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Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | (show all) Advice needed - long post       #125619 - 11/27/04 09:52 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hi all, ok I am thinking that I do want out of this relationship that I've been in for 10 years. It's a super scary thought but things aren't getting any better and I am realizing that he's very controlling. For example, some nights he won't let me cook what I want in the kitchen because it will use too many dishes. And we have a dishwasher! I can't eat everything that I want to, so if I want to make a veggie stri-fry, let me!! #2 - I planned a girl's night at my our apartment and told him about it before it happened. He had a hissy fit and tried his hardest to get me to cancel it. He said he didn't want me having all my friends over without him. But they are all his best friend's girlfriends or wives?!! It didn't end up happening because not everyone had that night free. It was supposed to be tonight, actually... Oh ya, we've lived here so 7 months now and have yet to ahve our friends over for more than the first 5 min tour. I've had my friend Wendy over several times and don't know why it's ok that she comes over? I was planning on having a good friend's baby shower here. he made me ask another friend if she could have it at her place instead. Even though her dad is basically super ill and she's often out of town visiting him. geesh...selfish... She said yes because she's closer to the friend of ours having the babby, plus she's s supr sweet gal. #3 - Here's one more example. He's in a band and practices every Saturday. So he tells me that I have to stay in bed until 11am (every Saturday) because he wants to get up and have the place to himself to eat and wake up until he leaves. What the heck is that all about? I've done so but am getting soooo tired of all his "house rules". I feel like he's my dad, not boyfriend. The worst part is that when I try to get him to see how he is, he blames me saying that it's my fault or whatever. He always turns it around somehow. His latest thing is to tell me on a daily basis that I'm crazy and that if I don't smarten up, he'll leave me. DO IT, I say. Well no... I think it. So today I called places looking for a one bedroom apt. The thing is, how much notice so I give him? And how do I live with him until then? Plus, he's so controlling (never violent, don't worry, just lots of yelling) that I don't think he'll let me leave. We've had the discussion about breaking up before and he tells me that it would be devasting for him financially. He also says he loves me but it seems like he doesn't even "like" me anymore. We had planned on eventually buying a house together and getting married. That kept me around longer as I want those two things. But now I am realizing that we'll just bicker in a house and nothing will change. We aren't good for each other, I guess. It's so very sad as I do still love him and honestly thought he was my soulmate. I feel so bad because he's super broke (he is awful with money!!!) but I think I need to break away from him and have my own life. I think he is emotionally abusive and this is so unhealthy!!! Can I please get advice from anyone that's left a boyfriend that they've lived with. I don't know how to do it. Also, do you guys think I'm right and that HE is the only who is messed up and NOT ME? Thanks. And I am so glad that I can vent about this here. All my friends are in our little circle so I would never tell them any of this. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125621 - 11/27/04 10:08 AM Edit Reply Quote Janey Reged: 10/25/03 Posts: 1716 Loc: Maryland Sara-Sage, First I am very sorry that you are going through all of this with your boyfriend. It sounds very stressful and you know we IBS'ers don't handle stress very well. From reading your post I can tell you that it is NOT your fault. You are not responsible for his actions and he sounds like he is very unreasonable to me and controlling. You must do what is best for you and if moving out is the best thing then do it. You can't worry about his money issues. Years ago I left my first husband after being married a couple of years. I told him that in 30 days I would be moving out and I have to say that 30 days was long and very uncomfortable. If you decide to leave I would give a short notice and go. You say you don't think he will let you leave, how will he stop you? Maybe it is best to just pack up and go without any notice. Situations like this are made more difficult when you don't have someone you can talk to. I am glad that you have the supportive people on the boards. I will be thinking about you and I wish you luck with your decision. -------------------- Janey Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125624 - 11/27/04 10:13 AM Edit Reply Quote heather7476 Reged: 08/09/04 Posts: 2996 Loc: South East Michigan BIG HUGE HUGS!!!!! Honey I have never been in your place, but this is my advice!! If your not happy then leave!!If you have tried to talk it out. If you have treid everything then leave!!! You have to be happy. You don't want another couple of years to go bye and think I should have left back then!!! My heart is breaking for you!! I can't imagine how hard this will be!! BUT You are a strong, smart,and beautifull women!!! You can do this!!! Try not to worry about his money issues!! They are his not yours!! I know that is going to be hard because you still care for him but it is something you are going to have to do!!! HUGS!!! Verbal abuse can be JUST as BAD as if he hit you!!! I think it hurst longer and does more damange than a fist, that is just my view!!! It has been 14years since my dad hit me and I can't rember what it felt like, but I always rember how I felt when he Verbaly abused my mom and me!!! It still hurts today!!! You are to young, smart and pretty to be this sad and to be treated that way!!!! Good Luck and BIG HUGS!!!!!!!! -------------------- Heather7476 Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Janey       #125625 - 11/27/04 10:16 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Thanks for your response. Yes, this stress is pretty bad for my IBS. I think if I was apart from him that I would feel even better IBS-wise as I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. I wouldn't be able to leave without saying goodbye or anything like that. And 2 weeks isn't enough time for him to find a roommate. The place that I'm looking at tomorrow is for December 1st which is not going to happen. I just want to look anyway. I am also not doing well financially (paying off new car) and if I live on my own I will have to pay an extra $200+ a month extra in rent for my own place. This fact has deterred me from leaving earlier. But I have to think of my happiness. I can't help but hope there's some sweet, funny, happy-go-lucky guy out there that will let me cook, have friend's over and be happy. Sigh... Thanks again, it helps so much to get this all out. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Heather       #125628 - 11/27/04 10:21 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Oh Heather, your post almost made me cry. You're so sweet. I agree that verbal abuse is pretty awful. He has called me every swear word in the book. I finally got it through his thick skull to stop that and he hasn't called me a single bad name in months. But for him to even do that at all is pretty deplorable! I should have packed my bags that @#$* night! Then it would have been 100% his fault and I could have left right there and then. I agree that I should not be treated this way. Re-reading what I've written makes me see that it's pretty terrible and not just some minor relationship problem. Thanks again, you're too sweet! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125629 - 11/27/04 10:23 AM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC Hey SS, I left one I'd lived with for 6 months when I was 24. It was hard on him, but he couldn't say he hadn't seen it coming. I always figure a sharp ax is better than a dull knife, so I made arrangements in secret and did the physical moving while he was out. Are you on the lease? If so you have to give 30 days notice to your landlord, or more for some. If you are on the lease and he's not, you can transfer title to him if he wants to stay (most landlords prefer that cos they don't have to do anything). If you are not on the lease and he is, you can leave anytime, which is what I did. The easiest thing for me was not drawing out the breaking up period. You've been together for a while so he'll get emotional and have more time to try to get back at you if you draw it out. The best thing to do is leave physically imediately. Stay at a friend's or parent's. When it's over, it's over. If it's not over and you just want to be treated better, you can handle it differently. Show him the brochures for the one-bedroom apartment. Show him the cardboard boxes you've brought home. Say as little as possible. (When one person talks a lot, the other one will shut up as compensation. Make him talk.) Ask him, "Are you going to be ok finding a place to stay? I want to know you're going to be all right." This will club him upside his sorry head. You just can't see yourself living under these rules any longer, and it's not a partnership anymore. Tell him so. Well, whatever you decide, take your computer with you so you can have us close by. Good luck-- ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: SS       #125632 - 11/27/04 10:27 AM Edit Reply Quote Janey Reged: 10/25/03 Posts: 1716 Loc: Maryland I know the financial aspect of living on your own is very scary and difficult. You do deserve to be happy in life and you don't deserve to be treated like a child and to be controlled. If you decide to leave it will be difficult but if it is what you really want you will be so much happier. That special guy is out there waiting for you. Lots of hugs -------------------- Janey Edited by Janey (11/27/04 10:30 AM) Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125634 - 11/27/04 10:29 AM Edit Reply Quote khyricat Reged: 08/05/04 Posts: 3612 Loc: Michigan a) I second Heather- THIS IS ABUSE!!! plain and simple.. I've lived through it before... secondly- notice, etc depends on whose name/names are on the lease. I agree with others that no notice is better then a lot, but if your name is on that lease- you can move out but still eb accountable for rent- not good, so how you handle things will need to be different. Please take care of yourself, and get out soon and carefully, if you do stay after telling him your leaving him, make sure you are safe and have a place to escape to if you aren't.. he may not be physically violent now, but who knows what your leaving will do! Amie -------------------- Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010) IBS - A Dairy Allergic Fructose and MSG intollerant Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Sara-Sage!       #125635 - 11/27/04 10:31 AM Edit Reply Quote Stephie Reged: 03/10/04 Posts: 2696 Loc: Vancouver, Canada Oh honey! I am so sorry you are going through all this! It seems like you have been dealing with this for quite a while now, and I think that's probably an indication that you've really thought it through so that's good. I just want to say that it really seems like the problems in your relationship aren't your fault. If he is that controlling and that self-involved, you definitely deserve better. All these "rules" that you're talking about seem absolutely ridiculous! I can't imagine how you've put up with it so long, being told when you're allowed to get up and who you're allowed to socialise. It's like my sorta in-laws here, he doesn't let her use the car, he puts a bar on the phone so she can't even use her own phone, etc, etc and it makes me feel so bad for her. And I would hate to be, or for any of my friends (and you too!!) to be in a situation like that. The other thing is, you have an illness (or whatever) that means that sometimes you might need more support than someone else. It sounds like your boyfriend not only doesn't offer you that extra support, but does the exact opposite! You aren't crazy, and the last thing you need when you are feeling unwell is for someone to behave in a way that makes you feel even worse! I agree with Janey about the time thing, I would try and leave it to the last minute before you can actually leave. If he is so controlling, I imagine that the time after you say the word could be really awkward and unpleasant. I'd secure yourself a place to go (even temporarily) and then tell him what you are doing, and then you can just leave. I really hope you can get out of this as easily and smoothly as possible, and your quality of life will really improve if he gives you stress that makes your tummy bad! Good luck, we'll be here for you!! *hug hug hugs* Luv Steph -------------------- ~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20 IBS-D,pain. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Heather       #125636 - 11/27/04 10:32 AM Edit Reply Quote heather7476 Reged: 08/09/04 Posts: 2996 Loc: South East Michigan Honey YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!! He has some BIG issues it sounds like!!! If he is not a happy person he will never make you happy!!! I have to agree with everyone and say just LEAVE!! Don't drag it out!! If you can get that apartment on the 1st take it hon!!! Verbal abuse CAN lead to phsical abuse!! You don't need him bieng an Ass to you for the next few weeks while you try to get out!!! I feel so bad for you!! I wish I could give ya big hug!!! YOU WILL BE OK!!!! HE WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!! YOU WILL SURVIE WITHOUT HIM!!!! I know it may not seem like it now but you both will!!! I know you love him, but sometimes the things we love are JUST NO GOOD for us!!! BIG HUGS!!! Keep us posted!!!! WE are all here for you!!! -------------------- Heather7476 Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Nelly       #125638 - 11/27/04 10:37 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hi there. You know what, our lease is up in May. I always had it in the back of my mind that if by then things were still awful that I wouldn't renew the lease. It's in both of our names. The thing is, if we don't renew the lease, we have to give them 2 month's notice. So I would have to live with him for 2 months? No way! I like your idea about showing him the info on the apartment to smarten him up. But, we go through these fights, make up and everything's swell for a week or two and then *bam!* back to the way it's always been. So he would just do that little routine again to keep me and I'd get sucked in like I always do. I am starting to think it will have to be a mutual breakup and he'll have to agree to letting me leave. Or maybe he'd move out. He doesn't seem happy either. Maybe we'll have to say goodbye. Which is sad as I can't imagaine not having him around to talk to anymore.... Although when I do talk, he tells me to stop complaining all of the time. He can't handle my IBS very well. I might be able to stay with my friend Barbara (a good work friend) as she wanted me to move in with her into her 2 bedroom apt. She knows the whole story and had a huge breakup herslef just a few months ago. Maybe I should take her up on her offer. Thanks Nelly, for some good advice. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Heather       #125641 - 11/27/04 10:45 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hi again, He's never been abusibe physically to me but has hit my car steering well pretty darn hard in the middle of a fight. Oh ya, one time he was driving MY CAR and he got so mad at me. He stopped the car on the road, got out and walked away. I was left stunned to try and quickly get into the passenger seat and drive off. He has a bad temper. I cannot stand that at all!!!!!! Oh, I'm getting mad remembering all the things I've tried to forget. I need a plan on how and when to leave. This much is becoming clear to me. Thanks... and I'll keep you posted. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: SS       #125642 - 11/27/04 10:45 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Yes, I know it will be hard. But I think a huge Visa balance is worth it if I'm happy. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Amie       #125644 - 11/27/04 10:47 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 The lease thing is tricky. Maybe I should look into what I should do with a local housing office or something. I am SO GLAD that we're not married or have kids! Actually, he's always told me I'd be a terrible mom as I'm impatient. he's said that I'm not mom material. As it turns out, I don't want kids but now wonder if I would if I met a great guy? Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Apartment       #125646 - 11/27/04 10:49 AM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC Hey, if it's in both of your names, can't you just sign over the place to him? Let him have the apartment totally to himself. It would cost him GOBS of money to get a new place, and if he doesn't have cash saved up, this would be the best option for him. Otherwise if you both leave, he's stuck. Don't put yourself through hell just cause of convienience. That's 6 months of you wasting your pretty face on this guy. Throw some money at it and it'll go away. Can you ask your parents or sell something? ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Steph       #125647 - 11/27/04 10:56 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hi there. It's gone from bad to worse. I have been wanting to leave him for years now. Why I haven't done so yet is beyond me. I guess it's such a scary prospect. His rules make me feel like a kid. I also can't eat on the couch that he bought. I do anyway and he tells me that I have a terrible memory as he's told me not to do that. I remind him that I know he's said it but I don't agree with it at all. He gets mad and says I never listen to him and don't respect his property at all. He's also turned off his tv if I'm watching something that he doesn't like. He's even hidden the remote on me. And he disassembles his stereo when he's working all weekend so I can't have anyone over to watch movies ot listen to music with. Gosh, he sounds like a monster! I'm so used to this by now that I almost feel like it's normal. As you can tell, 95% of the things in our apartment are his things. So I'd need to buy myself a couch, tv, computer, and whatver else... $$$ My parents don't know how he is and will be shocked when we do break up. he's very nice in front of them to me. But my 2 nieces that have spent 2 weekends with us don't agree. They like him but always ask me why he yells at me and tells me he is mean to me. Thanks Steph and I need to make a plan. Reading everyone's replies is making me feel like I can do it. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Apartment       #125650 - 11/27/04 11:01 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 I think he would stay too! He hates moving and 95% of the stuff in the apartment is his. So he wouldn't lose a penny. He'd just need a roommate but that would be HIS problem. I think this suggestion is the best yet. Thanks. So I'd need to find a place and maybe give him 2 weeks notice or something like that. Hmmm.... that's a bit more doable. If I could find a place with the first month free then I could leave even sooner. Thanks genius! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Apartment       #125651 - 11/27/04 11:07 AM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC It's great you don't have communal stuff. It makes it so much easier for you this way!! Save your cash and go as soon as you can afford it. You've already decided it was the best decision long ago!! That's the hardest part!!! Girl power!!! I asked my BF and he sez, tell her just kill him, that's what I'd do. (!!!) OK, yikes! He assures me he's kidding. Now where did I hide my mad money...? ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Apartment       #125653 - 11/27/04 11:22 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Ha, ha that's funny. I know some guys can't stand to see other guys acting this way. If my BF's dad knew, he'd kill him. He adores me and honestly thinks of me as another daughter. My BF's sister knows some of what's been going on and it will really upset her a lot when we break up. She wants me as a sister in law and all that mushy stuff. But she's always told me to do what is right for me and she'll support me. Oh ya, my parents have an old hideous loveseat that I could probably have, I'd just need a slipcover. Tv's are so cheap, I could get one for $200, I'm sure. It's the rent that's a killer. In Ottawa, rental prices are crazy! A one bedroom place is between $600-900 and then you have to add heat and hydro. My share right now is only $550 plus cable and phone as extras. Yikes. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Amie       #125661 - 11/27/04 11:43 AM Edit Reply Quote khyricat Reged: 08/05/04 Posts: 3612 Loc: Michigan you probably would with the right guy... I'd talk to the local housing office, but start with the owner or landlord- if your name isn't on the lease at all its a non issue.. and another option for you $ wise- look for someone looking for a roomate or housemate.. if you can survive him for so long, you can survive being some womans housemate no matter what her idiosyncracies are... at least for a bit and save some more $$ for your own place.. also sit and write out a budget- you may be surprised if you cut out extra expenses what you can afford. Amie -------------------- Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010) IBS - A Dairy Allergic Fructose and MSG intollerant Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Amie       #125662 - 11/27/04 11:52 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 I am on the lease. I think I might talk to the lady in the rental office downstairs. Maybe I'll tell her that I'm thinking of leaving my BF and ask if my name can be removed from the lease? Is that a safe move? Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Amie       #125664 - 11/27/04 12:01 PM Edit Reply Quote khyricat Reged: 08/05/04 Posts: 3612 Loc: Michigan yes, or ask her what your options are... if she says you need to give notice or even if your resosible for making sure he pays rent the entire time its still better to move out and leave him.. even if you need to borrow the money for a bit! Amie -------------------- Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010) IBS - A Dairy Allergic Fructose and MSG intollerant Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Apartment       #125677 - 11/27/04 03:33 PM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC Hah. I pay US$1245 a month plus about $200 in utilities (elect+phone) for a 2 bedroom/2 bath apt in the boonies of MD. It cost me close to $4000 in deposits and fees just to move in. And I'm not even in the city. See? It could be worse!! ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     OH Gee...       #125678 - 11/27/04 03:39 PM Edit Reply Quote barbie Reged: 04/22/04 Posts: 2435 Loc: Texas I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I agree with the others that you do need to get out. He's definitely not the one for you. I have a friend that married a control freak and she is miserable. You are young and you don't need to waste any more time on him. You need to make a plan, though, before you tell him. He will probably make you feel guilty....but that's to be expected. You will just have to muster up all your strength and go through with it. Do you have a close friend that can help you go through this? I think you will be so much happier on your own....he is just bringing you down. I wish there was something I could tell you that would make it easier but there's not. Just want to wish you the best of luck and sending you many hugs. Barbie -------------------- Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Oh, SO much to say on this one...       #125725 - 11/28/04 02:35 AM Edit Reply Quote atomic rose Reged: 06/01/04 Posts: 7013 Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!) Been there, done that. My first husband was like that, and then some. It started out being "just" emotional abuse, but eventually did end up being physical and sexual as well. You're totally right in thinking that things will NOT get better, because they won't. You're also totally right in thinking that things aren't right, because they're not - if your gut instinct is telling you to go, GO. God, this sounds like my first marriage, right down to him being broke and bad with money. Don't let that guilt you into staying, ok? It's not healthy, and if your gut is telling you that need to get out, listen to it and get out. Honestly, when I left my ex, I left without any warning or notice at all - just grabbed a few things in the morning before work, and never came back home. I went back for the rest of my things a couple weeks later. But our situation was different; there was physical abuse in there as well. To keep things as simple (?) and peaceful as possible, I'd say to find an apartment, and once you're able to get in it, THEN tell him you're moving out. And be prepared to do it THAT DAY, even if it's just a couple changes of clothes in a backpack. The last thing you want is to spend days or weeks or whatever living with a guy who's not only controlling, but also trying to manipulate you into staying. Anyway, my inbox is always open if you want to talk or vent or whatever - like I said, I've been there, and I know how scary it is. *hugs* PS - Telling someone that they're crazy on a daily basis IS abuse. What a jerk. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Tina       #125764 - 11/28/04 09:04 AM Edit Reply Quote cailin Reged: 08/12/04 Posts: 3563 Loc: Dublin, Ireland I haven't been there but I have a very definite line of advice....GET OUT OF THERE ASAP! Staying with your friend seems like a great idea, she will have the furniture etc. Personally I would borrow a month's rent, give it to him and leave without notice. Move your stuff sometime that you know he won't be in. The last thing you need is him guilt-tripping you. His financial situation is no longer your concern. I agree with the others that verbal abuse is terrible. My Dad belittles my Mum a lot and doesn't give any value to her point of view and it just shreds her confidence. Get out and make a new start, we will all be here for you. -------------------- S. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Tina       #125800 - 11/28/04 11:23 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 It's so hard to write about this today as today's been a good day for us. That's what makes it so hard. When it's bad, I start thinking I need to get out. And when it's good, I start thinking that it's not al that bad. It's a vicious cycle, I think. My dad does the same to my mom. He is super impatient with her all yells at her if she hasn't handed him the spoon (or whatever it maye be) quickly enough. It makes me soooo mad and I've asked her about it. She says it's not worth making a fuss about and she just ingnores him. I know how relationships can be complicated so I stay out of it. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh, SO much to say on this one...       #125803 - 11/28/04 11:30 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hi Casey, I started writing back to you this morning but he came into the room so I closed my response and lost everything I had written. Darn. Let me say that I'm sorry you had to go through a bad marriage with an abusive man. That must have been incredible tough for you to leave. I am SO glad that you did as you seem pretty happy with Adam. I think what I'll do is keep on the lookout for places to live. When my friend from work (the one that offered to have me move in) returns from her 2 week long trip, I think I'll go look at her place. It's in a beautiful area of town that I've always wanted to live in. It would also be way less than living on my own and I'd have some company. I could never tell him I'm leaving and have to live with him for weeks. That would be awful as I know he's make it a living hell for me. I wrote back to Sinead that today's a good day and he's being petty nice. It's days like today that I find it hard to imagine leaving him. Did you find that too? It's only when he's nasty that I get determined to do it. What made you finally go? Thanks so much for sharing this personal info as I know you probably want to forget it. You're a pal. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Oh boy!!!       #125805 - 11/28/04 11:33 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Nelly, that's an arm and a leg! I take what I said back! I base this on my home town where my parents rent the other half of their suburb, 3 bedroom, 2 bath, huge yard duplex for $800!!! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: OH Gee...       #125807 - 11/28/04 11:37 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Thanks Barbie. It's something that I'll have to get the strength to finally do. I feel like if he could really see how he acts towards me he'd be ashamed and appaled. He can't see how he is for some reason. He is not the free- spirited, happy-go-lucky guy I met 10 years ago. I know his job is very stressful and he must take it out on me? I don't know when it happned. I think he's always been this way (controlling)but it toolk us moving in together to come out. We've only been living together for 5 of the 10 years. And that's about 5 years too long. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125812 - 11/28/04 11:47 AM Edit Reply Quote *Melissa* Reged: 02/22/03 Posts: 4508 Loc: ; I know you've gotten TONS of excellent advice already - I just wanted to say I double all of that. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. It won't be easy, but it is possible to get out. You have to do what's right for you. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh boy!!!       #125813 - 11/28/04 11:50 AM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC Man, we need to live THERE. You can come stay with me if you don't mind a husky licking your face at odd hours of the night. ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh boy!!!       #125827 - 11/28/04 12:51 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 I know! If only it wasn't a tiny icky town and I'd live there too! Ha ha. Your dog's adorable. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh, SO much to say on this one...       #125828 - 11/28/04 12:51 PM Edit Reply Quote atomic rose Reged: 06/01/04 Posts: 7013 Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!) Hey Tina! Actually, for some weird reason, it doesn't bother me at all to talk about it. I guess that's the difference between consciously deciding to remember it and having no choice when I'm having flashbacks. Anyway, yeah, I went through the same thing - he was actually really nice to me most of the time. When he got drunk, or he was in one of his "moods", well, different story. The niceness is what made me stick around for a year and a half. I don't even remember what happened that made me decide to leave, I just know that one day I realized I deserved better - and I DIDN'T deserve the abuse, even "only now and then". I'm glad I did it the way I did, by the way. When I left, he went completely ballistic. Calling me at work, calling me at home, following me, assault... ugh. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I'd told him I was leaving and then STAYED there for any amount of time. He'd probably have killed me, quite honestly. ANYWAY - I'm SO glad you have an option there with your friend at work. That sounds just about ideal. Good luck! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh boy!!!       #125831 - 11/28/04 12:57 PM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC He's watching me post this with his head on my shoulder. I keep trying to point out his picture to him, but it's a hard concept for him. I get a kick out of looking at him, looking at his avatar, and looking at him again. I'm easy to amuse, tho. ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh, SO much to say on this one...       #125832 - 11/28/04 01:03 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hey there! I think that's what makes it so hard. If he was always a jerk it would be much easier. But you are right that "now and then" is still too much. It should be never! I do think that possibly moving in with my co-worker might be ideal. She's a great gal. She's in a long distance relationship now and wants someone there since she's away so much. She might move to his city eventually if it gets more serious so it might not be a long term living situation for me. But it might make a good transition. A worry of mine is what he'll do when I leave. Will he call me at work non-stop or send me a million emails? And worst yet, what if I never hear from him again? I think it would be so hard not having him in my life. I have lots of friends but not too many that I can call out of the blue to come over. I know when I'm single, I'll have to make an effort to make plans with people or I'll get so bored and lonely. How did you meet Adam? Or how long were you single until you dated again? I think I'm one of those women who is afraid of being alone. But honestly, the thought of dating again is kinda exciting. There's a cute tattooed guy in my yoga class. Thanks so much Casey, it means the world to be able to talk about this, especially since you've been through it. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh boy!!!       #125834 - 11/28/04 01:06 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 What's his name? What a sweetie. I love dogs so much. I'd love to get one but need to wait until I have a stable home, preferably a house with a big yard. Tell him I say hi. he he Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh boy!!!       #125859 - 11/28/04 02:37 PM Edit Reply Quote Nelly Reged: 08/06/04 Posts: 4381 Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC His name is Kodiak! He came with a name tho, I didn't pick it. I'm going to get him a harness and sled so he can pull me to the grocery store when the car's snowed in. No snow yet, tho!! ~nelly~ Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125863 - 11/28/04 02:50 PM Edit Reply Quote Sheri01 Reged: 04/19/04 Posts: 1731 Loc: New Jersey Yeah, if it is what you want you should DEFINATELY get outta there Tina! And that thing about staying in bed til 11:00, that is so f---ing weird! (excuse my languauge!) I never knew things were like this for you! From someone that has been in a controlling, but not very physically violent abusive relationship, I really feel for you. It is really cut and dry, it seems, to know that your BF is abusive and to leave when he is hitting you, but if he is controlling your life in a non-phyiscal way it is hard to see. HE is definately not right for you. How much notice should you give him? When you are walking out the door with your boxes. Or after you have moved everything into your apt while he is at work. Leave himn a note. You can be humane about it, but if you give him notice he will make living with him H**l, and may try to talk you into staying, but you have your mind made up. Don't feel bad for him. If he cannot afford to live without you, then it sounds like he is sponging off of you. He is horrible with money, so you have to be smart with your so he has somewhere to live?! That is Bulls**t. This is curious, too, he has all the control, but he is more dependent on your for the money to live in the apartment? Sounds like you should have the upper hand and give him weird rules if you want. Just sounds weird to me. Don't feel bad, people always land on their feet. HE will find somewhere to live if he can no longer afford the apartment you share. Or he will get a roommate. It sounds like yous have a lot of friends, someone will help if he needs it, but NOT you. just one thing to beware of, he WILL make you the bad guy, and it may ruin alot, if not all, of your friendships in that inner circle you mentioned. So you have to be ready to deal with that if it happens. Good luck to you, and be careful. (one last thing- guys that are controlling, but not violent CAN turn violent, I have seen it happen, so again, be careful) -------------------- -Sheri Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     staying in bed...       #125870 - 11/28/04 03:24 PM Edit Reply Quote cailin Reged: 08/12/04 Posts: 3563 Loc: Dublin, Ireland My BF likes it when I stay in bed on Sunday mornings, he likes to get to grips with the Sunday papers before I get up. However, the staying in bed bit is certainly not imposed on me, its my choice absolutely. I LOVE BED, so it works out well for both of us! He goes out and buys me a fresh bread treat (its used to be a croissant ) The odd time when I get up early he is genuinely amazed to see me but realises that I am more fun to spend time with than the papers. It would be so odd if he MADE me stay in bed. Good luck Tina! (sheri has said some strong words and I agree with her-we all know its a lot easier for us to say it than for you to do it but we are ALL with you on this) -------------------- S. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh boy!!!       #125885 - 11/28/04 04:15 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 You're too funny! Go for it. people will think you're nuts and that would be too hilarious! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #125886 - 11/28/04 04:16 PM Edit Reply Quote AmandaPanda, J.D. Reged: 04/26/04 Posts: 1490 Loc: New York, New York Oh Tina, this doesn't sound good. I reccommend calling in sick to work one day this week, moving out all of your stuff into anyone's apartment who will have you, and dealing with the rent/lease stuff later. You probably won't have any luck getting taken off the lease -- they won't just absolve you of your obligation to pay rent and switch the entire obligation to your boyfriend. But even if you have to go into some debt to deal with this, you should. It's time to move out, now. I know you have the resolve to do it, so just commit to putting yourself first and get out. Best of luck, Panda -------------------- Amanda I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Sara.........       #125888 - 11/28/04 04:41 PM Edit Reply Quote Snow for Sarala Reged: 03/12/03 Posts: 5430 Loc: West Coast, USA LEAVE HIM! For you. Your children. Your soul. I have been abused. Verbally, emotionally, sexually. It is NOT YOUR FAULT...HE is NOT your responsibility. YOU are your responsibility. I broke up with the last abusive guy I dated on the phone (before I met hubby). I called him and ended it. Religiously I never lived with this guy...but it HURT! I thought I might marry him one day... This guy is NOT FOR YOU! And if you can't leave him for yourself... Leave him for me. It hurts me so much to know you are hurting. You deserve a guy like my husband! He cooks when I can't. He BIKES to the store to get my meds (he has a vision prob and can't drive by himself...so when I can't even get out of bed...he goes WITHOUT me on his bike...even 45 mins there and back when we lived in NY). He is VERY supportive of me having a women's group in our home (I can't cause I'm sick atm...but I was supposed to and he encouraged it). My husband may not buy me flowers or be a romatic-a-holic...but he LOVES me...ALL of me. the upset tummy me, the fibroed-out me, the crying me, the smiling me, the can't-get-out-of-bed me, the itchy me (rashes), etc. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE THIS! and he IS out there...waiting for you to break up with the guy you're with now. I am NOT one to be blunt...but I am deeply hurt by your post. I can relate to well to what you are going through. NO ONE should go through this! Especially not YOU! *hugs* the fact that you're afraid he won't let you leave is SCARY! A guy did that me to before...he's the one I broke up with on the phone. GET OUT OF THERE...you don't need this abuse! He's a person. He doesn't have power over you. And don't give to him! If you want to leave...leave. E-mail me any time...I'm here for you! I'm sorry you're going through this...but you're not alone. Sara, take care of yourself! And keep positive...you're very strong! You CAN do this! With love, prayers, strength, hugs, and an outreached hand, Ruchie -------------------- Formerly known as Ruchie Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     I take it you're the one paying the rent...       #125918 - 11/28/04 06:35 PM Edit Reply Quote XXXXX Reged: 11/23/04 Posts: 210 Loc: South East Texas is he on your lease? What about putting HIM out? Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     I like this idea.       #125939 - 11/28/04 09:29 PM Edit Reply Quote Lefty1 Reged: 08/09/04 Posts: 157 Get out all at once. Leave behind any guilt. You have made your decision. (It is a good, sound decision) What about giving the landlord your half-of-the-months rent and letting her/him know that you would like to be removed from the lease. (I agree you should borrow if you must) I believe that you can leave without dealing with the financial part of the problem till cooler heads prevail (meaning his)! So sorry you have this extra money complication. Good Luck! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh, SO much to say on this one...       #125944 - 11/28/04 10:19 PM Edit Reply Quote atomic rose Reged: 06/01/04 Posts: 7013 Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!) Heh. My love life since That Jerk (tm) has been a soap opera unto itself. I met Adam within a couple months, but I was actually already dating someone else... Adam and I didn't get together till 5 or 6 years later, but at that point, I'd been completely single - not even dating casually, really - for about a year. That was the longest I had ever been single my entire life, since I was a teenager, and it was weird at first, but I got to really enjoy it. Not that I feel like I'm chained down or anything like that, but being completely free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, is awesome. Adam and I met online. Back in 1997, when you could still meet people via chat programs like ICQ (these days, if new people message you, 9 times out of 10 it's porn spam, LOL!). I won't get into the whole story, but thanks to my stupidity - basically - we lost touch and didn't speak for 4 years. I tracked him down last summer (2003), and within 2 months, I moved from NY to Maine to live with him. And I've never been happier! I hope it works out with your coworker. I think it would be a perfect transition for you - I know that when I first left my ex, I went back home (I really didn't have anywhere else to go), and I was grateful for that because it meant I wasn't alone - both because he went fruity on me, and also because I had never lived alone before. Even if it's not a long-term solution, it would be great for you to be living with someone; it'll cut any potential lonelies. Try not to worry too much about what he'll do when you leave... or, at least, don't worry about it so much that it affects your decision. It will definitely be weird at first, but you'll be fine. Anyway, glad I can be here for ya! I'm always around if you need to talk - even if I'm not hanging around the boards (I've been kind of busy lately), I'm always reachable by email. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Oh, just realized something...       #125969 - 11/29/04 03:56 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 No, we split the rent 50-50. But I am on the lease and just realized that I am the one who gave the landlord 12 post-dated cheques coming from MY ACCOUNT! So if I leave he won't care as the FULL AMOUNT will still be coming from my acount everything month. Not good. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Sara.........       #125970 - 11/29/04 03:58 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Ruchie, You're so sweet. I know all that you're saying is so true. Your husband sounds like an angel. I'm so happy that he's always there for you. You deserve the best! Thanks so much. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Oh, SO much to say on this one...       #125972 - 11/29/04 04:05 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 What a cute story about how you guys met. Maybe it was fate! As I mentionned in a nother reply in this thread, I just realized that the landlord has post-dated cheques for the entire year all in my name from my account. that's obviously a problem. I'm starting to think that I'll ahve to break up with him in a civil way and we'll both have to go down to the office together and sort the payments out. He's not dangerous at all. He works with disabled kids and really does have a sweet heart inside. But I am realizing that for some reason he takes out all his bad stuff on me. he would never ever hit me. And when I say that I am worried he wouldn't let me leave, it just menas that he's cry and make me feel so bad for hurting him that I wouldn't be able to go. I'm actually getting tired of talking about all this! Maybe I should never have posted it. I know you know because you've been through it but some people just tell me to leave and don't realize that I've put 10 years into this relationship. Anyhow, thanks Casey! Thanks for the email offer too. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORTIVE RESPONSES GUYS!       #125973 - 11/29/04 04:08 AM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 But I think I need to get my head away from this for a while as it's obvioulsy super stessful for me to handle. I need a breather so I think I'll be off the board for a couple of days. I don't want you guys to worry when I don't answer posts for a little while. I'll be back, I'm just overwhelmed... Thanks for all your support guys, I appreciate it more than you know. You all are as sweet as can be! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Haha....       #125986 - 11/29/04 05:31 AM Edit Reply Quote atomic rose Reged: 06/01/04 Posts: 7013 Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!) Yeah, I know how that goes. It's easy enough to say "leave", but it's hard when you've put so much time and energy into the relationship. From our point of view... well, we don't know him, we only know you, and we all want to protect you! Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you, in the WAY that's right for you, and everyone else will understand. (Or they won't, and they'll just have to deal - haha.) Anyway, I won't make you talk about it any more. Everything will work out how it should - it always does. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Advice needed - long post       #126102 - 11/29/04 10:54 AM Edit Reply Quote daliatree Reged: 07/10/04 Posts: 1176 Loc: Manhattan, New York Sara...this has to be short as I am running out on errands but I HAD to reply. I am so so so sorry that you are going through all of this right now, BUT, leave him now. Leave him. You deserve SO much better then that. So much better. there are many many lovely men out there that know how to love and appreciate their women..I promise. Life is TOO short...you need to find your true soulmate as soon as possible and unfortunately that means leaving others behind that didn't turn out to be. Please always give yourself the best...you deserve it. I am appalled at his little house rules..you should not have to live that way . Liberate yourself. I have never left a shared house so can't offer you advice there, but always remember (women feel too bad too often - we are naturally full of putting others before ourselves) - take are of number one! lots of love.... -------------------- Feel the fear and do it anyway! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Haha....       #126385 - 11/30/04 12:49 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 I'm back. Can't stay away from you guys! I will have to decide and I know you all want me safe and sound. It's hard because we've been getting along very well these past days. But as soon as things get poopy again (be it next week or next month) I will start to talk to him seriously about some MAJOR changes and warn him that if they don't change, my address will. HA! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Dalia       #126389 - 11/30/04 12:55 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Thanks Dalia. I know I would give the exact same advice to all of you on this board. I know that all his rules are ridiculous and that he should never talk down to me. But after 10 years of being with him, it's like leaving a marriage. We are common-law afterall. I was just writing to Casey that I am waiting for the next bad time (as we're in a very good spot these days) to fully decide on things. I went and looked at a bachelor apt. last Sunday. I didn't go in because the neighbourhood was a bit scary and the house itself was yucky. It just made me think "What am I getting myself into"? I will keep on the lookout for a snazzy place though and that could very well be the kick in my pants to show me that it won't be so bad. Plus, a friend from work offered to let me move in with her if need be. I've never seen her place but know it's in a trendy part of town and that says it all! Take care too! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Sara       #126436 - 11/30/04 04:03 PM Edit Reply Quote daliatree Reged: 07/10/04 Posts: 1176 Loc: Manhattan, New York Its my pleasure...I totally understand how it is like getting the divorce and understand how daunting it is BUT I really do not like what I hear about the way he treats you...and I do not think leapords change their spots....has he always been like that (anal, ridiculous rules, being really insensitive etc)? Or is it recent? -------------------- Feel the fear and do it anyway! Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Re: Sara       #126437 - 11/30/04 04:08 PM Edit Reply Quote Sara-Sage Reged: 02/04/04 Posts: 5508 Hi there. Yes, he has always been like this. But what is encouraging is he has recently given up alcohol and coffee. he is exercising again and seems to be genuinely trying to become a better person. The alcohol and coffee made him even more uptight and anal. he tells me that he thinks he had a small alcohol problem and that it's so nice to wake up on weekends without an hangover. I don't drink AT ALL anymore so maybe I'm rubbing off on him? He is trying to become more laid back. As of late, he is encouraging me with my veganism and has even cooked some of the meals for me (and to my strict IBS standards). I agree though that IF he's a loser, I should leave him. I am still jusding that. I do appreciate your concern. Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator     Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | (show all)

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