my mother needs help!
#277312 - 08/05/06 10:13 PM
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lissylou73
Reged: 06/20/06
Posts: 154
Loc: West Virginia (IBS G&P)
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I urgently need advice!
I am very worried about my 66 year old mother. She admits she is addicted to food and can't remember the last time she's felt hungry because she is always eating. She has already had breast cancer and is currently on medications for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. She has gained so much weight that her ankles are swollen and her knees and feet hurt. She can barely walk, and in addition, my step-dad said she loses control of her bowels probably 2-3 times a week. I do not live at home, but my step-dad says that every day, she comes home from work, fixes dinner, and goes to bed for the rest of the night. She lays in bed and watches tv or reads while she eats a bag of potato chips or pretzels (my step-dad has confirmed this). So obviously she gets absolutely no exercise, even though my step-dad has offered to walk with her. I have tried ever since I can remember to try to get her to adopt a more healthy lifestyle, but she always has an excuse. It has gotten to the point that if I or my step-dad say anything to her, she gets furious or she shames us for hurting her feelings. So my step-dad has given up, even though he is worried about her too. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I'm close. She not a stupid woman and she has to know that she is killing herself. My question is: How do I convince her eat right and exercise without making her mad? I just subscribed her to the Overeaters' Anonymous' magazine. I'm sure that will make her mad and she may just throw it away, but I have to try! Any suggestions?
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"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats."
Albert Schweitzer
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I can`t really offer you any advice but try and support her as that is what she will need. Maybe someone not as close as your stepdad or you could talk to her about it?
sending you big hugs, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
jo x
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http://www.myspace.com/jo_elsmere
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It sounds really difficult for you - and for your mother. My first thought when I read your post is that your mother must experience a huge void and emptiness in her life, that she is trying to fill and/or get relief from through binging the way she does. The way I see it, keeping ourselves unfit and on the verge of physical malnutrition can be a powerful shield against psychological feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. I think your mother needs to understand WHY she is eating the way she does from an emotional point of view, but then again, that is easier said than done. But perhaps you could try to talk to her from that angle, ask her how she is? I think she's made herself deaf to what she only hears as your "nagging" about her food habits, she has to open up other doors in order to get well. Best of luck to all of you. Great of you to stand by your mum.
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She does have a huge void in her life, but I'm not sure what. She has a loving church family (she's the pastor's wife) and many step-children that love her, as well as me, my husband, and my step-dad. My theory is that when she was about 35 years old, her father, whom she was very close to, died from brain cancer. Her first husband (my father) said after that happened, she always said she was doomed to get cancer. Well, she ended up with breast cancer a few years ago. Thank God it was caught early, didn't spread, and she didn't have to have chemo treatments...only radiation. My step-dad told me the other day that she has never come out and said it, but he feels she thinks she has cancer again. But none of her bloodwork or medical exams indicate that. I think she has never gotten past her father's death and eating and lying in bed is comfort for her. It was suggested to me by a friend to talk to her doctor and see if he can have a heart-to-heart with her (she really thinks a lot of the doc). I'll call his office this week and make an appointment for myself to discuss things with him. I may also look for a local support group, like overeaters' anonymous. I'll tell her I'm taking her out, but not tell her where, and go with her. She may get mad, but she'll get over it. Besides, I would be her ride home  I don't worry about her getting mad, I just don't want to ever hurt her feelings. I tell her all the time that the things I say are out of love. Thanks for the advice and encourgement!
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"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats."
Albert Schweitzer
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A quick thought: maybe your mother has some unresolved issues or feelings regarding her relationship with her father, not just regarding his actual death and the loss connected to that. This could be even if she was very close to him. Grief will in the "normal" case fade out. But if there is something else "at bottom", his death could have triggered something in her that she since then has not been able to handle. Just a thought. Good luck with your plans, you seem very committed!
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Quote:
I just subscribed her to the Overeaters' Anonymous' magazine. I'm sure that will make her mad and she may just throw it away, but I have to try!
In its FAQs, OA states unequivocally:
Quote:
If I have friends or family members who need OA, will you send them information?
To respect OA's principles of anonymity and "attraction rather than promotion," the WSO cannot send material to anyone other than the person making the request. You may, of course, share OA information and your personal experience in OA with those you care about. Perhaps with your encouragement, they will choose to find help through OA or through some other method.
OA may be just what your mother needs, but it's more than likely that if you keep "surprising" her with it, she'll simply dig in her heels and refuse to have anything to do with it. And "trapping" her at an OA meeting sounds cruel, both to her and to the other people at the meeting.
I think speaking to her doctor is an excellent idea. I also strongly urge you to do this: Go to www.oa.org. About 1 screen down on the left, you'll find the following:
Quote:
Concerned family members of compulsive eaters can receive an information packet from the WSO upon request to info@oa.org
See what OA itself has to say about what you can do to help.
The bottom line is that you cannot force your mother to do anything. You can, however, make yourself nuts trying. The literature you get from OA may contain an O-Anon meeting near you which you should consider attending. If there isn't an O-Anon meeting near you, look for an Open OA meeting you can attend.
I would also urge you to remember that encountering cancer in your own life after you've lost a parent to it is more terrifying than most people can imagine. Your mother might benefit from seeing a counselor or support group for this issue - and her doctor might be able to advise you on this - but again you can only suggest, you cannot force.
I wish your mother and you all the best.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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"....cannot send material to anyone other than the person making the request."
--I assumed it was ok for me to have the magazine sent to her. When I ordered it from OA's web site, it was set up that you could send it as a gift. They even provided a field where you could enter who the gift was from.
"And "trapping" her at an OA meeting sounds cruel, both to her and to the other people at the meeting."
--Please know I would NEVER do anything that would be cruel to ANYONE! I just said this out of hopelessness. I will forego this bad idea.
As suggested, I think my best bet at this point is to talk to the doctor. Our family has a great relationship with him, so this may be able to help or offer suggestions. If that doesn't work, I will have to distance myself from her a bit. Otherwise I will drive myself crazy! Like everyone has said, I can't force her to take care of herself, so I guess I shouldn't bother trying.
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"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats."
Albert Schweitzer
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It's true you can't force your mother to do anything - and you certainly need to guard against getting as obsessed with her as she is with food - but there are things you can try to help her.
Talk to her doctor. That will make sure he's aware of her problems and if he agrees with you that OA will be good for her, he can reinforce your message. He can also consider whether she is clinically depressed.
Get the family literature from OA and see what they suggest. You trust OA to help your mother so also trust OA to help you help her.
Attend an O-Anon or Open OA meeting yourself. If you can't find an O-Anon meeting, an Al-Anon meeting would also help - the issues are very similar. This will help you with detachment.
It sounds like other family members are concerned, so you could consider an intervention. I'm not sure how you would get help doing this. A local alcohol or drug rehab center might be able to direct you or her doctor might know or there may be discussion of it in the family OA literature. Since your stepfather is a pastor, he may know, also.
You could simply talk to your mother yourself, not to tell her what she must do but simply to tell her how you feel. "I love you." "I feel like I'm losing you to your food addiction and I miss you." "I signed you up for the OA newsletter without telling you. I know you'll be angry, but I'm so afraid of how you're hurting yourself that I didn't know what else to do." "I'm so desperate to help you that I even considered kidnapping you and taking you to an OA meeting." "It breaks my heart to see you make yourself so sick. Please tell me what I can do to help you."
Here are a couple of links you might find helpful:
web page
web page
I hope this helps. Addictions are heart-breaking, but there is always hope.
Take care.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Sand,
Thanks for all the helpful information. I did check out OA's web site this past weekend (hence the magazine subscription), but I'll look at it again. For some reason I did not see the information you provided on family support.
The kidnapping to the meeting was my way of doing a one person intervention. However, as I said, I am not going to do this. In fact, I may just not do anything at all. I've been trying to "save" her since I can remember and obviously it isn't doing any good.
I think the reason I started this tread was because I had just gotten home from talking to my step-dad about her (he brought up the topic because he's worried) and was really upset. But he's not willing to help me help her because he doesn't want to make her mad. I do have an appointment for myself with our family doctor in October. If I am still concerned, I'll talk to him then. Otherwise, I may just leave her alone wash my hands of the situation.
Thanks again!
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"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats."
Albert Schweitzer
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