Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Dear Diary -- My MIL sent this to me. Gym membership, good for a laugh.

Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week

of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I

decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased

with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a

diary to chart my progress.

---MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing

eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my

pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse

was so fast, but I attributed I t to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging

as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in

the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

---TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then

she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I

made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I

feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

---WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have

a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda

was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and

when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate

an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would

help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

---THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a

half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not

looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,

then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

---FRIDAY:
I hate that broad Belinda more than any human being has ever hated

any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me

to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want

dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me

off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have

been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

---SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her

made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I

lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching

eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

---SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go

and thank G-D that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,

my (sadistic) wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root

canal or a vasectomy.

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If you're not dead, you've still got time.

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