Serious support and advice needed!!
#259012 - 04/19/06 03:00 PM
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Natalie1985
Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 1329
Loc: UK - Leeds for uni, Merseyside for home!
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Im having the night from hell at the moment...I just don't know what to do....Im so sorry if I ramble on but I really need to speak about this I just don;t know what to do.....it feels unreal...I feel like my head is going to cave in...my head is banging...I hardly got any sleep last night because of uni stress....I have a report due in in just over a week and my major project underway and I just have so much to do I feel so stressed...and after my colonoscopy last week tummy has been playing up and Ive used it as an excuse to why Ive not got enough work done....
But thats not all....I was getting on with it all before and felt more positive....and then my flatmate came in crying her eyes out....and tells me shes pregnant....she doesnt know how far yet...we're weeks away from graduation.....and to make it worse her boyfriend has done a runner. Hes gone to his mums house and Im absolutely fuming....Ive left messages on his phone and Ive text him and theres no reply. His mum is not even being helpful she knows she pregnant but no one has bothered to come and see my friend and to see if shes alright....like you should do...shes just been pouring her heart out to me...shes so scared....she knows she can't keep it....she can't even look after herself let alone a baby and then the father wants nothing to do with her...shes been being sick everyday for 3 weeks and he left her and went out with his friends 3 days ago and hasnt been back since. He's trying to pretend its not happening.
To make matters worse he doesnt even believe that shes pregnant and phoned her to say he wants proof and that he wants her to send him a pregnancy test in the post!!!   Can u believe it??? He wont even come to see her, see how shes feeling, sit down and talk about it like adults. Hes pretending its not happening and his mum, even though shes sed she'll be there for my friend isnt even doing anything to make him see sense. Im so mad with him I could hit him if he was here. I just don't understand how someone can run away from something like this. Its not childs play this is serious stuff.
Whats the worst thing is that my friend doesnt have any parents....thats why Ive always been mothery towards her and her sister has brought her up. Her sister lives 5 hours away and is pregnant herself at the moment. Shes much older and has 3 kids already and is having the worst pregnancy ever with morning sickness and was shouting at my friend down the phone before....shes in no fit state to be dealing with this right now. Me and my other flatmate are the only 2 people here for out friend now and I just don;t know what to do or say. Im so stressed right now its the worst possible time that something like this could happen. Shes christian and shes always been against abortion and yet she knows she just cant have it and shes terrified and in shock and is having to deal with a boyfriend thats doing this to her. Hes breaking her heart when shes in the most fragile state. Her friend from back home is coming down tomorrow and Im sure her sister will come up too....I just feel like I need to be doing something to hep and I cant. How am I meant to work? sleep?
On top of that theres my other flatmate whos having family troubles and wnt be back till the weekend and is gona ring me in a bit to let me know about another stressful situation to do with us moving into a house next year and Im stressed about that too....I just feel like its one thing after the other. Why am I being tested on how to cope at a time when Im already going through enough stress. Please stop me going insane....I need advice badly....what should I do????
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 Natalie
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You poor honey, everything really is on top of you isn't it.
This will sound harsh, but your number one priority at the moment simply has to be you. I know that your friend needs you and that she has nobody but you need to take some "selfish" time too. You have to get your coursework etc in and need to get sleep and be healthy for your finals.
Most unis have counsellors- try to get your friend to talk to some of them. Also try phoning (or getting her to phone) some of the Crisis Pregnancy Agencies. (Not sure what the UK ones are called, ours are Cura and Positive Options) GO with your friend when she has her appointment to meet with some of the and then take some you time while she is there. You are a very good friend but your friend also needs someone who has experience and can actually help.
As for your friend's BF, I really don't know what to say. He is being a sh't obviously and will not face up to what is going on, but I think that they need to sort that end of things out without you. Your intervention will only end up causing trouble.
Try to help your friend to help herself. Google pregnancy advice in your area and help her through it, but don't sacrifice your degree for her problem, you will live to regret it. One of my friends had a breakdown during our finals. She had mini ones during end of year exams and I babysat her and my grades bombed. She sat repeats and got better results than me. I still regret not helping myself more.
I know this sounds cruel and harsh but you have to do it.
You are a very very good friend, and she is really lucky to have you.
Huge hugs,
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S.
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I can't imagine how stressful dealing with all that is. I think you are like me (since we are twins after all) and like to feel like you need to help everyone and put them ahead of your own problems. In this case though, I definitely agree with what Sinead was saying - you need to take care of yourself first. Being so close to the end you don't want to do anything to screw that up after all this time. I know how it was at finals time when people are freaking out and want your help, but you just have to get to the point where you say no. So even though this situation is a bit different and more complex, I say you deal with it the same way. Just take some time and leave you apartment to get your work done in peace and then you'll be able to get a much better outlook on things.
And definitely try to encourage your friend to get some professional advice. She is very lucky to have you around though.
Good luck and let us know how things are going.
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Hi Nat
You poor thing! You're obviously a lovely person, and want so bad to help everyone around you. I know how that feels, and you can end up messing up your own stuff by spending some much time and energy solving everyone else's problem's and always being a shoulder to cry on. You are at a crucial point in your course, and you already have so much to deal with with your IBS & all, I know it's SO hard but you will have to take some time just for you. Could you go and study in the uni library a bit? I know it sounds crazy though, and you'll find not being there 24/7 for your friend impossible.
On your friend's situation, she definitely needs professional advice and support. If it's any help I have been pretty much in her exact situation, and I got through it in one piece. If you want to know how I went about it, the kind of support I needed, or she wants to know exactly what the termination process will involve at every stage just drop me an email, I'm happy to help in any way I can.
She needs to see the uni doctor asap too, to find out how far she is gone and how she can go about arranging the neccessaries - even if she's not made her mind up sometimes it can take a while so you're best to get the process going, even if she did decide not to go through with it.
Hugs and kisses to both of you!! Feel so bad for you. Do remember though, as much as you love her, it is 'her' problem and not yours - you're just there to listen, and hold her hand if and when she needs it.
Good luck! xx
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http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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I had a terrible nights sleep again last night, probably got about4/5 hrs which atleast is something bt I dont cope well with less than 8 especially when its been nearly 2 weeks since I last had a full nights rest....I feel exhausted and Ive got so much to do.
I understand what you mean about putting myself first....its just a hadr thing tto do when all you want to do is help someone. She knows Im here and Ive told her to come get me if she needs anything. Shes about to speak to her sister who hopefully will have calmed down a bit today. She seems alright although Ive heard her throwing up again all morning.
Will keep you all updated.
Thanks for all the hugs and support....I need it.
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Natalie
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I know I have to put myself first and Im not about to sacrifice my degree or anything but it just feels like its goin to be so much harder to cope with now. I was already feeling like Im behind and have so much to do and this just dds to the pressure.
Thanks for all the hugs and support I'll keep you updated.
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Natalie
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and if theres anything you can tell me then yes if you email me it would be really appreciated. I know thats how shes feeling at the moment that she doesnt know what to do. Its not like anyone prepares you for these sorts of situations is it. Its just come as a shock and I dont think its fully sunk in yet. I'll send you an email in a minute and if you can advice us on anything please do.
Thanks so much.xx
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Natalie
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Nat, this is a lot for you to handle. Please don't think that you have to handle everything on your own. I know your friend's circumstances and the fact that she doesn't have much family but there is only so much you can do. Try to be there for her as much as you can but don't forsake your own health and schoolwork over this. Maybe I am being a bit cold but your have to rmember the big picture here and your own future. Trust me, friends come and go. That is a fact. I am not saying this person won't be your friend for the rest of your life. But you never know, and you have to stay focused on school as difficult as that may be. I have not read anyone else's response and I am sorry if I came across as cold regarding your firend. I do feel for her and I have no respect for so-called "men" who don't take care of their responsibilities.
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School comes first. You don't want her mistakes to cost you your degree. It's OK to empathize and support her, but don't get caught up in it. It's NOT your problem. You are not responsible for any of them. Be a friend. Not a problem solver.
Hugs, A.
PS - I hope the stuff I sent you was helpful! I'll try to send more today.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Wow, that's alot.
First, let me say, you are there for a reason.
Let's take one thing at a time.
Try to get some sleep for starters. You won't be able to do much without it. Don't think of everything at once. Do one project at a time. Get some ginger tea to settle your tummy.
Then, look at your priorities, school-wise. Just take a few deep breaths. Things will get done.
As for you friend. Yeah this is a serious matter. She's Christian, right. She needs to pray first, which I'm sure she's doing now. God knows everything that is going on in these situations. He knows the end from the beginning. She could always give the baby up for adoption. They're are plenty of couples who can't have a baby on there own.
Do your best to be the friend she needs. Before you go saying, "Well, I come first." Just think if you were in her shoes. Like I said, you're there for a reason.
Yes, you shouldn't put your education at risk, but when it comes down to it, another human life will outlast an education.
Do the best you can for you schooling. Do what you know you can. God knows your situation too. He's willing to help. Sometimes we just need to ask.
Chamomile tea is great for relaxing to, just before bed.
I wish I could do something to help you guys out.
I'll be praying for you both.
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Kiwi
IBS-C
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