The Christmas Day hassle- what do I do?
#127127 - 12/02/04 03:56 PM
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I am at a standby as to what to do about Christmas. Tradition has it that we have breakfast with our parents (lots of food), lunch at my hubby's parents and supper at my Aunt's which is an hour away.
Anyway, last year's Christmas was horrible for me - I was ready to be hospitalized with postpartum depression so I was in really bad shape. John picked fights with me that day and it was the worst. I felt so horrible on the way home I just cried. It was awful.
So this year, we're expected to do the same darn thing. Big breakfast, huge lunch and huge supper. I don't have a problem with the meals, but I do have a problem with cramming it all into one day! We don't get much time with either family, the kids need a nap and if they don't get it they're miserable.
So if we leave lunch early for naptime, we hardly see John's family. But at least the kids are happy for my Aunt's. If we stay longer, and skip the nap, they are miserable at my Aunt's.
It's a really big day for a 3 year old and a 1 year old. They will be exhausted by the end of the day and they do not travel the hour home very well when they're worn out. You'd think they'd sleep but no.
So if I make everybody and do what's expected of me, I have a miserable day because the kids are miserable. So I tried to change things a bit this year. I asked if we could skip the breakfast since we see both sets of parents that day anyway. My Dad might be hurt. I even tried and offered my HOUSE for my hubby's family to use for Christmas. It's tons bigger, with two huge farm tables that will easily seat 24 people (we eat off the floor at hubby's family farm), and a huge kitchen. My house would hold more people much more comfortably, and my babies could have their nap. Much to my hurt feelings, after they accepted my offer, they turned around and decided to hold it at the farm.
So if we go to my hubby's family, that's great, but they're hurt because we have to leave. So if we don't go to my Aunt's she'll be hurt. My Aunt is kinda in lunar orbit and doesn't really understand much anymore. I tried asking my Mother if she'd go for Christmas on another day and she said absolutely not. I'm trying desperately to sort this out but it's driving me nuts. No matter what I do I hit a brick wall and I'll have another nutty Christmas.
So what do I do now? Shut up and have another miserable holiday? I broached the subject with hubby and he couldn't understand my logic from the other options and how if would make anything any better. So I'm really on my own on this.
Advice?
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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she started it when her first was born... Christmas is for her, her hubby and their kids... if anyone else wants to go be with them- fine, she welcomes them, just let her know when you'll be there... otherwise.. we can do it another day (her mom does it the weekend before or on New Years depending on the year now) or we can do ti without them...
Doesn't hurt me that we dont' do anything with them and aren't expected somewhere- better for me as the Jewish Daughter in Law who was always expected to show up.. now we do gifts and a dinner at some point during the holiday season.. last year it was during Chanukah, this year with Chanukah so early its in between the 2.. and I can go back to making lots of overtime and working on Christmas day!
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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WOW!!! that is alot for people to expect of you with two little kids!!! I would do what is best and easiest for you and yours!! If other people get hurt feelings then they are not very understanding people!! We go to my In laws on Christmas eve and then my dads christmas day!!! That is the plan every year and no matter what I stick to it!! I refuse to spend christams in a car!!! I hope you can figure out a good soultion!!! I realy hope you can have a merry christmas!!! I am not realy looking forward to it this year!! Rich has to work Christmas eve and day 7am to 7 pm!!!! YYYUUUKKKKK!!!!
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Heather7476
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I totally agree with Heather. You should do what's best for you and yours. I'm a Mom and I have all my family over to my house on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Well, this year my son had the gall to call me and tell me that they weren't coming over for Thanksgiving. He said that we could come see him on the Saturday before, but that they'd made other plans for the big day this year.
Well, this was the first Thanksgiving in his entire life that I haven't seen him. Yes, I reacted just like you'd think a Mom would. I was hurt. I cried. Blah, blah, blah. But, guess what? After a couple of days, I'd already adjusted to it and I called my son and made arrangements to see him on the Saturday before.
I lived through it just fine and I even had a great Thanksgiving. Everyone can adjust to your plan a lot easier than you can adjust to theirs, so please do what you want and enjoy your holiday!
So, Han, you do what you need to do for you and your little ones. They are more important and so are you. If anyone's feelings are hurt, they'll get over it and if they're grown up about it, they'll understand. Sometimes, families get into habits that just don't work well for everybody and there's not a thing wrong with (dare I say it?) .....CHANGE!!!
You have made some wonderful compromise suggestions and there's not a thing wrong with your ideas, so you just do what you want.
Terri
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I'm only just now getting over the idea that I don't have to please everyone, especially my family. It has been the most freeing process I've ever been through, truly changing my life. Not that I'm THERE yet, mind you! But still, I totallly relate to what you're going through.
We have 3 little ones and we live 3 hours from both sets of g'parents, who both live in the same town (where we came from). Talk about issues over who will be where when, man oh man! But now I tell them what we can do and offer them options. Usually it goes like this, we can travel at this time, otherwise you all can come see us WHENEVER you want because we and the kids are here just doing what we always do! It's been a struggle but slowly everyone is coming around. The hardest part for my mother is that my brother and his wife are never with us because they refuse to come. Well, I can't help that... it's not my fault and I can't be made to feel guilty for it.
So... you didn't need my whole story, but the point is, the holidays are NOW for YOUR FAMILY which is you and your husband and your kids. Start making those memories for THEM that they will remember. I don't think you want that to include a miserable stressed out mom. Slow it down to your pace.
And for practicalities sake, 3 meals in one day is absurd to expect of little ones. Mine would be bonkers. Just my opinion there. 
Big hugs - I know exactly what you're goign through, but if you find a way to buck against it, with a loving attitude but putting you and your kids first, and still feel good about yourself for that, you may find you're breathing a breath of fresh air. (((hug)))
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Wow! Never mind the litle ones, I'D need a nap in between all that!
Break it up sweetie. That is just too much for you guys to do on one day - when do YOU get to enjoy it?!! How about going to see your parents on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day at your husband's family (but make sure they have somewher sorted for the kids to have their nap) and go see your Aunt on Boxing Day.
Man, even that would drive me nuts! You are one hell of a woman to even consider this!!! I think you guys deserve some "us" time after all the stuff you've been through.
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-Sheri
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It is time to spend Christmas with your little ones. It isn't fair of either family to expect you to be at three places in one day. Jeepers - children or none I would go crazy.
After our second child was born we decided Christmas morning is for our family only. We spend time with family in the afternoon or on Christmas Eve.
Good luck and hope Christmas in a good time for not - not a stressful day. After everything you have been through this past year - you don't need anymore stress.
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