IBS has changed my attitude on things (a thoughtful and long post about my life)
#341252 - 01/26/09 03:59 PM
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sorry if this post doesn't belong in this board
but I figure I normally post in this board
Anyway, since I've gotten IBS I've really had less tolerance for, to put it simply, the stuff that I hate. It seems like in a few ways I'm just a different person.
So here's a [long] background story to the decision I'm making now
I've been playing the trumpet since 5th grade, and since I started, I was really good at it. 6th grade on, I did my county's 'all county band,' where basically you tryout, get rated, and if you're in [for trumpets] the top 20 of your age group, you get in.
So I didn't really mind it up until 9th grade or so. In 10th grade, I moved up to a higher level band, and the rehearsals went from 3 hours to 5 hours. Thats really the point when I was doing it for a college resume, because 5 hour rehearsals on an endurance instrument (i.e. trumpet) completely sucks
So in the last tryout for this band, I got a perfect score on the hardest level solo. Since I got a perfect score, I was accepted into both the county band and the state band.
The county band happened a while ago. Like in November. Whenever it was, it was when my medical problems were surfacing. It was a shame too, I was first seat and had a solo.
In addition to getting IBS, I developed TMJ from grinding my teeth, which causes headaches, especially after a lot of trumpet playing.
Well, in december, my IBS got worse, I had lost 6 pounds and that is when my attitude started to change. I stopped caring about school to an extent. I took off a lot of days, and continue to take days off (usually when we're not doing anything important in class). I start realizing how much I hate getting up at 6:50, how much I hate getting in a cold car in the morning, little things like that. And to go through that when most of my teachers are incompetent and unproductive?
My school is a hyper-competitive school. Everyone is in honor societies, everyone doing [censored] for their college resumes. I've come to dislike a few people in my own competitive spirit. For example, one of my friends is a blatant cheater. He admits to it, everybody knows it, he cheats on every single thing he can. What torments me is that he does better than me, but I'm smarter. Even though I'm taking very hard classes, my new attitude has made me work less and less. And, by the way, I found out from my guidance counselor that I'm ranked #6 in my class. It really disappointed me, because I was shooting for top 3. I've come to resent people who work hard, because I just can't handle the stress of that, and I know if I could, I would be at the top.
So that's my background. I guess it will make things real when you read my problem. Now, in March, I'm signed up to be in the state band. This would be the peak of any student's music career. It is a great honor, and I even have my picture on the band room bulletin board. There is only one problem; I am going to hate doing it. It is taking a 4 hour train ride, playing the trumpet for 3 days nonstop, and going home, being greeted by a Monday morning. On top of the fact that I hate travel and playing the trumpet for more than an hour a day, I have IBS and TMJ. That means I could get a terrible headache, or diarrhea from crappy hotel food, or who knows.
My IBS, by the way, is getting better, for those of you who have followed my post. Its either a week of hypnosis or two weeks of no fructose, but I feel great. The thing is, even if my IBS and everything cleared up, I still wouldn't want to participate in this band that I wanted to get in to at the beginning of the year. Keep in mind, I still would not like doing it, but I would to it mainly for my college resume.
As I'm typing this, if I could press a button to erase all history of me applying to the state band, I'd do it in a heartbeat. The only thing that's stopping me from un-signing up is my band teacher.
I already un-signed up for the county band earlier this year, and declined going on a trip to Virginia beach with my school band because of my IBS. Well, as I mention, I hate that stuff anyway.
I guess what is story shows is how my IBS has pushed me over the edge. I have crossed the boundary from disliking certain activities to refusing to partake in them. Maybe this will make me a happier person, in the long run, or maybe it will just give me less tolerance for unhappiness.
Thanks for reading
Edited by mcem222 (01/26/09 04:00 PM)
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Your post might receive more attention on The Living Room Board, but that's ok.
It sounds to me like you over-extended yourself with band activities when school started. Your IBS also worsened or appeared then, too. Now, you've re-evaluated your choices and their consequences and dropped the county band. You've also made good choices and changes to your diet - this is how you control your life. Your IBS is better now which makes sense since you've made reduced your stress level and made dietary changes! Your IBS is not controlling you anymore  Yay, mcem222!
About the band trip in March, now is the time to start planning how to make it do-able. Hopefully, you can find out what hotel you'll be staying at and get a menu to see what you can eat there. If the band goes out to a pizza place or fast-food restaurant, maybe your band instructor or chaperones will allow you to go elsewhere - especially if you have a menu, maybe another person with you and some sort of written explanation from your GI doctor. All that requires pre-planning, which is more work but should yield positive results. Start thinking positive about this trip - there is light at the end of the tunnel - and things you can do to make it a good experience! (You'll want to take your own snacks, of course, that's a given.) Maybe you can look into taking the following Monday off from school?
I think you're doing great! Keep up the good work!
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Nancy
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Good advice, Meower. Even with planning, there are other factors that are out of my control
As of today, my march trip is off. Even without my IBS, I had some other issues with that trip. I won't get into it now, but I'm relieved I won't be going on it.
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I think IBS changes most of us and the way we look at life. I know that I hate traveling and the thought of a trip or even driving out of our town to eat out causes me to feel panic. There are many people on the boards who dislike traveling. Sometimes the worry over the trip before hand is worse than the actual trip for me.
Are you a senior this year? That could be part of the problem regarding your lack of interest or change in attitude.
Right now you are taking positive steps to get control of your IBS and your weight loss. If the extra stress is making you feel worse then it isn't worth it to go on the trip. Sometimes you have to listen to your inner voice and do what is right for you. You are the only one that knows what is right.
Being 6th in your class is a wonderful achievment and you should be very proud of yourself. Try not to focus on how things would be different if you didn't have IBS. That falls into the same catagory as spending all your time focusing on the foods you can't eat. It doesn't serve any purpose except to make you feel negative and resentful and causes more stress for you.
It is frustrating to be around someone who cheats which makes that person appear to be doing well. Try to let it go and concentrate of your goals and what you want. Those goals may have changed now that you have IBS but that is ok. You sounds like a very talented and intelligent person. The people that cheat will eventually get their own.
High school is such a difficult time and it is so hard to be different. IBS is a health problem that most people are not willing to talk to others about. The funny part about high school though is that it is not the way life really is. Once you are out life is so different you never really look back.
I am very happy that you are feeling better physically. As far as your Mom and her worries, would it be possible for you to sit down and talk with her about how her being stressed makes you feel stressed which can make your IBS worse? I know she is just worried for you. A mother never wants to see her child in pain. Maybe if the two of you research IBS and work together as far as your diet, etc. she will feel more positive and supportive.
I wish you luck with everything. You have been through a lot this year so don't be so hard on yourself as far as the band and traveling.
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Janey
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Thanks for the advice. Btw, I'm a junior in school right now. My family tells me exactly what you are saying- things are different and better in college/life. Despite that, I'm setting my goals high- by this summer, I want IBS to have a minimal impact on my life.
"I am very happy that you are feeling better physically. As far as your Mom and her worries, would it be possible for you to sit down and talk with her about how her being stressed makes you feel stressed which can make your IBS worse? I know she is just worried for you. A mother never wants to see her child in pain. Maybe if the two of you research IBS and work together as far as your diet, etc. she will feel more positive and supportive."
I already sat her down and had a talk, several times. Today, a few days ago, a few days before that. She has a lot of anxiety problems after having been diagnosed with cancer (and cured) two years ago, so I guess I'll have to accept that.
Today, she told me we are wired the same way. Its true, and thats probably why I have medical problems. Like her, I can't handle stress.
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Re: Janey
#341461 - 01/31/09 02:51 PM
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Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
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I thought maybe you were suffering from senioritis which might contribute to your attitude change.
There are people who worry about things and there are people who don't. Your Mom sounds like she falls into the worry category. Just remember the only person you can control is you. If you take on your Mom's worries it will cause you more stress.
Good for you for setting a goal about your IBS and getting control of things. It sounds like you have a good attitude and a good plan. For me having a plan makes dealing with my IBS easier.
When I travel if I plan out the route and where the bathrooms are it helps me feel more in control. I also like to know exactly how long it is going to take to get to the destination. This also helps me feel in control. Figure out what works for you to make you feel more in control of your situations, school, traveling, etc. Maybe this will help.
Good luck!
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Janey
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I think it's great that you've had the guts to say no to something you don't enjoy.
I work for a grad school in Canada and I have a theory that's it's always more impressive on a school application or a scholarship application to be able to say you've passed through a hard time physically and emotionally. You don't need to say what it was precisely just that it was a serious illness but with hard work and doing a lot of research that you passed through it. One of our students was ill during her time as a undergrad. So her GPA slipped below the minimum cut off for the award. Fortunately we can make exceptions and she went on to win an award. Some of the other students with consistently above average GPA's didn't simply because there was nothing to distinguish them.
Also the two of our best students started there undergrads at local colleges. Yet their miles ahead of the others who spent all there time in one of the bigger schools.
Guess what I'm driving at that you don't have to do something just because it's expected of you. You don't need to go straight from high school to University. You don't need to construct your entire life around something that's in the future.
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Stable IBS D
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I know what you mean. I haven't traveled in years. It's not because I worry,It's because of how bad my ibs is everyday. The only place I travel to is my job becaue without it I could never pay for ibs teas or supplements. I usually don't even do simple thinsg like pick up my birth control at the pharmacy,the last 2 times my parents picked it up.
Little thinsg bother me alot more too. Like people snoring or dogs barking. Acne and feeling bloating upset me. Makes me feel so gross in combination with ibs. I'm jelous of people who can work 10hours a day.I could never afford insurance or take time out of my day to learn how to drive..Either drinking tea,peeing alot/ having ibs on the toilet or hunched at my computer desk. I just feel disgusting and like a loser living at my parents and usually going in the negative dollars. So its,ibs,acne,extra body fat,compulsive eating, and no money that makes me feel so disgusting.
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Your post made me cry because you so accurately described so many of the emotions I am also going through as well. I'm a senior in college and this past summer I was supposed to take chemistry as part of my plan to do a pre-medicine program. But after my junior year (during which I developed IBS) things were spiraling out of control. I started the summer course but just could not do it. I would start to get terrible bloating, cramping, and extreme pain. I would try to be doing a science experiment and have to be dealing with the feeling that my stomach was going to burst open! It made me so angry that the other students could just be there and be concentrating on their assignment but I was suffering inside. I always try to be upbeat and friendly, but putting on this facade every single day is completely draining when you feel so sick all the time. Everyday I just can't help but want to escape whatever situation I am in because I just want to go where I can be alone and not show anyone the pain I am feeling.
Its not like other people when they are sick they can just curl up in bed and wait it out until they feel better again. If I did that everytime I felt sick- every moment of my life would be spent in bed! I always feel like I am letting people down when I say I'm not up to going out to dinner, etc. Sometimes I go anyway, even though restaurants and going out in general are like my worst nightmare. Then I just end up feeling miserable while everyone else is having a good time. People will be like-- what's wrong. And I don't like to talk about it so its awkward because I'll just be like- oh my stomach hurts. But when they ask me that everyday and I say my stomach hurts... they are like, everyday?!? Yes. Everyday. I have told my closest friends, but still-- I encounter acquaintances everyday that question why I am not having the piece of cake offered to me at work, why I can't go out for pizza or coffee. Why I can't eat their grandma's famous mashed potatoes at their family picnic. And obviously, I'm not going to come out and say-- well because I have IBS... because most of them wouldn't even know what that means!
So since dropping that chemistry class... I am rethinking my desires to attend medical school. I just don't think I could handle such a high stress profession and the long term schooling that it requires if I'm going to be feeling like this forever with IBS! I feel like I am at the end of my rope-- I can't imagine if I actually have to live with this forever. I can barely take another day!
I feel like I am giving up my dreams and who I am because IBS has taken over everything. It takes priority over school, work, friends, family. I used to be extremely involved and ambitious and now, like you said, I just have no interest in anything anymore-- and seeing competitive people makes me mad, as you described. I just think- I used to be like that. But now I'm just like- wow how does anyone have the energy to be like that? I can barely make it through this simple task that I am performing at an extremely slow pace and with mediocre effort.
On top of that, I feel that I drove my boyfriend crazy with my constant crying and complaining about all the pain and confusion I was experiencing this year in the midst of my many trips to various doctors and lack of a diagnosis. Trying to manage that and 30 hours of intense classes a week, work, and studying-- was-- impossible! Needless to say, we broke up and I feel like I lost everything I had.
I find it hard to believe that one year ago I was a happy carefree young woman who had a great time with her boyfriend and friends and family...and now I'm miserable, depressed, and irritated all the time. I find it hard to go to my easy summer job where I sit at a computer all day. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of fun and what was supposed to be a really exciting part of life!
Obviously this is ridiculously long-- but I really appreciated these posts because it made me feel not so alone in this. These message boards are really helping me through this because I feel like you are the only ones who really understand.
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IBS-C, GERD, Lactose Intolerant, "Allergic" to Legumes (Soy!), Tree Nuts.
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