Help my husband to cope with MY IBS
#13053 - 07/02/03 07:51 PM
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Josie
Reged: 03/28/03
Posts: 81
Loc: Boston
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Help! I have been living with IBS for 13 years. The symptoms can be crippling or mild, depending on the factors of my life. I have been having a hard time for months now, and it really limits what I can do and where I can go. I also get to deal with anxiety and depression...This is all taking a toll on my husband, who just sent an email to me saying "I feel like I can't make plans for us to do something because of your gut. I look back to the times I've bought tickets to some event only to not be able to go because of your gut and I think of how guilty you felt. I desperately want to see you happy again but I know it's going to take a long time for you to feel better." He is so tired from having to work overtime to make up for my not being able to work much. He wants to "fix it" but can't. He is frustrated and this is leading to SO many problems for us. We have only been married 2 years, and he knew all the details of my IBS before we were married. But I am not sure how much longer he can stand it. Are there any good books out there to help him cope, to understand it on a deeper level? Any one else who's spouse is struggling that can give me advice for him? Please, help...
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Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. -- Chinese proverb
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 Josie - I TOTALLY know what you're going through!! My husband and kids have gone through "phases" with my IBS... They understand, they don't understand. Number one thing for him to remember is that you did not choose to have IBS - none of us did. He's right - you can't "plan" certain things because of the uncertainty of IBS but you had it when he met you and you married despite it. Two years you've been married and he's already whining? Jeez... I've had it for 20 of our 22 years together. I have a feeling that he has never understood the impact of IBS. Of course, neither did we until we started to cancel dinner engagements, party invitations, weekend fishing trips, etc. One thing we do however is talk about it a lot. It is extremely important to do that. If you feel that you're "depressed" it probably is from the IBS - it is absolutely overwhelming - your life completely revolves around it and it sucks. I did find some "steps" that may help similar to the AA steps here: http://www.tenresolutions.org/3-4.html
Good luck and don't EVER think you're alone 
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Josie: Welcome to the board, you'll find a lot of information on here to help you through this. If you can follow Heather's diet and get your IBS under control, you should be able to lead a relatively normal life again. All of us understand just what you're saying about your spouse, I always feel guilty when we can only go out to eat in certain restaurants because of my food needs. Have you read the dietary guidelines posted by Heather or do you have one of her books? Everyone is different and all of us have specific triggers, you'll have to learn what your specific ones are. We're all in here to become more in control of our lives, which in turn will help our spouses.
Your husband sounds like a great guy, he's trying to help but doesn't know how. You'll have to take the reins and find out what diet works for you, then everything else should fall into place.
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My sister bought a book for the family members of IBS sufferers. She wanted to learn more about my problem (I think the fact she's a nurse played into that curiousity.) I undertand how you feel about not feeling able to go places or plan things. I often find myself trying to back out of plans. I haven't eaten in a restaraunt since November, on our anniversary. Our birthdays are at the end of the month and I'm soo paranoid he's going to want to go out to eat for his. At least your husband is understanding that it is a real problem. It's typical for men to try to fix you whether it's a physical or emotional problem. I do think following the plan will help, and maybe buy or check out a couple of books and sit him down and discuss the facts. I hope you start feel better soon and start getting out there again.
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Laurie
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission - Eleanor Roosevelt
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The reason I did research on books was to understand what my Girlfriend was, is, and will be for some time going through. With me doing the cooking most of the time I simply *had* to know some things, and *had* to understand them better for her sake.
The best way for me was through understanding IBS, learning how to help, and sympathy. All of those are things I was trying to do and Heather's book helped just as much as feedback from my better half and observing flare-ups etc.
Eating for IBS in my option would be a great way to start the conversations again with your husband. A refresher course of sorts maybe…If he feels frustrated with canceled plans, overtime, or eating oats and blueberries for breakfast with you perhaps reiterating how frustrating it is for you to him would help.
I can only speak form my limited perspective, when my s/o's IBS flares up I know it frustrates her to no end and its painful as all hell at times. I have go into pamper mode. No matter how much it may suck for us as a pair, it sucks for her worse. By me taking care of canceling plans if needed, hand off play, movies, or ball tickets to friends, make some hot tea, pick up a handful of movies on the way home, and rethink what is in the fridge and in the pantry to make sure we can make her something to help.
Perspective for me is what helped. When I change my perspective to hers IBS is easy to live with as a s/o.
Him knowing the facts again may help, and maybe you'll find things to help you in the book.
IBS for Mike = I get to cook more, there is some unscheduled quality time on the couch with the s/o.
-Mike
*edit* Since I did not sign the post...and I spell like a 3rd grader
Edited by MikeC (07/03/03 08:03 AM)
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Hi there!
I'm SO SORRY you're suffering...
To answer your question about books to help--get Heather's books straightaway! Eating for IBS and The First Year IBS are the titles of the books.
Go to the hypnotherapy board! Michael Mahoney, the man responsible for the hypno tapes (it's his voice you hear on the tapes), is WONDERFUL! He has a tape about IBS that explains it for family members and friends to get a deeper understanding--this really helped my husband to get a better grip on what I was dealing with so he was better able to support me! The hypno tapes are also truly amazing! Shawn Eric is the board moderator and he's VERY informative and willing to help in any way he can!
It's very difficult for people to understand things--really UNDERSTAND--unless they've experienced it themselves. I think it's wonderful that your husband is so concerned and caring and that he wants to see you happy and active again! It doesn't sound to me like he wants to give up or can't take it--he just wants you to heal! My hubby is the same way--he just hates seeing me struggle in pain!
I hope you'll keep posting! You may consider having your hubby check out this board if he wants to know more--it's quite informative and friendly!
Maybe you don't feel like going out...but maybe you can have a "special event" at home--make him a special, safe dinner and rent a favorite video! (If you're feeling up to it).
I hope you feel better soon! Keep posting!
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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It has taken my husband sometime to get use to my diet. I do most of the cooking, so either he eats it or goes hungry. I was diagnose alittle over a year ago and he still gets frusuated with me and the frusuation is more from he doesn't know how to help me.
Give your spouse some time and be patient. Use the board as much as you need to for help and advice. Also don't feel bad when you need to unload! 
Barbara
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My boyfriend is very understanding, but I know he will never completely understand unless it happened to him. Unfortunately, he can understand more about the not feeling well and cancelling plans, becaue he has some non-IBS medical issues of his own that put us in the same situation sometimes.
Heather's books not only helped him understand better, but they helped me understand better as well. I also have Mike's hypno tapes which helped me with anxiety & they came with a companion CD that is used to explain IBS to friends/family of the person with IBS. Another thing I found that helped was IBS explained for people who don't have IBS .
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I agree with Mags, the companion CD that comes with the IBS audio program is fantastic. In fact, I just about cried when I listened to it myself as I couldn't believe how accurately it described what I was feeling.
My husband too, is so supportive but I know there have been times when he has been really frustrated with it too. He wants to "fix it" also and I think that is just a male thing.
The hypno program really helps with anxiety and I find I am much better with that now and don't worry about it all nearly as much.
Good luck
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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