person would have folded up long ago.
I don't really see a solution for your problem with your dil. Maybe I'm lucky that mine doesn't speak to me, because at least I don't have to worry about any hateful things being said to me.
Whew! Sounds like you may need another cruise before too long.
Terri
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Barbie
#133251 - 12/27/04 07:32 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
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I really have no idea at all what the problem is. You'd think I'd have a clue, wouldn't you? But, I honestly don't. I've tried to do everything perfect: I mind my own business, I never give advice, never, ever; I've offered to babysit whenever they might need me (but I never get to , I always go out of my way to deliver birthday presents and I always get her something special for her birthdays. This isn't always easy, because I'm not allowed in her house when she's there. I send cards, and I try to call (but, i'm not kidding about her never answering the phone.) I mean NEVER! I haven't seen my dil since last Christmas. I thought everything went fine that day. I made a special effort to talk with her about her knitting projects and sincerely complemented her work. (She's extremely talented.) I thought we had a wonderful time. She also thanked me for my gift to her and said she loved it. That was a first, so I thought I'd finally succeeded. But, like I said, I haven't seen her since and they only live 45 minutes away.
After reading all these posts, I'm thinking that the problem might be with her. Maybe she has some kind of extreme insecurity or something??? I don't know. It's very frustrating and like you said, puzzling!
I don't think it's religious or political. I don't talk religion or politics with anybody but my husband; unless they ask. My son has discussed this stuff with me, but even when we disagree we are very civil about it. That's one of the things I've always liked about our relationship. We can be different and think different, but still respect one another. We don't argue, we just discuss. I like that. Oops, I got sidetracked.
Anyway, I just don't know what happened or when. I just don't know.
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Casey
#133252 - 12/27/04 07:42 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
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I agree with you Casey. I also think it's perfectly normal to not get along with somebody who is nice. I like how you worded that. As a matter of fact, I don't hold it against her that she doesn't like me. She doesn't have to. But, I can't help but wonder why and wonder if there's something else I can do. I think I worry because I'm afraid it will eventually impact my relationship with my son and my grandchildren.
I commend you highly for not being rude or insulting to your boyfriend's parents. I understand personalities clashing and I think that in-law relationships can be the most uncomfortable of all relationships, but at least you're trying. Your mama did raise you right!!
Terri
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Not Everybody!
#133254 - 12/27/04 07:49 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Hi Terri,
It doesn't sound like there's anything YOU have done to cause this rift between you. It could be something that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you. As I'm sure you know, "IN-LAWS" are a bad word. It's hard enough for young people to learn to get along with each other, let alone being thrown into a whole new parenting thing.
I'd "lay low" for awhile. Let things calm down with the DIL. If she's a sensible person, eventually she'll find her way. Obviously she doesn't need you right now, nor does she WANT you right now. There's nothing you can do about that, RIGHT NOW. Later, hopefully it'll be a different story. But right now, let it go.
Relish the fabulous relationships you have with the rest of your family. It's a gift that God gave you, as I am sure you so well know, and one which very few enjoy.
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hi TeeCee,
My situation wasn't exactly with a mother in law, but it was with a very serious boyfriend that I had for many years in highschool and the beginning of college.
While I didn't HATE his mother, alot of the time I was very uncomfortable around her. She tended to be very jealous of the time we spent together and the fact that her son had found love with another woman besides herself. This made me avoid her like the plague because she made it really uncomfortable for me to be around her.
I'm not sure if it was because it was her oldest son, and I know mothers and sons hold a special bond etc. (well i don't know- but thats what I heard) but it was hard. One specific example was one day my ex boyfriends mother had asked to go out for chinese food and he couldn't because he had to study alot. The next afternoon for lunch me and my ex ended up going out for chinese food, and unfortunately his mother found out. When she asked what we did when we came home and we told her thinking nothing of it. She ended up crying in front of me- asking him why he would take me when he wouldn't take her the night before. I mean, you can imagine how crappy I felt standing there while his mother cried because of me. It sucked. but at the same time, I mean we were in love so I didn't really understand why she was so upset.
Anyways, haha long story short, I know personally I tried to continue to make a relationship with her no matter how uncomfortable I was. It was obvious that she was attached to her son deeply, so it was important for me to also have a relationship with her to ever have her approval. Hopefully your DIL will come around and try to make amends. good luck and i'll cross my fingers for you.
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Bevrs
#133258 - 12/27/04 08:10 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I hope you'll make more appearances on the boards, because we all miss your wonderful words of wisdom.
Hmmm, you may be right. Maybe she just needs some time. Your words sounds so practical. Well, you've got me thinking that I might make things worse by trying to force myself on her with a letter. I hadn't thought of it quite like that before. I've got to think on this before I act, that's for sure.
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I'm sorry to hear about your son. It seems like this woman is causing unnecessary grief in your life and to your family. That is simply not right. Perhaps, you could just take care of yourself, for now; and let the dil's hostility burn itself out.
It's unfortunate that some people never seem to "get that grip" on the consequences of their "inter"actions and do damage to relationships. Hopefully, this will not cause too much of that kind of damage to your relationship with your son and his children.
I can't really begin to give you tangible, step-by-step advice as to what to do with this situation. This is because I am going through something similar. And, I'm seeking therapy from a psychologist -sent an introductory email to him, today  . Hey, it's about getting well and staying well. No pride; no shame.
I've found that if one puts in effort towards resolving a conflict or long-standing issue, it does get better. In other words, make the effort and the situation will improve...be the result is unplugging yourself from the dil until she "grows up and realizes it's about the kids, now, and not her", seeking some kind of counsel through therapy, a clergy member, wise confidante... or using some other tried and true alternative. Time can be a great healer, too.
It's truly sad that in this world we have times when it get too difficult to simply enjoy our time with each other (especially family) and make the best of our relationships. And, being a person who stays in recovery (it's in the contract!) this means that if something is keeping me sick, I have it healed it as if you would any other malady. And also sadly, this woman seems to simply be a malady in your life. It needs to be healed with our without her involvement.
-a few thoughts on the matter sent from someone who has to heal his heart quite often.
Dumas. 
Edited by RDumas (12/27/04 08:32 PM)
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Thanks. I really appreciate your insights on this subject. I've been trying to fix this, but I suppose healing is a good way of wording it. With or without her is right. This all kinda goes along with what bevrs had to say.
I hope you have good success in the healing of your own relationships.
Terri
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Thank you. There's an expression:
God loves effort.
Dumas.
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Oh Terri...she sounds like a nightmare...I'm sorry to say this but I don't think there is anything that you can do...sounds like you have been so tolerant and wonderful...I have heard of a few dil like that that just take control for the sake of it..made me so angry to hear how she treats you...there marriage can't be such a great one...poor kids too...so sad to hear that you are going through that. you are such a sweet woman. hugs. sorry couldn't have given any better advice..
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I really love my mil - and I do everything to love her because the only way is to make it work for everyone's sake...its hard for all people involved when a new person enters a family - unforunately some people respond to the nerves by getting their back and defences up...its just not the way - unfortunately your dil doesn't seem to have worked that one out.
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Re:TeeCee
#133274 - 12/27/04 09:10 PM
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gigi
Reged: 03/21/04
Posts: 1442
Loc: South Texas
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Hey Terri, my dil is an only child too. I too can't imagine anyone not liking you. You are such a special person, and I am so honored to have been accepted by you for a friend. Prayers for you all.
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Oh Terri --
Don't you have enough going on with the scary situation after the birth of your other grandchild? I can't believe your entire family isn't rallying around you. If my SIL ever acted this way to my mom, she'd be in tears and my dad would be furious. When my SIL was pregnant, and right after the baby was born, she was SUPER crabby, and even that was more than most of us could deal with. Thankfully she's back to normal, but I know that she really bruised my feelings and my mom and dad's. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to endure even more extreme treatment on a long-term basis.
I really wish I had some advice for you, but as I'm neither a DIL nor an MIL, I don't really have too much experience. I know that there is no behavior that deserves this kind of treatment, so it's impossible that you've done anything to deserve this. I'm on the fence about whether you should follow Sheri's advice and send a letter, or follow Bev's and leave it alone. I definitely agree with Gayla that praying about it is always a good idea, and praying for her will help you see her as someone to empathize with and feel compassionate towards, even if you hate her behavior right now. If you can't actually resolve the situation, the next best thing is to try to minimize the effects that you are worried about. You mentioned that you are mostly worried about how her attitude and behavior will make your grandkids see you. If that's the truth, and I believe it is, then forget about trying to change your DIL's opinion of you and just work on molding your grandkids' opinions of you. Send them lots of cards all the time to let them know you are thinking of them. Invite them to come have a sleepover at grandma's (unless you think the DIL won't let them, and will get even angrier at you for asking. I definitely think that for this sort of thing you should suggest it to your son first, as it's pretty inappropriate to invite children over without asking the parents first). Do not ever say anything bad about their mother in front of them. You should praise her as much as possible, so that if they hear anything negative about you from her, they'll know she's the one who is acting strange, not you. I would resist the urge to shower them with material gifts -- just not a good idea in general, and your DIL will probably see any new toys or dolls that come from you as some sort of encroachment on her territory. I don't know how old they are, but if they use email at all, I bet they'd think it was pretty cool to get an email from grandma. They'd also be able to reply privately back to you without their mother overhearing a phone conversation or something. Go to all their school plays if you can (not sure how close they live). As for the birthday parties issue, which I think is probably the most hurtful, I would go along with the suggestion about having a little pre-birthday celebration at your house for the kids. I know when I was little I had about 4 birthday parties every year (one for my classmates, one at my grandmother's, one with my parents, another one at my aunt's house ...) and I certainly didn't think it was excessive!
It probably doesn't help to know you are right and she is wrong, because that means your hands are pretty much tied and there is nothing more you can do. I'd say back off for a good long while, focus on your relationship with your grandkids, and then, if that doesn't work, send a very small thinking of you greeting card, not a long, emotionally-charged letter, and write one or two lines about how you think she has so many valuable qualities and would love to get to know her better. This next suggestion probably goes against all things feminist and any idea of self-respect, but my mom and I always use the technique of apologizing even when we know we've done nothing wrong -- if your goal is to mend fences, then who cares if the other person gets that little bit of gratitude, if it will make them more amenable to you? You could say something like I'm sorry that I've become more like a stranger than your mother in law -- I'd like to get to know you better and be your friend. I mean you can tone down the cheese factor a little but I think short and sweet is good and unintimidating. If you give her the opportunity to "forgive" you, even though you and she know you haven't done anything wrong, it will make it easier for her because she won't have to swallow her pride and apologize to you. And you shouldn't wait around for an apology from her in order to forgive her. You'll feel better in your own heart (and in your belly) and be setting a good example for your kids and grandkids if you simply quietly forgive her in your heart, give up any grudge, and don't wait for an apology.
Sorry, I'm long-winded tonight ... reading too much legal stuff!
Panda
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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dalia
#133293 - 12/27/04 10:19 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I sure hope your mil knows how lucky she is to have you for a dil. Thanks for your support, sweetie!
Terri
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Gayla
#133294 - 12/27/04 10:27 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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Wow, Gayla. I'm very, very honored to have you for a friend as well. I always look forward to the times we "talk". Isn't this board just wonderful? I've met so many special people here that I would never have known if it weren't for this computer age. I love this place. Thanks for your prayers and your friendship,
Terri
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Panda
#133295 - 12/27/04 10:39 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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Quote:
You could say something like I'm sorry that I've become more like a stranger than your mother in law -- I'd like to get to know you better and be your friend. I mean you can tone down the cheese factor a little but I think short and sweet is good and unintimidating. If you give her the opportunity to "forgive" you, even though you and she know you haven't done anything wrong, it will make it easier for her because she won't have to swallow her pride and apologize to you. Wow, how true this is!!!! I like these thoughts. I hadn't thought of this approach and it would make it easier for her. Yep, that's a good idea.
Even though you're not a dil or mil yet, I think you're very insightful and knowledgeable. You're right about the forgiveness thing and praying for her would certainly help me do that. Thanks for all your help, Panda. You have some great ideas! I'm going to save this thread, so I can refer to it as needed. .
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she succeeds in making it very difficult to like her. I remember there were times when she could be very nice, she has come to my house in emergencies and helped. One time I poured boiling water down the my chest, (don't ask ) she ran water in the bathtub, had my fil bring ice, filled the tub and had me lay in it to stop the burning. She held my hand and talked to me as long as I was in pain to keep me calm. The next day she was back to being her old self.
If I spend my time hating her, I would have so many more health problems, not to mention a bitter attitude. That is not me, I want to be happy and enjoy the life I have been given. In turn, she can sit in her house by herself, she has turned her family away from her because of her hateful ways. That is sad, so very sad.
Right now, I have had a tension headache for about 2 weeks, I have to find a way to put my dil in her happy place and leave her there so that I can continue to heal my self, heart, mind, and soul. Thats the only way I can survive.
Any ideas?
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Terri,
I don't have a good answer for you on this. I just send you hugs and prayers that maybe all of this can be fixed.
I also have a similer situation although my son is not married yet he does have a fiance'. She does not like us either why I don't really know.
I hope you can at least see your son and grand kids.
Best of luck for you and your family
Terry
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Well, I guess we have more in common than just our names, don't we? It is a difficult situation and one that may not have an easy solution. I'm thinking that maybe backing off and taking a rest from it, might be the best thing for now; for all of us. Good luck to you,
Terri
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Terri,
These kind of these are hard to deal with. Backing off may work, it's always worth a shot.
We have not seen our son but one time in a 1/1/2 years because of this fiance' of his. Last Christmas he called and said Merry Christmas this year he did not.
His sister called him at the fiance's parents house on Christmas and the long and short of that he said he did not want to talk to any of his family and she heard him say it from his own mouth.
Wasn't nice, she just wanted to wish him happy holidays and let him know he would be an Uncle real soon. Our daughter is expecting a baby any day now. Apparently he wasn't interested.
This seems very strange but this girl is an only child as well. I don't know if that really has anything to do with it or not.I tried very hard to get along with her and I thought we were getting along fine until last year before Thanksgiving she had my son tell me over the phone she did not like being around us.
By the way this year and last year she sent a Christmas card with pictures of the two of them. This year she sent pictures with him on his knees giving her a ring.
She claims to be a Christian but I find it hard to believe.
Christians usually don't behave that way.
We did notlet that keep us from having a very nice holiday however.
One day maybe he will wake up and remember he has a family too.This is all from a Fiance' not a wife I shutter to think what will happen when they are married. I have always told her and my son that all I want is for him to be happy, so I'm not sure what her problem really is.
Oh by the way the worst part of this is I have a younger son at home who is 15 that gets hurt in this , which to me that is the most hurtful thing about this whole mess.
Well enough already. I hope that we all can fix our broken family's and have peace and love in the future.
Terry
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Sorry to be so blunt and brutal, but this girl sounds like a wack job. If your son loves you and your family, he should divorce her and get custody of the children. It is not you at all, it is her. I am sure you are a great MIL, and have done nothing wrong. If she is so disrepectful to his family, that is the same as being disrepectful to him. Good luck!
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Terri
#134534 - 01/03/05 05:52 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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How is your daughter and granddaughter? Please post pictures! I wanna see the baby!
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Hi Terri,
I'm sorry you're having problems with your daughter-in-law. I get along fine with my mother-in-law, though I think it does take some effort on each of our parts as we're very different. But I've known her a very long time and we do love each other. Though it does sound like there's something strange going on with your dil (I would never slam the door on a relative, regardless of what they did), it might be possible you've done something with the best of intentions that really upset her. My mil has a great heart but she does have a few personality flaws that tend to really aggravate me. For one, when she gives gifts she always gives what SHE would like and never thinks about what her son or I would like. Though I appreciate getting a gift at all, it does make me feel like she's not really interested in who I am as a person, or that she doesn't know me or her son very well. Secondly, she tends to valorize her sons (including my husband) and ignore the fact that (though he is the love of my life) he has some flaws as well. When she makes statements that make him sound perfect, it's really annoying. While she doesn't exactly blame me, she holds me accountable for the fact that he didn't finish college on time (NOT my fault- I told him I wouldn't marry him until he got his darn thesis done), moved away, became a vegetarian, etc. Every life choice he's made, as a grown adult, that she disagrees with she attributes to me. I'm far from perfect, but darn it, so is he. I choose to ignore those though, and focus on the good qualities of my mother-in-law, something that it sounds like your dil would be unwilling to do. Really, I think the problem you have here is with your son. Even if he tries to avoid conflict, he's the one who currently has a relationship with both of you, and he's the only one who knows what the heck is going on. I think he needs to step up and take an active part in trying to fix this- if it doesn't matter enough to him to do so that might be a bigger problem than whatever's going on with the dil. At least that's my two cents.
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