need help and support - something i've never told anyone about ever
#250449 - 03/07/06 09:39 AM
|
|
|
|
jaime g
Reged: 07/27/05
Posts: 961
Loc: new york city
|
|
|
hey guys. i need some support about this. it's something i've never talked to anyone about, ever. (clearly taking advantage of the semi-anonymity here, of how it's easier to type than say things face-to-face.) this is usually something i can handle, but i was struck by an attack of really intense depression last night, and i need to, i think, start getting able to talk about this. (ugh, even typing this is hard.) it's going to sound like so little, typed here, but, well - it's about my breasts. i know that almost no one's are exactly the same size, but mine are really, strikingly uneven. they're both (considering my body) small - i'm practically flat-chested on one side, and the other, though bigger, is shaped oddly, too. this has, in a lot of ways, completely crippled me. forget not being able to go without a (padded) bra and not having worn a swimsuit in probably six years (i think my friends think it's a weight/body image thing), but it has really interfered with any semblance of a love life. i've never had a boyfriend, and i think this is a huge part of why - i'm just terrified of being naked with someone. i hate how my breasts look, so why would anyone else think they're sexy?
it's been like this for years, since i was maybe fourteen or fifteen. (i'm 23 now.) most of the time i forget about it, but then something comes along - bra shopping, the prospect of physical intimacy, or just out of nowhere like last night - and it hits me, hard, and i just feel this huge, crushing sadness and futility. because what can i do? get breast implants (which i hate the idea of, since they're not perfectly safe and worse, not permanent), or just deal. (i could also, i guess, have breast reduction on one side, but then i'd be basically flat-chested. which is fine, and would be better than this, but on my body wouldn't do too super much to help with the body image.) sure, i have issues with the rest of my body, but this is different. when i was 17 or 18 i made an appointment with a female doctor at my pediatrician's office, telling my mom it was about allergies, but i chickened out of telling her. i had a physical last month with a new doctor, and he did a breast exam - i was lying on the table when he did it, kept my eyes closed, and started crying - i cried through the end of the visit, and for most of the way back to work. i have my first appointment with a gynecologist in a couple of weeks, and i'm determined to talk to her. even if i have to write it down because i'm too terrified to even get the words out of my mouth (forget the fact that i know i'll start sobbing). (writing it all out here, telling anyone at all, has to be a step towards that.) the thought of even telling my mother, or my best friend, paralyzes me. every so often, when the despair about this hits, i'll look at plastic surgery before and after pictures, and the results amaze me. the idea of having normal breasts is just unbelievable to me. i don't care if they're *big* or whatever - just to look like i do now with a padded bra but without the padding would be amazing. to be able to wear whatever bra i want. bathing suits. to not freak out about a guy seeing me without a bra. (just wearing a sports bra to the gym was a big step, but it flattens me out so much you really can't tell anything.) i can't imagine what it's like to have breasts that look right - not perfect or anything, just normal. i know, i know, normal is a huge spectrum, no one's body is perfect. but if it's stopping me from living a healthy, normal life in so many ways, it's not right. (i'm praying that that angle could get insurance to cover it. because this has surely damaged me psychologically.)
ugh. anyway. that's it. i'm terrified of the gynecologist appointment (for this and the usual hey-there's-a-stranger-putting-a-cold-metal-thing-in-my-vagina reasons), but even more scared of what could come next. (it seems easier to tell a doctor, a stranger, than my mom or a friend.) so i could just use some support, and if anyone has similar stories. like i said, i've never talked to anyone about this ever. i'm somehow managing not to cry as i type this - last night it hit me during a reading at work. i cried a little the busride home, and when i got to my apartment i went right to bed, and cried myself to sleep. it's horrible and i'm terrified and really don't know if i can do what i think i need to.
--------------------
jaime
ibs-a (mostly d) // vegetarian
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Ok, I can't really come up with any practical advice. I know that lots of women have mismatched breasts, although in your case it sounds a little more pronounced, and maybe harder because you are small to begin with. Mine are different sizes too, but not TOO noticeable, and I'm usually a B, so it's ok. I can understand how it's hard to find bras and swimsuits though, because I have a good friend who is completely flat, and she hates it.
As for what options there are besides implants...I don't know. But speaking to a professional is a good step. I can understand not feeling comfortable talking to your mom. If I were to talk to my mom about a problem like that---although she loves me dearly---she'd try to convince me it's not important, and I should be happy with who I am. But sometimes that's REALLY hard to do.
But you SHOULD talk about it, and if you start with a doctor, so be it. Maybe she will have some options you aren't aware of.
As for intimate situations, well, like most happily married or attached women, my instinct is to say that a good guy won't care. But I'm a realist: just cause he might not care, doesn't mean you don't, and sometimes insecurity can be a huge roadblock to physical intimacy. So I don't have a solution for you, but I wanted to say you're not crazy for feeling the way you do, and I hope talking to the doctor will help you in some way. Just go in there telling yourself you're going to completely open up---and it's ok if you cry, you wouldn't be the first to cry at a doctor's appointment!!
--------------------
 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Jaime, I think it's important you talk to your gynecologist about this and I'm glad you're finally asking for some support.
While I don't have your exact problem, I do have a long scar on my chest from open heart surgery. I've had it since I was a child, so I'm used to it, but in PE classes in middle and high school I could see the other girls staring and hear them gasp. This may seem strange, but to me the scar is beautiful - but it's my scar, so it holds meaning for me. Still, because of how girls reacted to it, I'd make sure to tell my boyfriends about it. Advance warning, I guess. Anyway, in college, when I had my first serious boyfriend, I told him about it. To my surprise, he thought it was sexy. Now that I look back on it, I think maybe it was my attitude and confidence in myself that made it sexy. Your breasts may be uneven and not the "norm" but I think if you're open about it in a relationship and with a guy who really likes you, it shouldn't be a big deal. There's more to "sexy" than you think. Jaime, from what you write here, I know you're brilliant, and from your pic I can see that you're beautiful and sweet too - and that's sexy!
I hope your gyno appointment goes well. You'll keep us updated, right? 
I'm sending you lots of hugs! 
Edited by Maria! Maria! (03/07/06 01:29 PM)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi Jaime,
First of all, I think it is perfectly natural for you to be scared and feel the way you do. The media and advertising doesn't let us forget for a minute that unless we are perfect in every way from our breasts to our toes, we will be rejected by all the men in our lives.
I will be 60 years old in three months and my left breast was always bigger than my right breast, my cleavage was bigger on that side . . . and no boy ever noticed. I didn't have a problem about one being misshapen as you seem to have, until I had breast cancer. Then I really had a problem. First of all, I lost a chunk of breast and was left with a scar. But that healed well. But radiation turned my breast into what looked like the bad side of an alligator's foot.
The really awful part was I got cancer in my right breast which was the small one! I told my oncologist that I wanted breast augmentation and she agreed I would be a good candidate for augmentation but after I saw the ruin of a breast I had after radiation I didn't see how that could ever be reversed.
I felt really sorry for my breast and massaged it every day. I am white but my black friends from the West Indies told me to use coconut butter. That is what they used to get rid of scars on their dark skin. Within a few months the alligator skin started to disappear and although it doesn't look quite the same as my bigger breast it looks a whole lot better than it did and I massage it every day.
Not only that, but I have a new boyfriend who loves that breast as much as my bigger, ordinary looking left breast. Again, he doesn't even notice. I had surgery only 16 months ago, doll.
But you do what you have to and don't worry about it. For Pete's sake don't feel guilty about it. We let society dictate to us too much. It's your body and no one else's.
Colynda. 
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Jaime,
My daughter had the same problem that you have. I watched her for years cry every year when the weather warmed up, or when she was shopping for a dress for prom and just buying regular clothes. My heart broke for her and it didn't matter how many times I told her that the size of her breats didn't matter it did to her and that was all that was important. Nothing I said made her feel better. She finally did have breast implants, she is 25 now. I think that was the happiest day in her life. The size didn't matter she just wanted to be normal.
I'm not saying this is the best answer for everyone but it was for her. It is good you are going to a woman gyn. so hopefully you will feel more comfortable talking with her. I have found that woman doctors are much more understanding about woman issues than men are. Usually when I go for a physical my doc takes me to her office before I get undressed and talks to me about any problems or concerns that I may have. It is easier to talk when you aren't in one of those paper gowns. Please find the courage to talk to her about your feelings and concerns.
Like Bev said, in 20 years this won't seem like such a big deal but I know that it is now. If you decide that surgery isn't the right thing for you maybe couseling is an option to explore your feelings. There are many men out there who do not care one bit about the size of a womans breast or if they are the same size. Society makes us feel that we must have the perfect body, breast size, etc. to be loved but in reality this isn't true. The women who seem perfect in the magazines are a small miniority. The average woman has flaws and men love us despite those flaws.
We are all here for you and hopefully being able to open up on to us will help give you the courage to open up to others.
--------------------
Janey
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'll just start babbling, and maybe it'll help, or maybe I'll just be... um... babbling. But hey, it's worth a try, right?
Thankfully, I'm the Queen of TMI and totally without shame about it, heh. 
For starters, you're completely right that nobody's perfect - of course! - but you might be surprised to know that unevenness is more common than you'd think. I didn't even know that until I was... hmm... well, older than you are now. LOL I had a lot of the same embarassment, because I'm drastically uneven. The difference between the two breasts is more than a full cup size. (As of right now, Lefty is a DD, and Righty is a C.) To look "normal", I wear pads in one side. (Well, when I think to, or when I think it'll matter. Most of the time I don't even think about it anymore - trust me when I say that this WILL matter less as you get older.)
More than the size difference, though, I've been very self-conscious about the shape of them. I'll just say that they seriously lack perk. LOL The nipples point straight down. They've always been that way, ever since I started developing when I was 11 or so... and let's just say that it's only gotten more pronounced with age and weight fluctuations.
I thought the same thing you did, when I was younger - who on earth would ever find them sexy? - but the truth is that not only WILL someone, but "sexy" is a total package deal anyway. You'd be amazed at how invisible our flaws are to the opposite sex (or gender of choice, whatever!), when they're attracted to you & care about you. I've been married & divorced twice & I've dated a lot of men - I know of what I speak. Not a single one of them was ever repulsed by what I saw as my worst body flaw - in fact, most of them really loved 'em! Go figure!
Anyway, I think that you have a good plan of attack here, for starters. Talking to a gynecologist is a good first step... and I agree, writing it down is an excellent idea. In fact, to fully convey to him/her how this is affecting you, you might want to just print out this post - don't try to make it seem like it's less of a problem to you than it really is, out of fear or embarassment or whatever.
(And by the way, take a deep breath, relax, and don't be afraid of the gyno... honestly, truly, the exam isn't nearly as bad as 99% of women make it out to be. The speculums are typically warmed a little these days, and remember that the "stranger" is a professional who does this all day, every day, and has for years. And it all goes very quickly! Going to a regular doctor's is a hundred times worse!)
I can't say for sure that your doctor is going to agree or disagree that surgery is a good idea. Because of your age, they might recommend waiting, but then, because of the impact this has had on your mental and emotional health, they might think otherwise. Just keep an open mind about what they suggest.
And hey, if you ever need to email to just vent about it, my inbox is always open. I've come to a sort of peace about my weird misshapen breasts, but I know all about the evils of self-image problems and what they can do to you, so I'm at least a sympathetic ear.
*hugs*
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
aww.. I'm sorry you are feeling so down about this.
Unfortunately, I don't have any pearls of wisdom to share, however, I have read and learned that almost half of all women have breasts that are different sizes. Generally, just about one cup size, and I'm not sure how different yours are. I say talk openly to your doctor if you can muster the strength. I think the problem is actually a lot more common then you'd think.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
The "normal breasts" website... obviously, not at all safe for work, but something that was posted in a love-your-body kind of lj community that I'm part of, and felt like it was at least a little relevant:
http://www.007b.com/breast_gallery.php
You've probably seen stuff like that anyway - it was definitely not anything new to me - but sometimes a visual reminder helps.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh, Jaime.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Like many other women, I don't have a matched set, either. I'm on the small side, so when I was a teenager, it was REALLY obvious. I went through all the thoughts you had and was just totally obsessed about it. I either wore something really baggy or put a pad in my right cup.
I would like to say that I came to terms with this gracefully and now lead a full, rich life even with horribly lopsided breasts, but actually, I got really really sick (unintentionally) and lost a ton of weight. I lost a bra size and eventually ended up as a 32B. They're still different sizes, but it is definitely no longer noticeable. (I am obviously not recommending this as an option, particularly since it could be it was just some kind of freak of nature that this happened. Just saying what happened to me.)
As much as we can all sympathize, only you know what you're going through. I'm not going to say that in ten years you'll laugh at yourself for your silly fears -- or that guys will love you no matter what -- or that you should go get a boob job and you'll be OK. I don't know if any of that is true, and it's all just essentially platitudes anyhow. I do know that you are going in the right direction by (a) posting about it, and (b) talking to your gynecologist -- facing a problem head-on, even one with no easy answer, is still a hundred times better than letting it fester away inside you.
Therapy is an obvious suggestion -- talk to someone. Maybe not a trained professional, but maybe just tell your best friend what's going on. I know it's really tough, but friends are there for emotionally trying situations. And eventually maybe you'll find that you do need surgery to truly be happy with yourself. And that's OK, too.
The funny thing is, after all the tests/surgeries I've had, I've lost pretty much all self-consciousness. At one point I was in a recovery room and my way-too-large hospital gown slipped down enough for one breast to pop out. I just said, "Oops," and tucked it back in. A couple years ago, I would turned red, grabbed the gown, triple-knotted it, and not have been able to look at the nurse ever again.
If you want to talk more about any of this, please feel free to email me. lilivare@gmail.com
--------------------
jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
--------------------
jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
Posts
