SO angry at b/f's parents! Long post
#112171 - 10/11/04 06:42 PM
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SLiCKsGiRL
Reged: 06/20/04
Posts: 428
Loc: Western Washington
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Still growling, and this happened last night ...
Okay, my b/f got into a huge screaming match with his mom last night (all about him going into his brother's room to borrow a camera without permission). They were yelling all through the house, and she was saying how she wasn't going to pay for his loans or school or anything anymore, and bla bla bla ...
I was trying to stay out of the way and everything, but we were trying to make dinner for ourselves and they were screaming at the top of their lungs anyway, so I couldn't help hearing everything. So what does she do when she feels like she isn't getting through to him? She says:
"Do you think I LIKE having boarders (meaning me, since as far as I know, I'm the only one) living here?!"
Excuse me?? You're going to bring me into this just because YOU can't control your son?? I was SO hurt last night because she has told me in the past that I'm her adopted daughter, so all I could do was cry on b/f's shoulder.
B/f doesn't think that she meant it, and maybe she didn't, but I can't forgive that. It's so immature to bring someone else into things just to be hurtful. Esp. when you're being loud enough for that someone to hear. My family would NEVER do that, but these people are so self-centered.
Why-oh-why must we inherit whole families when we find someone we want to marry??
I don't know what to do though. My daddy likes having me around, and says I can come home at any time. But I don't want to leave b/f 'cause 1) he's SO stressed out right now, and what kind of g/f would I be if I left him? and 2) I'd just be here all the time anyway, so nothing would really change (that's why I live here, 'cause I was here all the time).
I don't have a job and don't know how I'm going to be able to get one that can pay for an apt. since b/f can't help with bills til he's out of school ...
Sorry that this is so incredibly long, but I'm just so angry and frustrated ... I think I'm gonna' go make some rice and try to find a job in the classifieds 
Thanks for listening everyone.
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~*Amber*~
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Poor sweetie. Relationships are hard enough without having to deal with your sig oth's relatives too. Her comment in the heat of the moment was very rude. If that's the way she feels, she can express it better.
Don't worry about being in the middle, though. The fact that she gets along well with you (in good times!) and she's called you her adopted dd, well, she really doesn't have a problem with YOU. But it's hard on her because your presence means to her that her son is drifting away from her. Moms are weird that way.
But it's not forever. I'm sending you good mental thoughts, and hoping you get that great job soon!!!
~nelly~
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Oh honey!! Like your ealy needed that right now!!! <<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>>> Living with in-laws Or in your case futer in laws just plain SUCKS!!!!! I had to live with mine for 9 months when hubby got out of the service. I never thought I would ever be able to have any kind of relationship with my in laws or sister in laws. You know what we a have a pretty good relationship now. How you ask. Because I decided a long time ago they weren't worth the stress and worry. I let it all go!!! Are we best friends NO but we get along and we can have a good time together!!! It will get better honey I promise. Sometimes we say the stupidest things when we are mad!!! I know I do, and I always regret them!! I am sure she does to!!
Just don't let her come between you and BF. If anything take this time to get stronger as a couple!! I realy belive that when are faced with things like this it is to make us stronger!! It may take me a few days to calm down and remmber that  but I realy do belive it!!!
Good Luck
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Heather7476
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Amber...
#112192 - 10/11/04 08:13 PM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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That is so horrible bf's mom acted like that!
Before you consider moving out, maybe you should evaluate how his mother is other times. But just the fact that she said that, even if she didn't mean it, should raise red flags. If she is normally not like that and really does love you to pieces, maybe you can get past it. But if she is a shady character, maybe you should try to stay away the best that you can. has your bf talked to her about it? Without fighting? He really should.
I don't know how old you are, but I am assuming early twenties/late teens? About my age maybe(I am 21 in a couple weeks)?
I have been through this one before (kinda). My ex bf lived with me and my family, and we all treated him as if he was family, if not better. Even though he was a horrible liar and abusive jerk. I would sometimes stay with him at his house for periods of time (sometimes even months), and his mom would gush over me about how I was the daughter she never had blah blah blah. I come to find out later it was only a show. A friend of mine told me that she would alwys say that my bf (we were engaged) was meant to be with his EX gf (which he is now) and that they would get married one day and she loved her like a daughter blah blah blah.
All behind my back! The b***h also had the nerve to beg me to borrow eight hundred dollars and never has paid it back.
She saw me as a big dollar sign.
*sigh* You live and learn, I was 17/18 years old when all of that happened.
Some times living together young can be complicated, my current bf I have been with almost two years, and although I moved out of my parents house at 19, I moved out ALONE, cause I didn't want to go through a painful living together suffocated feeling again. He stays over on the weekends, and even though I get lonely during the week, it is still a positive experience.
i am not trying to say that is your case, but maybe you should think of moving in with dad? You shouldn't feel like you have to tiptoe around at home.
And remember that it is not your problem, it is hers. Moms get kinda funny when it comes to the girl that is taking thier boy away.
I hope that I have helped at least alittle.
My main thing I want to say is that you know your situation the best, so try to do what is good for you, and not what is the best for everyone else (like bf). I know this is hard cause you love him so much. Remember, it is especially important for us IBSers to take care of ourselves emotionally, the stress can be so horrible on the bowels.
Take care sister, and if you wanna chat some more just let me know.
Good luck on whatever you do
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-Sheri
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Other side
#112282 - 10/12/04 08:14 AM
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renaanne
Reged: 09/19/04
Posts: 86
Loc: Marietta, GA
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She wasn't being nice and should not have said that in anger, but I'm going to be the devil's advocate here and look at the other side... have you ever had someone (not family) living in your house? It gets old fast and you don't feel like you can relax in your own home. Why don't you live with your family, let him live with his family and save the living together until you can afford your own place and not invade anyone's space? Are you paying rent to live at his house? I remember in college, my roommates b/f's practically lived with us and they ate our food and used the water and electric. They used our phone (which made 7 people using ONE phone). They never chipped in and I was a VERY poor college kid. A few bucks was a big deal to me as I only made $80/week and that had to pay for phone, food, electric, and books! And wouldn't you know it, NONE of them married any of these guys! If you've never owned your own place, you have NO IDEA what it costs to maintain a house. One extra person does impact finances even though you may not think so. It could be that his mom is tired of having her personal space invaded and took it out on him, screaming LOUD enough that you would hear and maybe get the message that she doesn't want you living with her, even though she adores you and wants you 2 together, she just doesn't want you 2 together in her space! If you ask me, living together gets rid of ALL the romance of dating. Men get lazy and forget they haven't gotten us yet. If you're always there, does he have a chance to miss you? I told my husband that I WOULD NOT live with him before we were married. And if we weren't married, I would move back to MD (he was in TN). That would have made for LONG drives on the weekends if he wanted to see me! We got married 2 weeks after I graduated college and we've been married 9 years. I'm only 31 so I'm not just old-fashioned. Just look at things from his mom's point of view....
Rena
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haha reanne.. I know what you mean about people using each other stuff. I lived with four girls and their boyfriends would come over and shower, eat our food, and just get in the way. it ended up costing us all so much more money, and made us uncomfortable in our own apartment. Sometimes we couldn't even sit in our own living room and watch tv cause the boyfriends would take up the extra seating. I too had a boyfriend.. but if he ate over we'd go out and buy special food, and I never let him do laundry etc at our house.
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Thank you all for your posts ... This is really stressing me out, but I'm trying not to do anything rash. I've done that before - it's why I wound up in Cali in the middle of my senior year in h.s. I applied for a job yesterday, and I'm talking to a couple of my dad's friends about cleaning their houses once a week to get some cash for food.
Moving out of here would make things easier on everybody, and harder at the same time. I haven't had anyone else living with me, and I don't pay rent here. That is why I've been letting them treat me like a slave for the past 10mos. I'm better to them than any of their kids are, I don't eat their food or use any part of the house other than the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. I take care of b/f, their rabbit, clean up after the twin slobs and scrub the house from top to bottom when they go on vacation. So if she has a problem with me here, I can and I can't see why. But all she has to do is SAY so to me, and I'll get the hell out of here.
She apologized to him yesterday, but apparently *forgot* that she ever said anything like that about me. I'm going to figure out what to do this week. I'll probably go home; my dad can be a hypocrite too, but at least he's honest about it
Thanks again everybody, for your different points of view. I needed those extra perspectives 
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~*Amber*~
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in-laws or "sorta inlaws" as Unhappy Tummy Steph calls them can really cause stress. I had awful strife with my sorta MIL during the summer when BF was in hospital and I was doing the caring (she was doing the irritating!) we are friends again. I just think of my Mom and the things she would probably say to my brothers' gfs (they are all single right now) and she wouldn't really mean it.
That said when sorta MIL does ANYTHING to me I rant about it!
You are sick and if living there is causing you extra stress then you should get out of there. You need to look after No1 to make sure that you are well.
BF will understand, they are pretty good at that. Just take my advice and don't criticise his Mom too much to him, its not fair to ask him to take sides as he is duty bound to defend her in some way and men think that when we tell them things that they must come up with solutions as opposed to just listen to us vent! (Guess who read "Men are from Mars"...!)
Hope it work out for you Amber,
Take care
Sinead
PS What are you aspiring to write?
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S.
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Sinead
#112463 - 10/12/04 04:05 PM
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SLiCKsGiRL
Reged: 06/20/04
Posts: 428
Loc: Western Washington
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Yes, venting sometimes must be done often just to keep from strangling certain parties ... 
I know all about talking to b/f about his parents. I haven't really discussed this with him yet 'cause I don't want to say something mean. I have to try and be rational, because in addition to defending his mom, he just likes to be contrary.  Drives me bonkers sometimes! And you're right, he doesn't know when I just want to vent to him and when I want him to do something about it - we just talked about that last week! Maybe I need to read that book too!
I will definately have a plan worked out by the end of the week. I'm going to talk to my dad tomorrow when I stop by home.
Thanks for the advice.
At this point, I'm just aspiring to write something, heh. Actually, I have 100 pages of a book written, and a few short stories that I want to turn into novels. I'd like to write fiction for a living. I need to actually write every day though
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~*Amber*~
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Re: Amber
#112467 - 10/12/04 04:11 PM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Good luck with the writing Amber
My Dad published his first book this year, its a novel and it was a hard slog to get it published and has not made him a penny yet but he is just delighted to have been published.
My brother is doing a journalism course at the moment and my best friend has been working as a journalist for the last 4 years, so I often consider turning to writing too. Don't think I am good enough thought but then sometimes you read such trash and think "I could do better than that!" and get all motivated again.
You are right, you need to write everyday. I have written the first chapter of 3 novels but never got any further, its hard to commit the time.
Good luck with sorting out the sorta in law/living arrangement issue. I am sure MIL will be sad if you leave though!
Like I said, do what is best for you.
Sinead
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S.
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