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Gigi, boy and I thought my week of terrible teenager drama was hard. Hang in there...Thought you would like to know your not alone n this issue. Many persons of this age and older feel this way especially when a lifetime partner gets ill and is away from home..The thought of losing them or just being alone sets off bells, that relate to desperate feelings, feelings of needing to know she's still in control of her life. It's like when we have a full blown attack that takes weeks or months to get under control. We feel out of control. She definetly should see the Doc for a routine check up and the Doc should know of any changes in her daily routines. Like not wanting to bath or eat, or just feeling frazzled. My Grandmother has Alzheimers and started showing signs around 78 years of age shortly after my grandfather past on. Maybe she may not have this but there are other mental things that could be happening.
Best of luck to your father n law and to you and your family. Our prayers are with you...
Sherri
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Gigi, I understand about in-laws. Mine are dead now, and have been for a very long time, and I miss them, despite the fact that my father-in-law resented me, having taken away his only son. It's a difficult situation for everyone. But it's really tough when they leave us forever.
I had a horrible mother. I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say I was determined my husband would never be subjected to her -- and I kept that promise. My mother and I have been estranged for over 40 years now (I don't even know if she's still alive).
I have a wonderful marriage, a very dear husband who is my best friend. He sounds a lot like yours. Let your husband take over the care of his mother from now on. You need to take care of YOU. Having IBS is bad enough, you certainly don't need any other stress in your life, and you're not going to change the MIL, so that situation will always remain status quo.
You'll be amazed at how your letting go of the situation with her will lighten up your load, both mentally AND physically. It will also help you to listen to your hubby when he comes to you with his stressful stories about his own mother, and allow you to look at it objectively and offer him some positive suggestions (while staying out of it entirely).
Good luck,
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Dear Gigi,
I'm soo very sorry for you. You will feel better. You are strong and intelligent and sensitive and caring. Your mil sounds like a ghastly tyrant, but also like she is not fully mentally competent. However, it is no longer your problem. You are the daughter-in-law and must remember this for your own self-preservation. It sounds harsh, but it is not your problem, but your husbands and his siblings.
My mil has been an absolute ***** since I first met her. Luckily for me she lives 1000 miles away in Perth. However, she has managed to wreck so many Christmases and holidays for me until the last one when we paid for her to come over to Brisbane for a week.
I simply removed myself mentally from her and successfully ignored the jibes and actually started finding her efforts to either make me look bad or stupid etc., funny. Without me to use as her whipping boy, she turned on my daugher and husband who just started to absent themselves physically, so in the end she missed out altogether.
I know, how I know, how difficult it is to put up with an insensitive termagant who is ruthless in her methods, but it really does work if you can just put that mental distance between you. (In your case, keep away.) My psychologist tells me that I should give myself permission not to see those people who are harmful to me.) Make sure you give yourself that permission and don't feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
You are loved by your family, so you must be lovable. You are caring and worthwhile. Your health is paramount.
I hope you feel better and better.
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Gigi, I am so sad for you for so many of lines of your story touch home. My husband hasn't talked to his father or sister for over 5 years. He rarely speaks to his motherz(I have shorten the family saga). They are mean and evil and destroy everything in the path. He came to the decision after much conseling and soul searching. It is okay not to have a relationship with your mother-in-law for your health and well being. My husband does not regret the having a relationship with his father and sister he only regrets all the energy and time he wasted on trying to please them. On another note you said your mil's mind is clear as a bell and she knows what she is saying. I am not in the medical profession but it sounds to me(even if she has been a nasty person all her life)that she is in the early stages of dementia/alzhiemers or some other mental disorder. I've read/heard a few stories that sound like hers. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is the filth and dirt she lives with not only in her house but with her own person. What matters most is YOU and YOUR HEALTH so you can take care of you and your own family.
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IBS-D
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Re:Thank You
#71780 - 05/19/04 07:51 PM
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gigi
Reged: 03/21/04
Posts: 1442
Loc: South Texas
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Thank you so much for the kind thoughts Sherri. It means so much to me that you would take the time to write to me.
I am better this evening, though I am experiencing a full blown ibs attack. But I will SURVIVE! My h finally made it home from the city and after he finishes with his horses, we are going to cuddle and talk. God Bless You
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I so appreciate you telling your story. You are a very strong woman and have accomplished so much in your life, I am in such awe of you.
Thanks for the advice, I have backed off, I am havng a full blown attack. I feel very tired and worn, I am going to bed soon. I'm glad you have a great guy like mine! Arent we so blessed! God Bless You!
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I'm so glad, Gigi, that you made it thru this trying day and that you have your hubby home to hold you and comfort you. Take care of yourself, try to relax and let all the anger and frustration just melt away and blow away in the breeze. ((HUGS)) to ya honey,
Shari
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Thanks Daisy, he is coming home from the hospital tomorrow, I know he is so glad to get away from there. I worry for his health once he comes home. I am going to do all I can to make him comfy and cook his fav things that he loves. As for his wife, I will not let her get under my skin again. I will turn and walk off. My h just stepped into the shower and we are going to talk and visit before bed, I have missed him being at the hospital all week. God Bless You
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Hi Gigi,
Thanks for the kind words about me being upset over my grandson leaving. You mentioned having a problem when you wrote to me. I did answer you yesterday when you posted about your MIL. I'm the one that thought she should be checked to see if it was anything psycological. Since you say it isn't and that it's just her personality I think you have gotten the best advise already. You need to take care of YOU so you don't suffer any longer with the way she acts. I know it will be hard since your father-in-law is sick at the moment. Your husband will need to help his father out and the best thing you can do for your husband is to be there when he needs to talk about what he's going through. The best thing is just what you said JUST TURN AND WALK AWAY! People like that need an audience. You don't have to be a part of it. You're doing the right thing by staying away. Sometimes in life we need to do this in order to keep our own sanity.
I wish you and your husband the best. You have each other and that's the most important thing!!
Hang in there!!!
Pat
Edited by patricia181 (05/20/04 03:44 AM)
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