Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | AmandaPanda.. and any others that want to help with boy problems!

Wow I'm so sorry I wasn't online and didn't get to see this. I went to my brother's house last night to view a video of a movie that is coming out this summer: "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle." My brother's friends from high school wrote the screenplay, and it's coming out July 30. It's hilarious, especially if you liked American Pie and Road Trip and those similar movies. Anyway, so that's where I was, and I just now got online and read this whole thread.
So, sounds like you are really having some trouble! I think the hardest part in these situations is the part that you can't see or put into words ... the part where he is acting like everything is normal but maybe you can feel him slipping away. He can deny it because in his point of view he hasn't done anything overt, but you can feel something go from inside. Matt and I were fighting all last week, and he kept on downplaying it, but at one point I (unknowingly) really hurt him, and I swear I could physically feel something leaving me. We're all patched up now but until I can actually see him and hug him, I don't think I'll be convinced.
I keep asking you about this one episode of the Sopranos from a few weeks ago. Meadow and her boyfriend Finn live together, but they both don't know what they are doing in the next year. Finn starts having problems at work (a job that the Sopranos got for him), feeling threatened and scared. So he comes home from work and is thinking about moving home to California, and he takes out his suitcase. Meadow comes home and sees it and they have this huge fight. Finn keeps saying, "but I was only thinking about it; just thinking out loud." And Meadow is freaking out, crying and screaming, "But you took out your suitcase! the suitcase! the suitcase!" I think she yelled, "The suitcase!" about 83 times in 4 minutes. The point is, he was considering a huge move that would affect their relationship, and he was considering it so seriously that he even took out the suitcase, and Meadow didn't even get consulted. In fact, he never even thought about how it would affect Meadow and the relationship. In the end he gets frustrated and says "Maybe we should just get married," and that's how they get engaged. Everyone in the family is a little uneasy about it, because it seems like they just got engaged out of desperation and fear that the relationship would fall apart. Like a couple of people on this thread have said, a ring is no guarantee (although I too fantasize that my cross-Atlantic relationship would be easier if we were engaged).
Well I think everyone here is being really honest with you, which is valuable. Chinagirl is right to be a little negative and skeptical. From the outside, where we are standing, it really seems like Vinnie is not at a place in his life where he is ready to put your relationship ahead of everything. You, on the other hand, seem to think that you are ready to make the relationship your first priority. This probably isn't about Vinnie losing any love for you or anything like that. He really is just taking a page right out of the Guy Manual, and putting his career and ambitions before just about everything, which is really what they are taught by their peers and sometimes their parents. Bevrs really addressed something important too, about your (new) fear of giving everything. Sister, I can certainly identify with that. Before Matt and I were "officially" together (whatever that means) I was still kissing boys at bars and things like that. I have tried to explain to Matt six different ways that as young women right now, we are constantly told not to subjugate ourselves, not to give more than anyone is asking us to give. Matt never ASKED me to make a committment to him at that time. I was dying for him to ask; I wanted to give him everything. But since he wouldn't ask, I wouldn't let myself be committed to him. He, on the other hand, wanted me to CHOOSE to be with only him, without having to be asked. We were speaking two totally different languages. I talked to his older, very wise sister the other day, and I explained that everyone is always telling us to protect ourselves and not give out more than anyone is asking us for. And she says, "WHO IS TELLING YOU THAT?" I really think that something changed the years we were in high school and college, and this new message of strength and feminism and independence forced us to put up walls, and discouraged us from giving in to our natual femenine impulse of caring and giving everything. Bevrs survived the worst-case scenario and doesn't regret giving her whole heart to Gary. So, maybe we should listen to our slightly older sisters and stop worrying about protecting ourselves all the time.
(I am realizing this is the most circuitous letter I've ever written; I'm sorry.)
Last summer, Matt told me he loved me (for the first time) and in the same week told me he was definitely moving to London. We shed a LOT of tears trying to figure out what we should do. In the end, we both realized that no matter what the obstacles were, we definitely had to try to make the relationship work. What drove me crazy for the longest time was that he CHOSE to go to London. He begged for it at work. It's not like he just got sent over there (My dad yelled, "It's not like he's in the military!). I was hurt and couldn't understand why he (I felt) abandoned me, until he finally had the courage to tell me that by doing what was best for his career, he was trying to build a life for BOTH of us. He was sacrificing for the future he already saw for us, when I was still worrying about whether I should refer to him as my "boyfriend" or not. So, sometimes boys have a lot more in their heads than they are telling us. I am now starting to believe him when he says that every choice he makes, every minute he spends at work, everything he does, is to make himself the kind of man who I deserve to be with. So, if you give Vinne a little space and a little sugar, maybe he'll want to reveal those kinds of things to you. Maybe he really has a legitimate reason for thinking that this geographical separation / housing split is somehow going to benefit both of you. Just give him the room to show you if he is thinking about the future in ways he hasn't yet expressed to you, or if, alternatively, he really is pulling away and is not ready to be serious. The point is, you can't jump to either conclusion, and you can't force it out of him. The summer is going to be hard and you are probably going to be depressed. But you two will also have to rely on the phone and email a lot, and your communication skills will probably improve a lot, since he won't be able to just grunt when he sees you in the kitchen. Know what I mean?
Ok if this letter made any sense at all, I hope it helped. I'll be tied to my desk all day, so I definitely won't be absent from the boards today (unless I am in the bathroom ... my tummy hates me this week).
((((HUGS))))))

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Amanda

I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin

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