Feel like I am losing it now (Long post)
#126409 - 11/30/04 02:46 PM
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi,
I don't really know if any of this is going to make sense, as I am in a really terrible state at the moment but I feel like by keeping all this stuff to myself, I am lying or I am going to explode so... okay, here goes:
I have been feeling really awful lately, from time to time. I feel like I am just always not feeling well. Even when I had declared myself 'IBS Stable', I was still feeling ill every day. And now it's not just the IBS, but it's always something. I have not felt like a normal person for one day that I can remember. Every day is a struggle, and I have been trying so hard to keep my head above water but the last few months have just been so hard.
I'm not talking suicidal, I don't want to kill myself or anything but.. and this is a really terrible thing to say.. sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes, when my throat goes funny and feels like it is closing up and I can't swallow and it gets harder to breathe (which happens every day), I get so frustrated and think, "Why can't you either just close right up and put me out of my misery or go away??". Or when a car drives across the cross walk too close, I sometimes get all panicked when I think for like a split second that I wish it would just hit me.
Then I want to take it all back, and I feel awful for thinking these things. I know when I am being rational that it is so ridiculous, and melodramatic and selfish. So so so so many people have it SO MUCH harder than I do and are so much more ill, and then I just feel so guilty it makes me want to throw up.
I don't feel depressed like I have in the past, where nothing in particular is wrong but I just feel down.. it's JUST this 'always being sick' thing that I just can't handle. It used to pop into my mind hardly ever, just in the middle of a _really_ bad attack. And then most attacks, then all attacks but now it is happening even in between.
Every day my stomach is cramped up, most days I still have to book it to the loo, every day I am so incredibly nauseous, every day my throat goes all funny and sends me into a panic, now more often than not I am getting these pains so badly in my upper back that I can't even move. I've recently been told it may be a pinched nerve.. so alright, I'll go get it checked out but I am willing to bet it'll be nothing. I'll get told there is nothing wrong with me. I'll have yet another doctor or specialist or parent or boyfriend or friend look at me like I am a liar, or a drama queen or that I am just plain crazy because I have had every test in the book and it always comes back perfectly fine. The last doctor I saw about my throat wouldn't even look at my throat, as she basically said I was imagining things.
Tonight we went to a movie, after I spent the day cramped up and nauseous (still, a good day for me). Half way through, the pains in my back got so bad I was crying in the movie theatre but refused to leave. Then I got home an hour ago, and just lost it. I feel so helpless and sad and angry and guilty and I don't know what to do. I have been in near hysterics for an hour now, I made my boyfriend leave because I don't want him to see me like this and I don't dare tell him how sick and tired of my life I am.
I think sometimes I should see a counsellor or take new anti-depression drugs, but I really feel like I get upset when I am sick. And I am always sick. And if I fix one thing, another one follows so it's like there is no point in even trying anymore.
I am trying to just live between attacks, be excited about moving but the time between feeling well is so short now and I can't imagine my body getting better.
When I was like.. 10, I was really sick. And I was so upset all the time. I made a big deal one time with my friend, that if I wasn't feeling better by the time I was 22, I would kill myself. Like I said, I DO NOT want to kill myself and I don't even really want to die but now I am 22 and I am even sicker than I was when I was 10. That's 12 years of all this. I just don't feel like I have the energy or the sense of humour or the sanity to get through another 12, and then another 12.
I feel terrible and selfish for putting this on you guys, but I just feel all full of so much anger and upset that I don't want to show Adrian or anyone else but I don't want to hurt them, or upset them or make them worry.
I don't like feeling this way, and it really scares me.. but bouncing from one ache or pain or whatever to the next for the rest of my life scares me just a tiny bit more.
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
STEPH!!!
#126418 - 11/30/04 03:11 PM
|
|
|
|
|
cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
|
|
|
Steph,
You poor honey, you really are upset.
I know the "throat closing" feeling, I used to get that before, I think its a type of panic attack.
I have had a lot of family issues in the past and I went to a counsellor and it was the best thing that I ever did, I am such a more together more confident person.
You are probably going through all kinds of emotions at the moment with the move coming up etc but once you get back to Canada I think you should find a counsellor and talk to them.
IBS wise, the stress/depression is not going to help, take a twopronged approach to it and decide that you are going to think positive and make a go of all of this.
Look at yourself, You are a pretty, intelligent girl with a great sense of humour, you are very caring and witty, you have a family that loves you and a boyfriend who adores you, you are moving home to where you want to be and your boyfriend is going with you, you are going back to college, YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING FOR YOU!
We ALL love you here and are sending bunches and bunches of hugs, look after yourself, take time for yourself, go for walks relax and resolve to sort your head out when you get home.
we are all here if you need to vent/talk etc
--------------------
S.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Don't feel guilty about talking about something that upsets you so! How else can it get better?
Sweetie, do you have an anxiety disorder? If antidepressants have helped in the past, I'm wondering if there's an underlying thing. I have OCD and part of that is being preoccupied with horrible thoughts (of different kinds), a throat tightening, panic attacks, fear of illnesses, etc. I'm not trying to make it worse by saying there's something else wrong with you so don't take it that way!
I'm just wondering - if you're a G cup could the back pain be coming from that? I'm just throwing it out there as large busted women often have back problems from the heavy load they carry.
My baby is attacking the computer. Gotta go. Feel better!
You're a terrific gal and deserve the best! Take store in the good things in your life. It will help you get through times like this.
--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Aww Steph! I wish I could hug you for real!
I feel so bad for you that you are having such an awful time.
I agree with Sinead that I think things might start looking up for you when your back in Canada - you'll be so close to the people that care about you and you'll feel at home and not so alone like you have been feeling.
I've had that throat thing too and I definitely would link that to anxiety and panic. Sometimes I still feel like I can't swallow and that goes with anxiety.
I wish I knew what to say to make all your troubles go away but you are so amazing and I you don't deserve to feel as awful as you do! Keep venting about it and maybe that will help some. Love ya and huge huge huge hugs to you!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Steph
#126429 - 11/30/04 03:37 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ok, where do I start.
I felt similar to the way that you do for almost 8 months! That's how long it took my me to get a good grip on my IBS.
I am still struggling with my insomnia which is a pretty serious thing in that I always wake up like a zombie and often have low energy. It's no fun.
It sounds like you have anxiety and even a panic attacks? I used to get that throat closing thing ALL the time! I even made my BF take me to the hospital a couple of times thinking I was having a severe allergic reaction. I never was but they gave me some Benadryl to be safe. I'm sure they knew it was anxiety or stress.
You have been through A LOT lately. I have been following many of your posts for the last few months and you have had a very tough time. Anyone would be down in the dumps and discouraged.
OK! You are moving back to Canada soon. That is something to look forward to. I know you won't kill yourself but don't even go there, missy! You are WAY too special to dissapear like your life is not significant. IT IS! 
You WILL get better. I don't know when or what will help but things can only improve. You need to do some serious checking into your diet to see if you're eating bad IBS stuff. I kinda think the stress is making your tummy so crazy and mad at you.
I would try a new AD, for sure. I have had amazing results with mine. It is called Celexa and you can get it when you come to Canada. I don't know if it would help with your IBS but it has helped mine tremendously!!!
Never give up hope, my friend. EVER. Even when you've had 1 month straight of pure hell. There's always at light at the end of the tunnel. A saying that I **LOVE** from my Buddhist meditation class is "you need to hear the silence behind the noise". You need to. There will be good old fun times to come sweetie.
You need a good doctor and lots of TLC!
((((HUGS))))
Tina
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Please please please don't feel bad about letting this all out on us...that is what we are here for and you MUST let it out and vent...its the healthiest way.
I want to give you a big fat hug! :-) I SO understand what you are saying...about the going to sleep and not waking up again, at least until you have the right to live your life and plan your day like a normal person. I was crying this weekend because I got a nausea attack when I was in an antiques store with hubby and his parents...I explained that it wasn't even the physical symptoms that were making me cry..it was more their unpredictability..it someone could just tell me what to do to get better, I would follow it to a T, if someone could tell me 'ok for these hours of the day you are going to feel like crap' I would deal with it and plan my day around it...but the fact that it can strike anytime and ruin anything you plan (my wedding included to an extent :-() makes it so frustrating. I have recently come to a conclusion that I want to see a therapist to talk to about mind body connections...I feel my fear of my IBS and want help gaining control of the fear.
I am by no means suggesting that this is in your head or you are creating the illness you are feeling, but talking to someone professional may really help...I haven't gone yet but will certainly keep you up to date.
I really believe that SOME of how you are feeling has to do with your living arrangements....when you leave england to go home it will be the end of a chapter...(I sooo understand this...remember I have moved around constantly for the last two years and am now settling down)...I am so sure you are going to get somewhat better...
Please take care of yourself. Please eat a very safe diet for now..please give yourself the best and understand that what you feel is natural and there is nothing like a good cry.
Much love and healthy wishes....
--------------------
Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Steph,
It's actually very healthy for you to write us and get all of this stuff you're feeling out - and we are here to listen and help. So please don't feel bad, or like you are laying it on us. When we all share our burdens, the load is lighter for everyone.
I agree with Sinead - you are a beautiful, precious young woman with your whole life ahead of you. It will not always be this bad. I know that when you are in a bad patch, it's often difficult to see beyond to the good times ahead, but you'll have to have faith that they are there. Surround yourself with warm, caring people (us included) and you will find the support you need to get you through.
If you are taking an a/d, it is possible that they are causing these thoughts that you are having. I have been there (with Paxil), and remember going through exactly the same thing. And if it is the a/d's, it is possible that the thoughts could take an uglier turn. I don't want to scare you, but want to emphasize how important it is for you to find a doc you can talk with about these thoughts. You may need a different med.
You are not crazy, and your hurt and anger are completely understandable - things are super-hectic for you at the moment. Please try to do what you can to relax and heal yourself. In a little bit, you'll be home with your family. Once there, just put everything on hold and take a breather. There is nothing more important than your health. Those that love you will understand.
Your life is only just beginning, and it will be a wonderful life - I'm sure of it. I'm sending BIG hugs and warm thoughts your way. I hope you feel better soon, hon.
Love!
--------------------
~*Amber*~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
OK Hon!!!! I love you!!! Don't ever feel bad for coming on here and talking!!! You sound so much like me before I started my AD!! I also am going to start going to a counslor!! You need to think about these things to!!!
Your not a drama Queen!! I want you to go back and read that post I wrote about my friend!! He didn't talk and he took his life!!! Talk about these things Steph!!! Don't let it eat you alive!!! You are such a wonderfull person and I hate to see you this upset!!! THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!!! This is just a bump in the road of life!!! You will get through this!!! Once you get home you need to find a couslor!! It will help you hon!!! Please don't think of hurting yourself!!! Please!!!
Sending you lots of love and Hugs!!!
--------------------
Heather7476
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh Steph, Steph, Steph....you are just too cute to be sounding this way! Hang in there sweetie you'll get past this hump in the road I promise! I need you here on these boards! I told you in the past that you just make me laugh with all your "other words" for our states words. The loo for the bathroom......I love reading your posts...well except this one of course......I hated reading how you are feeling 
I too went through something similiar at age 21. I sought counselling for anxiety and it helped tremendously! Took a while but it worked. I never took AD's though so I can't relate to them. I fortunately was able to control my stress by talking myself out of an attack. I listened to tapes in the car, read books apon books about anxiety. I seriously think I grew out of it. I'm 37 now and although sometimes I feel as though I could have a anxiety attack, I'm able to talk myself out of it.
You are so young and have so many years ahead of you. You too will grow out of it I'm sure. Growing up sucks! You have to learn so much and it comes at you all at once. You are completely normal, trust me. I think you should consider seeing someone for stress manangement and your anxiety. It can hit you in so many ways and that's why you feel so crappy all the time. I've been there. I just wanted to feel like my normal self again and I had to work on it. Don't EVER give up. Please know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will still throw you some curve balls later but you will be able to handle them 
Take care and keep us posted!
--------------------
~~~Lisa~~~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Steph. I so get where you're at! And as they say misery loves company. I spend every day of my life feeling sick. I told my doctor recently that I've been sick my whole life. I don't know what it's like to feel well. Even on good days I have tummy rumbles, pains, and worry about where the nearest loo is. While most mums are thinking about the end of year christmas pre-school lunch and what food to bring, I'm wondering if I'll be sick and how I'll manage to make it for my daughter if I'm needing the loo constantly. I have breakdowns too, where it all just gets to much and I'm constantly telling DH the exact same thing as you, that I wish I could go to bed one night and not wake up because at least then I wouldn't be suffering constantly any more. All I can really say is despite the pain, I keep hoping that they will find something to help all us IBS'ers and how much life will be worth living when they do (and they're going to find something, there's plently of research being done about it). I also live for my family as they're too important to me to leave behind. And despite being sick all the time there are good days where I leave the house, have fun and feel slightly "normal" and I'm sure you have them too. I hope you start to feel a bit healthier soon and if you ever need to chat to someone we're always here. Thinking of you....
--------------------
Amy
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi all,
I am sort of being hurried by boyfriend to leave as we have to go and pick up some things today but I just came on to read all the responses and it really did make me feel better. It made me all weepy again, but not in a really agonising way so that was nice.
Like I said, I have been feeling that way more and more frequently lately but haven't told anyone. As I am a person who ALWAYS talks about EVERYTHING (can't shut me up most of the time), it felt really.. wrong.. to have it just sitting there inside me. I felt like I was keeping a terrible secret or lying to everyone when I said I was feeling alright. I did feel like a weight had been lifted when I wrote it all out and got so many really nice replies.
I have decided I am definitely going to try and find someone to talk to once I get home. My mom used to be a clinical counsellor/family therapist so I'm sure she will know someone I can go to. Hopefully I'll be able to afford it, or get some help!.. Maybe I should ask for a counsellor for Christmas.. 
I am still feeling a bit down today, my head aches from all the crying.. but I slept for about 11 hours last night.. funny how it can really just drain all your energy.
There are some replies I want to reply to specifically but can't right at this minute, but I will when I get back home.
Again, thank you all so much for being there for me. I tried for just a minute to explain it to Adrian, but he obviously doesn't understand. And he is one of those kind of competitive people who has to say they've had it too, or worse. Like, all he could talk about was the he had tennis elbow for a year, and the doctor didn't know what it was at first. So I think I definitely need someone else to talk to.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and helping me realise I'm not really crazy. 
**HUGS HUGS TO ALL**
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I can totally relate to how you feel. I feel like I am losing it constantly...My mother has alzheimers,my dad is mentally abusive, with kidney cancer. My 2 daughters have both had serious drug problems and now I have uc.Not a pretty picture!!! I toally agree with some of the other posts..Talking with a professional and taking antidressants definately helps.I try to do one special thing for myself each and every day..I do know that hypnosis helps , as I am a certified hypnotherapist in Ibs..I can help everyone else but myself..I need to find a hypnotherapist who can help me.. I wish you the best and can totally empathize....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I haven't had time to read all the responses but wanted to reply before I get too busy at work so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.
I totally understand how you're feeling. It sucks. I have spent a lot of my life feeling "sick" but all the dr's say there is nothing wrong physically. I know the empty feeling inside and the hopelessness. I know the sense of feeling like no one really understands or cares. I have suffered from depression and panick attacks. This thing with your throat closing up may be part of a panick attack. I know the guilt for thinking how shitty your life seems when you know there are people worse off then you. Just because someone else is hurting more than you, it doesn't reduce the amount of misery you are going through.
Which AD are you on?? In my opinion, it isn't working well enough for you. I think I remember reading that you were on Zoloft? I find that one to be the least effective for me. Maybe you should ask your dr about adding one of the tricyclic AD's, they work differently then the SSRI AD's. You may also benefit from a mild tranquilizer like Xanax, to help with the panicky feelings. They will help you to relax and may help both your throat and back.
I started seeing a shrink last spring and it really does help. If your insurance doesn't cover it, there may be some free counsling available, I'm not sure how it works where your at.
I wish I could say something to actually make you feel better but know that you're not the only one to have had these feelings. I really think you need to talk with your dr and tell him how bad you are feeling. Big hugs to you!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
{{{{{{{{{{{BIIIIGGGGG HUUUUUUUUGS!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm glad you posted. I know it can get overwhelming. I'm so sorry you're going through this!!
You don't deserve this!!! It's not your fault you feel this way!!! Please try and rest!! You're so stressed and it's taking over everything!! I have been there too and I know!
Be good to yourself and turn off those bad people in your life and get some sleep! There are people here who love you and are happy to call you their friend. I know I feel that way!
~nelly~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
There is nothing wrong with feeling that way sometimes, as long as you don't act on it (but you said you won't so I trust you)
I know ALL of us have probably been on the toilet during one extrememly bad attack and wishing it would all be over, in one way or another.
I was so miserable that I wouldn't live a normal life when I started Heather's diet, and now I am probably 80% or so the way there! It will happen for you. It is just horrible that you go through this like EVERYDAY since you were ten. We should ALL be allowed to have our good days. Just concentrate on getting yopurself back home to Cananda, then you can concentrate more on going to doctors, resting, and whatever you need to get healthy.
Just think how proud you will be and how much your family/friends will be amazed when you finally beat this thing!
Good luck, Steph, and it always breaks my heart when I hear that you are doing poorly. I do not think I could EVER be as strong as you are in your situation.
--------------------
-Sheri
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi Steph,
I'm glad you posted too. Isn't this place a great outlet to vent! I know there were times that I've had those same horrible thoughts go through my head and it is a bit theraputic to communicate with people about it - makes you think about it differently somehow. It looks like you've already gotten lots of good advice and encouragement - but I wanted to add that I'll be thinking of you and sending you hugs - arn't you glad you're going back home soon - just focus on the good things - that's what my mom keeps on telling me with this Crohn's diagnosis - everyday that you feel alittle bit better, think about the feeling better times, not the hour or whenever that your tummy hurts or your bum is sore - think about the feeling better times and there will be more of them - I promise you'll make it! Also, on a more clinical note - the not being able to swallow thing definetly sounds like something involving panic attacks to me - there are medications specific to panic disorders that are differentiated in how they work from other anti-depressant type drugs - you should ask a doctor or a psychotheropist about that. I hope you feel better soon though - I know you can do it.
Min
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Steph!
#126676 - 12/01/04 01:39 PM
|
|
|
|
Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
|
|
|
Sweetie pie! I only just read your post - what a lot of cr*p you are going through. I agree with the others... when you've got a bit settled in Canada I think you need to find a counseller and get some better a-d's! Those thoughts aren't nice - I've been there way too many times and I never want to feel like that again.
I've had the throat thing too. Only once majorly, but then I thought I was gonna die. I think the IBS/nausea stuff can trigger that off and then the panic makes it worse. For me it was like I had gas trapped in my throat when we were on a plane that was landing (in Denver(!), so my pressure sensors were totally messed up!). I felt I couldn't breathe - I was gasping and not getting air. It was so so horrible. I REALLY feel for you if you're getting them alot!!!!!
You are NOT crazy. I think alot of us have been there. All these illnesses and problems we get landed with are a bit much. Btw - sympathy on the boyfriend front! Simon gets a bit like that too. I reckon it's a man thing. Drat them!
Hopefully, leavingthe mad-house and getting back to Canada will help, but get some professional help as well, okay?
Hugs!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I wish I'd seen this sooner! I feel the same way most of the time... I honestly can't remember a time when I felt good.
If you go see someone when you get home to Canada, I'll see someone too! I've been so non-committal about it I'm starting to think I need someone to *make* me. Don't let it drag on for yourself. You're funny and smart and you look lovely in your pic and you deserve to have a great life!
--------------------
*Emma*
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Han Solo
#126870 - 12/02/04 03:55 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi there,
I've never really thought of it being anything like OCD.. I will mention it to my doctor when I get home and try and get set up with a counsellor. I know that the ad I am on now helped with the anxiety I had about going out, as I got to the point where I was really scared to leave the house in case I got sick.
Either way, I hope I can get it sorted.
I have had it suggested to me that it could be the weight of my breasts causing me the pains in my back, and I'll have to talk to my doctors about that. I have been thinking about a breast reduction since I was in high school, but this past year I watched a show on the surgery and looked HORRIBLE! The scars are quite bad and the list of complications was too much for me.. so I thought maybe I'd forget that idea.. But if it is causing me this pain now, I might have to reconsider. Hmm.. so much to figure out now. Guess I have a lot of research to do.
Thanks very much for your reply, I can't say how much everyone's responses have made me feel so much more normal.
*hugs*
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Sara Sage!
#126874 - 12/02/04 04:00 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi there!
It sounds like you really had the exact same thing as me with the throat thing. I too used to think it was an allergic reaction to something and used to take Benadryl. I never went to the hospital, but it did make me totally panic..
Here is the weird thing, it comes on so often when I am not panicked. Like, I can be relaxed and chatting to a friend or watching TV and then suddenly, I feel like I can't swallow.. THEN I panic. I just think it's really bizarre.
I really like that quote of yours, it makes a lot of sense. I am really counting on things settling down once I get to Canada, but if they can't then I guess I'll just have to try and figure it out again over there. I know I'll be okay... but the thing that gets me down is that I don't want to just be 'okay', I want to be good, you know? It's so hard to make people understand how jealous I am of people that just get up and go about life so easily.
Oh well.. 6 more days 'til Canada!
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
daliatree
#126876 - 12/02/04 04:06 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi there,
It's amazing how you think that you're the only person feeling the way you do, but then when you put it out there you realise so many people feel the same way!
I know exactly what you mean about crying not because of the symptoms but because of how they effect your life. I feel exactly the same way. And I used to say the exact same thing, if I knew I was gonna be sick from a certain time, I could plan my life around it but it just comes at any old time.
I am really hoping things change once I get home, and I do intend to help that along by talking at length with my doctor (and seeing a different one if she won't listen to me 'at length'), getting together with a therapist and getting more structure back to my life.
Thanks very much for your response, it did make me feel loads better.
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Has your doctor done a colonoscopy to rule out IBDs?
Just wondering since you said that you're following Heather's diet and still getting frequent attacks.
I have UC and even with Heather's diet I was still having frequent attacks until the dr. changed my meds.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Michele
#126879 - 12/02/04 04:10 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi Michele,
Thanks for your post.. I know you are going through a lot right now too so I really appreciate you replying to me. All the replies really helped me out of a slump.
That is _exactly_ how I feel.. like an empty feeling when the doctor says nothing is wrong, and I am in so much pain and so nauseous that I want to scream, "Of course something is wrong!!".
I haven't actually ever taken Zoloft.. The only one I've taken is the one I'm on now, which is amitryptiline (sp??). I am only on 20mgs, so it's not very strong. I don't know if it's SSRI or tricyclic.. I don't even know what that means! It has helped with the anxiety about going out, but it doesn't stop me from going into to major upsets and sadness.
I'll have to look into my insurance once I get back to see if counselling is covered.. I was also thinking that because I am going to Unviersity, there might be a counselling program through my school so I'll look into that too.
Thanks again for your reply.
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
So I went out to my office Christmas party last night, and had an alright time. Took some immodium and motilium to ward off any attacks or nausea and off I went.
Adrian (bf) went out with his friends to the pub, and when I got home they were sitting in our front room eating pizza. So I sat with them for a bit, and then realised that they had been talking about all kinds of stupid guy things all night.. including me.
Apparently, Adrian has told his friends how I'm fat now and his friend was arguing that I am not as fat as is girlfriend. They were actually arguing about it! Then Adrian went on to say how much lazier women are than men, and how lazy I am. Apparently, he is shocked that I'm not more fat than I am considering how lazy I am.
So I am sitting there, while they are laughing on recounts of these conversations they've had, not even knowing how to react. In the beginning, I was laughing 'cause I can take a joke and stuff but then it just got really offensive and I didn't even know what to say.
Then I guess they realised that I wasn't really happy and started taking it all back, saying they'd never said any of it.. but they were really drunk and stupid and I am actually NOT stupid.
So then they tried to make it better by telling me that Adrian had actually also paid me compliments. Now, I'm not gonna say here exactly what that compliment was but it was sexual and it was not what I would call a compliment. I was so embarassed and hurt that I just sat there for a minute before they all left.
Then I told Adrian how much he had hurt my feelings, and he just kept saying he hadn't said any of it.. when he had admitted he had! So I called him a liar, and he copped up to saying some of it and then just said he hadn't meant to upset me!
Okay, sometimes I am kinda lazy.. but a lot of the time I am really ill. And lots of the time, I would LOVE to be able to hop up and go to the gym but I am too busy feeling nauseous and dizzy, or stuck on the loo.. or feeling like I am about to have to run to the loo. And the thing is, I do go to the gym. When I am feeling good, I try and go like twice a week.. sometimes I don't make it for a month, sometimes I go every few weeks but I do try and go as often as I can. It's not the same as it is with Adrian, he can go to the gym at work on his lunch breaks - I have to pay the equivalent of $12.50 CDN every time I want to go, and it is really far from where I was working.
But even if I didn't ever go the gym, he still shouldn't be saying things like that about me!! I tried to explain when we were all sitting there that it's not right to tell your girlfriend she's fat, and they said it was about being honest.. I said it wasn't honest, it was cruel and they just laughed and disagreed. In this "honesty" he also admitted that he wouldn't love me anymore if I got really fat - and I said that was disgusting, that you'd just stop loving someone??? Then he mentioned this girl he broke up with a few years ago, just because she'd put on weight.
I haven't spoken to Adrian since we argued before we went to bed, after I told him that if that is how he sees me, I don't want to be with him. He's called me twice today, but I haven't answered.
I feel really let down.. and really angry for him doing to this to me when I am already feeling so fragile. Normally, Adrian is really great.. but this is just really low I think.
I am going to go start packing and try to take my mind off of it.
Thanks for the ears.. or eyes, as it is..
Luv Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I hate to say it it but men like that you don't need in your life.. I'd talk ot him about how hurt you feel because your issues aren't laziness as much as ill health and if he's going to behave like that you don't want him in your life.. then start looking at alternative living arrangements.. I hate to say it.. but sometimes we need to cut the bad stff out even if it hurts and sometimes thats people..its why I have less to do with certian of my family members then I'd like to and if it was up to me I'd never talk to them or see them again because I realized how toxic the relationships were and that I didn't need the stress or pain in my life... good luck! you will find the right, understanding guy!
--------------------
Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Adrian had no right (drunk or not) to say such horrible things. I can't imagine how horrible it was for you to sit there through all of it. He's being an insensitive jerk. He owes you BIG TIME apologies and I mean huge. Don't let him get away with it. You are not fat by any means. You're a terrific person and if he doesn't see that you can send him packin!
--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I have to go to class.. but I just wanted to say..
the love of your life is supposed to build you up and make you shine.. not bring you down. Honestly, good times totally shade bad times and make them ok.. but if the bad times outweigh the good its not always a good relationship to be in.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh Steph, you poor thing! You have been through so much, it's no wonder you're having so many problems. You've been living in a stressful house for a long time now and trying to cope with so many, many things.
I'll be so glad when you get out of there and back to your family. I'm sure things will start to improve because you'll be able to relax a little and sort things out and get the help you need. It's been so chaotic for you.
When you get back, I hope you'll find a good counselor and a good doctor. I think we've all been where you are to some degree; the feelings of hopelessness and having no control over how we feel everyday. Some of your post reminded me of myself right now. Recently, I've been having feelings of depression come on me out of the blue and it's like a cloud that just won't lift. Everything looks dark and bleak from under this cloud. I get worried and anxious about every little ache or pain or anything that even seems a little different. It gets very tiring living like this everyday. I know just what you mean about worrying about it all and being sick all the time. I'll do fine until some little physical thing pops up, and then -BOOM- I'm right back under that dark cloud. I have a doctor appointment today for my tummy and I'm hoping I can mention my depression and anxiety. I'm so afraid I'm going to break down and then feel like a goof. Thanks for telling us how you feel. It made me feel like at least I'm not alone right now. There's someone else out there who is with me.
There's so many people on these boards who have been helped, so we know that we can be helped, too.
I'm mad at your boyfriend for being so mean. I've gained a lot of weight in the last few years due to thyroid and other things. My husband tells me i'm beautiful no matter what. I put myself down, but he doesn't. If your boyfriend would really leave you if you were fat, then he's not worth keeping. Stand your ground as best you can. I know you're delicate right now and you may not be up to a good fight for yourself. If not, don't worry about that too. After you get back home, you're going to get help and get better and stronger. You'll be able to tackle whatever you need to on your behalf.
You're going to be okay, Steph. God bless you, you sweet girl.
Terri
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh sweetie...that was soooo incredibly mean and insensitive of him...wow...and at such a hard time in your life...this may be hard to hear but I am going to say it anyway: it doesn't sound like he is really in touch with your suffering...somebody that actually 'got' how much hell you are going through would NEVER ever ever kick you when you are down, and would definetly never say anything like that about you anyway!! Its totally uncalled for and NOT proper boyf behaviour...esp infront of his friends. I am not surprised you are not talking to him.
We are all different: but I live my relationships according to principles, and I have to be honest, but if my boyf did that to me I would be SERIOUSLY considering moving on. The very symbolism of his lack of complete support is very obvious here...he is just not getting your IBS and how it effects you (are you open with him about how much you are going through with it, or does he just see you lying around? that could be a prob, you MUST open up with your partner about it)...and it is a unfortunately fundamental part of your life.
I know you are about to move to Canada with him (he might be feeling insecure about the impending move, and thats why he is possibly being self defensive and cruel...big moves to funny things to people)...but what he did is so so so mean...there is NO justification for it. He totally disrespected you infront of his friends and humiliated you.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but its because you really deserve the best, and to give yourself the best. You need a man who is going to pamper you and nurture you, not someone who is going to kick you when you are down. Please keep us updated on what happens and STAND YOUR GROUND,he must know this is totally UNACCEPTABLE...has he ever done something like this before?
Lots of love and a big hug XXXX
--------------------
Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Daliatree
#126902 - 12/02/04 06:04 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi there,
Thanks for your post. I don't really know what to think about it at this point. On the one hand, he is normally very sweet to me and pampers me to no end some days. When I was really upset the other day, he went out and got a comedy DVD I wanted to see. He has been trying to call me all day today, and he kept trying to talk to me last night but I wouldn't have it. He kept telling me yesterday he loves me just as I am and he shouldn't have said those things and he didn't mean it to sound as it did, but I still felt hurt.
I am not saying anything is my fault, but when I was reading your post I did realise that I have been so tried of complaining lately that I don't tell him how badly I am feeling. Some days, I do say I just want a 'lazy day' because it's cold outside or I'm tired or something, but it's really because I just feel so sick.. I think maybe I should be more straight forward so he knows that I WANT to be active, but I feel sometimes like I can't.
He's never done anything like this before, no. And to be honest, it was more his friends talking about _their_ girlfriends and him just agreeing and laughing along.. he was too drunk to really make any clear statements. I still feel like he either shouldn't have let me get brought into the conversation, or have at least had the decency to not let it come up again when I was sitting right there!
I think you're also right about the moving thing, he has been acting really weird. And last night it was with his best friend, who I know he's really going to miss.. even if he won't admit it. His best friend is engaged to a girl who is _really_ horrible, and a lot of the time he was trying to make his friend see how much better of he is having me as a girlfriend.. Which I think is a bad thing to do to your friend, but I.. well, I don't know.
I don't want to break up over this, but I intend to speak to him.. or maybe write a letter as then he can't argue back and I'll get to say everything I want to say.. and just lay out exactly what I expect and that if he's not aware of those things or unwilling to stand by them, he should reconsider the big move. He is out all night tonight, then going away tomorrow morning until Saturday, when we are having a Going Away party so I will leave it with him until then. I am pretty sure, from all the apologising and attempts at explaining that he'll agree and we'll be okay again.. but I do need to let him know how badly it hurt me when I am in such a fragile state.
I'll let you know how it goes. He really is normally very supportive and more nice to me than I ever thought.. he has gotten so understanding about the IBS, but I know it is frustrating sometimes.. maybe it just all came out in a big, bad way.. I dunno.. guess we'll find out!
Thanks for the reply again!
*hugs*
Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Steph...
#126906 - 12/02/04 06:09 AM
|
|
|
|
daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
|
|
|
Ok, I am really relieved to hear that he has never done this before, since that means there is no pattern and hence, it was just a stupid mistake and definetly connected to his insecurity etc regarding the big move...we cling like mad people to our loved ones OR push them away when we are about to leave them...it gets very confusing as the date gets nearer....you both need to support eachother (I just moved to NYC for my husband....big deal, lots of tears and excitement...I am very close to my parents in London)..
So your plan sounds good...the time away should give him lots of space to think about what he has done and then stand your ground and move to Canada holding hands....feel good sweetie, eat safe..lots of love
--------------------
Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Eeeekkkk, that is a tough one Steph!
Lots of huggs your way! I wish I could give you an inperson hug right now.
What a jerk! You BETTER make sure that he makes it up to you! and we have all seen your recent pic after you got your hair done, you are NOT fat. Just because you are not a twig, you are not fat. Guys want everything. They cannot have a girl that is too skinny, they want girls with big boobs, but they can't have a little weight anywehere else, either. Argh.
Even though it is SOOO inexcusable what he said, guys do have, how do we say it here? 'Liquid balls' when they are drinking around friends. (courage from drinking). What a coward. And to say those things in front of you?? One time my BF said he would break up with me if I ever got fat, and I took it seriously and got really mad at him, even though I am no where near close. he said it when we were out with people, and one of his friends (girl) was mad at him, too.
Guys are so insensitive, don't they know that it is a cardinal rule of relationships not to mention weight?
I know yous are in love and everything and you will work it out, he probably WAS showing off infront of friends, but what I would do (I am very vindictive), is break up, go to the gym everyday, than send him a snapshot a couple of months later with a note that says 'Your loss!' Better yet, a photo with a really hot guy.
That is soooo not cool to embarass you sexually infront of other guys, your man (boy in this case) needs to learn some class. My ex BF used to do that all the time, there is nothing like wanting to crawl under something when that happens.
best of luck Steph, there really is no way to sugarcoat this, it sucks! But just try to concentrate on Canada! Think happy thoughts, don't let him get you down, you will just feel worse physically.
let us know how things turn out!
After the great day you just had, you would think that Adrian would be more appreciative of you right now 
--------------------
-Sheri
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Steph
#126948 - 12/02/04 08:11 AM
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
I think the one you're on is a tricyclic AD. SSRI stands for selective seratonin rebuke inhibitor (SP?) they work by blocking and re-routing seratonin. There have been links to seratonin and IBS. Look through some of the articles in the library. It may be very beneficial for you to talk to your dr about adding in an SSRI, Zoloft, Wellbutrin or Lexapro seem to be the most popular.
I also just read the thing about Adrian and his comments. What a terrible thing for him to say!!! I would be crushed, this is exactly what you do not need right now! I also agree that the letter is a good idea. Since he has never done anything like this before and is trying to apologize, I think you guys can work it out but you do need to be honest with him how sick you are and let him know those types of comments are just not acceptable!! I would chaulk it up to being drunk abd the stress of moving but that doesn't excuse his actions!! GRRR!!! MEN!!!! Big Hugs Sweetie!!! Hang in there!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Get a good doctor to check it out then. There are real swallowing/throat problems that exist. Don't let your docs say that there's nothing wrong if you think there is!
Thanks, I LOVE that quote too.
I 100% agree with you. I want to be WAY better than just 'okay'! But today is a great day for me and I feel way better than ok. Actually,I feel fantastic! You will have fantastic days too. And if tomorrow happens to be yucky for me, I'll remember today and wait until the next great day comes along because it will.
I hope your life changes for the postive once your back in Canada! 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
OH MY! What a @#$% jerk!!!!
To SAY that to you at all is awful. But to humiliate you in front of his friends maks it even worse. iT SHOWS A LACK OF RESPECT. You are not blowing anything out of proportion. You hAve every right to be very angry.
I have my share of problems with my BF so I might not be the best person to give you advice -- but my first thought was to tell you to move on. His actions are hard to forgive and/or forget.
It is realy low. Let's dump OUR BF's and go on a trip to Australia or something!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
STEPH!
You're SO RIGHT!
So what if you don't go to the gym?
So what if you put on weight? Will he leave you when you're pregnant?
UGH!
Ok, must calm down now and get off high horse...
Steph, you are beautiful because you are YOU! You're sweet, caring, giving, kind, loving, funny, spunky, and full of life! You have a personality that shines through! Anyone can see that! It's not how you look (although I think you could be a model personality!) it's who you ARE!
I have been very sick! And I have put on 40 lbs since I married hubby  But he loves every bit of me! He knows it's not my fault even better than I know it!
If you don't like the way this guy is acting...I agree!
He'd better not make any more bad moves...he's acting like a big time LOSER!
Love ya Steph! No matter what!
*hugs*
Ruchie
--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Steph
#127000 - 12/02/04 10:03 AM
|
|
|
|
Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
|
|
|
I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time and them your BF has to say those things on top of it all. Men can be so insensative sometimes. If you want to continue your relationship with him you really need to be very honest about how his comments made you feel. Also let him know that you will not put up with being treated that way even if he was with his friends. You also need to be honest about how made you have been feeling lately and that you have hidden it from him because you didn't want to complain. Once you have dealt with your feelings and he understands how much he hurt you then you need to let it go. If you keep those hurt feelings inside it will just add stress and resentment and you don't need that.
Hugs
--------------------
Janey
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Steph! I can't believe that he would say that to you!! I think you've gotten a lot of great wisdom from some other people - but I definitely agree that you have every right to be mad at him. It's a good sign that he is desperately trying to talk to you and clearly he feels bad, but there was no excuse. I think you should use this as a chance to tell him everything you've been going through since you said that you don't really tell him everything like it is all the time - but let him know how sick you feel and that it depresses you and makes it physically difficult for you to do anything and instead he should be supportive and cheering you on when you still manage to get up every day and carry on. Granted, if someone said any of that stuff to me I'd probably really seriously consider leaving that person because no one has the right to make you feel like that - but after reading your response to Dalia's comments, I think maybe with some serious apologies and an understanding that you will never tolerate anything like that again, I think I'd give him a second chance since the move is probably really stressing him out and guys are stupid when they're drunk with other guys.
Well I hope that some of that made sense cause it's kind of all over the place, but I have to go to class now so BIG BIG hugs for you and try and take care of yourself because you are such a beautiful and amazing person and he needs to know how lucky he is to have you Look forward to the move!!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Steph hon ya know I don't even know what to say!!! I will tell you this Rich wouls NEVER disrespect me like that!!! You do not deserve to be treated that way!!! He should love you know matter what and respaect you no matter what!!
Big hugs hon!!!!!
--------------------
Heather7476
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Give us his address/email and we will bombard him with insults and see how he likes it.
I think that no matter how sweet guys are to our faces they do have these kinds of conversations all the time (BF would deny this but from my brothers and male buddies I know the truth!) His mistake was being such an idiot as to say this stuff to his face. I would confront him, tell him how much that stuff hurt you and that you are feeling vulnerable at the moment and it was really the last thing you needed, and him lying about it only made it worse.
Waiting for your post to tell us how much he grovelled and how big a bunch of flowers you got!!
Take care, sending you bucketfuls of hugs!
--------------------
S.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hey steph, I havent been on the boards much for the last couple of days due to a major deadline at uni, hence the reason Ive only just got round to typing this post! Had to come on and just let you know that you are a fabulous person and I know better times are ahead for you in canada...Im sure you'll be posting in a couple of months about how happy you are! Im just so sorry you're having it so rough at the moment and I can relate to so many of the things you've said...I got really ill when I was 13 and remember thinking like you I hope I never feel worse than this or I wont cope...and yes getting IBS at age 15 made me feel even worse! It can be so hard sometimes to stay upbeat no matter how much of a positive person you are underneath. As for your boyfriend Im sure everything will work out ok, Im sure he didnt mean it. You are a fantastic person and Im sure he'd be devastated if he lost you...he needs to know how lucky he is to have such a wonderful person! Do you know you're the first person whos posts I read when I first started using this website way back when. I always enjoy reading what you have to say....you're such a nice person and being young myself Ive been through a lot that you have and felt the same way too. Take care of yourself and stay positive, we're always here for you....keep us updated xx
--------------------
Natalie
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
ok.. I dunno if you remember about six months ago me and all my boy problems with my ex vinnie. Trust me, I know how hard it is not to want to stay and make things work, and to give in and think things are ok when they really aren't. Not that i'm saying that this is the case with you at all, but even when everyone else would say vinnies an a$$ dumped him.. it took quite a few times before I realized he really was being an ass.
Anyways, I do have a point! haha.
During this time.. a great friend from the boards (amandapanda) who I basically can't go a day without talking to now gave me some great advice.
Go back and reread all of your old posts. I did and it really put things in perspective. I can't go back and reread yours now cause i have way too much school work and i don't even remember if you'll even find anything bad that you've said about him before, but I remember you calling Adrian an A$$ on way more than one occassion.
Anyways.. Definitly go back and check them out. And i'm not telling you to dump him.. but maybe it will remind you of just how long this stuff is happening and prompt you to have a serious conversation about how to really fix things for good.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi Sinead!
I agree - I know guys have these conversations, but as long as I don't hear them I can live in the naive world of, "Well, MY boyfriend certainly doesn't do that!".
One thing that has always been really hard for me in relationships is that when I was in highschool, I was good friends with two guys who used to be pretty bad in that way. I was sorta adopted as 'one of the guys' for a while, and was included in all these conversations... Needless to say, I was shocked at the things they would say about their girlfriends! Then, I sort of got seen as more of a girl.. but they always used to make me feel really fat and unattractive and stuff 'cause of course they liked twig girls, and even though I was never fat I never felt like a girl guys would like.. if that makes any sense.. Just based on what they'd go on about.
It took me AGES to get over all that.. Well, alright, it's a longer story than that as I was actually head over heels for one of my friends who I ended up doing bad stuff with and let him make me feel like crap for about 2 years, but anyway..
I intend to explain that to Adrian, and let him know that I have no intention of letting him act in any similar way and finding myself back feeling self conscious and bad about myself.
Update: He has called and left me a bunch of messages, but I haven't called back. THEN his Dad rung him to see where he was (as his Dad is crazy and still thinks his 24 year old son is 12 (he's called him once since then)) and Adrian asked for me, so his Dad passed the phone over. As it was in front of his parents, I couldn't really do anything so I just took the phone and he told me where he was and how his Leaving Do was going (it's his last day at work from his 5 year job so it's a big deal - another reason I didn't want to fight with him on the phone). He asked if I was mad, and 'cause I was still in front of his parents I just said, "Okay, see you when you get home. Bye." and put the phone down so it seemed pleasant.
I was thinking about printing off everyone's responses from here and showing them to him, just to hammer the point home but I'm not sure.. I might just have words, or give him a letter. Or I might do nothing because he'll be drunk from his leaving do and it might be best to leave it.. so maybe a letter would be better.
I'll let you know how it goes!
I've told 2 people that know Adrian what happened, and they were all surprised and then just said, "Well, you know he didn't mean it... He was just being stupid around his friend 'cause he's weird like that." and then swore up and down that he would never do something like that on his own and was most likely just laughing along to his stupid friends as he was so drunk. Not an excuse I know, but at least he got good character references.
--Steph
--Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Steph,
I wouldn't print the responses out...my BF would freak if he though I spent my time on the boards talking about our fights, he is paranoid.
You are right not to spoil his leaving do, and at least he did call, he is obviously feeling bad. Something tells me that you will be getting woken up by a drunken cutie later apologising while slurring and telling you how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you.
You should say that he upset you because you are very sensitive about your weight and being spoken about like that and that you will explain all the reasons another time. (in my experience if you manage to get all this out before he is drunkenly snoring you are doing well... )
How many days on the countdown? You fly Monday is it?
--------------------
S.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
DAMN!
#127126 - 12/02/04 03:50 PM
|
|
|
|
Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
|
|
|
Oh, sweetie, I don't know where to begin.
I read your initial post, and I had a lot to say, but then when I began reading your update, I got so angry, I couldn't read any more of it. I'm sure you don't wanna hear what I really have to say, because it's not nice.
You can do SOOOO much better! Girlfriend, you have so much to offer, I just wish you realized it. You're so young, with your lifetime ahead of you, and you're wasting it on people who don't appreciate you. Believe me, I know -- the older you get, the more you realize life is too short to blow it with people who don't really love you.
I just know you will be so much happier when you move home. I had hoped that would have happened by now -- WHEN is it scheduled? I know you'll be much more comfortable around your family and people who truly DO love you, you'll be more relaxed, you'll start feeling better, and you'll get some good medical help. You need a good doctor, someone who will listen to you and try to help you. You obviously haven't gotten it over there.
I'm sorry, but I never did finish your post; I couldn't do it. I hope you will take a good look in the mirror at a lovely deserving young lady who can see above all that crap you're being dealt right now, and I hope you're strong enough to move away from it.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Bevvy
--------------------
<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
For Bev
#127131 - 12/02/04 04:06 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Hi Bev,
I haven't posted to you in ages! It's nice to hear from you again... well, maybe not nice considering the post, but you know what I mean.
First things first, I am moving back to Canada on Wednesday. I have already told my mom I want an appointment with my GP, she has looked into GI docs for me and I have more recently decided to get set up with a counsellor so I can hopefully not have such deep valleys when they come along.
Thank you for being angry for me.. I know that's a bit weird, but it does make me feel like I have support!
I think the reason I am mostly having a hard time with this is because Adrian is not a cruel person. In truth, he has had a hard time understanding all the stuff that goes along with having a girlfriend with IBS, BUT he has been more supportive to me than anyone in my family or my friends have ever been.
Then he swears up and down that it was his friends doing most of the complaining about their own girlfriends, and they have since admitted that the thing about 'surprised I'm not fatter than I am considering how lazy I am' was actually said by his friend, about his own girlfriend and he tried to say Adrian had said it.
I just want to hear it straight, then I'd be able to make up my own mind.. but by the time I got to Adrian, he was already too drunk to really follow much of the conversation at all.
I have written him a letter, explaining how much he hurt my feelings and how I am aware that there are certain people you are not required to keep in your life no matter what they say to you.. I've explained how bad I've been feeling (as I have been keeping it from him lately), how hard it is for me to be so 'lazy', how I expect nothing less than unconditional love and respect and that if he can't show me that he is on board with that 100%, he shouldn't make the big move with me.
Because he's never done anything like this before, I am hoping that the letter (and him sleeping on the floor tonight, which he doesn't yet know about) and because he really has been acting strange lately because of the move that I won't ever have to worry about it again. I have made it clear, though, that if I ever do... it will be the last time. That terrifies me, as I don't want to lose him.. on a good day, today I could let him sleep on the driveway. 
Where are you living now? We are driving to California in May and maybe we'll be able to stop by and say hello in you're on the way!
Thanks again for the post, all the responses have made me a wee bit emotional as I was feeling pretty low before I read them all.
*hugs*
Don't be a stranger!
Luv Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi there, hope you don't mind a boy butting in on the conversation. All us IBS'ers know that there are plenty of people out there worse off than us etc, (how many times have i heard that!) yet having this condition where you feel below par fairly constantly can tend to make you react to life in general quite negatively a lot of the time. We have to actively work harder to maintain a positive outlook, lets face it we all deserve medals!
Before i get lost in a twist of words let me try to cut to the chase.......in reading your posts, it appears to me that you do get stressed out a lot, which leads into the negative thought patterns and dispair (don't envy your life situation, torn between countries etc at all!).
Can i just suggest that if you haven't tried the hypno cd's that they might help a lot, as a lot of it is about training the mind to react to situations in a positive and helpful way. I have found this to be extremely helpful, not only in dealing directly with IBS, but just in being more able to relax and think things through re life in general. RE-inforcing the positive thought patterns as opposed to the negative.
This might appear a little rude, but please no offence intended, but perhaps a good place to start would be to change your log in name from unhappy tummy to something more positive. Even though you know the tummy could be better behaved, every time you see it on the screen this is in effect negatively re-inforcing in the sub-conscious the fact that you have an unhappy tummy, which won't help, after all we wouldn't leave post it notes on the fridge telling our selves we feel sick now would we.
These are just my thoughts, and i know from experience that the last thing we like to hear when we are down is someone saying "think positive", but it is oh so important! i hope that things improve for you soon
all the best
Ralph
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
The CDs have been really really helpful for me. And I have thought the same thing, Steph, about your screenname. I think, sometimes, when we are so used to feeling bad all the time, that it just becomes a familiar kind of pain, and we either let it linger because we don't care anymore, or we linger in it because as much as it's uncomfortable, at least it's familiar. Does that make any sense? Like, nobody enjoys feeling crappy, so don't misunderstand, but I think sometimes we are afraid to let go of the icky feelings because our brains get nervous about change. I'm not a shrink, that's just my two cents.
You have to make up your own mind about Adrian. Sounds like you are thinking about things carefully. We all put up with things that our friends never would, and vice versa. So in the end, you have to decide what you are willing to put up with, ya know? Good luck, feel better, stay healthy,
Panda
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
Like, nobody enjoys feeling crappy, so don't misunderstand, but I think sometimes we are afraid to let go of the icky feelings because our brains get nervous about change.
Hi Panda, and isn't that the strangest feeling revelation when the penny drops that our brain might be holding onto this familiar discomfort! There were several moments throughout the tapes where i realised that my mind was trying a little sabotage to hold onto old patterns!
Ralph
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
How's it going with Adrian? That sucks. And you've got a great body - alot of men adore your shape. I mean... petite with big boobs, come on!!!!
Give him hell and make sure you feel happy with him before you fly out!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
Posts
