Flipada ...
#305076 - 04/16/07 08:34 AM
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Double J
Reged: 03/09/06
Posts: 900
Loc: High Rocky Mountains ibs-d
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I understand that men are jerks ... some of us just take too long to grow up. And I grew up being taught that my sweetheart is the queen of my life and I that needed to treat her like that.
But I'm the lucky one ... my wife just keeps me around no matter how trying I can get.
Still .. after reading some these posts I'd like to see some of these jerks try to ride Old Pete ... and old mustang ... he'd kick their boots off. That would be kind of satisfying seeing them lying in the dust.
-------------------- Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Hey Stephie
Good to hear from you, and thanks for your post.
You're right, I'm just dealing with every part of this, every feeing, as and when it happens, without trying to second guess what's coming next.
He is acting strange, it's like he's suddenly a slightly weirder, more child-like version of himself overnight - very disconcerting! As for talking about why this has happened, I think in his head the reasons he has already given are enough - but whilst a couple of them are sound, and I wish he'd said something earlier so I could've changed what I was doing, the others are just silly little things that happen in relationships.
I've just had a conversation with one of his good friends, who implied there may well be another reason this has all happened so suddenly, but I won't say anything on that until I've spoken to him. Needless to say, if it's true, my way of approaching this might have to change...
I think after a while he will definitely realise he over-dramatised some of his annoyances, and the how they made him feel, but I doubt he will ever admit that, as he is a very stubborn man...
Thanks again, and I might well take up the email offer! Today is the first day I've had where I've felt a bit, well, crap...
PS - how are you going? Where are you working now? What's new?
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Your words are spot-on, as always! The poem made me cry my eyes out, it hit so many spots.
He has got a little more grown-up about it, from what I can tell - with a good start that the money has shown up in my account, so I suppose I have no reason to worry that he won't honour the car agreement. I guess we'll have to see!
That's the funny thing with his approach to the IBS - whilst he didn't try as hard as me to stabilize, he certainly tried bloody hard, did what was necessary, rarely had a go at me when it caused a problem, etc. He even joked, when I was at my worst, that if I never left the house again it wouldn't be a problem - he'd build a bar in our dining room and invite everyone to ours instead! I guess he never meant it...
Today's the first day, since it happened on Friday, that I've felt knocked sideways by this. Now I have nearly all my stuff from his house (will do a proper update above) it feels more complete somehow. And even though it was 100% over from the second he said "I don't love you like I used to do", this really hammers it home.
I just wish I could suss out how I feel about him - why aren't I thinking about him 24/7? Why don't I cry when I do? Why does it take someone being all nice and hugging me to make me cry? Why, when i imagine him with someone else, does it not make me angry or sad or disgusted?? Why do I just feel well, slightly sad & disappointed in him??
I just don't get it, yet.....
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Yeah, I expected everyone would be so surprised. Remember when he actually used to come on here, post as MrBlondie13, and ask for good tummy vibes from everyone to get me through something tough? Where did that man go?!
I don't underestimate how tough it must have been for him, at all, the bit that confuses me is how it was "not a problem, at all" for so very very long, and then overnight it suddenly became a deal breaker. Or is that just because he's a man?!
The family & friends thing has been a real shocker, only one thought we were going to last the distance, and the others seem to have seen/logged his weaknesses way before I did.
Despite what he's done / said, I really want to try and end up friends, though of course that will take a good while. He said that we'd become more like "house-sharers" than anything else, but even if that was the case (it wasn't) we still stayed great friends, laughed a lot, understood the other, slept cuddled together in bed every night, talked about work, the news, politics, our friends, etc. He said Friday night "we never actually talk anymore!", but we did, a lot, and I don't want to lose all of that.
Hurrumph... Everyone's being so nice, and it's making me cry again!
How much would I give for a time machine, so I could go back and make a couple of changes, try a little bit harder on a couple of things - just to see if it made a difference...?
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Thanks Cassandra.
I'm glad everyone has seen the 'having to plan around your tum' thing in the same way that I and everyone here has, even his friends - weak. I said to him at the time that if it were the other way round, and for some reason he had a chronic illness that meant he struggled to leave the house, i would just accept it, deal with it, and continue to love him for who he was. I don't doubt it's EXTREMEMLY difficult / tiring at times, but come on man - it's one thing to argue about it, quite another to use it as an excuse for stopping loving someone!! Especially when you've said all along it made no difference..............
Thanks for the hugs sweetie, all very much appreciated right now. Particularly today, felt really crappy about it so far today, though still not as bad as I would've expected. Think it's because I'm on my own for the first time - working from home today, and both parents out at work, so nothing to distract me!
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Thanks sweetie, keep those hugs coming!
I hope your right, and my gut feeling says you are... I don't know what I want, and I'm certainly not ready to start looking, but if it was what I had it wouldn't have ended I guess.
Back to baby steps I think, just not IBS-related this time!!
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Wow, I'd not even thought about the 'commitment to being together forever' angle, but you're probably right. I wonder why it's getting harder and harder these days?
Many, many, many thanks for your kind and beautiful words - they are very much appreciated
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Thanks Michelle.
Beginning to wonder how you do tell if someone is 'the right man for you' - I kind of thought I knew, but I clearly didn't. Is there some easy kind of definitive test out there, like relationship litmus paper?!
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Re: Update
#305279 - 04/18/07 03:35 AM
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Blondie13
Reged: 02/28/06
Posts: 641
Loc: Sheffield, England
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Sorry it's been a couple of days guys, I was having problems logging on up at my parents. Problem fixed now!
So, let's see, what's new.... I went down for my things yesterday afternoon with my pops and a big van. J was at work, but he'd asked for his sister to be there, to make him 'feel more comfortable'. What did he think I was gonna do, burn is house down or something?!! Silly little boy.
His sister was lovely, and SO embarrassed that he'd asked her to be there, absolutely mortified. She just sat on the sofa reading while me and dad sorted through everything, helping us when she could with the carrying, etc. She was cool - I was finding it hard with some things, where yes they were mine, as in I'd bought them, but taking them seemed excessive - silly things like coasters & vases. But she said if they were mine I should take them, and not to be silly, he'd just have to be ok about it.
So I did, with most of it, I just left the breadbin, tea coffee & sugar jars, bedclothes, curtains and cushions. The house would've been stripped bare if I'd taken all that was mine!! I remember he once said that without all my things and ornaments and little touches everywhere, the house had always felt empty and cold, and now it felt like a home. Oops, it wasn't looking very home-like when I left...
We moved the vast bulk of it - it is now filling my parents dining room, on two layers - but I have to go back down for a few things, such as paperwork (didn't want to go through his stuff to find mine, since he was being such a baby), my Playstation2 (knowing my luck I'd break the tv trying to remove it!) and some books, because I ran out of boxes.
I texted him to let him know I'd done, and emailed him the details of what I had to go back for. I also tried to explain that I was trying SO hard to make this as easy as possible for both of us, and that if we made an effort to be adult about it I was sure in the future we could be on friendly terms. I didn't get much back in terms of sentiments, he just thanked me for being cool about it and trying to make it easy.
We'll arrange a date for me to go down soon, but it'll be next week at the earliest. He said 'I know this is hard, but it's better now than later', which was weird, 'cause I didn't actually find it very hard at the time. (I only lost it when his sister wanted to give me a hug when we were leaving - I just jumped in my car before I started sobbing!!)
Two things would make this easier for me - firstly to know how he's feeling, how he feels about going through all this, and secondly to know for ABSOLUTE sure there was no-one else involved - as yesterday one of his good friends implied he had met someone else, and this morning someone in our trade implied the same thing.
Now I won't say anything until I've asked him, but if it's true my heart will break all over again. We always swore we'd never do anything like that - that if we met someone else we'd end it there and then, before we cheated and hurt the other person. I will be so disappointed in him if it's true, 100 times more than I am already. For now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, but let's just say based on prior behaviour patterns that's not easy..............
Anyway, I'll reserve judgement on that one. He transferred the money of mine that he had into my account, which is great, and I genuinely believed he would do, and he's promised to get me a copy of all the car finance paperwork, so I know what's what and can plan for taking it over come October.
I would LOVE to take it over before then, but I really do need to get my (very expensive!) debt sorted out first. (Since Jan I've already reduced it by 35%)
I have so much in my head - how do you deal with it girls? So many thoughts and memories and feelings just swirling round. Even though I feel ok I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on work, as my mind just keeps drifting off.
I genuinely don't know how I feel about him, what's happened, the old 'us', the loss, any of it. I feel like I can't have loved him if I'm dealing so well, but I'm sure i loved him completely!! I actually sit and force myself to think back to all the sweet things he's said, all the plans we made for the future, and all the little things like cuddles and kisses and looks, and whilst it makes my heart ache, it doesn't feel like the end of the world.
The hardest part is that just a few days before it happened I'd had this great moment, feeling like everything was about to change, and feeling great that in the past 12 months my life has changed beyond belief, and that now I'd hit my 6 month probation period at work I could relax a bit, and focus more on me, Jamie and us going out together in the evenings and at weekends. My IBS was still there, but I knew how to manage it, and I was SO looking forward to everything being on the up!
So the hard bit is that I feel like if I'd managed to have that moment a few weeks earlier, this might not even be happening, we'd both be a lot happier, and we would have re-found that excitement and passion and closeness that had faded slightly through the IBS-imposed restrictions. It might even have meant we'd be together forever, like we planned - but even if it didn't, it would've ended with me knowing I gave it everything.
As it is, I feel like it was snatched away before I could even try to fight for it, I wasn't given the chance to make it better. And that, definitely, makes me cry.
-------------------- http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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