Here we go again...family issues
#131721 - 12/20/04 03:51 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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My Dad is an alcholic (who denies he is).
He gets "depressed" and turns to alcohol, stops going to work, claims he is sick (usually a virus or a bug) and turns against everyone. He then has a huge row with as many of us are there at the time(Mam and kids), claims we are all turned against him, takes to bed full time for a couple of days and eventually stops drinking for a couple of months. The drinking phase can last from a week to a couple of months before the bed stage. During the drinking phase I beg my mother to leave him and take the kids out of that environment. He is not violent at all, just abusive and difficult.
His last binge was in August and because I was so sick with IBS and getting the tests done etc my Mam didn't tell me. She only let on to me when I was on hols with her in November.
This is what happened this morning-
I phoned home to talk to Mam but Dad answered the phone at 9.50am.
ME>Hi
HIM>(sorrowfully) Hi
ME>(surprised)..OH I was looking for Mam, is she not there?
HIM> She's at work (sigh)
ME>Oh. (lightheartedly) well, you'd want to get up and go to work too, why aren't you there?
HIM>(defiantly)I'm not going to work today
ME> Why?
HIM>(Aggressively)I don't ask you when you don't go to work
why you don't go
ME>(upset at outburst)Sorry, was just trying to show some concern....BYE..(Hangs up)
This may sound like a short, uncontroversial exchange but this really lays down what my Christmas is going to be like.
I want to scream and shout and call him every name under the sun, or maybe cry, I am just so tired of all of this now. 
WONDERFUL!
HO HO HO, can't wait for Christmas!
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S.
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I know how hard it must be with an alcoholic in the family. If he is abusive in any way, your Mam should leave him, but that's her choice. It usually takes alcoholics to hit total bottom before they admit there's a problem. There's not a lot you can do with him in denial. You can support your Mam with the difficulties she's facing, but that's about all you can do. It's up to your Dad to change and it's got to be his decision. Support your Mam. That's about all you can do at this point.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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BIG HUGE HUGS!!!! Honey I am so sorry this is happing!!! I wish I could give big hugs!! Remmber you have P and he is also your family now!! Enjoy your christmas with him!!! Until your dad wants to change there is nothing anyone can do for him!! I am going to e mail you later today!! Big hugs!!!!!
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Heather7476
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Oh Sinead I wish I could give you a big big hug! I really don't know what it's like to deal with that in your family so I don't have much advice, but having 3 brothers of my own and 2 still younger, I just think the best thing would be for you to make sure that you are there for them because they'll be less effected by it all if they have you I think, and then just make sure you support your mother. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this around Christmas time too. Like Heather said too, P is your family now and the 2 of you should make sure you have a fabulous time together. HUGS HUGS HUGS and I hope this time it doesn't last for very long. Feel free to email me too anytime you want 
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Thanks Han
#131752 - 12/20/04 06:01 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Thanks Han, we have just been through this so many times. Mam won't leave because (1) she won't let him get the house,she thinks if she leaves she will never get into it again (2) she thinks it wouldn't be fair to uproot the children. I have been through the argument with her so many times but she just will not listen.
My Dad is a lawyer and when they fight he tells her that she would lose the kids if they split up etc (such a lie) and that she would not get a barring order because he has never hit her and all this kind of stuff.
I have implored her to leave him so many times, but once he sobers up she forgets. That said, when he is sober he is very dismissive of her. I just worry and know that she would have a much better life without him.
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S.
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Sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know what resources there are in Ireland, but in the States, Alcoholics Anonymous has adjunct groups called Alanon, and Alateen, which are for family members of alcoholics. It won't help your dad get better but it might make things easier for you to handle.
You're in my prayers,
Panda
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Sinéad,
I know you're in a very hard situation. First of all, it won't do you any good to tell your Mam what you think she should do. Just like it won't help telling your father what he should do.
Your Mam's in a difficult spot and it's not easy for some folks to leave a spouse, even when they're so unhappy. Just try to love your Mam as best you can, and let her know you care about her. She must care for you a lot to have kept her own problems hidden from you, to protect you during your own troubles.
And dad? Well, I'd sure play the avoidance game as much as I could. What else can you do? Just be there for your mother and your brothers. Try to get through Christmas as best you can. Wow, it's a hard situation.
There are alcoholics scattered all through my family. But, thankfully, the ones who are still living have stopped the nasty habit and turned their lives around. It can happen, but only when they've had enough of themselves. I also had a grandfather who never changed and he died alone in his apartment. Someone found him there. He had driven away his entire family. So sad, isn't it?
My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer and her wish was to die in a bar with her bar friends. And, that's exactly what she did. Also, sad, isn't it?
I had another grandpa who quit drinking and changed and he became the light of my life. But, again, it's up to that person. Just love your family as best you can, and live your own life. Don't let anyone tie you down to their problems and hold you back from being who you need to be. Make sure you don't get too wrapped up in the problems of others to a point where you're not living your own life to the fullest. You have your life, and they have theirs.
And, of course, I'd say pray about it. Hey, it can't hurt!
Good luck to you,
Terri
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Heather
#131765 - 12/20/04 07:23 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Thanks Heather, hugs are really needed. I was talking to Mam and she was awake all night worrying about Christmas.
Padhraig will be spending Christmas with his Mum and brothers in Sligo, I will be spending it at home with my family, He will come down on 27th as we are going to a wedding, but its six hours drive for him.
Looking forward to your email later.
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S.
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Brittany
#131767 - 12/20/04 07:36 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Thanks Brittany, I will go home, it will just be harder. Its awful to see the way he carries on, but I love spending time with the rest of my family and am not going to let him spoil it.
Hugs gratefully accepted! Like I said to Heather, Padhraig and I are not spending Christmas together, he will be 6 hours drive away but I will see him on 24th and again on 27th so I will survuve.
I am going to concentrate on looking forward to our Paris trip in January!
I am so lucky to have Padhraig to keep me sane!
Thanks for your suppport
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S.
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Awww Sinead that stinks. My mom gets really irrational when she takes to the bottle, too. Ever since she has found out about wine and vodka I have had to get to know her as a different person. it can be tough.
Don't let your Dad get you down on Christmas if he is in a funk, focus on having fun iwth the large wonderful family of yours!
Hopefully your mom can talk some sense into him before the holidays hit 
Good luck
Sending hugs!
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-Sheri
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