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I know you've gotten TONS of excellent advice already - I just wanted to say I double all of that. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. It won't be easy, but it is possible to get out. You have to do what's right for you.
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Re: Oh boy!!!
#125813 - 11/28/04 11:50 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Man, we need to live THERE.  You can come stay with me if you don't mind a husky licking your face at odd hours of the night.
~nelly~
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I know! If only it wasn't a tiny icky town and I'd live there too!
Ha ha. Your dog's adorable.
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Hey Tina!
Actually, for some weird reason, it doesn't bother me at all to talk about it. I guess that's the difference between consciously deciding to remember it and having no choice when I'm having flashbacks. 
Anyway, yeah, I went through the same thing - he was actually really nice to me most of the time. When he got drunk, or he was in one of his "moods", well, different story. The niceness is what made me stick around for a year and a half. I don't even remember what happened that made me decide to leave, I just know that one day I realized I deserved better - and I DIDN'T deserve the abuse, even "only now and then".
I'm glad I did it the way I did, by the way. When I left, he went completely ballistic. Calling me at work, calling me at home, following me, assault... ugh. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I'd told him I was leaving and then STAYED there for any amount of time. He'd probably have killed me, quite honestly.
ANYWAY - I'm SO glad you have an option there with your friend at work. That sounds just about ideal.  Good luck!
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Re: Oh boy!!!
#125831 - 11/28/04 12:57 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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He's watching me post this with his head on my shoulder.
I keep trying to point out his picture to him, but it's a hard concept for him. I get a kick out of looking at him, looking at his avatar, and looking at him again. I'm easy to amuse, tho.
~nelly~
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Hey there!
I think that's what makes it so hard. If he was always a jerk it would be much easier. But you are right that "now and then" is still too much. It should be never!
I do think that possibly moving in with my co-worker might be ideal. She's a great gal. She's in a long distance relationship now and wants someone there since she's away so much. She might move to his city eventually if it gets more serious so it might not be a long term living situation for me. But it might make a good transition.
A worry of mine is what he'll do when I leave. Will he call me at work non-stop or send me a million emails? And worst yet, what if I never hear from him again? I think it would be so hard not having him in my life. I have lots of friends but not too many that I can call out of the blue to come over. I know when I'm single, I'll have to make an effort to make plans with people or I'll get so bored and lonely.
How did you meet Adam? Or how long were you single until you dated again? I think I'm one of those women who is afraid of being alone.
But honestly, the thought of dating again is kinda exciting. There's a cute tattooed guy in my yoga class.
Thanks so much Casey, it means the world to be able to talk about this, especially since you've been through it.
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What's his name? What a sweetie. I love dogs so much. I'd love to get one but need to wait until I have a stable home, preferably a house with a big yard.
Tell him I say hi. he he
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Re: Oh boy!!!
#125859 - 11/28/04 02:37 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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His name is Kodiak! He came with a name tho, I didn't pick it. I'm going to get him a harness and sled so he can pull me to the grocery store when the car's snowed in. No snow yet, tho!!
~nelly~
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Yeah, if it is what you want you should DEFINATELY get outta there Tina! And that thing about staying in bed til 11:00, that is so f---ing weird! (excuse my languauge!)
I never knew things were like this for you! From someone that has been in a controlling, but not very physically violent abusive relationship, I really feel for you. It is really cut and dry, it seems, to know that your BF is abusive and to leave when he is hitting you, but if he is controlling your life in a non-phyiscal way it is hard to see.
HE is definately not right for you.
How much notice should you give him? When you are walking out the door with your boxes. Or after you have moved everything into your apt while he is at work. Leave himn a note. You can be humane about it, but if you give him notice he will make living with him H**l, and may try to talk you into staying, but you have your mind made up.
Don't feel bad for him. If he cannot afford to live without you, then it sounds like he is sponging off of you. He is horrible with money, so you have to be smart with your so he has somewhere to live?! That is Bulls**t.
This is curious, too, he has all the control, but he is more dependent on your for the money to live in the apartment? Sounds like you should have the upper hand and give him weird rules if you want. Just sounds weird to me.
Don't feel bad, people always land on their feet. HE will find somewhere to live if he can no longer afford the apartment you share. Or he will get a roommate. It sounds like yous have a lot of friends, someone will help if he needs it, but NOT you.
just one thing to beware of, he WILL make you the bad guy, and it may ruin alot, if not all, of your friendships in that inner circle you mentioned. So you have to be ready to deal with that if it happens.
Good luck to you, and be careful.
(one last thing- guys that are controlling, but not violent CAN turn violent, I have seen it happen, so again, be careful)
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-Sheri
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My BF likes it when I stay in bed on Sunday mornings, he likes to get to grips with the Sunday papers before I get up. However, the staying in bed bit is certainly not imposed on me, its my choice absolutely.
I LOVE BED, so it works out well for both of us! He goes out and buys me a fresh bread treat (its used to be a croissant  ) The odd time when I get up early he is genuinely amazed to see me but realises that I am more fun to spend time with than the papers. It would be so odd if he MADE me stay in bed.
Good luck Tina! (sheri has said some strong words and I agree with her-we all know its a lot easier for us to say it than for you to do it but we are ALL with you on this)
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S.
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