Please read....I'm scared and I didn't get a response in "The Living Room"
#20064 - 09/09/03 12:09 PM
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Nugget
Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 2167
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I'm not sure how to explain this best or if I even should try. But I feel that it would help me alot to just get it off my chest. I hope you don't mind.
You see....I've always been known as the shy, quiet, "never does anything wrong" type. For some reason I feel like I have so much anger built up in me and I don't know where it comes from. When I "explode" I do it when no one is around and I throw things or pound my fists into a pillow or on the bed matress, etc. I never throw anything that will break or destroy anything because I don't want anyone to find out. If anyone were to ever see me "explode" they'd be shocked I think. For example....this morning I asked my husband to do something and he didn't do it right away. I got frustrated trying to do it myself as he was outside doing something else before we went to work. So when he was outside I took my sweatshirt in my hand and beat it on our bed, I knocked over a little chair and inside I was screaming. He eventually helped with what I asked him to, and I knew he would. I don't know where this anger comes from over such petty things. But, it scares me. I even slapped our dogs this morning when they jumped up on me. It wasn't hard enough to hurt them, but what if it ever is? That scares me. My husband has seen my temper to a certain extent, but he has never really seen me "explode". How can I control it? How can I find out where it comes from? I think a lot of it is because I'm angry at my dad (even at my age of 35). I love my dad and we have always gotten along and he has been a good dad. Never was he abusive or anything like that. I just feel his work was and still is more important than anything else. He missed out on so much when my brother and I were kids and he continues to miss out on so much as we are adults. So sometime, I realize that if my husband or anyone does anything that reminds me of why I am angry with my dad then my anger builds up and I eventually "explode". Does that make sense?
When I was a kid, I would even hurt myself (minor things) so that I would get attention or get to go to the doctor. I have never ever told anyone that. Not that I was lacking in attention. I don't know what the problem was. I don't do that any more and haven't for many many years.
I think this has a lot to do with my tummy problems.
Thanks for listening.
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I responded in the Living Room just now. 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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I'm sorry you are going through this. For years I would go through similar things, like I just couldn't deal even with some of the simpliest things on certain days(No, I can't blame it all on PMS and it doesn't sound like you can either) I would get angry and take it out on my pets too. Like you said, not enough to really hurt them but that thought was also always in my mind. I have been on several different anti-depressants for the past 7-8 years, and that has made a hugh difference. At first I was very ressistant to anti-depressant meds, I didn't feel my problem was depression. My doctor explained to me about chemical imbalances in the brain that makes some of us have a harder time with even the most eveyday of things. Is it possible for you to see some kind of therapist, so you can talk to a professional about these problems? Please know that you are not the only one to have these kinds of feelings and it does NOT make you a bad person. Please feel to email me personally if you would like to talk more.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Hi Nugget,
Sounds like you are having quite a time. I really truly believe you should go to counselling. I completely understand what you are going through - only my issues were with my mother.
I didn't want to be put on anti depressent so I went to counselling first. It helps so much, I am such a believer in it. They guide you towards your feelings of what is "really" bothering you and I have learnt to bring that into my later life and it is wonderful.
Also - don't be afraid to yell. To let yourself be heard, if you want the garbage taken out and it doesn't happen say you are pissed off. Don't be embarrassed or scared to show your feelings. It is going to cause you alot more damage to keep these feelings held in.
I was on the verge of losing touch with my family because I felt so alone and that no one understood my feelings. I don't want to see this cause you and your husband to drift apart.
Don't be afraid to say what you feel, you have a right to, they are your feelings and you can't help how you feel.
If you would like to talk personally, my email is in my profile.
Good luck sweetie 
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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I have found one thing that helps me out when I am going through situations as you described, exercise. One day I found myself so angry I changed quickly strapped on some headphones and ran close to 12 miles. I also have started lifting more often and doing other physical activites like rollerblading, I usually workout close to every other day this really helps me stay grounded and calm. I also do a lot of deep meditative breathing. I wish you the best though and I know that if this doesn't work for you, you will definetly find something that does..
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Aww, sweetie. I feel so bad for you! Don't think we were ignoring you - I've been busy with newborn daughter. I agree with what the others were saying. It's time to talk to a Doc. You may have a chemical imbalance that can simply be corrected by meds. These imbalances can cause several things: from depression, to anxiety disorders, to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(which I have), to bipolar disorder (HUGE mood swings), etc.
You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling this way. Since it's been going on for a long time, I think it's about time to see about it. It's not like it wasa one time thing and it is obviously bothering you a lot.
Get this: I have OCD (obsessive compulsive) and depression AND I hid it for about 25 of my 30 years. I always felt like I was a bad person for feeling the way I did. Turns out it was just a stupid chemical imbalance and I feel much better now I'm on the correct meds.
Your Doc can tell you what he thinks. That's my guess. E-mail me if you'd like. I'm here for you!
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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....Just posted a "p.s." to my earlier reply on The Living Room board - very much like yours. It's tough carrying around a "secret", isn't it?
Nugget, terms like "OCD" and "depression", etc, can sound scary - but we just want to encourage you that there IS help - and HOPE - and, once again, this isn't "your fault" - no reason to be ashamed. Just keep taking one minute at a time and God bless you for your courage.
(BTW, I'm currently seeking a new, more definitive diagnosis - suspect I may either be somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, or, my depression has returned and I also may have undiagnosed ADD. Have my first appointment in October. While it's a little stressful to think about a new diagnosis and treatment, my past experience has been so good that I'm looking forward to getting this process going again).
Blessings to you both,
Kaybee C
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Nugget,
Your behavior proves only one thing... You are human! We ALL experience anger, frustration, depression and a whole spectrum of other emotions. Anyone who pretends they don't is just a better actress than you are.
I have dealt with anxiety and panic attacks. When I have PMS, I seriously could rip someones head off. No kidding. If you would ask someone who knows me if this is true, they would say, no way. I hide it very well. It just bubbles inside of me.
Once, when I was in fourth grade, I pretended to have a horrible stomach ache. Just to get attention. My parents took me to the emergency room! I felt so guilty! I still remeber confessing to them later.
If you notice from these responses, we all deal with something. This is the human condition, we have flaws. The true test is what we do about it. It is up to us to take responsibility for our own well being.
First, talk to your GP, they are a good place to start. If you both feel it is appropriate, try a medication for a period of time. I took Celexa for six months and it made a huge difference in my anxiety. It gave me time to "unlearn" my response to stress. Now I don't need it anymore, however I would not hesitate to take it again if necessary. My sister-in-law had problems with severe PMS and anger, which she did NOT hide well. It was way worse on us than on her I suspect! Her Gyn put her on BCPs. POOF, she is a new woman. (I am no longer afraid of her. LOL) Her hormones were just out of balance.
The other thing that would really help is to TALK about your frustrations. I bet your husband isn't even aware of it. Perhaps you could keep a journal. If you feel you can't manage on your own, your GP could reccommend a therapist.
You have taken the first step by sharing your fears with us. I hope it helps to know that you are not some horrible person. You are just like everyone of us, imperfect. God loves us anyway, flaws and all. I think we are presented with these challenges so that we can learn to cope and become better for it. If life were always easy and sunny, what would be the point? We are thinking of you and wish you the best. Artist (Kathleen)
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I want to thank all of you for your loving support, encouragement and suggestions. I have thought about going back to my GP and discussing this with him, but I hate to go back on meds. I was on Zoloft a couple years ago for two years for depression/anxiety. I was so proud of myself for getting off of it and so was everyone else (my family & husband). I hate to disappoint anyone.
Thanks again.
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Don't ever think that you would disappoint anyone by going to seek help. I don't want to be on any medicine either, but you have to do what is right for you. My situation is completely different, but I would strongly suggest going back to your doctor. That is not admitting defeat, just that you do need help. It is such a scary feeling. I was where you are six years ago. I hit my parent's dog in the face. His eye started to swell and I realized that I had an anger problem. That was probably the most guilty I have ever felt. To think that you can get to the point that you can hurt a living creature that loves you made me realize that I needed help. I will pray for you.
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lovejoy_22
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Hi Nugget -
Don't feel as though anyone will be disappointed in you...don't put that pressure on yourself. I am sure your husband loves you very much and would never judge you for something such as this.
Take care and don't be so hard on yourself. You are only human and it's big of you to admit you can't this on your own.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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How can taking the initiative to improve your well-being be considered a disappointment? I think that your husband was proud of you for going off meds because he believed you accomplished something that YOU felt was important. I bet if you sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling, you will see that he just wants what is best for you. I am certainly not trying to advocate meds as a cure all. However, if you feel you may need them for a period of time, what is the big deal? You wouldn't think less of someone for taking insulin if their body needs it? How is this different? Depression and anxiety are real chemical imbalances in the body. People who deal with these issues (myself included) are NOT weak people. On the contrary, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and resolve to live day to day with the challenges these medical issues present! You should feel proud of yourself for realising you need to make some adjustments. Have a good heart to heart with your husband, he may surprise you. Be brave, you can take charge. Good luck with whatever you decide. artist
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Nugget,
Please don't feel guilty about venting your anger with us, because there are many of us who have experienced similar feelings. You've gotten some great responses and a lot of good suggestions, so I don't know what else I could add. Just that if you do have a problem and you do need professional help and/or medication to overcome it, please don't feel like you are less of a person because of it. And don't let anyone make you feel bad about taking medication. Only you and your doctor can determine what is best for you.
I grew up in a family that didn't take medicine unless it was an emergency and that almost got me into big trouble about 4 years ago when I sunk into a major depression. Everyone kept telling me to "just snap out of it" and I couldn't. I spiraled downhill so fast that it was a miracle that I ever came out of it. Had it not been for the intervention of a neighbor I would not be here today. I thank God that she recognized how bad off I was and got me some professional help when I needed it. I fought taking medication until my doctor help me to realize that without it I was either really "up" or eally "down" and that that was dangerous. I realized that if I waited until I was really "down" to decide if I needed help, it might be too late for me then.
It's good that you have shared your feelings with us. You know we are always here for you!
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Nugget, you should be proud of yourself for bringing this issue up and to be willing to face something so scary. As Artist said, if you were diabetic, would you be ashamed to take insulin? Depression/anxiety are no different than diabetes. It is a BIOLOGICAL problem that needs to be corrected by medication. It's not your fault. I know how you feel though, I know someone who had to face the reality of being on anti-depressants for LIFE - it was tough for him. He realized that he's a better person on the meds, and it's what he has to do. He doesn't like it, but so be it.
Talk to your Doc - taking meds for a while is not a life sentence - you may need some just to get over a hurdle, or you may need them longer. The important thing is to FEEL BETTER. If meds can do that, so be it. Your husband would not want you feeling terrible when there may be something that can help - and not taking that just for the sake of not taking it.
Hang in there. We're here for you ....
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thank you Hans.....
I don't think I've had the chance yet to congratulate you on your new arrival. It's so hard to keep up with all the posts when I am trying to get on line at work. I am on line tonight here at home for a little while before I head to bed. I hope all is going well for you and your new arrival. {{{hugs}}}
As for my situation....thank you so much for your support and heart-felt understanding. In all honesty, Diabetes or other conditions that don't involve the mind are much more easily accepted by society than depression/anxiety disorders. That is why I am so hesitant about going back to my GP and getting back on medication. Not that my family and husband wouldn't be supportive. I know my husband thinks the world of me and would be very supportive. I just guess I am disappointed with myself for not being able to control this without any help. I have a wonderful GP that I trust so that's not a problem either. The problem is me and the fact that I, for whatever reason, am so hard on myself. Whether it is something in my past or what, I don't know. I have been to a councelor a while back and it helped, but I didn't feel comfortable talking about my problems. I feel that mine pale in comparison to what others are going through and I let on to the counselor that everything was better and she released me from her care. But, I don't feel that I was really done. But that was my fault, not hers.
I don't feel that I really tell my mom (she and I talk alot) or my husband or anyone else what really bothers me because I feel I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. I tell them to a certain point and then clam up.
I've always been labeled as shy and quiet so I guess I worry about what people would think of me if I told them what really hurts or bothers me. So I just stay quiet and shy like I have always been told I am. Does that make sense? Inside this "quiet shy" person lives an angry, aggressive, smart, strong, outspoken woman dieing to get out and express herself without being labeled negatively.
Am I making sense? Thanks for listening
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I understand how you feel. I had trouble facing my OCD/depression. However, there should be no stigma attached to it in society. We didn't choose to have this just like another person didn't choose to be diabetic. It's a MEDICAL condition that is in no way our fault for having. Should a person blame themselves for a medical problem they in no way cause? NO.
It's so hard talking about what bothers you - I'm exactly the same way. Tell to an extent .. but not all. I found I was really shortchanging my husband by doing that because he 1. Didn't know how much it REALLY bothered me
and 2. Couldn't help much because I hadn't told him the whole story and was frustrated that he couldn't help.
As for making a big deal over nothing - it's not. If it's bothering you - deal with it. Besides, if it's not a big deal, then talking about it may help find a solution or at least make you feel better. Tell your husband what you need. I would say something like - I just need you to understand how I feel right now.
As for what people think of you - I gave up long ago. I was always considered aloof, but I was really just shy and VERY insecure. Besides, we're talking about your Mom and your Hubby. They love you and that's not going to change just because you have some concerns. You may actually feel closer to them afterward - they can often be part of the solution. You don't have to spill all the beans in a day, either. Just deal with a bit at a time. You're not likely to metamorphasize into some loud monster that they've never seen before. I'm guessing that once you find the merits of being more outspoken, you won't worry about labels or what people think. People will believe what they want regardless. So why worry about it? The people that count - that really count - you will know how they feel about you.
A lot of this is coming from personal experience. I've been there. Take care - and feel free to e-mail me.
These posts are getting long! LOL.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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