Your Relationships
#230480 - 12/09/05 08:54 PM
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Gracie
Reged: 11/25/05
Posts: 1967
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When you found out you had IBS, were you in a relationship? For those that were just dating at the time, did your boyfriend, or girlfriend help and support you, or did they give up on you and the relationship?
Has IBS put a strain on your relationship or marriage?
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My boyfriend has been an absolute gem through this. Now, I've had IBS since I was 12, so I've had it through my entire dating life, and I've definitely had some men in my life who were less than sympathetic, although none of them were really straight-up awful about it. My current bf, however, was with me when I got an actual official diagnosis.
Adam (the bf) had the dubious "pleasure" of seeing me through the absolute WORST spell of IBS I've ever had. I spent months unable to eat anything, wasting away to nothing, and having horrible panic attacks that actually had me convulsing. Through it all, he was nothing short of amazing. He made the first initial phone calls that got me some medical care. (We're very poor; no insurance.) He drove me to appointments. He took care of me, doing everything from fetching me peppermint tea when I was having a bad attack, to setting me up with an old laptop and a stack of trashy magazines when I was too weak to even get out of bed for weeks. Even better yet, he never blamed me, never got mad when I couldn't do things - if he ever felt like that, he kept it to himself, and for that I'm eternally grateful.
IBS has definitely NOT put a strain on our relationship. We're in it for the long haul, and nobody's life is a perfectly straight, smooth road... this was just another pothole that we had to deal with. Thank god he's mature enough to know that too.
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I was in a previous relationship when I found out. He was okay about it, but nothing to write home about. 
Now, for my husband, I told him the very first time we went out. It wasn't easy, but I just told him straight up that I have this problem and if he had any qualms about it, he could leave now. I explained a little about it since he'd never heard of IBS. He said so what, everyone's got problems, and he's been 100% supportive ever since.
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LOL, I love this Subject line!!!
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I got IBS after I'd met Si (now my hubby) so he's been there for all of it. He's been great 
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NOPE
#230503 - 12/10/05 06:51 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Absolutely, positively not. If anything, it drew us closer together. Hubby has been extremely supportive and sympathetic. I think he realizes how lucky he is to be so healthy. He always serves me Tummy Mint tea and instant oatmeal in bed, then hangs around the house in case there's anything I need. He loves me and he wants me to feel better.
When he fell off his bike and broke his hip, I was just as supportive and sympathetic. I love him, and I want him better.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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In a previous relationship, before I was diagnosed, I remember going through a spell that I am now confident was an IBS flare. The man I was in a relationship with at the time also had Crohn's yet he had no sympathy or empathy. (I know Crohn's is worse.) Though there were also a lot of other negatives in that relationship, I think our respective disorders did have an effect.
Now, the man I married, on the other hand, has been wonderful. In November 2004, another IBS flare began, and I was diagnosed in early February of this year. I spent most of the year getting stable. Through it all, my husband has been wonderful. He didn't give up on me. He did get frustrated now and then, but with the situation, not with ME. He put up with months of stopping so I could use the bathroom when we were only half way there when I couldn't handle the 20 minutes it took to get all the way across town. With just a few exceptions, he will eat whatever I eat. He's never made me feel like I have to cook two separate meals. He's been very supportive. I found a winner too! He's fabulous, really.
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I think people are actually a lot more supportive of it than you would think.
I got IBS in High School and I've been in three serious relationships since then. All three were very supportive of me, and it never interfered.
For example, my college boyfriend actually SPRINTED home a mile from a restaurant we walked to back to our dorm because I thought I was about to have a major attack within seconds. haha at one point he even carried me along the way.
The others have completely understood when I've gritted through my teething saying "NEED BATHROOM NOW!"
There's definitly hope.. and it sounds like many of us haven't had too many problems. good luck.
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My hubby is mostly good - sometimes impatient with it. I am stable -- but when I eat too much or the wrong things I get gassy or bloated (which means I am not in the mood -- which puts him in a bad mood) -- but other than that -- very understanding. He really likes a lot of the new recipes.
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Thanks Ashley
#230512 - 12/10/05 07:38 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Yeah, he's a cutie-pie. But that picture was taken 29 years ago; he doesn't look like that now!
..... he looks better. 
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I found out I had IBS about 2 months after I gave birth to my son (2years ago). I was married and at first I just saw my regular doctor, so we were not really sure how serious it was. I then began to see my GI doctor and that is when it hit us both. He has always been supportive and understanding through out the whole ordeal. I am very lucky to have him beside me through all of this.
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Here He Is!
#230549 - 12/10/05 09:43 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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[Picture deleted.]
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
Edited by Bevrs (12/12/05 08:40 PM)
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He is GORGEOUS Bev!  He looks like a right ladykiller flirt with that smile!
Okay, I know...he's too old for me. But no-one is too old to be gorgeous!
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Thanks. Everyone's replies have been great and positive. Although I've been mostly stable for 2-3 months now, I still worry about having IBS attacks and think I'd probably be better off alone rather than going through embarassing situations and the guy having little or no sympathy for me or understanding of the problem. I guess I just have to keep looking. Thanks again.
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Thanks Linz
#230570 - 12/10/05 11:35 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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I'll have to tell him you said that. It'll make his head swell -- not a good thing for most guys, but for this guy, oh yeah. He had a hard time when he hit 70, totally unaware of how hot he still is.
Thanks again!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Everyone goes through difficult and embarrassing stuff during their life. If a guy can't cope with IBS, he won't be able to cope with "in sickness and in health" at all! If a guy is worthy of your love, he will be able to cope with IBS.
I'm kinda proof of that! When I met hubby I was a super healthy sailor, looking to turn pro after Uni. Now I have IBS, Fibro, CFS and am signed off work sick. But he still loves me!  There are some great guys (and gals) out there. Just keep looking till you find one!
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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Thanks for the encouragment Linz.
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I got IBS too after I married my hubby. I don't think he always understands my stomach(heck I don't) but it doesn't really affect our relationship at all. He's had D before hit him out of the blue and knows what that is like so I think he can relate somewhat but not on a daily basis like me.
Sandy
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I just found out that my reoccuring stomach issues, that started during pregnancy and have worsened since, are caused by IBS. I live with my boyfriend and our 8 month old son now. He definitely doesn't understand what I go through, and I can tell that he thinks I'm being a drama queen a lot. But I know he can't even relate; he has a stomach of steel- nothing upsets it or bothers it ever! He can eat whatever he wants w/out ever having any sort of gas, bloat, pain, or discomfort. And his mom is a very stubborn woman (with a lot of control over him) and she often tells him and I that I overexaggerate my condition because her friend has IBS and she gets along just fine. Her attitude really frustrates me. She doesn't understand that maybe my case of IBS is different from her friends. She doesn't understand the stress I'm under being a full time college student and mother to an 8 month old. She doesn't understand how little sleep I get since my baby doesn't sleep through the night yet. She thinks she undertands IBS but how can she? She has never experienced it. Not only that, but She hates that I can't eat the greasy, fatty food that everyone prepares at her house/holiday parties and rolls her eyes when I apologize for my food sensitivites. I'd say that his mom's attitude towards my IBS hurts our relationship more than my boyfriends! Sometimes though I wish he'd be more understanding when it comes to my lack of sleep and consequent IBS symptoms. When our son wakes up 6 times a night for a few days my stomach gets pretty bad because I'm so exhausted and he just can't relate or grasp that lack of sleep influences my gut- thus, he thinks I'm a drama queen. Seeing as I was just recently diagnosed and I've just now started changing my lifestyle/diet I guess I'll have to hope, see, and pray that my relationship can stand up to my IBS (and his mother!!).
Amber
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Wasn't hers the bar in San Francisco where the marquee was blinking boobies???????????????
Your hubby is a cutie....my goodness what a smile!
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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My IBS didn't arrive until about 7 years ago though I have had bout of it for over 20 years. My husband hasn't been entirely sympathetic but it has more to do with his upbringing than his being a "donkey". His mother had major health issues and used them to make him do stuff and that robbed him of his childhood.
What works for us is that I don't really say much about it unless I am really hurting and then he pretty much leaves me be. I am not one who needs a lot of pampering when I don't feel well, I just want to be left alone. We found the balance that works for us...
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I hate being pampered when I'm sick. I want to be left entirely alone....my husband respects that. He leaves me alone when I don't feel well. That's why we were "designed for each other". His mother has Lupus and his dad is diabetic. So, he spent his entire childhood caring for his mother while she was bedridden. I guess he is kind of "used" to being around people that have health issues. Nobody really ever gets used to it.....but, he knows how to deal with it. His parents were supposed to come over here for christmas but since they know what I'm going through they called and cancelled their trip because they both know it puts alot of stress on my heath, just to have visitors. And it does.....because I want to be left alone when I'm sick. I have a high respect for what they did for me.
Michelle
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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I just started developing IBS when dating my husband. In fact, the second after he proposed I had to run to the bathroom with D. So he was fairly warned. He is really great about it. Once in a while everyone can be annoyed by the effects of IBS but he has been great. I have a lot more trouble with his family and other close friends not understanding how important it is for me to eat right and how much PAIN IBS can cause. I think an understanding spouse is a complete necessity. I couldn't tolerate him being a jerk about it.
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IBS-A for 20 years with terrible bloating and gas. On the diet since April 2004. Remember this from Heather's information pages:
"You absolutely must eat insoluble fiber foods, and as much as safely possible, but within the IBS dietary guidelines. Treat insoluble fiber foods with suitable caution, and you'll be able to enjoy a wide variety of them, in very healthy quantities, without problem." Please eat IF foods!
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Bevrs, he's a totally real HUNK, a man & a gentleman.
Kate.
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He's a good man whose main concern is my health, and when I'm doubled over with an attack, he's right there to bring me tea in bed. I'm guessing there aren't too many men these days who would do that for their wives.
I'm a lucky gal. Thanks!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hi Gracie,
I guess you could say IBS hasn't hurt our relationship at all.....we've been married 39 yrs. Hubby is very good when I say I don't feel like going out cause my tummy is bothering me. He doesn't mind that I'm usually eating something different than he is. He never looks at me strange when I eat the same things over and over cause I know they don't bother me. He never laughs when I have to carry a medicine chest in my purse. (actually, one time he was glad I had some Imodium with me because he needed it).
Lots of different things happen during the course of a long relationship. He had bypass surgery a few years ago and I was there right by his side during the long recovery. When I had my appendix out he was right there bringing me stuff cause I didn't feel like getting up. When I have my panic attacks he tries to be a calming influence.
IBS is nothing compared to the other stuff we have been through. He has been a trouper through it all.
Barbie
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I had IBS before I started dating Mac, I got officially diagnosed the first time about month after breaking off a long term relationship with someone else, but I'd had it for a few years. Mac knew about it sort of before we started dating. His way of asking me out was he came to my dorm room door, and asked me to ask him out on whatever my version of coffee was, since he knew I couldn't drink it! We ended up going for a long walk the next evening.
He's great about making sure I eat, that I have things I can eat, that we go out to places where I can eat something there, he cooks for me, eats what cook no problem, always asks me if he can do anything to make me feel better, helps out around the house with my fibro (in fact will drive me to school when it asks up so much I can barely walk), takes me to the doctor's, and is more worried about me most of the time than I am! He also knows I want to be held when I don't feel well (weird quirk of mine) and oblidges when he can!
In fact, he's making me breakfast in bed this morning since my fibro's acting up (we were out late last night at a holiday party for his lab).
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Aww that's very sweet!
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Congratulations on being married 39 years. It's great that you found someone understanding of your IBS and doesn't say it's all in your head.
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Funny you should mention this.
The other night, after eating a BOLCO wrap, I became bloated.
What always happens during this time is my stomach will ballon, and my arms shrink.
I always am self conscious of this, and being someone whose body to me is what a classic corvette is to an antique fad, it demoralizes my soul.
I have been told it is all in my head.
Then my gym partner comes up to me, and repeatedly was telling me my arms look much scrawner.
He kept repeating this over and over, in a joking way, but you could tell he really saw a difference.
This made me want to cry and drap myself in a long sleeve sweater.
So yes, when IBS causes a physical appearance change, it hurts my friendships.
It makes me want to lie down and scream "I surrender."
It would be the equivilant of an antique fad seeing his prized Model T Ford getting pegged by children throwing rocks.
I wish for two things, one for this to stop happening to me, two if this does happen to me, that I might aquire some set of skills so this will not cripple me.
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Have you tried giving both your BF and his mother reading material on how IBS can be very different for each person and the different things people with IBS go through?
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You should talk to your doctor, or a GI doctor.
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Wow, Bev!
#230809 - 12/11/05 05:41 PM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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One thing definitely hasn't changed: you're a beautiful couple, then and now. Wowza!
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Hello
I actually had IBS before I met my husband. In fact, before we started dating, he was my shoulder to lean on when I wasn't feeling well. I feel so blessed to have someone in my life who is so understanding. I feel like I must comlain too much and I must annoy him, but he never complains about it and is always supportive! No matter how bad I feel, a nice belly rub from him and his love and support will make me feel better. I hope that all people with IBS have a support like him!
Danielle
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Amber
#230814 - 12/11/05 06:23 PM
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rn21666
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 255
Loc: Maryland
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Hey there girl- mine was worse for the first year also. You will slowly but surely find a stable point. And you are correct, everyone's IBS is completely different in severity. My M-I-L got me this new tea with chamomile and mint. It really helps when my stomach starts to hurt.
At first some of my family did not understand it either. Now that they see that I can't eat what they eat all the time, they have come to understand. My brother though, still does not seem to get it. He kept pressuring me to get a milkshake at a diner we went to and finally I just have to give him so gross details and that was the end of that conversation. Good Luck~
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I've had IBS all my life, but I didn't get a name for it until I was shacked up with my now-husband. I did all sorts of silly crazy things (the all SF diet for IBS-C! freaking out about pumpernickel bagels!), but he's still with me. Not that he doesn't find my food restrictions annoying at times, but now that he has them too (diabetes), he knows my pain.
He's the cook, and he now knows how to IBS-up most of our meals (even if it's just giving me an extra slice of bread). When life gets stressful for me, he's the first one to suggest I do a hypno CD and make me up a mug of peppermint tea with acacia in it. He's been setting up a heating pad on my side of the bed each night so I can combat the evening bloats.
If you would be compassionate towards your partner's illness, he/she should be compassionate towards yours.
--AC
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I'm lucky! Really lucky! I didn't start the symptoms until about 7 or 8 months ago. I've been married for 5 glorious years and my hubby wouldn't leave me for anything. He said to me (when I was diagnosed), "It's ok hunny. I'll be there. I won't leave you, no matter how serious or gross an illness! He took the time (all on his own) to read both of Heather's books so that he has a better understanding. What a sweetie!
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Cheers!
Sher
IBS-A
Edited by sgebhardt (12/14/05 04:07 PM)
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I am in a relationship and we've been together for 5 years. She is very supportive, but I find myself being very restless and annoyed lately. It is very hard to be loving when my stomach is in a knot.
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