Worried about my sister - could use some advice
#270055 - 06/18/06 11:56 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hey guys,
I just wanted to bounce this off someone because I am getting really worried about my sister and it's one of those situations where I don't know if I *can* do anything, or if I *should* do/say anything...
My sister and I used to be really close and we used to hang out pretty often. We always used to go to dinner, and then a movie. Then she couldn't do both, so we'd do one or the other. Then she didn't want to do either, so I'd go to her house and we'd rent a movie. She has a daugher who is seven now, and she won't go out with me 'cause she says she doesn't want to leave her. But even when I do go to her house, she has to go to bed with her daugher and lie there with her until she falls asleep.. which is usually around 10:30-11. So I end up sitting by myself for ages. Sometimes she falls asleep in bed with her, so I end up having to leave without ever getting to actually hang out with her. I think it's really bizarre to lie every single night with a seven year old until she falls asleep. When we babysit, she goes to sleep on her own all the time...
Anyway, so that's how it was up until maybe.. 6 months ago, maybe more.
Now we don't hang out at all, and it's not for lack of trying on my part. Every time I call her, she's asleep.. in the middle of the day. Her husband always says he is going to wake her up in an hour, and when I call back in like 2 hours she is either still asleep, or not feeling well. Every time I do get to talk to her (if I call her at work (she works part time)), she is always saying that she is tired and not feeling well. I've asked if anything is wrong, and she always says a cold or something but it's been like this for almost a year.
She wouldn't get together on Friday because she was too tired, but said we would watch a movie at her house on Saturday night. So I called. She was sleeping. Her husband said he would wake her up in an hour, so Adrian and I went out for dinner and called about 2.5 hours later. She is still sleeping and won't get up. She's not feeling well.
They used to come over for dinners to my parents house a lot, and now it is a rare occasion.. and the last few times, her husband showed up with their daughter but she stayed at home. They even cancelled last minute on the birthday dinner we had for me in October because she wasn't feeling well.
I just don't understand. I think that either she just doesn't want to hang out, and is making excuses or more likely there is something wrong.
I know a while ago she was on anti-depressants and she kept getting them upped and upped, so maybe she is just completely worn out from the medication, but that really worries me as well. She pretty much only leaves the house to go work or if her daughter wants to go somewhere (like the mall). They have a dog that she never walks (I will invite her to come out with me and Adrian and our dog for a walk, and she asks us to just take her dog and she won't come), she never gets any exercise.. yet she is always on about how busy she is. She smokes a lot, drinks quite a bit.. I am really worried she has dug herself into a hole she can't get out of.
The rest of my family has noticed, and has tried to encourage her to do things (like activities and things) but I don't know if anyone has actually said to her, "What is wrong with you and how are we going to fix it?" or if they just talk about it when she's not there.
Is there anything I can do? Is it my place to ask her if she is okay, or to tell her she needs to get some help?
I don't want to hurt her, but we used to have such a good time together and now she can't even sit in her own house and watch a movie with me.
I am really worried. 
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I think she is in some sort of trouble and it is nothing to do with you personally. I think her family NEEDS to step in and really confront her. There is something going on that has to be taken care of. Have you ever watched 'intervention' on A&E Sunday nights? What is going on is not good for her daughter either. It sounds like her husband is an enabler. If you care for her get together with the rest of the family and do something.
Just my $ .02.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Hi Stephie,
It sounds to me like your sister is depressed and in a deep hole. I have a friend who just got out of her hole, and realises now that friends who flagged it to her were trying to help, but instead she shut them out.
Could you maybe talk to her husband to get to the bottom of it? Or drop by unplanned (or planned in association with husband who leaves the 2 of you alone while he takes daughter out)so that you can have a chat and tell her that you are worried about her.
You are a good friend and sister for worrying about her. She may push you away to begin with but she will see the worth in what you have done.
Good luck with it, she is very lucky to have you.
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S.
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Hi Steph, I just want to say whatever you do PLEASE get family intervention!!! My nephew committed suicide 3 days before his 36th birthday. We ALL knew he was depressed and taking meds for it but we just figured he was a little more depressed over this woman who was using him and he wanted to be left alone to deal with it. Anyway, he shut himself off from the rest of us and his friends. This went on for about 3 months. We thought he was just busy working (he continued to work all this time)and he would get back in touch with us soon. Especially his grandmother who he was exceptionally close to. The next thing we know there's a phone call to my husband from the sheriff's department asking if we knew him. He had gone out and was drinking, not taking his antidepressants, and waited for the woman at her house (no car but on foot hiding). She arrived home and he shot her, put her in a plastic trash bag, put her in HER car (in the trunk) drove it to a creek, got out, pushed the car into the creek. He then went back to his apartment by foot and showered, then shot himself. Now there are 2 adults dead, a family devastated, (ours) and 2 little children without a mother,and her family devastated. Could we have done anything to prevent this? I don't know, but I sure run it through my mind over & over asking myself that question. How did I miss the earlier signs?? So,PLEASE don't worry about what your sister may say or feel about you for intervening, you could be saving her life!! I also agree, her husband is enabling her and he should be trying to reach out to the family for help for her.
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Depression and alcohol make a terrible combinatioin and I think this will only get worse. Family intervention is a good idea. Make sure there is some sort of legitimate mediator there. It doesn't sound like this is personal at all. She should get to a doc to be checked out physically (blood work, exams and such) to make sure the cause of fatigue isn't something going cooky with her body.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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