living arrangements a disaster
#314744 - 09/08/07 09:37 PM
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Hi everyone,
I have never posted on this forum before (usually I just read on the diet board) but I'm frustrated with my living situation and I thought some wise and impartial heads here might be able to help.
I'm 25, living with my boyfriend and a friend of his, and I can't stand it. I love my bf of course but his friend drives me insane, just the sound of his voice makes my skin crawl and it's upsetting everything for me (I'm too sensitive, I know this). It makes me hate my house: the physical surrounds, the atmosphere, the color of the walls, everything. The prospect of my housemate coming home spoils every minute for me. I know I am letting my emotions get the better of me but I can't help it. Unfortunately my bf and I can't afford to get a place of our own right now so we're kind of stuck.
Can anyone offer any advice? or just tell me to snap out of it... I'm at my wit's end with this and I need a way to stop being so self-indulgent and letting myself be so miserable. It's affecting my relationship with my bf too, because they are such close friends and I can't help snapping about him. I probably just need to grow up I guess.
Anyway... thanks in advance... Carmen (but everyone calls me Caramello!) 
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Carmen, IBS-A
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Sounds like you need to rethink the whole arrangement, your bf is never going to give up his friend so this is never going to go away. You need to step back and away. Go home to parents and see bf separately from his friend for a while. If it doesn't improve your relationship you will know it is never going to work.
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jbgator, IBS-d,+post gall bladder syndrome
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Chickey, I totally understand where you are comming from. The year before last, before we got married and were living on our own again we were taking care of my father in laws house while he was doing his long distance trucking thing. What we didn't know when we agree-ed to this job was that his brother from vancouver would be living at the house as well for *a couple months durring the summer* the couple months turned into April-Dec of that year.
Durring that time, he was an alcoholic, he snapped at my husband and myself alot (and I am not the type of person that can handle yelling one little bit)and the guy even threw a dish and smashed it to pieces.. not to mention the fact that durring this time he was suppose to be working to pay his own bills around the house but no.. Either his father or my husband and I had to cover his behind. (He is 36 years old, has been in a two year college program for the last 3 years and my father in law is in thousands of dollars of debt because he is paying all of the school fee, tuition, living expenses, cell phone, laptop, ect.)
Not a happy situation. At that time I had no idea what to do as I was depressed and sick and just hearing him walking around upstairs would be enough to freak me out or make me feel ill.
In the end there was only a couple things that ended up helping me through that time and making it at least tolerable until we were able to move out this April. 1. If you can, find a concillor to talk to. I was visiting mine until it was too cold for me to get down there (i don't drive haha) and she taught me techiniques on how to deal with him and the stress. 2. if you are having trouble with your bf, try to explain to him that you still love him but that it is a little trying on your nerves having the friend constantly around. (maybe make him watch *you, me and dupree* haha)
But ultimately know that you are not alone and this board is a great place to vent without hesitation.
and if I may also suggest. *the feeling good handbook by Dr. David Burns* it's great to stress/anxeity/depression.. It's one of those books that teaches you to stop being negative..
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Hi, my fella and I just moved out of a simmilar situation, granted on top of a housemate problem our apartment was a mold infested hell hole run by slum lords. I tried everything to like it. I cooked dinner for all of us as peice overtures. I changed my schedual so that we were never home at the same time, when the peace overture didn't work. I painted the walls and decorated in an effert to make the place feel like home again. I was sick for six months when I told my fella we had to move. I began showing him one bedrooms on craigslist, and we ended up in beautiful apartment. My point is once you get past the fed up point, you can't really go back to being ok with him being there. If you were all getting along before try just telling your boyfreind it's upsetting to you that your relationship with your housemate is not working and you'd realy like it if you guys could try it on your own for awhile. than start bookmarking craiglist in your neighborhood, or offer to help your housemate find a new situation.
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ibc a but c predominent doing hypnotherapy and taking it one day at a time
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Hey girls
Thank you so much for sharing these things with me; not that I'd wish it on anyone but I'm glad to know you're out there!!! It's really hard to vent to bf/friends etc. because obviously it just puts people in the middle.
I wish so much I could just breeze through and not let any of it affect me but yeah. At least I can see other people know where I'm coming from/have experienced the same thing! I know we have got to get out, and my bf is starting to catch "the vibe"  He's starting to get frustrated with how hopeless/useless his friend is, plus he can see how wound up I am.
Dizzy, you're right, I think even starting to plan getting our own place will help me deal with this. I have seen a counsellor for other things so might go back and see her; she was pretty good at working out practical strategies to deal with things.
Hopefully I'll be able to look back and laugh one day??!!
Thanks again for your advice.
Caramello
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Carmen, IBS-A
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Hey, I'm brand new to this site and the message boards, but I saw your posting and wanted to respond. Living in a situation as you describe is certainly not good for your IBS. I myself went through the same situation when my ex's friend came to live with us indefinitely. In my situation, even though I expressed my concerns to my ex, he never seemed to care enough to change the situation. Upon reflection, he probably preferred having his friend there than having to deal with our relationship one on one. I think his friend was a crutch. But I'm not you. And one thing I'm not clear on from your original post is whether your bf and his friend were already living together and you moved in, or whether you and your bf were living together and his friend moved in. If it is the former, it is a difficult situation as you made the choice to move in not only with your bf but the friend. I think the best bet would be to sit down with your bf and try to figure out realistically how to get a place on your own--just you and your bf. As someone else noted, if that will not work, you might have to see if you can get your own place without your bf until the situation changes. If your bf really cares about you, he should be sympathetic to your concerns and try to work something out. And if you just cannot get out of the house, then try to limit your time around the friend as much as possible--go out and take a walk if he starts to get to you or leave the room. I hope something works out. I've been there, done that, so I sympathize.
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