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Gayla
#133247 - 12/27/04 07:10 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I think you're right about just keeping on. I'm not one to quit easily, but I am ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired of trying, but I'm going to try writing a letter. Sheri gave me some great ideas on what actually to say, and that's what I've been needing.
My son is the type who will do anything to avoid confrontation. He just doesn't handle it well at all. He's not going to take on his wife, and I don't want to put him in the position of having to do so. That would only make her dislike me even more.
You sure have your hands full with your in law troubles, Gayla. I think it's about the worst I've ever heard of. Good grief, how on earth do you manage????
You must worry about your grandsons so much. Do they live close to you, too? It's no wonder you have ibs, Gayla. You must be really strong, cause a normal person would have folded up long ago.
I don't really see a solution for your problem with your dil. Maybe I'm lucky that mine doesn't speak to me, because at least I don't have to worry about any hateful things being said to me.
Whew! Sounds like you may need another cruise before too long.
Terri
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Gayla
#133248 - 12/27/04 07:12 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I think you're right about just keeping on. I'm not one to quit easily, but I am ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired of trying, but I'm going to try writing a letter. I've got some great ideas on what actually to say, and that's what I've been needing.
My son is the type who will do anything to avoid confrontation. He just doesn't handle it well at all. He's not going to take on his wife, and I don't want to put him in the position of having to do so. That would only make her dislike me even more.
You sure have your hands full with your in law troubles, Gayla. I think it's about the worst I've ever heard of. Good grief, how on earth do you manage????
You must worry about your grandsons so much. Do they live close to you, too? It's no wonder you have ibs, Gayla. You must be really strong, cause a normal person would have folded up long ago.
I don't really see a solution for your problem with your dil. Maybe I'm lucky that mine doesn't speak to me, because at least I don't have to worry about any hateful things being said to me.
Whew! Sounds like you may need another cruise before too long.
Terri
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Barbie
#133251 - 12/27/04 07:32 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I really have no idea at all what the problem is. You'd think I'd have a clue, wouldn't you? But, I honestly don't. I've tried to do everything perfect: I mind my own business, I never give advice, never, ever; I've offered to babysit whenever they might need me (but I never get to  , I always go out of my way to deliver birthday presents and I always get her something special for her birthdays. This isn't always easy, because I'm not allowed in her house when she's there. I send cards, and I try to call (but, i'm not kidding about her never answering the phone.) I mean NEVER! I haven't seen my dil since last Christmas. I thought everything went fine that day. I made a special effort to talk with her about her knitting projects and sincerely complemented her work. (She's extremely talented.) I thought we had a wonderful time. She also thanked me for my gift to her and said she loved it. That was a first, so I thought I'd finally succeeded. But, like I said, I haven't seen her since and they only live 45 minutes away.
After reading all these posts, I'm thinking that the problem might be with her. Maybe she has some kind of extreme insecurity or something??? I don't know. It's very frustrating and like you said, puzzling!
I don't think it's religious or political. I don't talk religion or politics with anybody but my husband; unless they ask. My son has discussed this stuff with me, but even when we disagree we are very civil about it. That's one of the things I've always liked about our relationship. We can be different and think different, but still respect one another. We don't argue, we just discuss. I like that. Oops, I got sidetracked.
Anyway, I just don't know what happened or when. I just don't know.
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Casey
#133252 - 12/27/04 07:42 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I agree with you Casey. I also think it's perfectly normal to not get along with somebody who is nice. I like how you worded that. As a matter of fact, I don't hold it against her that she doesn't like me. She doesn't have to. But, I can't help but wonder why and wonder if there's something else I can do. I think I worry because I'm afraid it will eventually impact my relationship with my son and my grandchildren.
I commend you highly for not being rude or insulting to your boyfriend's parents. I understand personalities clashing and I think that in-law relationships can be the most uncomfortable of all relationships, but at least you're trying. Your mama did raise you right!!
Terri
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Not Everybody!
#133254 - 12/27/04 07:49 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Hi Terri,
It doesn't sound like there's anything YOU have done to cause this rift between you. It could be something that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you. As I'm sure you know, "IN-LAWS" are a bad word. It's hard enough for young people to learn to get along with each other, let alone being thrown into a whole new parenting thing.
I'd "lay low" for awhile. Let things calm down with the DIL. If she's a sensible person, eventually she'll find her way. Obviously she doesn't need you right now, nor does she WANT you right now. There's nothing you can do about that, RIGHT NOW. Later, hopefully it'll be a different story. But right now, let it go.
Relish the fabulous relationships you have with the rest of your family. It's a gift that God gave you, as I am sure you so well know, and one which very few enjoy.
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hi TeeCee,
My situation wasn't exactly with a mother in law, but it was with a very serious boyfriend that I had for many years in highschool and the beginning of college.
While I didn't HATE his mother, alot of the time I was very uncomfortable around her. She tended to be very jealous of the time we spent together and the fact that her son had found love with another woman besides herself. This made me avoid her like the plague because she made it really uncomfortable for me to be around her.
I'm not sure if it was because it was her oldest son, and I know mothers and sons hold a special bond etc. (well i don't know- but thats what I heard) but it was hard. One specific example was one day my ex boyfriends mother had asked to go out for chinese food and he couldn't because he had to study alot. The next afternoon for lunch me and my ex ended up going out for chinese food, and unfortunately his mother found out. When she asked what we did when we came home and we told her thinking nothing of it. She ended up crying in front of me- asking him why he would take me when he wouldn't take her the night before. I mean, you can imagine how crappy I felt standing there while his mother cried because of me. It sucked. but at the same time, I mean we were in love so I didn't really understand why she was so upset.
Anyways, haha long story short, I know personally I tried to continue to make a relationship with her no matter how uncomfortable I was. It was obvious that she was attached to her son deeply, so it was important for me to also have a relationship with her to ever have her approval. Hopefully your DIL will come around and try to make amends. good luck and i'll cross my fingers for you.
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Bevrs
#133258 - 12/27/04 08:10 PM
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MissS
Reged: 02/11/04
Posts: 837
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I hope you'll make more appearances on the boards, because we all miss your wonderful words of wisdom.
Hmmm, you may be right. Maybe she just needs some time. Your words sounds so practical. Well, you've got me thinking that I might make things worse by trying to force myself on her with a letter. I hadn't thought of it quite like that before. I've got to think on this before I act, that's for sure.
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I'm sorry to hear about your son. It seems like this woman is causing unnecessary grief in your life and to your family. That is simply not right. Perhaps, you could just take care of yourself, for now; and let the dil's hostility burn itself out.
It's unfortunate that some people never seem to "get that grip" on the consequences of their "inter"actions and do damage to relationships. Hopefully, this will not cause too much of that kind of damage to your relationship with your son and his children.
I can't really begin to give you tangible, step-by-step advice as to what to do with this situation. This is because I am going through something similar. And, I'm seeking therapy from a psychologist -sent an introductory email to him, today  . Hey, it's about getting well and staying well. No pride; no shame.
I've found that if one puts in effort towards resolving a conflict or long-standing issue, it does get better. In other words, make the effort and the situation will improve...be the result is unplugging yourself from the dil until she "grows up and realizes it's about the kids, now, and not her", seeking some kind of counsel through therapy, a clergy member, wise confidante... or using some other tried and true alternative. Time can be a great healer, too.
It's truly sad that in this world we have times when it get too difficult to simply enjoy our time with each other (especially family) and make the best of our relationships. And, being a person who stays in recovery (it's in the contract!) this means that if something is keeping me sick, I have it healed it as if you would any other malady. And also sadly, this woman seems to simply be a malady in your life. It needs to be healed with our without her involvement.
-a few thoughts on the matter sent from someone who has to heal his heart quite often.
Dumas. 
Edited by RDumas (12/27/04 08:32 PM)
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Thanks. I really appreciate your insights on this subject. I've been trying to fix this, but I suppose healing is a good way of wording it. With or without her is right. This all kinda goes along with what bevrs had to say.
I hope you have good success in the healing of your own relationships.
Terri
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