Advice about children (long post)!!
#278613 - 08/16/06 03:59 PM
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Snowy
Reged: 03/23/05
Posts: 406
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Okay ladies (& gents), here's the question: to have kids or not have kids. I am in such turmoil over this and could really use everyone's input. I am about to turn 30 and feel like I really need to get off the fence and make a decision. I do know that I don't want to be birthing babies when I'm nearing 40.
My husband and I have been married for just over a year and together for 4. There is no doubt in my mind that he would be a great father. I actually knew that I wanted to marry him when I saw what a father he became to our puppy (kind of corny I know). We both love kids- I have a nephew who I adore. I think there are 3 things that are really holding me back from taking the plunge:
1- We're so busy! I know that everybody is busy. I mean who has the time to lie in the hammock and read a book anymore?! But, I just don't know how we could possibly fit a child into our current schedules. We're building a house right now which I know is part of the headache, but not all of it. I also know that I will always work full-time. I am the bread winner in our household. My husband will never make more money than I do unless he gets out of his current field of work (which I don't see happening). Besides, I would rather see him happy and making less money than doing something he doesn't enjoy. We have talked about him being a stay at home dad, which he says he would do, but I don't know if it would work in the end. I think he would feel couped up.
2- Now this one is pretty selfish- I hate being sick, specifically vomiting. I think I actually have a phobia of it. I know that kids bring home all of that crap and I just don't know how I would deal with it.
3- My mother was married when she was 15, had my sister when she was 16, me when she was 18, and divorced 3 months later. We didn't have a terrible life, but it wasn't great either. I am scared that I won't be able to provide my kids with a life that they deserve. I have always said that I won't have kids of my own unless I am in a much better situation than my mother was. I have a good relationship with my mother, but I do harbor some resentment. I don't want that for my children.
So, am I just being selfish here? I think about all of these reasons and go back and forth almost daily. I would appreciate any stories, words of wisdom, or advice from anyone who wants to offer it.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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I can understand feeling selfish--part of why my husband and I waited 3+ years (our first is due in less than a month) was because we wanted time to take nice, expensive vacations, spend time with friends, and, well...play! So we did that and here we are. Before we started trying, I worried because we are ahead of most of our friends in terms of marriage and children---meaning, we'll be the only ones in our close group of friends with kids, probably for 2 years at least. Also, I am a person who really likes my alone time, really likes to shop, really likes to go to the spa and pamper myself, and having children will change all that. But I don't know...one day I just decided that I wanted a family and was willing to make those changes. I admit when I FIRST got pregnant, I was stressed a bit about how much things would change, and wondering if I should have waited more. But that feeling passed pretty quickly, and now I can't wait. I'm ready for this stage of my life. ( I will turn 30 in October).
I am also lucky in that my husband has a really good, well paying job, and that I can work part time after my 4 month maternity leave without us struggling financially. That has made things really easy for us. I also have the support of both of our families.
It sounds to me, like you're not quite ready. Not that you won't EVER be ready, but when you are ready, you'll recognize that you have some doubts, and some concerns, but that they aren't enough to stop you from starting a family because you just want it that badly. Don't use your age as a guideline either---yeah, waiting until 40 makes it more difficult physically, but you're 10 years from that! And really a lot can change in even a year. When I first told my husband I wanted us to start trying...I really threw him for a loop. But it didn't take long for him to be on the same page as me, and he is completely excited to be a father.
Oh and by the way---I don't like vomit either. I was lucky to only puke about 5 times when I had morning sickness, but when other people puke? Forget it! My husband knows that will be his area. (I can't even pick up dog puke). As for kids getting sick...yeah, that happens. But I think by that time, you'll be over that. Once you have kids, I have a feeling that a lot of your worries will seem insignificant. You just have to get to the place where you're ready to deal with it all. Good luck!
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I'm sure you are going to get many different responses and honestly, mine might just be contreversal.. but here is my thoughts..
My fiance and I have no interest in having children what so ever. Right now he hates kids and to me, the best thing about children is giving them back to the parent when they start screaming thier fool heads off.
Children will truely impact your life, both your free time and your pocket book. This isn't like a pet that grows up withing a couple years and don't need you so much anymore. This is a life time commitment. You will have this child to take care of for at least 16 years or more. True most people who have had children love them more than life itself but there are a few where it ruined thier marriage and thier lives.. Everyone is different.
Also think about it this way, the more prepared you are the better. I do mean finacially. Also you have to know that you are making this decison for the right reasons. I feel that just because a person can have a kid, doesn't mean they should. Too many people have tried to get pregnant just to save thier relationship, or to simply get more money from the gov. I'm not saying that you would but you know what I mean... I would suggest watching two types of tv show just so as you can see other families with thier brand new babies.. *birth stories* or if you want the more horror story terrible twos from hell... Nanny 911 or supernanny...
I also personally feel that there are zero benefits to your body. True you would have larger breasts (but personally that would be a bad thing) it will completly screw up everything in your body especially if something horrible happens (I truely hope that if you do decide that children are the right choice that this doesn't happen to you) but a friend of mine cannot carry to term she has had three almost life threatening issues.
Also again personally, if I were to change my mind and decide I wanted a baby, I would adopt. There are so many children in the world that do not have homes and I would feel guilty to bring in another to an over populated world.. But again, these are just my thoughts.. (Someone had to advocate for the people who don't want children... even if my views may seem harsh)
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You and your husband are the only ones who can make this decision. You need to follow your heart. If you're not ready, you're not ready.
My parents were horrible. Nasty, abusive, and drunk. For a long time I thought that was the way things were supposed to be and so I didnt want any children of my own. Now, though, I know that just because you're parents make a decision doesn't mean that you have to make the same one. And I can't wait until my husband and I are able to start a family.
As for providing a life for your children that they deserve; well, there really aren't that many basic things children will need from you. A safe home, love, and your time. Of course there are all of the other things that naturally go along with having children but what they need most from you is your love and your attention. Are you ready to give them that? If you're not, it's okay. Think about the changes that will happen in your life. Good and bad. I would say, "If you're not sure, wait a little longer." But that's just me.
Children are precious and, frankly, I think there really isn't any point to anything without them. But I know that parenthood isn't for everyone. And that's alright.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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I love to hear all of the different points of view. It really gives me a few things to think about. What I have taken from all the advice is that I am not ready. Maybe I won't ever be. I just hope that one day I have the answer. I don't think I really even hear the ticking of the clock as much as we are receiving pressure- mainly from my mother. Even though her life wasn't easy having kids at a young age, she says she wouldn't change a thing. She also says that she won't be happy until she has a grandkid with my dimples and my husbands eyes! 
I don't know anyone personally who regrets having children. I think I'm in a little bit of the same boat as Ginger, we would be some of the first in our group of friends to really "settle down" and raise a family. Other than my sister (who is a constant complainer and that I rarely go to for advice, especially about something like motherhood), I haven't had a close friend who has had a baby and can give it to me straight. So, all of the advice from the board members (mothers, non-mothers, soon-to-be mothers) is very important to me. Although I haven't had the time to post a lot, I have kept up with the goings on around here and have come to respect all of your opinions greatly. So, thank you for the responses that I have received. I look forward to hearing what everyone else has to say as well.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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As everyone else has said, sounds like you're not quite ready to make that commitment. Even thought I don't have children yet, I think you just kind of know when you're ready to take the step. I don't think anyone is ever really prepared...how can you be? It will be such a big change. But you know when you're ready to make that change. My husband and I have been talking about having kids for a while. We were hoping to start trying next month, but now I will be having surgery  So I'll have to wait a little while yet. I can't wait to start trying! But we've been married for a little over 3 years now. We've had time to spend together, have fun, do what we want. We're at the point where we're ready to start a family. Maybe you need to wait a little longer to just be a couple for a while. There is no way we would have been ready after 1 year of marriage. And I don't think being 30 is a big concern. Maybe after another year of marriage you'll both be anxious for kids. I wouldn't rush it...just give it some time. Yoou'll know when you have that desire.
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~Mary
Had surgery for rectal prolapse in Sept. '06 and feeling good now! Loving life with our IVF miracle #1.
 
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You are very wise to think this all through.
First let me get done with the vomiting thing. I have OCD and my biggest obsession/terror/loathing/fear/disgust/you get the idea is vomiting and illnesses. I think babies do spit up for a reason. It's to get us used to it. It happens, and it is gross, but throwing up is part of parenting. And every single time, I've gotten through it fine. Unpleasant, yes, but I got through it. It's somehow different when it's your own kid. It's one of those things that you can learn to get used to. And if you can get used to this,... well, you can get used to ANYTHING.
Second, the busy part. Yep. You have to ask yourself if you like your lifestyle the way it is, or are you rEALLY willing to change. Children change your lifestyle drastically. Not necessarily for the worse, but definitely a total 180. They become your priority. So you do family things instead of couple things. You have play dates, and family get togethers with friends, and babysitters for dates.
As for Dad staying home, have no fear. If you think your husband will be a good father, chances are, he will be. A friend of mine is in the exact situation you are in - her husband is staying home. Guess what? He has a whole new respect for parenting, and "stay at home" duties.
And I think it was hoho who said that children need very little. Good food, adequate clothes, loving parents and your time. Did I mention toys???? LOL. Don't be surprised though - they do cost a LOT of money.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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It took us a while to be ready, too. And even when I was pregnant, I didn't feel completely ready. I also believe there's never a PERFECT time.
Still, after 3 years of severe postpartum depression, a diagnosis of OCD, and then Bipolar after having kids, 2 c-sections, being hospitalized for 6 weeks on bedrest before my daughter was born (premature and stayed for another 3 weeks), I am still so glad I have them and could not imagine my life without my kids. They are my joy and my life. If you do decide to have kids, it's one of the most amazing and rewarding experiences you'll ever have. Not sugar coating it - it's not easy, and I say that from experience. But definitely worth it all.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I agree, I'm not sure you are ready just yet. Doesn't mean that won't change in 6 months or a cople of years. I was very undecided about having kids until about 3 years ago. One day, I jusy KNEW I was ready. I was still worried about money and time and the energy and everything else but I knew I would make it all work somehow.
Now, I want a child more than anything and probably will never be able to have one. Fate can be very cruel sometimes. However, at 30, you still have a few years before you need to worry about the clock ticking!! I was 33 when we starting trying and just turned 36. I agree, I don't want to be 40 and birthing a baby but don't feel pressured by time. When its the right time, you will feel it and if you never feel it than thats ok too. There is nothing at all that says everyone has to have kids!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I was 22 when I had my first daughter. There was never a question with me that I wanted to have children, I just knew it. I had my son 5 1/2 years later and then 3 years after that my daughter. All three of my children were wanted and planned. It is difficult to explain but I knew that I wanted them. When my last child was born as soon as she came out I said I am glad this is my last one. I knew then that I didn't want anymore. Again, really difficult to explain.
The point is if and when you are ready you will know it. There will be no thoughts of not having enough money or time. You will know if it is right without question. I heard someone say once that if you wait until you have enough money or enough time to have children you will never have them.
Children do change your life forever. But for me I never missed my life before children and once they were born couldn't imagine my life without them. I know that it isn't like this for everyone.
Now that my youngest daughter is a senior in high school I am starting to try to think what my life will be like with no kids at home. It is very difficult for me but I am sure I will adjust.
Try not to stress and try to have a peace about your decision and when the time is right you will know the best thing to do for you.
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Janey
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I'm glad to hear that my fear of vomiting is not alone. I never had the fear until my last boyfriend. He was an alcoholic and would vomit in our bed in the middle of the night and not even know it. He perfected the art of vomiting while driving. Sad but true. Every since then I have had a problem with vomiting and with really drunk people.
I think I can provide kids with the essentials, I'm just not ready to. Thank you so much for your honest advice.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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Michelle, my heart goes out to you. I have followed your story and every time there is a new development I find myself wondering why things work the way they do. I know there is a reason, I just can't figure it out. I know you would be a wonderful mother. Well, you are a wonderful mother- to your 4-legged friends.  We have 3 dogs so I can definitely relate and love to see your pictures.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. They have made me realize that turning 30 doesn't mean that I need to make this decision.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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Janey, you sound very much like my mother. Except for the fact that she got started when she was 15! My older sister is 32 and has been gone from the house for 12 years, I am 1 month away from 30 and been gone for 10 years, and my youngest sister is 19 and just left last fall. My mother experienced some empty nest syndrome. She has made me promise to include a room for her and my stepfather in the new house that we are building.  Not sure how we are going to like that in the end!
Thank you for sharing your story.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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I know it is going to be hard when all my kids are gone but I am hoping that DH and I will be able to find plenty to keep us busy. It will just be a different way of life and I feel confident I will be able to get used to it.
That would be a tough one to have them live with you. I know I couldn't live with my own Mother. By the way, my parents divorced when I was 10 so I know exactly what you mean about wanting to provide better for your kids. I did provide more material things for mine but the most important thing that I gave them was my time. That was something I didn't always get from my Mother and Father and I swore that I would be different and I have been. In the end your love and attention is more important than anything material things you can give children.
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Janey
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Janey!!
#278809 - 08/17/06 01:28 PM
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Snowy
Reged: 03/23/05
Posts: 406
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No way would I ever let my parents live with me! It's just so that they can stay for a weekend here and there. They live about an hour away. If we lived together now, we would bicker like children! Our relationship got much better after I moved out of the house. I wouldn't want to go back to he way it was!
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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Thanks sweetie. I'm ok with my childless state at the moment, the "boys" REALLY help. I'm sure once my health improves and I've got two sets of friends who will be trying very soon that the baby bug will hit me again in full force. I just know I'm no where near healthy enough right now to even think about trying.
Don't let turning 30 freak you out. Its just a number. Statistically, complications do increase at the 35 age mark but you've still got lots of time to figure things out! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm not looking forward to turning the big 3-0. Maybe because I am a year older than my husband and a lot of our friends are younger. Maybe I'm figuring out the trend here... I'm just not ready to grow up!
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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My husband will only be turning 29 this year, and we have a lot of friends who are younger. Some of my closest friends are 23-25!
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30's not so bad, I'm 30 since May and got married last September. Some of our close friends have just announced that they are pregnant and I'm jealous but I've just started a new job and we're in the process of buying a new house so the timing is bad. My biological clock is really ticking loudly though. I really want kids- 3 I think but I am worried that we have difficulty conceiving etc, cos you can't take anything for granted.
I agree with the others, you don't sound ready, and while turning 30 definitely focuses you on things like that that your body is telling you it is more than ready to do, you have to listen to your head and your heart.
As for the busy thing I think that your schedules always will find room for your children if you are ready to have them.
Ginger my DH is a year younger than me too, the only time it bothers me is when I have a big birthday and the following year he is all depressed about turning that age and I'm like- my life didn't end when I got that far! Hope your late pregnancy is going well- can't wait for you to "pop" so we get baby pics and names etc.
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S.
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Ginger!!
#278862 - 08/17/06 06:55 PM
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Snowy
Reged: 03/23/05
Posts: 406
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I turn 30 on Sept 17th and my husband will be 29 on Nov. 1st. A lot of our friends are around 25. We have a couple of new girls in our office who just graduated from college and it so weird to listen to them talk about going downtown to the bars or about their male situations. They say things like "straight chillin'", "what up dog", and "girlfriend" about every other sentence. I definitely don't want to be in that place again, but listening to them makes me feel old. They suggested going bar hopping on a Tuesday night a couple of weeks back. Are you kidding?! I'm heading to bed when they're just going out! My husband & I have a nice social life but it includes a volleyball league, playing cards, going to dinner, or hanging out at the local bars. Funny how things change as you get older.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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There seems to be a lot of us on the boards that are around the 30 mark. It makes me feel good about myself because I can relate to so many of you and it definitely seems like you all have your lives together.
Thanks for your input Sinead!
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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Hah, my husband and I stopped going to bars like a year ago, before we even decided to start trying. We did that in college, and then after college for probably 2 years we went out a lot with friends, and it just got old. A few of our younger friends, especially the sinlge ones still go out and I am not remotely jealous. I work downtown, so I might stay after work for dinner or a show, but going downtown on the weekend? Forget it!! So in that respect, I feel kind of old. None of my younger friends say "Straight chillin" though, I think I'd roll on the floor laughing. 
We get together with friends and play games, see movies, just hang out. And I'm perfectly happy with that. We save money at least!
I think I'm less afraid about turning 30 because I'll have a baby just before. It's dumb to think that matters though, cause it really doesn't. Plus my life, while may be a little behind what I expected it to be, is at least advancing in the right direction, and I have a happy marriage so there isn't much to feel bad about. I am constantly thinking "Thank God I am married" because I've seen my single friends looking for their match and it's not easy. I'm so lucky to be done with that. Actually I was done about 14 years ago (I met my husband when I was 16!).
Anyway, my mom said if she could go back to any age, it would be 30. You're totally over any awkwardness, have more confidence, can take care of yourself but still have that youth. So embrace it!
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We don't go to bars very often. Usually when one of our younger friends is having a birthday. Or, my husband loves to sing karaoke so we'll hit up a bar then. Otherwise, I can't stand the smoke and drunks.
Congratulations to you and your husband! I love to hear stories of couples who have been together since high school. I was way too wild to settle down at that age. I had my own bar stool at a couple of bars.
I think I will embrace it. I don't look 30, at least I don't think I do!
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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I agree turning 30 wasn't all that bad. I am 31 now but we stopped the bar scence around 28. Don't get me wrong we still went out with friends for special events but mostly we hung out at each other's houses and played cards or games. I had my son when I was 28 and now I am gaving another one. Kids really do change your life but for the better. You give up a sense of freedom but gain some of the most valued treasures. I think the one thing I was worried about was our relationship as a married couple. But that turned out just fine. Remember this though you HAVE to be a strong couple before kids. Many people think a child is going to help their marriage and it won't. I have seen too many friends go through majour problems and divorce after kids come because they thought children would fix their marriage. You will know when it is right for you to have one. But remember this you'll never feel completely ready finacially so don't let that scare you!!
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Hey there Snowy.
I've been gone for a week so I'm just catching up. Now I can give you my two cents.
I just turned 37. I had my first child at 26 and my 2nd at 30. So, if I have my math right, I have an almost 11 year old and a 7 year old. I was remarried last summer to a wonderful man that just so happens to be 3 yrs. younger than me and has no children of his own.
I said I would never have more kids. Then I met him. I've struggled with many of the same issues you brought up. For one, I feel too old (sometimes). Will I recover well? Will I have the energy for a little one? Two, I worry about the age gap of kids. Will they ever be close? Will I then have another so this 3rd won't be an "only child"? Three, with a 3rd, I will need a bigger home and will have less money to do it with. 4th, I won't be able to quit my job any time soon. Unless I have twins! Then we won't be able to afford child care so I'll HAVE to quit! So, those are some of the downsides...
Then I think about how much I love my husband and how I would love to give him a child of his own. I know he'll be a great dad. I know that all my worries about money, etc. will work out as they always do. They say if you wait until you have enough money to have kids, you never will.
I know that I have changed in so many positive ways since becoming a mother. It's life changing, is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. It's the best thing I've ever done and sometimes is the most frustrating and exasperating. I have learned so much from my children. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without them. And I'm sure that after I have the next one (if it's meant to be) that I'll say the same thing.
Snowy, you have time to make your decision. Give it another year before you start thinking about it seriously. You're still young enough. You need to take the time alone with your husband at the beginning stages of your marriage. Enjoy.
Only you (and DH) can make this decision but what ever you do, don't let age rush you into a deciding one way or another. Take some time. And good luck!!
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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Thank you for the advice. I'm really glad that I posted about this. You all are so wise and have given me a lot to think about but answered my questions at the same time. I am going to wait and try not to think about the pressures or "what if's" for another year.
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IBS-A, with bloating and gas as my predominant symptoms
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