I Cried Yet Again.....
#10001 - 05/26/03 05:36 PM
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Well today I cried for probaly the third time in my life. My dad was giving me the "You gotta start eating other foods" speech again and basically told me that if i dont gain some major weight, hes gonna be terribly dissapointed in me. All this pressure was just bottling inside me, but i was able to hold it back until my mom announced that she was making hot dogs and hamburgers for dinner. I told her that I didnt want to eat eathier and then she sided with my dad and goes "I dont know what you eat anymore, angela,your diet is SO limited" I then felt the tears coming and I just bolted for my room, locked the door and grabbed my bible. Luckily through faith I was able to calm down and find some comfort. Anyway, my mom came to ask me what i wanted for dinner and saw that i was upset. She then went upstairs and made me some fish. At dinner, i found the fish that she made was flooded with butter and garlic. I cringed and dug into my potato. My dad kept on insisting that i should put butter on it, but i refused. THe looks they gave me while i slowly ate were too frightening to explain. I felt like some freak on a side show while the audience stared and watched me chew. My mom then asked me if i was okay, and i told her that Ive been having daily D attacks since friday and now shes convinced i have crohns. I dunno... its a possibility, i just dont know. I sure I hope I find out whats going on with me once and for all!
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-Angela
Healed in Jesus' Name 
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Angela - I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish there were something, ANYTHING, I could do for you, but I am at a complete loss. I thought you and your mom were getting along better and she was starting to understand more? Well, at least only 3 more days to the appt. I can't wait! Please let us know as soon as you're done. I can't wait to hear what happens. I'll be thinking of you. 
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now i'm new around the board so i don't know your background.. so bare with me ...
but when will others learn that stress is the worst thing a syndrome like this needs.. so they are simply making you worse by making you feel this way.. I'm sorry you are in that situation, but sometimes people just have a hard time dealing with something that they themselves aren't going through.
I wish people would learn that sometimes it's better to not talk but to listen.. maybe they'd learn that hotdogs and hamburgers aren't a "good" idea for anybody really IBS or not.
Luckily there is a place like these forums where you can get advise that truely understand what you are going through.
For me Heather's book was the best tool I've ever had, finally after suffering from the "unknown" since I was about 8 years old.. I know have something to go with.. and also I can hand the book to others and let them read what I go through with every meal, and the reaction is more of amazement than anything else.
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trying to equal the IBS ratio- one man at a time
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I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. Please let us know what happens at the doctor, maybe he/she will be able to help you out. Have you tried explaining to your mom/dad that you have stomach problems?
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I've never spoken with you before but I had to respond... I know how hard it is to get family to truly understand this illness. Its so frustrating because they're only trying to be helpful but they don't "get" how painful it can be for us. Even the good days are often times uncomfortable.
From the way you explained it they do seem very caring. Have either of them spoken with your doctors with you to try to better understand the illness? Maybe you could print up some articles about how important it is to not eat foods that are triggers.
I hope you get some answers at your appt. Good Luck....
Cora
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Hi Concrete Angel
I am so sorry that your family doesn't understand. Like coragrace03 mentioned that printing some articles up on it sounds like a great idea, maybe they will understand.
I will be praying for you and your parents that God will give you strength to go through this.
Georgette
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Angela,
I feel for you so much, it must be so hard for you to deal with even without support. I don't really know how best to advise you to deal with your parents, I'm 28 and I still get wound up by my mum trying to tell me what to do and how to do it! At least she is a bit more understanding about food, although at the weekend BBQ I was made a real pariah by being asked in front of everyone "is it ok if I put butter on the potatoes or do we have to do without?" !!
At least you know we are all here rooting for you, and if you get a sympathetic doctor for your tests who understands the diet, perhaps you could ask them to tell your parents that you MUST eat this way.
And failing that, in a few years you'll be able to feed yourself - there is always hope in the future
Much love
Sarah 
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Sarah
Looking for inspiration...
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Poor Angel!!!
It's so sad for you (though I know you've got the strength, the wits and the sense of humour to sort this out, I'm 100% sure) but in some ways your situation is incredibly ironic - there are so many people at least here in Europe who worry endlessly about their children eating TOO MUCH junk food ('come on, can't you have some wholemeal bread and fruit instead of these terrible hamburgers all the time'), and there's your parents worrying that you DON't eat them! Can't you trick them into a course on healthy eating (give it to them as a birthday present or so??). The last thing you need is having to battle about a bit of butter on your potato!
Good luck for your appointment!
Susaloh
Edited by susaloh (05/27/03 01:00 AM)
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Hey everybody, I just wanted to take a minute and thank you all for all your wonderful support, it really means alot to me! Mags, yes, i thought that my mom was beginning to understand too, but I guess that went down the drain.
Susaloh- Ive tried to trick my dad into a diet plan, and he actually did well for a while there, but then bounced right back to junk food and mcdonalds heaven! I feel so lost sometimes but I know that everything will be alright. Thank You guys again! My only situation now is dinner tonight-Baked Macaroni and Cheese!!!!  Lets hope for the best...
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-Angela
Healed in Jesus' Name
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You poor thing! Oh, you are such a sweetie and it's terrible to hear of the problems you are encountering. It is clear that your parents are confusing 2 problems here. They are worried about your weight - and that's all they can see. Perhaps they are finding it difficult to come to the realisation that it's the type of food that is causing the issue - not the amount of food that is the problem. Maybe I"m taking a stab in the dark here, but could you try to explain that you could increase your intake if it was the right kind of food that didn't make you sick? Maybe then they see a solution to the problem they see (ie not eating) and you get the benefit of eating food that suits you???
Anyway, I hope you'll be ok... let us know...
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I'm writing to you again as I thought of perhaps another way around this (I hope). Is there someone who you can talk to (ie a guidance officer/teacher at school, an adult etc) who would be skilled and supportive to actually sit down with you and your parents to discuss the issue. You parents want their concerns put to rest about their fears about you not eating - and you want to be able to eat - but eat the right foods. Perhaps with having someone play mediator, you could talk openly and have a third party somewhat 'guide' you all to a positive solution..
can't tell I'm a teacher eh? hehehe
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I never thought about it until your post...but maybe I'm a bit lucky. EVERYONE in this family needs to avoid high fat food, either for weight reasons (2 of my kids) or IBS reasons (me), or diabetic reasons (my husband). So when I announced we were switching to a low fat diet, no one complained...not much anyway. 
We still go out to eat, but certain places are now 100% offlimits, like KFC or any place where the vast majority of foods are fried.
Hang in there! I will keep you in my prayers.
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"A waist is a terrible thing to mind".
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Hang in there Angela!! Two more days! Will either of your parents be with you? If not will your mom come with you if you ask?
Barbara
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Angela, I don't think I can really come up with any other tips besides those already given. I would definately print out some information (maybe from the Internet and/or Heather's books) and really try to have a heart to heart with your parents. Cyring really helps. Once you get into how IBS makes you feel (unconfident, scared, helpless, alone,not to mention the actual physical pain) maybe they can understand a little better. I find that it's really difficult for people to know where I'm coming from because my "disease" is not terminal and you can't see evidence of it on my body. People don't "know" the pain we are in when an attack occurs. My boyfriend will lie beside me holding my hand so I can squeeze when the contractions hit. He'll put the heating pad on me and get me water. He hates it that I'm hurting and I think if you can really drill it into your parent's heads what's happening they'll hate that you're hurting. Tell them how much the support of the boards helps you and how great it would be if you had some support at home. I'm not sure how old you are (it sounds like you're pretty young) but can you buy some of your own "safe" foods? OR - the most drastic - move out. Let them know how much stress affects you and how great it would be if they could help you. Another thought - can you see any type of counselor (school or private)? I have my MA in Guidance Counseling and I can't tell you how important it is to talk to someone who's paid to listen. Good luck and keep posting. We're always here for you.
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I hope you don't have Crohn's, but if you do, I hope your mom doesn't think you won't have to modify your diet. Before I was diagnosed with IBS, I still was told to modify my diet for my Crohn's. It's not as restrictive, but you are encouraged to eat a low fat healthy diet. I was also told to cut out red meat, caffeine and watch my dairy intake. Fortunately for me, my Crohn's is a mild case and I am able to so far keep it under control with one medication. Even though IBS isn't considered a "disease," I find it much more difficult to manage. To tell you the truth, I've been having a lot more difficulty lately, and I was actually hoping it was my Crohn's. I know that sounds bad, but I also know there are other medications my doctor can give me for that, and there's nothing he can give me that's going to put my IBS in remission. But it's "just" my IBS, so I have to try and do my best to manage it. I'm sorry you don't have the support of your family right now and that you aren't in a position to make some choices on your own. I know you said you mom is also going through testing, so I hope for her benefit as well as yours she gets a little more education on these matters. Hope you feel better soon!
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yes, i have tried telling my parents that if i eat a huge fatty meal, yes i'll gain weight, but then i will get a bad attack aand just lose it again and that i can eat alot just out of good food... they didnt really understand. I guess its hard to understand when youre not having the pain yourself.
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-Angela
Healed in Jesus' Name
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Barbara- yes both of my parents are coming with me... Lets hope for the best!
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-Angela
Healed in Jesus' Name
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Angela,
You're right! I think it's terribly hard for others to understand the debilitating effect and the amount of pain that IBS can cause. I even get people saying "are you better now"? as if it's something that will just go away.
On one hand it's annoying because you think that if they really cared they'd make an effort to understand, but on the other hand when I think back to my pre-IBS days I realise that I never really gave good digestion a second thought and would have found it difficult to imagine the daily struggle that is IBS.
Having said that though, I do believe that if someone really cares for you they should make the extra effort to try to understand. I think the fact that both your parents are going with you is a good thing and shows that they do care. It looks like it may take a lot of time and persistence but I'm hoping that eventually they'll come around for you.
One thing that helped my husband to really understand was the companion CD that comes with the IBS Audio Program. I think you can buy it separately as well. It is designed specifically for family and friends to listen to, to help them understand what you're going through.
One thing I've realised too is that this IBS is hard on my husband and son as well as being hard on me. I know my husband feels frustrated that he can't fix it for me or find a way to "cure" me. And although he has never complained once he has had a dramatic change in his life too, different food, cancelled plans, not eating out as much, etc, etc.
I gues I'm lucky that he has accepted it all and supported me so much and I'm sure that in time you parents will come around too.
I'm really thinking of you Angela,
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Kerrie, Thank you so much for your help and support. I know exactly what you mean by people caring and trying to understand. I guess its really hard for them to adjust to me and sometimes I think they want me to be well, so if they ignore my illness and pretend that it doesnt exist, maybe it will just go away. I know deep inside they do care but they sure have a funny way of showing it!!  My dad bought me a pack of gummi worms today and gave them to me while I was having agonizing stomach pains. I was in bad pain and the least thing I wanted to see was food! SO I know he means well, he just really doesnt understand.
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-Angela
Healed in Jesus' Name
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Re: tlc
#10110 - 05/28/03 02:54 AM
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tlc
Reged: 03/06/03
Posts: 207
Loc: Australia
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Hey there,
I know what you mean when you say it's hard for people to understand if they haven't been through it or having the pain yourself. People can try to understand or be sympathetic, but until they have been there and 'walked in our shoes' they can't really comprehend what it does to us. Your Dad does mean well - he just doesn't really know the best way he can be of support for you probably.
I hope you are ok.
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WOW! Everyone gave you tremendous advice Angela!!!
I think your mom has a hard time delaing with her stomach issues--and you are a reminder of them (I know that's how it is with my mom)...so if she can get you to eat "her way" and be okay...she can justify doing it herself.
Your dad really does mean well--he loves you a lot (as my dad does too) but when your kid loses all this weight, especially in our world of anorexia and bulemia (sp?) parents get concerned that you're not eating for other reasons as well.
I think parents have a hard time being open to many things. My mom works for doctors and she thinks she and the doctors know best. Many "old school" doctors don't know beans about IBS, Crohns, Celiac, and many other digestive disorders out there. They know what they were taught years ago...and they stick to it. But new info. comes out all the time! (One of my docs thought I couldn't have IBS because one of my symptoms is constipation--can you believe that one?! He was my gyno though, so not really his area of expertise...).
In any case, I think you're truly special for not judging your parents negatively! It's hard! I feel my mom is in denial and my dad is just clueless. I know they want what's best for me--but as we grow up--we begin to realize that sometimes they know best and sometimes we know best! I think you're doing AMAZING because you're listening to your parents, judging them favorably, taking them into consideration, and DOING WHAT YOU FEEL/THINK IS BEST FOR YOU! Keep it up--you're doing the right thing here in every direction--and things will work out in your favor in the end!
I can't wait for your doc appointment! I hope that will help--let us know how it goes!
(((((((BIG HUGS))))))))
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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