Since we are getting personal. I have a sex question.
#267134 - 06/02/06 06:40 AM
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ccckkk
Reged: 11/06/03
Posts: 48
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I have been meaning to ask a question like this on the site for a while. Maybe you women out there with IBS can give me some insight. I am in my early 30s and have suffered with IBS-C/colonic inertia all my life.
How do all you IBS sufferers find boyfriends and how do you deal with having sex? I don't even want to spend time with a guy let alone have sex due to my IBS always acting up. I am always bloated and gassy. How do you women handle these situations when with a man? I am still a virgin and due to having IBS all my life, I just try to avoid social situations, so the opportunity never came up. I had a few boyfriends but I am always the one to put the relationship to a stop after a couple of months because I feel I cannot handle spending time with the person, even just sitting and watching a movie makes me uptight. I feel I struggled all my life and I feel so much more relaxed when I am alone. Why should I keep struggling when it just upsets me? Can anyone give me some insight to start chaning things on this issue?
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I know that feeling. But I just did it anyway, I just went ahead and did it. ..Sometimes though, I admit that I make excuses when I'm bloated/gassy. I sort of have a long distance relationship, so when we schedule time to be together, I usually try and calm my stomach down before that time comes. It works well, because he isn't with me all the time, probably once a week.
I don't know if I have broken any barriers here, and I don't know if I should apologize if I have but this seems like an emotional issue as well that needs to be discussed. Lately, my ibs is horrible, so when me and my partner have sex, I usually just lie back so my stomach doesn't hurt as much or doesn't look as bloated. I also try not to think about it. Thinking about my future stable days, also helps! I get excited about having a flat stomach and developing newfound confidence. I hope things work out for you. I also find that keeping your shirt on or something during sex may help hide the bloating.
The thing that is making me nervous, is when I might be moving in with my boyfriend to go to college. What will he think when he sees me spreading babyfood on a peice of toast? Hah!
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My advice...just embrace your IBS. Don't try to hide it or make excuses. When you're comfortable with it and yourself you'll be able to relax more. I was always so worried about what people would think...it just made things worse. I now have a wonderful husband. I always thought he would get annoyed by what I do for and how I react to IBS or think I was weird for the way I ate...but he doesn't. He does everything he can to make me feel comfortable. He supports me with everything I try...as long as I'm trying to make progress he doesn't care what it takes. He wants me to feel good as much as I do. So, be up front about your condition. You'd be surprised at how small of an issue it seems for some people. It's like having allergies or something...you have it, you have to deal with it, but it doesn't define you. So, be up front. If the guy is really interested in you he won't care if you have to eat a little differently or need to take things easy sometimes. You just have to give him a chance to get to know you...not the IBS-influenced you. Worrying less is the key. I should know. I'm the world's biggest worrier. I just started seeing a psychologist to get it under control. That may be another thing to consider. HTH.
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~Mary
Had surgery for rectal prolapse in Sept. '06 and feeling good now! Loving life with our IVF miracle #1.
 
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Hi Alli,
I'd just like to say that if your boyfriend really cares about you then I hope he'd be more interested in WHY you have to spread baby food on toast, and also WHY you prefer not to swallow semen.
Love and affection and truly caring for someone includes trying to understand how it is for the other person and truly taking this on board.
If you are seriously considering living together, I suggest you share these aspects of your very personal life with him before you make the move.
On a practical basis it should be easy enough to spit out into something rather than worry about swallowing.
Brave lady ~ you don't need to apologise to anyone on this board ~ some of us are in full admiration of your ability to be upfront.
People didn't have to open your post knowing that it was about sex!
Best,
Joanna (Lorien)
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Yes, you are right, I think part of it is emotional, but it all started with all my IBS problems and trying to get out there and socialize.
A guy seeing me bloated is not what worries me, my bigger problem is the gas and how to handle that. I am usually gassy all night long and could not handle even sleeping in the same room with a guy.
Regarding you moving in with you boyfriend, I think you really need to tell your boyfriend everything about your situation before you move in with him. I would never be able to handle that without him knowing what I go through. You should talk with him about your diet, etc.
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I really do not have a problem with telling people about my IBS and them knowing if I am on a certain diet, etc. My main problem is I hide the real details. How am I supposed to tell him the details of my IBS? Also, even if he does know, it is still embarassing day in and day out.
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Thank you for that! I appreciate the fact that people are supporting the way I sometimes speak without thinking.
My boyfriend usually laughs when I eat things like, plain rice with salt or something, but I have developed a helpful habit of making people laugh about it. I'm usually humourous anyways, so it's easy for me to do that. I just usually make fun of myself. People really laugh when I carry around a plain peice of bread with me somewhere and just eat it. That's not really necessary, but I think it's hilarious. Good stuff.
I know he wouldn't mind about the spitting. He cares enough to ask me to move in with him and everything, so I think I can trust him to understand.
Anyways, ccckkk, don't let ibs control your life to that extent! I think the stress will just make it worse. Best wishes to you, and everyone.
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My best advise to you is to find a man who loves you for everything you are. When I met my husband, I was very embarassed and shy about the whole 'ibs' thing. However, after a month or so, I just came clean and told him everything about my condition.. and let me tell you, he completely understood. Sometimes, when we're 'intimate' I feel a roaring in my stomach and I have to flee to the bathroom, but he understands. He never gets mad at me for it, or makes me feel embarrassed or guilty about it. He just understands.. because he loves me. I know it can be hard to be comfortable with a man when you have active ibs, but just relax and know that when you find the right one, he'll love you for all that you are and will accept your ibs. By the way, me and my hubby waited until marriage before having sex. If youre very nervous about sex with a boyfriend because of ibs, maybe you should wait a little bit. After all, a guy who is willing to wait to have sex before marriage is a keeper! 
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Ya know, when I first started dating my fiance, i was scared like you wouldn't belive about *oh no, what if i get ill at his house, what will he think when i stink up the place* and all of those kinds of things but honestly, as of June 4th we will have been together for four years and when i'm having a really bad attack, he will leave me alone or rub my back to make the pain feel better. (of course not while i'm in the bathroom or anything... before the whole D starts up) He will even get me my peppermint tea or pick up pretzels on his way home from work.
We went on a trip to Calgary last week and on the last day we were there I had such a violent, painful, loud, and smelly attack that when i got out of the bathroom (which was right beside the bed in the hotel) I was so embarrassed, and so guilty about being so ill, and he had no problems with it. He understood it wasn't something I can always control and even though i'm sure the whole hotel heard me, he said he didn't hear or notice a thing..
He even completly understands my odd eatting habits and doesn't make fun of me at all. If he wants something I can't have, we always go somewhere where there is safe stuff for my stomach... You will find someone that understands.. Hell, even for our wedding next year, the menu doesn't have alot of things I can handle but he is more than willing to pull some strings just so as I can have something that won't make me ill on our special day.
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Thank you so much for answering. You really give me hope. Just knowing there are other people who have gone through this and are really making a life for themselves gives me hope.
I know your fiance understands what you are going through, but how do you handle being with his friends and his family? Is that difficult for you? Do you find they understand?
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Anybody that isn't okay with you having to deal with IBS in whatever way necessary isn't worth troubling over. If you find someone you care about and can see some sort of future with that person, tell them what's going on. If they are understanding and supportive, good for them. If they aren't, walk away. Don't be embarrassed about gas or any other symptoms. Especially the gas. I've yet to find a man that didn't pass gas with pride. LOL.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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I've found that honesty - scary as it is - is better than hiding. Heck, I've had attacks that have ended abruptly just by my admitting that I was feeling crappy. And I've driven myself into attacks by trying to "behave normally".
As for sex...if I'm feeling bad, I'm not in the mood. If I'm feeling good, I try not to stress about what I look like because I know women are brainwashed to compare themselves with airbrushed models. I try to concentrate on what I feel from the inside, not what I look like on the outside. Outside of my stupid abusive ex, no man ever dissed me about my belly bloat, which was pretty bad pre-Heather.
--AC
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Thank you for posting.
I try not to get embarrassed by the gas, but it is much easier said that done. This is the main reason why I don't socialize much let along try to get a boyfriend. I have tried to find guys on the Internet who have IBS or IBD, becasue I feel maybe they would be more understanding. But it seems those guys or at least the ones I have met either in person or through e-mail are just not interested in a relationship. It seems they are more scared than I am. At least I am willing to take some sort of a chance with an IBSer. I find I am not as comfortable being with "normal" guys. I do know I need to find a way to get past this.
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Hello,
I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2003. The diagnosis came about a week after I started dating my now fiance. I hid my violent episodes of D from him in the beginning when we went out on our first few dates by loading up on immodium. But once I knew what my diagnosis was I just decided to be upfront with him and tell him everything. As it turns out his Grandma has chrohn's disease so he was somewhat familar with IBD.
I haven't really had any issues with sex and ulcerative colitis. As others have mentioned of course if I'm having a D attack then obviously we won't have sex but I mean there's always cuddling.
I think the important thing is to not let the IBS control your life. The right guy will accept you for who you are as a person and not care about the IBS.
Jenn
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I had a very not-so-understanding ex-husband. I am very thankful everyday that I have met a wonderful man who is more devoted to finding a solution to my IBS than I am. Not that it bothers him or inconveniences him, because he knows how much pain I am in most of the time. It was very difficult at first to even think of telling him about my "problem". But once I got the nerve up, it was amazing. He now tells me "let it rip" even though I won't in front of him. He is a very reserved type of guy so this was a big shock to me. But he knows that if it does happen, it's not my fault. He says he would rather me be embarrassed a little then to be in pain. If the person you are with is the right one, then he/she will understand EVERTHING about you.
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Angela
IBS-D and C
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I can so relate to your episode in the bathroom. I have been married for18 year. My IBS was beginning when I met my now husband. I used to pretend to take a bath when I was really on the toilet with D. Using the tub to mask the amount of time I was in the bathroom. Now my husband is used to my endless hours in the bathroom. I keep a radio in there though to at least do what I can to keep the noice down. As for sex, it is not very often. Who can feel sexy when your butt has been exploding for hours. Even though my husband has always complimented by shape and my butt, I ask him how he can be attracted to the part of my body that does such horrible things.
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How did you exactly tell him? Did you go into actual details when you explained it to him? Or did you just say you have IBS and let him thing whatever that meant to him?
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Are you ever gassy at night while you are sleeping? I know I must be, because if I get up and am groggy through the night, I know I am gassy and need to let it out.
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Have you tried the hypno yet?
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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I have had the hypno tapes for a long time. I started the first one and two tapes but never get much farther than that. I seems to fall asleep in the middle of it and then try to redo it the next night, so I can actually listen to what he is saying but end up falling asleep again or not paying attention to it. Now, I have not listened to it for a while. I should start again.
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At the time I started dating him (he is now my husband)it was like we could talk about anything. I am the type of person who doesn't mind educating people about things they may not know much about. Of course he noticed that I would get sick after eating things (I am just now starting Heather's IBS diet advice) and would ask questions...so I answered them the best that I could. We now have an understanding that I cannot and will not pass gas in front of him unless it "slips". He knows that when I say I am not feeling well, I will need to be alone for a moment, he understands what I mean and gives me my privacy. I either go to another part of the house, the second bathroom, or I just take a walk around the yard. I am very blessed to have such an understanding husband who respects my needs.
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Angela
IBS-D and C
Edited by aross (06/02/06 03:03 PM)
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Hypno can still be effective even if you are sleeping. I always fall asleep at night listeneing to it and it actually works better for me that way. It helps me to get a good night's sleep which helps IBS and subconciously you are still listening to the CD, which is where the suggestions take hold anyway. So, I'd say give it another try from the beginning and if you fall asleep, don't worry about it. Just keep going with the program and see how it goes. It can help with the gas and with the embarrassment issues.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Okay, you have convinced me to try again. I am definitely going to start listening to it again, and thank you for your posts and your help.
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Hi, I love everyone's responses to this post - it is so true, love truly is blind to gas and bloat and all that jazz. In fact my last boyfriend found my bloated tummy strangely sexy (even if it doesn't feel that sexy!)
BUT... and I hope no one's going to bite my head off here... if you are passing lots of smelly gas at night, to the point that it might really bother the person sharing your bed, perhaps you might try those smell-absorbent pads that someone has mentioned on these boards before. You wear them in your undies and they contain charcoal, I think, which absorbs the smell. Maybe someone here could refresh my memory as to what they were called or the website to buy them from?
Anyway, just a thought. I certainly know where you are coming from. But I have been surprised at how supportive my past boyfriends have been of my situation.
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IBS-C, lots of spasm and trapped gas.
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Hi,
To tell you the truth, my gas does not really smell at all. It is more the noise that I always worry about. If I let it out, there is definitely always a noise. If I hold it in, I am in so much pain and it seems I have more and more gas.
During the night is the worst, all night. I can't sleep and it gives me back pain too. That is when I keep going over in my head, that I would never be able to have someone sleep in the same room as me. I just can't even imagine it. I am I crazy for thinking this, since my gas does not smell.
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Hi,thanks for the post.
So, you did not tell your husband about your IBS until after you were married? Was that difficult to keep from him?
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OH, sorry about that. I reread your post. Now I realize you told him about your IBS a month after you met him.
I understand now.
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I hope no one thinks I'm being arrogant when I say this, but I really don't get the embarassment. I feel bad that there are so many people out there who are feeling embarassed by a bodily function. I know it can be loud, smelly, and distracting, but we all have flaws. I find that friends and lovers not only accept me for being honest and up front about stuff like IBS, but they actually admire me for having the courage to talk about things like this without being self-concious. To be honest, I don't see it as a flaw; it is just part of who I am. Even if I didn't like who I am, I would have to say that there are probably enough good qualities to me that would override a few farts.
And as for sex, I have never had a man laugh or even crack a smile when I farted during sex. Afterwards we may joke or laugh about it, but during the act our minds are elsewhere! As long as you both are enjoying yourselves, forget about those extra noises. The less you make of it, the less he'll think of it.
Society makes up the rules of what is polite and what isn't. You can choose to adhere to those rules or create your own. 
~ Lisa
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Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!
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...I say straight out, "Look, this is me, this is the way I am, if you can't handle that, please let me know now." Except mixed into all that were more details. There's no need to be ashamed or embarrased abouta perfectly normal bodily function. So yours functions differently, we understand.  And personally, trapped gas is painful and I won't waste time with a man who can't appreciate me at my worst as well as at my best. My BF and I tease one another a lot, in a loving \way. And you don't have to draw attention to it or that you did it, either. If it's obvious that you did, just be polite about it, but don't make a fuss. There's no need to waste so much energy worrying about it. Sure, it's totally not fun, especially in public, and it's okay that you're embarrassed, it's natural to feel that way for a lot of ppl. I tell ppl all the time, "I may be a lady, but I don't always act like one." In other words, I burp, fart, talk about poop, lounge around in PJs, rarely do my hair or makeup...etc." I hope you realize that you don't have to be alone or feel that you should stay away from intimacy with anyone whether it be friends, family, or a partner. IBS is hard, I know, it's hard to deal with personally and amongst others, and not everyone will understand. But no one's perfect. I mean if they can't accept you for who you are and everything you are, then that doesn't say much about how them. That's just my opinion. But good luck and I hope you are able to feel more comfortable. (In a clothing store, flipping through clothes, I felt gassy, but not like I had to poop, and I wasn't overly uncomfortable, and it figured that as soon as someone walked down the aisle I was in, I would fart, and five seconds later, which was by the time they got in my vicinity, it stank horribly. I just kept nonchalantly flipping through clothes. WHy bother trying to explain yourself to every stranger who happened to pass my gas cloud?) So, I totally empathize with you, it's tough braving the world with this. You'll make it.
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XOXO from lil' ol' me. (IBS-C, mood disorders, etc., etc.)
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