I have a lot going on..
#30328 - 12/06/03 02:40 PM
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KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
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Hi everyone,
I haven't left or forgotten you al but it seems this is a time for me to be tested.
I can't even remember what I last posted but this is what has been going on for me.
The last transfer sadly did not work but we decided to continue and have a go the very next month.
Nov 26th - My father in law (my husband's step father since he was young - his real father passed away suddenly last year from a heart attack) was diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer.
Nov 27th - our embryos were thawed in preparation for our transfer on the 28th. They kept succumbing and we had to thaw 6 of those precous beings in order to have 2 to transfer.
- I sensed things weren't right with my husband and took him to the GP with what I thought might be depression. My GP did nothing which I would later curse him for!
Nov 28th - I went to the hospital for transfer number 4 while Brad (my husband) stayed with his Mum during my father -in-laws massive operation that took 7.5 hours.
Nov 29th - Brad has a complete breakdown and the things that happened there will break my heart forever. The pain of watching somene you love suffer so much is so hard. He was admitted to hospital and remains there now.
Dec 6th - Harrison's 3rd birthday party. Brad was allowed by the doctor for me to pick him up to go to the party and return him afterwards. Again my heart was broken by the sight of my husband who adores our child not taking any interest in him or me.
Dec 7th - today.
I have no idea when Brad will be home. It's so hard trying to stay positive and be strong. With all that's happened to me lately I don't know where I can get any more strength but I know I need to find it somewhere. I almost feel as if Brad has died because it's like his body is here but his spirit is somewhere else. It's so hard arriving at the hospital and not even seeing a flicker of happiness in his eyes at seeing me.
He always used to tell me how much he loved me and missed me and I know he still does but is not capable of showing it. But it makes me feel so lost without him. He was always my rock and I consider myself to be more of a bowl of jelly (if you damage the container at all the rest falls apart!) I'm just so scared that I won't be able to hold all the pieces together.
The only real interaction or show of emotion I have had from Brad is when he put his hand on my stomach and said "I know this one has worked". Now I'm so scared of how it will affect him if it doesn't.
Has anyone else been through a similiar thing with a partner? I could really do with some insight here.
Kerrie 
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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I've never been through what you're describing, hon. But I want to offer any words of encouragement I can. I think some of the most comforting words are the simplest: "This too will pass". That feels so empty to say that to you, but I am certain this is not forever and there will be a day, sometime, that you will look back and wonder how you got through all this... but you did. All of you did! In the meantime, I will keep you in specific prayer, and your husband Brad and your dear Harrison (happy birthday to him!) I will pray the Lord will show Himself strong and full of grace to you. Hang in there, hon! We're here for you.
Your friend,
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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oh, my...
#30364 - 12/06/03 08:43 PM
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Shanna
Reged: 11/15/03
Posts: 471
Loc: Atlanta, GA, USA
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I cannot empathize, because I cannot possibly have any idea of what you are going through. All I can say is that you have my sympathy and condolences... and all the positive vibes I have to send your way!
You seem like a woman of strong character and will... I admire that.
If you need to vent, we're here for you!
What has your husband been diagnosed with?
Best of Luck!
Love,
Shanna
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"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." -- e e cummings
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Kerrie, you certainly have so much going on and your message gave me goosebumps. I feel for you so much. You seem so strong and this is probably also a survival mechanism to help you cope in these trying circumstances.
I haven't experienced this with a partner, but I have with my mother who has had a few breakdowns and suffers from acute depression.
If you want to talk about this more, you have my email, let me know. I'm here for you!
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Kerry I was very touched by your post. I've had
depression and I know you can recover from it.
I feel so much for you. I will keep you in
my prayers. May God give you strength and carry
you through these difficult times.
val....
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A Safe Place
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Kerrie,
You DO have a lot going on. Keep that in mind. A lot of the things taking place are out of your control--they're externals. Try to keep focused on what IS in your control.
Being so sick and unable to work on and off the past four months...not being able to be a wife for my husband...I had to focus on taking care of myself because that was the only thing I could control. I can't control being sick. I can't control the fact that I was too exhausted to get out of bed so the house became a mess and my husband had to do everything. I felt so helpless! I felt like I would never get better. I was scared my hubby would divorce me...we've been married just over a year and I'm always sick. I was terrified.
Then it occured to me that I can pray, drink lots of fluids, sleep when I need to, miss work to rest, eat properly, learn to say no, de-stress, and stuff like that. These things ARE in my control. I know our situations are different...but I hope that sharing this with you will at least give you something to focus on.
Please keep in touch and let us know if there is anything we can do.
Love,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Kerrie-
My heart and my prayers go out to you. My mother suffered from depression, which in her case turned to substance abuse…So, while our cases are completely different, I can relate to watching someone you love very dearly completely deteriorate before your eyes (and feeling completely helpless). Just know that your husband does love you with all his heart, and it will more than likely be your love and support that carries him through. And take care of yourself!
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Heather
"Quod me Nutrit me Destruit"
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Oh Kerrie I really feel for you. Depression is a horrible thing to suffer from and you are a great wife to want to be there for him.
Your family will be in thoughts and prayers everyday and know God is there for you to lean on.
Blessings,
Barb
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Oh Kerrie.. I was wondering how you were doing and am saddened to hear about all your past events. Just know that we're here for you and will be thinking of you and your family.
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- Jennifer
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I am new to the board. I was scrolling down and saw yours and clicked. I was taken back by all that you've been through. I am so sorry. My husband will be away for three weeks. He just left yesterday. I was thinking about how much I miss him already. And then I read about your husband, and now I feel selfish for being so petty. My husband is healthy, just away for a short time. But you, you have to deal with uncertainty helplessness and fear. And that makes me feel for you. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes. When something like this happens we all wonder why it has to be. I know my story probably isn't helping but these were my initial thoughts. Nothing I say with take the pain away but maybe ease it because I and all the others who replied are thinking about you. After this passes(as another person who replied said it would) you will definately look back and say 'my goodness, I made it'. Time flys by and before you know it you have entered another part of your life. The storm is over and then you will appreciate the sunshine more. Just take everything day by day. Literally day by day. That might make things easier. To plan for the future or look back with only increase your fear and helplessness. Take care!!!
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Kerrie,
My heart goes out to you and your family. We will keep you close to our hearts and in our daily prayers. I have family members who have suffered from breaksdowns and depression.
You are a strong person and so caring, your husband loves you and your child and those that will come. He will recovery, I know it's extremly hard for you right now, have faith, he has heard your prayer and will answer it in the best way he can. Look for his signs and remember Jesus doesn't speak loudly, he is the whisper that you hear. Again we are with you.
Sherri
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Kerrie,
I don't have any magic words that will take away the pain. I have been fortunate enough to not have to deal with any of this pain that has been forced upon you.
I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with. You are a strong person and will surprise yourself with how much stronger you will become to keep things positive to Harrison.
We are all here for you and love you very much! Please feel free to vent here (or email me) if you need to just talk. Sometimes just getting your feelings out there really helps.
Although we are all miles away from you...please know you are not alone...we all care for you and your family very much.
Please take care
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Oh boy Kerrie! I've just read your post having been away for a little while. You have all my sympathy. Depression is a horrendous problem. Goddamn all doctors who don't take it seriously enough.
Has Brad been given a diagnosis? This must be hell for you with all you've got on your plate as it is. Hopefully some meds will help him. All I can say is that even if he doesn't show that he likes you being there, that is the best thing you can do for him. This will take time and will test you all, but Michelle is right, it WILL pass. Hold on to that thought.
How's your father-in-law doing? You are in my prayers - all of you.
Hugs. Linz
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Dear Kerrie,
My heart just breaks when I read what all you are going through. I feel for you and your husband because I have suffered through a very serious depression and breakdown and it is the most painful thing a person can go through. It is so hard to explain to people who've never been through this, but it feels like you are just a shell----you feel like you're in this deep, dark tunnel that you cannot crawl out of. Nothing that you've enjoyed in the past gives you any pleasure and you retreat further and further away from the ones you love. In my case, I was pleading with my husband to help me, but he didn't realize the seriousness of what I was going through until it was almost too late. I commend you for recognizing that there was a problem with Brad (curse that damm doctor who didn't!!!) and for reaching out to get him help when he needed it. Although he may not be able to show you much, if any, love and affection, you just being there and having him in a safe environment where he is getting the proper medical care is exactly what he needs. Just be there for him, hold his hand, and tell him how much you love him. And although I know you need the old Brad back and want it to happen quickly, this is usually a slow process of healing. (If he's on an anti-depressant, do not be discouraged if it doesn't seem to be working right away. Many times they take several months for you to notice a difference.) I do not mean to discourage you in any way, just to let you know that you are doing the right thing and that he needs you just to be there. When I was going through this, I was terrified of being left alone. As long as my husband or a friend was by my side, I felt like I had my head above water. Just give him that little bit of rope to hang on to and he will gradually be back to his usual self. I will keep the two of you in my prayers. God bless you,
Beaglelover P.S> A word of advice to you and others who've never experienced anything like this. The worst thing you can do in this case is to tell someone to "snap out of it." I had several people tell me this, and that just made me feel worse. Depression is a chemical imbalance, and a person can't snap out of it any easier than they could snap out of diabetes or high blood pressure. Telling a person that only makes them feel totally helpless and like a complete failure. If they could snap out of it, they would!
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Hi Kerrie, My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope that the doctors have caught up with what Brad is experiencing and now have him on the right path to get well. Psychiatric illnesses are so poorly understood and often (as you initially experienced) poorly treated!! I also pray that your father-in-law's surgery went well and that he is comfortable. And, of course, may this be the in vitro that is successful and may 2004 be a year of healing and great happiness for your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you -
Andie
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Kerrie,
Your post made me cry. I am so sorry to hear of all the obstacles in your path at the moment. When you need help climbing over them, you know we're all here for you. And feel free to e-mail me off-list if you want or need to talk about your husband's illness. I've certainly known the depression looks like from his end. A book you might find helpful, if only it weren't hugely thick, is called _The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression_ by Andrew Solomon. He describes his own battle with depression, as well as the many treatments of it and new knowledge about it. If it's not available outside the US, I'd certainly mail you my copy. Best wishes for yourself and Harrison both right now.
Amelia
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I'm so sorry for the time you're going through. As a person in depression right now (and almost hospitalized 3 times for it), I can tell you that Brad loves you just as much if not more and just can't tell you that right now. You're doing a wonderful job - just being there with him helps. I know it hurts you when he is despondent - especially with Harrison - he can't help it. As for strength, hug your little boy. You'll make it - you're stronger than you think. Brad is where he needs to be right now and he WILL get better. At least he's being treated. With hugs and prayers, Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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