I'm super blue today. Need your help!
#264519 - 05/20/06 11:45 AM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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Augh, I'm having a sad day today. I am not sure how to get out of it.
It's so hard to deal with things-I've been with friends or family at all times this week so as to not have to be alone (well, always have my little princess with me)... and Trevor has been working so there's not a lot of time to talk and I really don't think he's ready to talk.
His mom agrees that he's mixed up really bad right now, and that some counselling would help him so much. Aside from ripping my heart out, I still feel so badly for him. We haven't said the D word yet, and I'm sure he's not taking care of legal things, as he told us he was here till at least September, or longer if needed.
It's hard to hope though, when he's not wearing his ring, and not able to talk. He is however, sleeping in the bed with me, and just fine to sit with me and watch TV together. He comes home after work,too. He sure doesn't have to.
I don't want to push him but I want him to see that I care about his needs as well. Help!! I had a habit of pushing guys away in the past and do NOT want to go down that road.
I'm sorry I'm putting this on all of you, but the more input i have, the better I will be.
thanks in advance.
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...but I wanted you to know I read your post & I'm thinking of you and your family.
I'm so glad his family and friends are supportive of you. Maybe they can help him "see the light."
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That's my biggest hope. thanks for replying. 
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it does mean a lot when anyone posts.
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Shannon...first and foremost PRAY! I have been there...twice...and it is no fun. Expect to go through all the stages of grief as you are mourning your relationship right now. Which is not to say that it can't heal because it can. You are processing...
I would encourage you to keep busy...take Kayleigh to the mall...go buy something sexy, treat yourself to a pedicure.
When things were really bad between my husband and yet I knew that he was going to stay, I went to Victoria's Secret, spent way too much money on something "special yet tasteful" and sent it to his office by courrier with a note on it that said "call me if you want to see me in this tonight".
Doing something like that was way out of my comfort zone but it was my attempt to meet him half-way. Having been in a loveless marriage for a few years, how is one supposed to feel amorous toward a brick? It worked!
Shannon...if you aren't subbing right now, why not join his waitstaff at the restaurant? You could pinch his booty as he went by  or just flirt with him a little. It can't hurt and it would be a little cash in your pocket.
When my husband "almost left" and I was in my cubicle crying for weeks on end, my co-workers wanted to throttle him and call him a jerk (and worse). The truth of the matter is that we both had something to do with the deterioration of our marriage, it wasn't just him. Sooo...I felt that I needed to step out of the box a bit and do my part. It worked...
I hope this helps...my heart really goes out to you. I DO understand as I have been there.
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Have a blessed day! Rachel
Formerly poochibelly...
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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cos im only 21 and never had any serious relationship stuff like this to deal with....but I just wanted you to know...and I know Ive said it already...but Im thinking of you at the moment..and sending lots of good wishes your way....stay strong......
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
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Natalie
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Rachel...
#264534 - 05/20/06 12:30 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I'm in a real bind because he doens't like sexy lingerie! Isn't that odd?? He loves seeing me in PJs, and that's what I wear.
I am subbing full time actually, I have taken the week off right now to cope with things-well, actually, I ahve taken a couple days off and we had a very long weekend.
I love working on his serving staff. We've done that before and it's worked out well. right now that's not where he is and I know he needs his space. So what I need are very very suimple things that don't involve me being in his face, know what I mean??
I absolutely have hope. I am praying like mad.
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nm
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Shannon, I think it's finally hit you and it's overwhelming which is to be expected. Try not to panic and give him his space - he sure seems to need it.
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What if you took your daughter on a week long trip somewhere, or maybe just stay at your Mom's, or a relative's place, and see what he thinks of being on his own with no contact with you and your daughter.
OR
How about you two role play that you're strangers, meet in a bar, then have a steamy night at a nice hotel?
OR
Have you thought about painting each other with edible body paints, then taking it off each other with only your mouths?
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Shannon,
So, let's get creative. What if you had on "sponge bob" jammies when he got home?
Does he like the house super neat? Are you able to keep it clean with a little one around?
Do the little things that make him happy...I am not saying you should suck up but little stuff that makes him know that you care. Don't overwhelm him with your actions..be subtle.
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Have a blessed day! Rachel
Formerly poochibelly...
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Shannon, I don't have much to say in the way of advice other than to keep busy. Please try to stay strong. You're in my prayers. I hope everything works out with you and your husband.
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Okay my friend … I really am saddened for you and your family, and wish for you the all the happiest and joy that you could ever stand. When I started visiting this message board your smiling face was always there. I can't visualize you any other way.
Now from a guy point of view … (and from one that is on a second marriage because I thought that I could not get along with the first).
What I have learned over the years, especially about myself, is that men really are air heads when it comes to their relationships with their sweethearts. And it's really, really scary how little thought that we put into any relationship. My own sweet mother would agree that I can not put two intelligent thoughts together while chewing gum, and doing the dishes. And I consider myself more intelligent than the average joe.
And about sex … half the time it just does not compute for us. We can become upset for not having enough, for having to ask for it, for having to initiate sex, and when I am busy with work, cars, household chores or anything else, become upset with a dear wife who is offering herself.
What!! … my wife can't read my mind?? Well then, I will just go off somewhere and pout! Until … I finally realize how good I've really got it, and then I will be slinking back. And we thought the female of the species is confusing!
Hang in there, sister! God loves you! My prayer is that our Heavenly Father will open Trevor's eye's, heart, and mind before it's too late. Before he says something that he will regret, and before he's 55 years old.
I know that it can be hard, but try to be patient, and understanding. In each of us "macho guys" there is a little boy just waiting to pounce and throw a hammer at something that is working so good.
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Hmm
#264550 - 05/20/06 02:27 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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Well you see, I have been thinking he would like the house cleaner, he'd like me pitching in for bills and he would realy like it if I get my butt in gear and get some exercise without making excuses. the sex thing, I'd love to work on but he's not there emotionally yet.
I'm definitely in need of new pyjamas, too...lol. I can't get any for 10 more days, but I think that will be a priority as well. Might as well look cute at bedtime instead of tossed together. i mean, we are sharing a bed.
I am going to work on those things then. keeping a clean house, more money support and at the very least, eating better. I've already lost about 9 pounds this week from worrying. i do NOT mind. Only about 40 to go, lol.
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gracie
#264551 - 05/20/06 02:31 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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thanks for the advice. I have thought of all those things, but right now, he's not in a very conversational place. I would love to do some pretty funky things to him right now but he'd have to be willing and he's not yet. As for leaving, well he works nights, and I work days and we share child care rather than using a daycare. Soooooo we have to be super nearby anyhow....see why it's frustrating??
Yeah, he's not very into talking and I thin he'd be mad right now if I tried to get him into bed...I think...
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Thanks J
#264552 - 05/20/06 02:46 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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that's what I believe is going on in his head too. he's lost his confidence in his work, which has always been easy. He's tired, I'm tired from being on stage all the time trying to get a teaching job, and the effort has sort of plummeted. weve had a rotten year with just a rediculous amount of bad luck in the last 13 months. It hasn't let up.
I'm praying with all my heart that this is the last of the bad luck for awhile. I realy believe in him, I really want to make it work, so I am going to make him no promises, give him lots of space, look at what I want to change about me, and change it.
I'm going to try to be happy and do what I want, since he feels like doing what HE wants. However, I'm also going to keep a tidy and peaceful home for him.
I hope then he will get that I'm a wodnerful lady. I know it...and deep down he does too.
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Re: Hmm
#264553 - 05/20/06 02:51 PM
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Gracie
Reged: 11/25/05
Posts: 1967
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Is it possible for you to eat a little more protein and less starchy carbs without aggravating your IBS? It may make your weight loss go quicker along with a good exercise regime. Have you tried Pilates, and an eliptical trainer? It's a great combination of exercises that melt the pounds off.
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I'm sooo not trying to put you down Shannon, but keeping a clean and peaceful house for your husband sounds like something I read in a 1950's home economics book. You work all day too, and you get tired. Shouldn't he pitch in and clean too? Maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine. What would he do if you were the one being selfish and making unilateral life changing decisions. Is it possible he thinks you're "too nice" to put your foot down and make some of your own demands?
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Post deleted by Shannon :)
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i am severely asthmatic, so I have to be very careful how hard I push myself.
I can't join a gym because I can't afford it.
Even if I could afford it, I don't have a time where I'm not at work AND not with kayleigh because trevor works nights.
And forget the IBS, it's so aggravated right now I'm barely getting food in me, and it's D right away, lol. Nice weight loss that way.
I do have a Pilates video I should pull out though, and I have a yoga book. I have always bought these things but never used them. I don't know why!! Anyone have any idea??
I'll be seeing a counsellor or pastor in the next few days too, for certain.
but you have a great idea for me. more protein is a smart choice. i am eating healthier now that I feel so gross, which is a blessing.
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Hmm, that's too bad about the asthma.
I bought the Winsor Pilates (3CD Set) and I find them to be great, and they really work your abs.
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that's one reason I'm wanting to hold on. he does dishes, laundry and was always gung ho about diapers. he's bathed kayleigh many times. It's sort of my job to keep things tidy though, and I have let it slip lately. that, I HATE. I have always been very good at that, and I was proud of myself for it.
And yes, I've been a pretty permissive wife, but he's also been a pretty steadfast hubby till this week.
I got Mother's Day flowers and even had you-know-what this week!!!
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and I had some really cute abs when we met, and they've gotten chubbier every year.:(partly due to an appendectomy right before our wedding, partly due to a baby, partly not taking care of myself.
It's a huge emotional boulder to lift, and I think now is a good time to do something productive for me.
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Okay, fair enough.
I'm just trying to help you out with some suggestions since so far there haven't been too many. I really hope things work out for the best.
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Yes you should concentrate on yourself for a while. You have to make a change in yourself because you want it, not for anyone else. When you do meet certain goals, make sure your reward yourself, for example a manicure, a pedicure, a much deserved massage, etc....just not food rewards, lol.
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Shannon
#264564 - 05/20/06 03:28 PM
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Double J
Reged: 03/09/06
Posts: 900
Loc: High Rocky Mountains ibs-d
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TRIAL NUMBER FIVE
by Carol Lynn Pearson
Carefully they laid out on the table Trials one, two, three, four, five and six.
"Choose one," they said.
"Oh, any," she cried, with a horror born of the best of Halloweens,
"Any but number five. It would kill me. I promise you I would not survive."
They thanked her graciously, escorted her out, then gift-wrapped, addressed, and labeled
"Special delivery" Trial number five -
Sent with love from those whose assignment it is to make sure you know that you can go through trials one, two, three, four, ninety-nine,
Or five -- And, incredibly, Come out alive.
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Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Gracie
#264634 - 05/21/06 12:40 AM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I love that you're giving me suggestions! It's exactly what I need!! Don't stop!!:)
Very very thankful.
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I'm so sorry this is all happening to you. I nearly almost died when I read your first post about what's happening with you and your hubby. Words can not even express how sad I was to read it. I know everything happens for a reason and I also know you can get through this. You seem like a really strong person and it seems as though you are understanding why and how this all happened.
Big HUGE hugs to you!!!! Take care and chin up!!!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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gracie,
#264695 - 05/21/06 03:15 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I've so wanted to do these things for me for a while now, but I haven't had a lot of encouragement. this is all the encouragement I need, I figure, lol/.
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I'm actually stunned at how strong I am so far. It's really quite amazing to me that I can even manage but you just do when there's a little one who needs your attention,energy and happiness. Thankfully she doesn't know yet and we don't have to tell her yet because Daddy's still living here and we're not at all fighting.
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That's great you're getting started! Start with a small goal, then set another one after you've accomplished it.
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