Feel like I am losing it now (Long post)
#126409 - 11/30/04 02:46 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi,
I don't really know if any of this is going to make sense, as I am in a really terrible state at the moment but I feel like by keeping all this stuff to myself, I am lying or I am going to explode so... okay, here goes:
I have been feeling really awful lately, from time to time. I feel like I am just always not feeling well. Even when I had declared myself 'IBS Stable', I was still feeling ill every day. And now it's not just the IBS, but it's always something. I have not felt like a normal person for one day that I can remember. Every day is a struggle, and I have been trying so hard to keep my head above water but the last few months have just been so hard.
I'm not talking suicidal, I don't want to kill myself or anything but.. and this is a really terrible thing to say.. sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes, when my throat goes funny and feels like it is closing up and I can't swallow and it gets harder to breathe (which happens every day), I get so frustrated and think, "Why can't you either just close right up and put me out of my misery or go away??". Or when a car drives across the cross walk too close, I sometimes get all panicked when I think for like a split second that I wish it would just hit me.
Then I want to take it all back, and I feel awful for thinking these things. I know when I am being rational that it is so ridiculous, and melodramatic and selfish. So so so so many people have it SO MUCH harder than I do and are so much more ill, and then I just feel so guilty it makes me want to throw up.
I don't feel depressed like I have in the past, where nothing in particular is wrong but I just feel down.. it's JUST this 'always being sick' thing that I just can't handle. It used to pop into my mind hardly ever, just in the middle of a _really_ bad attack. And then most attacks, then all attacks but now it is happening even in between.
Every day my stomach is cramped up, most days I still have to book it to the loo, every day I am so incredibly nauseous, every day my throat goes all funny and sends me into a panic, now more often than not I am getting these pains so badly in my upper back that I can't even move. I've recently been told it may be a pinched nerve.. so alright, I'll go get it checked out but I am willing to bet it'll be nothing. I'll get told there is nothing wrong with me. I'll have yet another doctor or specialist or parent or boyfriend or friend look at me like I am a liar, or a drama queen or that I am just plain crazy because I have had every test in the book and it always comes back perfectly fine. The last doctor I saw about my throat wouldn't even look at my throat, as she basically said I was imagining things.
Tonight we went to a movie, after I spent the day cramped up and nauseous (still, a good day for me). Half way through, the pains in my back got so bad I was crying in the movie theatre but refused to leave. Then I got home an hour ago, and just lost it. I feel so helpless and sad and angry and guilty and I don't know what to do. I have been in near hysterics for an hour now, I made my boyfriend leave because I don't want him to see me like this and I don't dare tell him how sick and tired of my life I am.
I think sometimes I should see a counsellor or take new anti-depression drugs, but I really feel like I get upset when I am sick. And I am always sick. And if I fix one thing, another one follows so it's like there is no point in even trying anymore.
I am trying to just live between attacks, be excited about moving but the time between feeling well is so short now and I can't imagine my body getting better.
When I was like.. 10, I was really sick. And I was so upset all the time. I made a big deal one time with my friend, that if I wasn't feeling better by the time I was 22, I would kill myself. Like I said, I DO NOT want to kill myself and I don't even really want to die but now I am 22 and I am even sicker than I was when I was 10. That's 12 years of all this. I just don't feel like I have the energy or the sense of humour or the sanity to get through another 12, and then another 12.
I feel terrible and selfish for putting this on you guys, but I just feel all full of so much anger and upset that I don't want to show Adrian or anyone else but I don't want to hurt them, or upset them or make them worry.
I don't like feeling this way, and it really scares me.. but bouncing from one ache or pain or whatever to the next for the rest of my life scares me just a tiny bit more.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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STEPH!!!
#126418 - 11/30/04 03:11 PM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Steph,
You poor honey, you really are upset.
I know the "throat closing" feeling, I used to get that before, I think its a type of panic attack.
I have had a lot of family issues in the past and I went to a counsellor and it was the best thing that I ever did, I am such a more together more confident person.
You are probably going through all kinds of emotions at the moment with the move coming up etc but once you get back to Canada I think you should find a counsellor and talk to them.
IBS wise, the stress/depression is not going to help, take a twopronged approach to it and decide that you are going to think positive and make a go of all of this.
Look at yourself, You are a pretty, intelligent girl with a great sense of humour, you are very caring and witty, you have a family that loves you and a boyfriend who adores you, you are moving home to where you want to be and your boyfriend is going with you, you are going back to college, YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING FOR YOU!
We ALL love you here and are sending bunches and bunches of hugs, look after yourself, take time for yourself, go for walks relax and resolve to sort your head out when you get home.
we are all here if you need to vent/talk etc
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S.
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Don't feel guilty about talking about something that upsets you so! How else can it get better?
Sweetie, do you have an anxiety disorder? If antidepressants have helped in the past, I'm wondering if there's an underlying thing. I have OCD and part of that is being preoccupied with horrible thoughts (of different kinds), a throat tightening, panic attacks, fear of illnesses, etc. I'm not trying to make it worse by saying there's something else wrong with you so don't take it that way!
I'm just wondering - if you're a G cup could the back pain be coming from that? I'm just throwing it out there as large busted women often have back problems from the heavy load they carry.
My baby is attacking the computer. Gotta go. Feel better!
You're a terrific gal and deserve the best! Take store in the good things in your life. It will help you get through times like this.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Aww Steph! I wish I could hug you for real!
I feel so bad for you that you are having such an awful time.
I agree with Sinead that I think things might start looking up for you when your back in Canada - you'll be so close to the people that care about you and you'll feel at home and not so alone like you have been feeling.
I've had that throat thing too and I definitely would link that to anxiety and panic. Sometimes I still feel like I can't swallow and that goes with anxiety.
I wish I knew what to say to make all your troubles go away but you are so amazing and I you don't deserve to feel as awful as you do! Keep venting about it and maybe that will help some. Love ya and huge huge huge hugs to you!
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Steph
#126429 - 11/30/04 03:37 PM
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Ok, where do I start.
I felt similar to the way that you do for almost 8 months! That's how long it took my me to get a good grip on my IBS.
I am still struggling with my insomnia which is a pretty serious thing in that I always wake up like a zombie and often have low energy. It's no fun.
It sounds like you have anxiety and even a panic attacks? I used to get that throat closing thing ALL the time! I even made my BF take me to the hospital a couple of times thinking I was having a severe allergic reaction. I never was but they gave me some Benadryl to be safe. I'm sure they knew it was anxiety or stress.
You have been through A LOT lately. I have been following many of your posts for the last few months and you have had a very tough time. Anyone would be down in the dumps and discouraged.
OK! You are moving back to Canada soon. That is something to look forward to. I know you won't kill yourself but don't even go there, missy! You are WAY too special to dissapear like your life is not significant. IT IS! 
You WILL get better. I don't know when or what will help but things can only improve. You need to do some serious checking into your diet to see if you're eating bad IBS stuff. I kinda think the stress is making your tummy so crazy and mad at you.
I would try a new AD, for sure. I have had amazing results with mine. It is called Celexa and you can get it when you come to Canada. I don't know if it would help with your IBS but it has helped mine tremendously!!!
Never give up hope, my friend. EVER. Even when you've had 1 month straight of pure hell. There's always at light at the end of the tunnel. A saying that I **LOVE** from my Buddhist meditation class is "you need to hear the silence behind the noise". You need to. There will be good old fun times to come sweetie.
You need a good doctor and lots of TLC!
((((HUGS))))
Tina
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Please please please don't feel bad about letting this all out on us...that is what we are here for and you MUST let it out and vent...its the healthiest way.
I want to give you a big fat hug! :-) I SO understand what you are saying...about the going to sleep and not waking up again, at least until you have the right to live your life and plan your day like a normal person. I was crying this weekend because I got a nausea attack when I was in an antiques store with hubby and his parents...I explained that it wasn't even the physical symptoms that were making me cry..it was more their unpredictability..it someone could just tell me what to do to get better, I would follow it to a T, if someone could tell me 'ok for these hours of the day you are going to feel like crap' I would deal with it and plan my day around it...but the fact that it can strike anytime and ruin anything you plan (my wedding included to an extent :-() makes it so frustrating. I have recently come to a conclusion that I want to see a therapist to talk to about mind body connections...I feel my fear of my IBS and want help gaining control of the fear.
I am by no means suggesting that this is in your head or you are creating the illness you are feeling, but talking to someone professional may really help...I haven't gone yet but will certainly keep you up to date.
I really believe that SOME of how you are feeling has to do with your living arrangements....when you leave england to go home it will be the end of a chapter...(I sooo understand this...remember I have moved around constantly for the last two years and am now settling down)...I am so sure you are going to get somewhat better...
Please take care of yourself. Please eat a very safe diet for now..please give yourself the best and understand that what you feel is natural and there is nothing like a good cry.
Much love and healthy wishes....
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Steph,
It's actually very healthy for you to write us and get all of this stuff you're feeling out - and we are here to listen and help. So please don't feel bad, or like you are laying it on us. When we all share our burdens, the load is lighter for everyone.
I agree with Sinead - you are a beautiful, precious young woman with your whole life ahead of you. It will not always be this bad. I know that when you are in a bad patch, it's often difficult to see beyond to the good times ahead, but you'll have to have faith that they are there. Surround yourself with warm, caring people (us included) and you will find the support you need to get you through.
If you are taking an a/d, it is possible that they are causing these thoughts that you are having. I have been there (with Paxil), and remember going through exactly the same thing. And if it is the a/d's, it is possible that the thoughts could take an uglier turn. I don't want to scare you, but want to emphasize how important it is for you to find a doc you can talk with about these thoughts. You may need a different med.
You are not crazy, and your hurt and anger are completely understandable - things are super-hectic for you at the moment. Please try to do what you can to relax and heal yourself. In a little bit, you'll be home with your family. Once there, just put everything on hold and take a breather. There is nothing more important than your health. Those that love you will understand.
Your life is only just beginning, and it will be a wonderful life - I'm sure of it. I'm sending BIG hugs and warm thoughts your way. I hope you feel better soon, hon.
Love!
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~*Amber*~
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OK Hon!!!! I love you!!! Don't ever feel bad for coming on here and talking!!! You sound so much like me before I started my AD!! I also am going to start going to a counslor!! You need to think about these things to!!!
Your not a drama Queen!! I want you to go back and read that post I wrote about my friend!! He didn't talk and he took his life!!! Talk about these things Steph!!! Don't let it eat you alive!!! You are such a wonderfull person and I hate to see you this upset!!! THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!!! This is just a bump in the road of life!!! You will get through this!!! Once you get home you need to find a couslor!! It will help you hon!!! Please don't think of hurting yourself!!! Please!!!
Sending you lots of love and Hugs!!!
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Heather7476
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Oh Steph, Steph, Steph....you are just too cute to be sounding this way! Hang in there sweetie you'll get past this hump in the road I promise! I need you here on these boards! I told you in the past that you just make me laugh with all your "other words" for our states words. The loo for the bathroom......I love reading your posts...well except this one of course......I hated reading how you are feeling 
I too went through something similiar at age 21. I sought counselling for anxiety and it helped tremendously! Took a while but it worked. I never took AD's though so I can't relate to them. I fortunately was able to control my stress by talking myself out of an attack. I listened to tapes in the car, read books apon books about anxiety. I seriously think I grew out of it. I'm 37 now and although sometimes I feel as though I could have a anxiety attack, I'm able to talk myself out of it.
You are so young and have so many years ahead of you. You too will grow out of it I'm sure. Growing up sucks! You have to learn so much and it comes at you all at once. You are completely normal, trust me. I think you should consider seeing someone for stress manangement and your anxiety. It can hit you in so many ways and that's why you feel so crappy all the time. I've been there. I just wanted to feel like my normal self again and I had to work on it. Don't EVER give up. Please know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will still throw you some curve balls later but you will be able to handle them 
Take care and keep us posted!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Steph. I so get where you're at! And as they say misery loves company. I spend every day of my life feeling sick. I told my doctor recently that I've been sick my whole life. I don't know what it's like to feel well. Even on good days I have tummy rumbles, pains, and worry about where the nearest loo is. While most mums are thinking about the end of year christmas pre-school lunch and what food to bring, I'm wondering if I'll be sick and how I'll manage to make it for my daughter if I'm needing the loo constantly. I have breakdowns too, where it all just gets to much and I'm constantly telling DH the exact same thing as you, that I wish I could go to bed one night and not wake up because at least then I wouldn't be suffering constantly any more. All I can really say is despite the pain, I keep hoping that they will find something to help all us IBS'ers and how much life will be worth living when they do (and they're going to find something, there's plently of research being done about it). I also live for my family as they're too important to me to leave behind. And despite being sick all the time there are good days where I leave the house, have fun and feel slightly "normal" and I'm sure you have them too. I hope you start to feel a bit healthier soon and if you ever need to chat to someone we're always here. Thinking of you....
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Amy
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