Ashley
#73192 - 05/25/04 09:34 AM
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StephS
Reged: 09/11/03
Posts: 2123
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Ok, this is such a long thread that I havent' been able to read all of them....but I have the main point of what's going on.
I think that you need to give him some space. I had a lot of boyfriend troubles when I was dating my now hubby. We broke up a few times....and being apart is hard...but it does make you love each other more. It was hard being appart. But after time things worked out.
Your boyfriend is probably feeling bad and just is to "Man" to show it. That's what my boyfriend did. I would really try to make things better between the two of you before you leave for the summer.
Try to be supportive of him....even thought its hard. He might be feeling traped....that's how my boyfriend felt. Once I gave him some space he was fine...and missed me.
I think its going to take time for him to calm down. I hope you can put your feelings aside and spend some time with each other before you leave for the summer.
Good luck. I know just how you feel. Its a desperate feeling...just give him some time and space. Things will work out.
Take care!
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Kandee
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I'm just so sorry you are dealing with this. All I can say about your mom is that I'm sure she'd rather be wrong and have you happy, than be right and have you upset. But, I can totally understand being hesitant to talk to her.
You are just going to have to do my least favorite thing and be patient. It's not easy, and it might not pay off, but it's the only way. You really are going to have to put yourself on the line here and be willing to get hurt. Or, get out now and attempt to avoid getting hurt -- but we both know that would be just as upsetting. Just keep talking to us, and try not to be loud/angry/crazy/crying with Vinnie. When Matt made the decision to move to London, I realized he was definitely going, and I could make sure I was remembered as supportive but a little sad, or the crazy girl he used to date. Just be true to yourself and follow your gut (hey, it's good for something!) and you will eventually figure out where you two are and how you are supposed to fit together.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Hey there...
First off, a big internet hug to you. This situation sucks, and I'm really sorry. To tell you the truth, and I know I'm alone here, I don't really believe that women are more emotional than men. I think society lets us express our emotions more easily, and so we learn how to do it better. I think men have all the same emotions, but keep them surpressed, or pretend they're something else, or refuse to talk about them because they don't know how (Obviously this is not true for all men).
This, I think, might be part of your problem. In this case I would make myself very very busy doing other things with friends, and planning your life at your new school, and generally trying to ignore your misery the best you can. Either he'll realize he's being a jerk (and with a paper on an extension hanging over his head, he could be stressed out and taking it out on you easily), or he won't. Either way, sitting around being miserable and sad wouldn't get you anywhere.
To tell you the truth, Eric and I lived several thousand miles apart at different times. I went to England for a year by myself and saw him for three weeks at Christmas... I had to move down to Texas for five months before he found a job etc. So I understand wanting to do things on your own before you get married (for real, since living together is close).
When I got to England I missed him terribly, but I wouldn't have wanted him there. It was just something I needed to do by myself to be a grown-up. I was really happy to come home to him though!!
So if it turns out not to be stress, but what he really wants, then I agree with Bev... you need to do this for him because you love him.
Anyway, that's all just my 2 cents. And I'm no Dr. Phil!!!
I'll be thinking about you.
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I know I am really trying to be happy etc, but its tearing me up inside. I just talked to my mom and she was really great about it. Which always makes me feel better.
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I realize what you are saying. But its three years, which is an incredibly long time to live only 17 miles apart. I dunno though. We've been apart before. The past few summers I've left to work on marthas vineyard, and live with five of my girlfriends. So we've been apart before, and I totally understand about happy to see him, but glad that its just me and my girls.
i'm gonna just try to keep busy and try to just let him figure out whatever he's trying to figure out. If he realizes he's an idiot and is being a jerk, than great. but if doesn't I guess its better that I find that out now rather than later.
thanks for the support!
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Re: update
#73324 - 05/25/04 01:25 PM
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JuLee
Reged: 03/23/04
Posts: 144
Loc: Flushing Queens NYC
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Hey Ashley,
I know its hard not to be living together, but why not try and make the best of this. Instead of seeing it as the end of his commitment, why not just take it as a renewal 
Like going out on dates, and taking mini weekends together. Maybe its harder to see the big picture when you are in it, but sweetie, its only 17 miles. At night after school, you can pop over to his place whenever you want and he can do the same.
Take it from someone who has also lived with the man she loves and he had to move away too. At least you have the seeing each other more than once or twice a week option. Really it is not as bad as it seems....its all a matter of getting accustomed to change.
Talk it out with him....maybe instead of attacking him with WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?!?! you can come at him with..."ok, so you are moving away, how are we going to work out our time together"
The more you fight him on this the easier it is for him to leave....i dont mean that to sound mean, but i've learned that the more you fight and yell the faster they run.
So go in there with a positive 'lets fix this' attitude and i think you'll see you guys will make some headway.
And to be totally honest, i'm sure you'll find that as the time goes on he'll end up spending more nights and more nights at your place to the point where he just might come back and say it was easier when you were living together.
Guys are notorious for not listening to our reasoning and they automatically throw it to the "you're being irrational" pile because we never present it in a manner they like.
Don't see this as a relationship downgrade, just a change of venue. An extra apartment to stay in
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Ashley, you sound so much better in this post. What you said your going to do now is just what you should do.
It is better to find out where you both stand now and wait to see if he approaches you on the subject.
Hope you take me up on my idea and get out for awhile. It will clear your head and make you feel better although you sound like you're doing much better now.
As you can see from all the posts, we all care about you even if we don't say what you want to hear sometimes. We can only go by life experiences but usually that's the best kind of help you can get. Just like we all share IBS and can help each other out with that.
Good Luck Hon,
Pat
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julee
#73388 - 05/25/04 03:50 PM
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thank you so much.. your words are really inspirational!! I seriously was touched by your letter. I am starting to see it that way, and you made it really clear why.
Are you in the same situation as I soon will be in?
I'm starting to think it may be fun to decorate my place all girly and make it my own..
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Re: julee
#73428 - 05/25/04 06:03 PM
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JuLee
Reged: 03/23/04
Posts: 144
Loc: Flushing Queens NYC
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kinda sorta in the same situation.....but not really 
my boyfriend is from Scotland. he came over and we were living with each other for a while and due to visa restrictions he had to leave. he now can't return for a long time.
i've made the best of it...ya know doing the things i liked to do before he moved in...stuff i really can only do on my own....don't ask me why but guys can't understand why you want to spend 2 hours in front of a magnifying mirror sculpting your eyebrows and cleaning your pores  .....
i'm not gonna lie it is VERY hard at first, but like I said...you can head over to his place whenever you like  an having a place to yourself is pretty fun.
keeping positive is the only thing that will keep you sane....this little statement is true in so many aspects in life it is scary
it will get much better...just give it time
keep us posted please, and if you even need to talk just e-mail me 
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