reality check- advice needed
#91834 - 07/20/04 02:48 PM
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crc
Reged: 03/01/04
Posts: 161
Loc: Maine
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Here is the situation;
Brother in law cheats on wife of seven years. Leaves her a few months later. Tells brother, my husband, not to tell me what he did. Now many months brother in law confesses to wife. Now my husband tells me that he has kept this from me for 7 months, wanted to tell me but did not want to let his brother down. Should I be upset at my husband?????
Thanks for any and all opinions,
Cindy
(who has been reading posts but not posting lately)
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Cindy,
I have been down this road with my husband before. A lot of men are EXCELLENT secret-keepers, which is admirable in general but potentially frustrating in a marriage.
The truth is that you didn't really *need* to know that information, but there's a feeling of betrayal that comes from knowing your husband kept something from you. That's a scary feeling!
In general, I think secrets in a marriage are a bad idea (unless it's a happy surprise or something). If it were me, I would have a conversation with my husband that IN THE FUTURE, he should not make promises to keep information from me, because it hurts the bond/connectedness/openness between us, and I would let it go at that. He probably just didn't think about how it would feel from your point of view.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Christine,
You nailed it on the head about it feeling like a betrayal and that was scary given the fact that someone from his gene pool just did such a skanky thing.
Thanks for the advice.....
Cindy
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Hi Cindy,
Maybe your hubby just wanted to honor his brother's wishes and not tell you.. Unless it really impacted you then I wouldn't be upset about it. There are a lot of problems at my sister's house that I don't tell my husband about because I don't want him to worry.
If that is the only thing worrying you about your marriage then consider yourself lucky!
Barbie
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Your hubby was put in a very awkward, UNFAIR position, and he handled it the only way he thought possible. After all, he didn't break any promise to you, but he WOULD have broken a promise to his bro had he told you. If you were in his shoes, what would you have done? Remember, he made a promise....
Your anger should be directed toward the sneaky BIL, who deserves ALL of it. What a creep! I hope his wife kicks him out of the house forever. It's bad enough that he was unfaithful, but to lie and then bring other family members into his deceitfulness is unforgiveable.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Thanks Bevrs,
I agree with you and told my husband, after I had gotten over my shock and awe, that I did understand why he did not tell me. Also, I would have found it near impossible to not tell the BIL's wife so in a way I am glad I did not know. Anyway, my husband is a good man and I respect his decision. His brother is the one who I am really mad at. I just needed to make sure that I was on the right track for understanding my husbands actions and not being a total walk-over for doing so. Now I feel better after hearing everyone else's opinions. Thanks.
Cindy
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What kind of advice has the SIL received? Has she been to her OB/GYN for testing of communicable diseases? I hate to be an alarmist but if they have kids (or even if they don't) the smart thing would be for her to have the doctor do a look-see and test for anything she may or may not have. It's worth the peace of mind.
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