Feeling blue
#100496 - 08/23/04 08:08 AM
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bz
Reged: 06/18/03
Posts: 105
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
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Hey everyone,
I just need to talk about this to someone.
I'm married 3 years (we've been together 11). I just lost it last night. These feelings have been building up lately and finally exploded.
I work days and my husband works nights. I've gotten used to spending my nights by myself. The problem comes on the weekends. He sleeps until about maybe 2pm (I'm awake since 6am). He gets up, has tea, goes in the 2nd bedroom to watch the Yankee game (if not that then any other sport), then asks when is dinner, comes out for dinner, goes back in the other room. He is so preoccupied with TV and any sport it is unbelievable. He doesn't like to go to the movies, doesn't like to shop or walk around stores, sometimes we take a walk on the boardwalk.
I have brought this topic up before with him with no positive results. This time I have told him that I just cannot go on spending all of my time by myself. Did I mention that I take care of everything (cooking, cleaning, shopping, drycleaning, ironing, washing, on and on and on).
I don't mind doing these things but feel like I am the ultimate doormat and being taken for granted. I told him last night that he just assumes that I will always be here because I always am, but if he is not willing to pay some attention to me I just can't live like this.
This is my second marriage. My first one was mentally and verbally abusive, so I was pretty much beaten down for a long time. But now I feel that if I spend most of my time by myself anyway what's the point in taking care of someone and what feels to me like begging for some attention.
I told him that this was the last time that I would bring this subject up, that I was tired of asking. I'm sorry I'm rambling on and on, but I'm really sad and depressed and don't have anyone to talk to about this.
Thanks.
Barbara
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Oh honey!!! I've been there, done that!!! Fortunately I have a hubby that's understanding and he tries really really hard. It's very important that you tell him how you're feeling, if not to improve the situation, than at least to get it off your chest and make him aware of your feelings! I do honestly believe that guys were born with inability to pull themselves away from tv's. If it were up to me, we wouldn't even have one in our house. Can you try to watch some tv with him??? I know it sounds lame, but at least you'd be spending time together. That's what I do anyway. If I make the effort to sit and cuddle in front of the tv, then he's more willing to make an effort to do some of the things that I enjoy. Just an idea.
Don't worry about "rambling on", you need to be able to talk about it. And that's what we're here for. So ramble on all you want!!!
Here's a big {{{{HUG}}}}!!! I hope things work out for you!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Men and their tv. I do belive there is a genetic link. 
I know what you mean about never seeing each other. My hubby leaves at 6:00am and gets home at 7:30pm. Eats, takes a shower, Wathes tv then in bed by ten. What I do when he is watching his shows that I can't stand is I read a book and sit with him.
You should always keep the line communcation open though.
Talking it out is the only way to make it work. Or you can always hide the clicker. 
Good Luck and I hope things get better for you.
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Heather7476
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*HUG* ramble as needed.. I would a) try to spend some time with him, even if it is in front of the TV when something you are both interested in is on, but if he doesn't spend any time with you still and isnt' interested in talking, it sounds like either he's severely depressed (DH has depression issues at times) or he doesn't want to be in a relationship.. in which case- getting out may be the best thing.
b) try to talk to him... and explain what your concerns are.. we have worked opposite shifts and had a whopping 2 mornigns nad 2 evenings a week together... right now we work the same shift but different days so at least one of us is at work every day, and tired in the evening, though he seems to never get anything done even when I do some nights and his days off he goofs off each week and we don't have a housekeeper so mine are always spent doing housework. but we've talked about that and he is supposed to be doing more... we'll see what happens- if it doesn't improve and he doesn't seem to care, is he depressed? does he need medical attention? I was about to leave Bill for behaviour like t his when he was diagnosed as depressed and once he was medicated he was a different person.. the problem is he goes off his meds every so often...
If its not something like that- get out while you can, you have enough issues and don't need to be dealing with his on top of it.. he's an adult.
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Oh, Barbara
#100541 - 08/23/04 11:22 AM
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barbie
Reged: 04/22/04
Posts: 2435
Loc: Texas
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Hi,
I am so sorry you are going through a hard time in your marriage. You can ramble on any time you want and we will listen. If anything, I think it helps to get it all out.
I'm sure those crazy shifts at work can be horrible for a relationship.
There was a girl in my office that was having trouble with her husband and she decided to write him a letter expressing her feelings (it was a long letter). She left it for him and after he read it things did begin to change. I guess he just didn't realize how important these things were to her until she put it in writing. You know, men have hard heads and sometimes you have to have to go around the bush to get them to listen and understand. UGH!!
What about this? If there is a very special dinner he likes you can say I will cook your "favorite" if you will go for a walk with me afterwards, take me to a movie, etc. Or what about leaving him a little love note taped to the TV... or taped to his mirror....If that doesn't get his attention..... Oh Gee, I don't know...I am just rambling.
Hope things get better for you.
Barbie
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Hey, Brooklyn Barbie!! It's your neighbor in Manhattan!!
I was going to say exactly the same thing as Amie, it sounds like he might be suffering from clinical depression. That's often the way that men show it. Unfortunately if he's not receptive to the suggestion, there's not a lot you can do about it.
I hear ya about the previous abusive marriage. What's weird is that I also used to be in an abusive marriage -- to the same guy I'm still married to!! Andy used to be very critical and controlling and angry. The good news is that as I changed in terms of my reactions to him, he changed too. As far as the housework, divide up the chores and then just DONT EVER DO HIS!!! If you give in even once and do something because you just can't stand it anymore, he'll win.
Good luck, sweetie, and come ramble any old time. Better sharing it here than losing it with him. That just makes him feel more guilty and depressed. I feel for you both, but relationships are worth working on. Andy and I are soulmates, best friends, companions, and primary emotional support for each other. I don't know how I could live without him. Thank God I never left him. Give it another try, sweetie. And don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle, like I almost did!
{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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