I need help my 5 year old wont play by herself
#249226 - 02/28/06 03:40 PM
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Lyndsey
Reged: 02/16/05
Posts: 581
Loc: Bay Area, CA
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i've gotten her coloring things, drawing things, she loves to do art and projects...i've gotten things to play make-believe, a kitchen ($160) all these christmas toys to play make believe, or use her imagination, and she WONT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. i'm so frustrated, she refuses to play by herself. if i have her go to her room to play, she sulks on her bed. i'll begin playing with her, to show her what games she can play...what she can do with her millions of toys..and as soon as i'm gone, she wants nothing to do with any of it. I'm so frusterated, i've threatend to take her toys, and give them to kids that would appreciate them...i've shown her kids in africa that hardly have toys and clothes, and their toys are like a tin can...it's so frusterating, i cna't do anything, becuase she constantly expects me to entertain her....i was an only child as well, i was actually negleted alot of my younger years, until i just went into my own room..to this day i tend to talk to my imaginary friend..lol..who has grown up with me...lol...but i had no one to play with alot of my younger years..except for the occational friend..which wasn't allowed alot, because to my mom everyone was goin to abuse me...but i reember playing all kinds of stuff...with toys, just by myself. i was an orphen on a boat (my bed was my boat, and the house was an ocean....) for lunch and stuff i was found stranded...and a kind person would feed me....you know....does anyone have any ideas?? i'm at my wits end....espcially in june i'll be having baby #2...she's really going to need to learn to play and entertain herself
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Hi Lyndsey!
Was she always like this or do you think it's because you're pregnant and she's nervous about that?
Either way...I would suggest telling her you;ll set a timer for 15 minutes and if she plays by herself you'll come and play with her for five minutes. And go in shifts. Maybe this will help her learn to enjoy her own company...just a thought.
Maybe you could make her a game yourself (make oe up...you sound SUPER creative...what a lucky kid you have!)and you;ll play that special game with her IF she plays by herself first for half an hour?
Just some thoughts that came to mind. I bet you'll get more great responses from some of the mommies :-)
Let us know how things go *hugs*
Love,
sarala (Ruchie)
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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It definately sounds like it is attention seeking. She probably is concerned that the new baby will take you away from her. That would be completely normal behavior. Try to keep in mind that play time is supposed to be fun and if you force her into it it becomes more of a punishment. Does she have any friends that can come over to play with her? When the new baby arrives there will be a of period jealousy but if you include her in preparations and let her know that she will get to help teach the baby how to grow up, she may be more enthusiastic about it. Some children you just have to allow to "sulk it out" for a while. If she wants to just sit on her bed and not play, let her. So long as she is fed and warm and safe, you can't really force in to playing. And eventually she will probably get bored and start playing on her own. If she insists on being with you, then you can tell her how she can help with whatever you're doing. No matter what it is, unless the activity is simply too dangerous, there is always a way to incorporate children in. If you're cleaning the kitchen, she can help put dishes in the washer or throw away garbage. A lot of the kids I've worked with love to sweep. If you're getting ready for baby, you can ask her opinion on where things should go or ask her to hold something for you or teach her how you use different types of baby gear. Basically, if you are trying to encourage the imaginative play, offer the play or to help with what you're doing. If you give in and do what she wants, she'll know that you will do it again. I've been working with children for years and this behavior I've seen time and again. Feel free to e-mail me with any questions. I've probably already dealt with something similar to it. Sorry this is so long but it's right up my alley and I wanted to share my ideas. I've been in childcare for so long. Good luck. 
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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much ebtter than my own. I think you're right...ou can't force a kid to play by themselves. But they also shouldn't be able to demand your attention and get it whenever they want it. What great ideas you have...if we're ever able to have kids I will DEF be coming to you for advice hohoyumyum
Good luck Lyndsey...hope things work out for you 
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Give her some one on one attention. Then explain, "I'm going to __________ and you're going to play for a while, and THEN, we will ____________ ". At 5 you could point out the clock and explain when that will be. Little picture cue cards could even help as a reminder. Also in her play time maybe offer options, you can either do this or this, but those are the only two choices right now, because this is the time that Mommy needs to _____________.
I'd say there is a security issue going on right now, esp with you pregnant, but some solid one on one time followed by an explanation that the playing alone time is not FOREVER, it is finite and something desirable will follow that, should help. She needs to know she is loved and you like being with her, but she also needs to gain a sense of separation "security" (best term I can come up with), that she doesn't have to interact with you ALL the time in order to know that you're there and love her.
Hope this makes some amount of sense! 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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how about getting her a puppy? Is she ready to take on feeding a puppy and making sure it has water? Take it on walks?
A puppy would give her her "own baby"...a playmate of her own.
We bought my daughter a mouse when she was three...she did a great job with "Mickey". I wouldn't suggest a mouse but a small dog would be great!
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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my daughter has ALWAYS been like this...always needs to be by my side...for a little history, i had her at 19, left her abusive father before she was born, he wasn't around for about 2 years, then suddenly wanted 50% custody. i'd lived with my mom rent free, and i'd go work for a family to watch their child, with kapiolani. at 3 i got a job as a trainer, and worked longer hours, she adjusted to the schedual, and was ok. at 3 1/2 my ex sorta forced his way to live with us, we soon moved from a studio to a 2 bedroom, he was really horrbile to me and not that good with her, so he left within a few months...he started stalking me, and i had to get a restraining order. we moved again to a smaller apartment, closer to my work, and mike, months later...in june, 9 months after moving again, we moved with mike to his appartment, the following month, we moved to a 3 bedroom because at the time we had a roommate...so now we are here, but probalby will move again in a few month, to a cheaper apartment, because i wont be working...so thats the story..she's obvously been with me through out it all..and i think part she jsut might be afraid i'd leave her, though i never have, or would...but i can't say it's been really stable...as far as living situations go.
but since she's been a baby she's been like LOOK AT ME!!! and pretty high maintanance, so i'm guessing alot has to do with her personality.
Mikes good with her most of the time, but sometimes he doens't understand that getting mad, and staying mad at her all day is not right...i get mad with her...send her to her room...and i actually ususally let her decided when to come out (unless it's really bad..this is if she throws a tantrum) then she's settled down, gotten her anger out, and will come back and talk to me about whatever went wrong.
but when it comes to playing, she'll only want to play WITH people. I was more interverted, i could hangout by myself, but was forced to too...she's been around me and grownups so much more than kids...(except in prechool and kindergarden) taht she's actually really mature for 5. her mind understands alot more than alot of 5 year olds would understand.
but its like a punishment when i tell her to go play, and it kills me, becuase for one, i'm like what i would do for someone to say, "go play" of coruse kids don't get that...but for another reason, i use to play by myself all the time, i told her that too, she said "well thats because grandma had alot of work, and you don't" i was like YOU little SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....in my head..but geeze its like i give her too much attention....where do you find a happy medium?!?!??!
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it's frusterating, mike tries to include her when he builds stuff (he does woodwork) he'll actually give her a scrap wood, a hammer and nails, and she'll hammer away at her work, for like 5 minutes, and be like...ok i'm done...he'll give her ideas to do stuff...no they all suck to her...i give her ideas...no they all suck to her!!
but your ideas i'll deffinatly try!! you never know!! they sound good...but this child is very head strong about how she wants stuff.
i can give her like 20 math problems (addition) and she'll go to her room and do it. her homework, she'll do alone..smetimes drawing...but she gets bored of that after a while too. not as quickly as playing...but really...ENJOY YOUR CHILDHOOD!! as i once heard...youth is wasted on the young...they can't appreciate it...darn these kids!! lol
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Wow, lots of thoughts. For what its worth, here are mine: let her bring a few things into the room you are in, and do some "parallel" play - you do your thing and she can do hers. A lot of time the attention thing is actually looking for the comfort of you being close by. I was in a similar situation with my oldest (now 16), and with all of the upheaval, me in the room was what he wanted most. I also think the idea (somebody gave above) of 'help Mommy or go entertain yourself' is great. We used both of these a lot with all three of mine, and they loved helping clean (dusting, etc.), and do dishes (mostly rinsing plastic, but hey!). Thye still help, but the fun is all gone now Another suggestion: keep the television, video game, and computer game thing to a minimum - it seems to require a LOT of Mommy time, AND they forget how to use their imagination.
I would see if you can maybe get her involved in a neighborhood sport or group so she can meet some friends, or even a half day twice a week program. There are even some co-ops out there run in churches that would work. Something so that she gets out among other people and other kids. The more she does, the more experiences she has, and the more she'll have in her mind to use in imaginative play - just be sure to leave her time for that!
Just one word of caution - a puppy is like a two year old, forever. And a five year old won't do the majority of the grunt work. With a new baby on the way, you might want to put this one on the back burner, especially since they do about as well as kids do with change, especially before they get older and more settled. A hamster might be better - at least they are smaller, but you can handle them, and the house can move with you.
Oh - one more thing. Sometimes, as you seem to hvae already found, the cheapest toys provide the best bang for your buck - playdough, scrap paper and finger paints; empty boxes, glue, and glitter; your old pots / pans, etc. for cooking (or playing the drums on) - you get the idea. Maybe she could pain the wood when she finishes hammering and sanding?
One nice thing, two isn't much more time consuming than one, once you get used to it  . Enjoy them both, and good luck!
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Beth
IBS - D
Edited by BethE (03/01/06 11:46 AM)
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Wow, you two have been through a lot. She is probably picking up on your fears and concerns. Even though she may be very mature for her age, which many children are, she is still only 5. Her little brain just can't process info the same way an adults can. I like the idea of getting her involved in some sort of group activity. something non-competitive would be best. Have you considered therapy of any kind for the two of you. Sometimes people just need a little help with explaining how things are to their children. It's probably very hard for her to understand what is going on. She may even feel at fault for everything. I went through a similar situation as a child and I spent a long time thinking if it weren't for me... I know a lot of people roll their eyes at the idea of going to a church for family counseling, but it's usually free and it couldn't hurt. I think the problem is much more deep rooted than just not wanting to play alone. I would like to say also that you shouldn't feel bad about it. Just the fact that you're looking for advice and considering how to use it shows that you are a caring mother. One more suggestion and I hope I'm not stepping on your toes. When you send her to her room for a time out, tell her when it is done. It can be very difficult for children to determine when they are ready for anything. 5 minutes for 5 years. You can tell her time is done or get a timer that dings and set it for 5 minutes. That way she knows when the punishment is done and she won't have to worry about it once it's over.
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