Joke
#248413 - 02/24/06 11:28 AM
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ecmmbm
Reged: 02/23/03
Posts: 1622
Loc: North Carolina
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This is long and starts out a bit slow but trust me it is worth it! I spit food out...
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted.
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<
Michelle
IBS-A, pain predominant
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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God is Faithful!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I was a killer tomboy when I was a teenager and never dressed up EVER. I didn't have any girl friends but had a bunch of guy friends I played hockey with, boy's lacrosse (1st girl in my county allowed to play on the boy's team  ), rock climbed, etc. I dated NONE of them, tho most tried, and otherwise had a great time.
When I was 16, I came home from a dress-up event at a church one Sunday morning, and as soon as I was inside the front door I kicked off my dreaded heels, ripped off my dress and pulled off my pantyhose! My dress-up clothes were pretty constraining (esp the hose), and as a result I was having an IBS attack and passing naaasty gas.
I tore into my bedroom, farting all the way, to get my bathrobe so I could head to the bathroom for what was going to be an extended D attack. Naked as a jaybird (tho my face and hair were still done up) I tore into my bedroom to find 3 guy friends seated on my bed, waiting for me to come home. 
My mom called out from the other room that Dave, Glen and Bill were waiting in my room. Too late, I was naked as a jaybird farting my ass off and they were already laughing their heads off at me. 
Ah, memories. Really happened I swear.
~nelly~
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Isn't it funny that we can look back on things like this(that mortified us a teenagers) as funny when we "grow" up?
Alyson
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Everything in life happens for a reason, patience will eventually tell us what that is......
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OMG Nelly, what did you do????? AGH!!!!!!!!! I would have died!
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You know, I just made myself scarce, and I could hear them hooting and laughing the whole time I was cowering in the bathroom. But I grabbed a towel and went right back in to face the music (and grab some clothes).
I wasn't ashamed of my body (what of one I had) so it wasn't a big deal. Years later while I was in college in England, some boys took my clothes and towel out of a shower I was in and left me with just a small face towel. The entire floor was waiting for me when I exited. But I turned it around, totally naked strutting slowly to my room, head held high and tiny towel wrapping my hair. They'd taken the door off my room too. Those bastard$! It shut them up though, and the called me lady godiva the srest of the semester. Guess those blokes weren't expecting the skinny American exchange student to shut them up with a defiant show of booty. Heh heh.
~nelly~ "The shame is like the pain. You only feel it once."
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