Does anyone else have a family member who is a trigger for your IBS?
#11770 - 06/16/03 08:54 AM
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Nugget
Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 2167
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I hate to complain about my mom, but I know she is a trigger for my IBS. She means well and I know she loves me. She and I get along and enjoy doing things together. There is a tendency, however, to make me feel extremely guilty for not taking part in family get-togethers, holidays, etc. I feel guilty when my husband and I are invited to my parents house for dinner on special occasions and we can't make it because we've got other plans. You see, my husband's family and my family and us all live in the same town. We have to either divide our time up between the two families or include both together. Both families get along great. But, it's makes it hard to try and make sure nobody's feelings get hurt that we didn't spend time with them. You know what I mean?
Let me give you an idea what it's like......this past weekend was Father's Day and I have told my mom all along that we would plan on getting together with her and dad on the 21st because we were going to have company this past weekend on my husband's side of the family and his mom had already made plans for us to be with her and the company. Well, the company didn't make it and I told my mom that since we didn't know whether my dad would be in town or not we go with our original plan to spend the day with my husband's mom and spend next weekend with my parents. Fine? Evidently not. She once again invited us to dinner at their house and when I politely said "Thank you but we already have plans.", she said sarcastically "I know, I just thought I'd ask again!" and then abruptly ended the conversation. Needless to say, I felt extremely guilty. It's that way all the time. I feel like I constantly disappoint her. I know I've also disappointed her by not being able to have kids. Just her tone of voice when she reacts to things I tell her, makes me feel like a disappointment. My stomach gets in knots every time I have to tell her we aren't going to be able to do something she wants us to. Does this make sense to anyone. Sorry for rambling.
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It is hard dividing time up between two families. Your mom doesn't seem to understand that, obviously! Have you tried telling your mom how she makes you feel? I know sometimes when I talk to my mom about "touchy" things she gets me all upset and frustrated and things don't come out right. I found that writing her a carefully thought out letter and placing it inside a "mom, I love you" kinda card seems to work. Maybe she doesn't really understand how much she is hurting and upsetting you. Especially about the childern issue. I know how hard it can be to get parents to see our side of things sometimes. I'm not sure if this helps any, but I do understand and yes it makes sense!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thank you! I've thought about talking with her about it, but am afraid it would only make things worse....I could be wrong, though.
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I think you would be suprised if you explain it right! I think the key is to make sure you word it right so she doesn't feel she is being accused or attacked. Not that you would do that on purpose, thats why I suggested the letter and card. You can word it just right instead of blurting out things in the heat of a discussion. With my mom, I try to say things like, I'm sure I'm being overly sensative but it really hurts when.....Or, start off by saying how much you enjoy spending time and holidays with her, maybe bring up a funny family story or tradition then say how its hard for you to miss some of these things but its not fair to make you husband miss all his family gatherings. Maybe invite both moms to lunch a couple times a year to discuss holiday arrangements. Try alternating holidays and years, we will spend this turkey day at there house and the weekend at yours, and next year the other way around. That seems to work well with my family.
I hope I haven't over stepped the bounds of advice, I just have a lot of the same issues so I can relate. Good Luck
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thank you Michelle....
We have tried the alternating holidays each year...but my mom still says "I know you are going to spend it with (husband's family) but I just thought I'd ask." We've also tried having Christmas, for example, with both families at one location and my mom will still say "Well, maybe the weekend after Christmas we could get together with you and (husband) at our house. That is so draining because it drags the holidays on forever. She can't just be happy that we got together on Christmas or Thanksgiving, etc. She always has to have it at her house.
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My mother just left from a weekend visit. Let me just say, I know how you feel!!!!!!!!!! It would be easier if she was outright rude, but whenever she's with us or vice versa, she insists on pulling the whole martyr/guilt routine. Makes me CRAZY. I feel like the only woman in the world who could easily imagine her mother-in-law coming to live with her but the thought of my own mother, God help me!!!!!!!!!!!!  Hugs to you and the only remedy I've found is to refuse to internalize all that stuff, I've been doing that for 30 years, now I just breathe and go get on the phone with someone who will understand/keep it private, or vent about it to my husband, until they've helped correct my perspective. Because I've tried talking to her and it really, honestly does no good. Good luck!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Some parents have a REALLY hard time letting go of their children. They raised us...they gave to us day and night unconditionally! It's hard for them to let go. I'm not saying it justifies their clingy/controlling behavior...it might explain it though.
Some folks in my family think they know what's best for me--and they give me their opinions freely. I try to remember where they're coming from. They just want me to be happy...AND they want to feel like they're stil a part of my life, a BIG part. It's tough for them to let go. Are you the oldest child in your fam? I am...and I feel this also factors in.
I hope this helps a little! I wish you luck in whatever you decide--have confidence in yoursrelf and your decisions and don't let other's opinions get you down!
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thank you Ruchie....I value your suggestions and opinion.
I am the youngest of two. My brother is 4 years older than I. I also feel that nobody thought I'd do much with my life because I was so painfully shy. But I outgrew that and am happily married, went to college, have a good job, house, etc. I think my mom is a little jealous of me for my brother because she thought he'd be married by now with a family, etc. But he isn't and doesn't enjoy his job...he goes to my parents house whenever she asks basically. He can because be doesn't have a life of his own really. He is almost 40. I love my brother, but I feel I take a lot of the flack from my mom for things she wishes he would have accomplished by now and she is jealous that I have and he hasn't.
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I, too, feel like I am closer to and more at ease with my mother-in-law at times. I feel terrible for that, but that's the way it is. Sometimes I feel that my mom just tries too hard. All I wish for is her friendship without being so pushy, etc. It's almost like she is trying to compete with my mother-in-law sometimes.
Thanks for listening and sharing your experiences.
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Nugget - forgive me if I am being too intrusive. You shouldn't let your Mother get to you like that. She simply HAS to understand that you can't devote all your "holiday" time to just your family. Since you live in the same hometown - I can relate. Both sets of parents live in our town too. What we do is split up our time. IE - Saturday we spent all "fathers day" with my hubby's family and Sunday we spent all day with my family. OR on things like Christmas, we have lunch at one place and supper at the other. We try to negotiate with both Moms which is best, and then go that route. Since your Mom insists on having it at her place, then perhaps suggesting that you split your time - that way both sides of the family get some time.
Don't you just hate the guilt tripping that Moms can do? It makes me crazy sometimes. Don't fall for it. Just firmly say you're doing the best you can and you're sorry, but everybody needs to compromise a bit to make it work. As for the children thing - you have no reason to feel guilty. Was it in your wedding vows that "thou shalt produce a grandchild for thy mother"? NO! That's selfish of her to expect that. She should be content with your being happy. If she isn't it's her problem - NOT yours. As for your brother - I'm with you there too, sweetie. Both my hubby and I have younger brothers who are single, and fancy free. No house, no wife. It's not your fault. Your brother is choosing to live his life the way he wants - HEAVEN forbid if it isn't the same as what your Mother envisioned. TOUGH. That's her problem, too.
I always found before we had kids that since the brothers were single, it put even more pressure on us to have kids. We literally got home from the honeymoon and my Hubby's Mom said to hurry up with the grandkids because SHE wanted them while SHE was still younger. @#%#^?
How's that for putting it bluntly?
You can't control what your Mother thinks or says. You can control how you react to it. Take care of your health and IBS. Don't let this silliness get to you. How's that saying ... don't sweat the small stuff?
Hugs.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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It's a big group of great people and loyal friends. But every time we get together and there's a meal involved, they always want to go to the same restaurants (the ones that always make me sick). I haven't told them about my special crybaby bowels, so they don't know why I always suggest a Thai place, or a sushi place, or something like that. But I am almost always vetoed. I really don't want to broadcast my stomach issues, but I feel weird making some lame excuse about having to get home early, or ordering almost no food at all once we get there. But why do they always have to go to those pub-type burger places?
Do I really have to tell all of them that I have IBS?
sperry_twiggins
Edited by sperry_twiggins (06/16/03 03:29 PM)
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Nugget, your Mom is unfair. There is no need to feel guilty about not having children or whatever it is she wants to challenge you with. Your Mom, unfortunately, has decided that she wants to set a standard that is not applicable in todays world. Does your Mom know what is required of the young people of today? Her times are easy compared to what you have been thru. DO NOT feel guilt for what you do with your life. You are an individual. It is your life and your partners. I say this with 41 years behind me. I can tell you this,LIFE IS ABOUT BEING HAPPY, and if people around you can not deal with that, then that is their problem. Remember, HAPPINESS is the key. Lots of love. 
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I found it extremely helpful to tell my friends. That way, I can be blunt and honest with them and still end up enjoying the rest of the evening. They were kind and sympathetic and had no idea. It's not really broadcasting it if they're really your friends. Remember, friends care about each other. They might surprise you. You could say that you're embarrassed to say this but you have food and digestion issues and you have to be careful with what you eat. If they ask for details and you're comfortable, then you could explain IBS.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thanks Han Solo,
I know you're right. I guess it's a pride thing. I don't want anyone to know I'm not "perfect." Although they probably already think I'm a pain in the butt because I'm such a "finicky" eater. I will try to overcome my pride and tell them. Thanks for the support.
xxoo,
sperry_twiggins
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Nugget, I know exactly what you're talking about. My mom is the same way (maybe worse). I went through a divorce a couple years ago and my parents were there to support me, help me watch my kids and help in other ways. Well, I am getting remarried this year. My ex-husband's parents were deceased and his other family members lived in other states and he didn't keep in close contact with them so we spent almost every holiday with my family. Now, my fiance's family live out of town and his 7 year old daughter lives 11 hours away from us. He is extremely close to his family (all of whom I love also). Anyway, he hasn't seen his daughter in several months so we planned a vacation to Florida (where his mom lives) with my two kids and his daughter over the 4th of July. We needed to work around his work schedule, his daughter's camp schedule, etc. and found this to be the perfect time. Well, my mother had a fit. She said she was extremely hurt that we planned this vacation then when we know she always has a big 4th of July picnic (which only includes my family, my sister's family and my aunt). She said she has watched my kids, been there through my divorce and I do this to her! I explained the scheduling issues, etc. and she said "Fine, go spend the holiday with HIS family!" and then hung up on me. Never mind that we spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Mother's Day and Father's Day with them. For some reason she is extremely jealous of in-laws. She does the same thing with my sister. Now I'm dealing with her and my ex-husband is taking custody of my 13 year old son next month (by bribing him with dirt bikes, dogs, etc). No wonder I'm have some serious IBS problems lately!!!! Oh well, no matter what, at least I've got a great daughter and fiance to help me through. Good luck to you.
Edited by dlt647 (06/17/03 10:45 AM)
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Hang in there. It will likely be a relief to get it out in the open. Almost EVERYONE I have told about IBS has said "oh, so and so has that, too". People are becoming more aware. 20% of the population has this - so it's nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't ask for it. Think of it as your one and only imperfection (we all have a few, right?) and be proud it's not something you caused - it's just something you have to deal with. None of us are perfect, sweetie. Time to let your friends support you.
Oh, and at the pub type places, ask for a plain grilled chicken breast one a plain white toasted bun (no butter or mayo) and whatever you want on the side (ie a baked potato, steamed veggies,). I always go for the chicken - it's usually a safe option. 
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I have a couple of friends who know but don't get it. One of them even works with a friend of her family who has suffered for years from the same problem. She still doesn't understand that I don't like to go out to eat and I don't like to go to bars. She gives me attitude when I try to explain it to her, but she doesn't understand. Everyone else is pretty undertanding. I guess I'll have to keep working on her.
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Laurie 
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission - Eleanor Roosevelt
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All my family members that I know of (I don't know them all since my family is not civil to each other and loving) are triggers for me. My family is really disfunctional sadly. It makes me sick.
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Thanks - that's a good idea to order it plain. Usually the chicken dishes are coated or swimming in something that really sets me off. I'll remember your advice next time. Both 'advices.'
Thanks so much!
sperry_twiggins
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My whole family is a trigger! My parents are divorced and I live with my dad when I'm not at college. He means well, I know he does, but boy can he trigger an attack! My advice to you is to act calmy around them and just let whatever they say roll off your back. If you don't show much of an interest people tend to stop harassing you. I know it's easier said than done, but once you realize that the attacks are merely based off of your reaction to what they have done, then it becomes easier to control. Good luck!
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I'm not sure that is the answer, act like you don't have an interest in what one is saying around you. When I was little, I learned how to shut off being mad. When I got mad, it was only for a split second and then nothing....I'd feel nothing. I believe that I have done myself more harm than good. I have had this IBS since I could learn to shut off emotions.
I realize that putting up with someone's else's emotions is a great strain on those of us who have IBS. But if you have people around you who have a way of calmly discuss things around you, you would be better off than just letting it roll off your back and going on. Because sooner or later, you are going to have to deal with it one way or the other.
We are sensitive people, and a lot of people don't understand why we let things get to us. It maybe something minor to them, but it isn't to us. Congratulate yourself if you do have someone who will talk with you. It's the best medicine.
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EVER THOUGHT WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING, WHAT YESTERDAY HAS BROUGHT AND WHAT TODAY HAS GIVEN YOU?
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Thanks for you guys being out there!!! It is mainly my husbands family who appear to have a hard time accepting my situation and sometimes even my husband. My quilting friends however all have a healthy understanding. There are many events and activities that I have not been able to attend. I also have Fibromyalgia - which until recently has been the biggest obstacle. Lately, my IBS has held top spot.
The end result is that the tension & stress that occurs often sets up the vicious circle. As knowledgable as I think I am - I do not handle strees very well!!!!!!!
Can anyone guide me on ways to help handle STRESS. Any advice will be helpful.
Sherry Lynne
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All of my friends, family members, and coworkers know I have IBS. In fact, so do my husbands friends, my in-laws, and various other people. I'm one of those people who has never been too embarrassed to discuss bodily functions, even before I was diagnosed. I find that when I do discuss it, people tend to open up more about their own issues. I gave my in-laws the lists of good and bad foods from Heather's book, so she knows what to cook for me when I go over there. When people know, it makes things sooo much easier and it is a big relief to know I don't have to hide anything.
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Stress is a big factor for me, too. I tend to keep things in until it becomes too much to handle and I "explode". Although I don't do it as often as I should, Yoga helps alot with stress. I have video tapes that I do yoga to at home. Also brisk walking helps. I read once that exercise helps to release a chemical in the brain called Seretonin(sp?) which in turn helps reduce stress and depression.
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Thanks for reminding me that the attacks are a product of how I react to different things. It helps to keep that in mind. It also helps to know there are others who go through the same thing. {{{{hugs}}}}}
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I, too find it easier when others know what I am going through. They can't cook the "right" things and such if they don't know what's going on.
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