Really missing my Mom and totally lost on the wedding planning...
#246100 - 02/14/06 12:15 AM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Hey Guys,
I could really use all the advice I can get. I'm so happy to be engaged and know I should be celebrating, but I find myself just really missing my Mom. I don't know how I can plan a wedding without her. My closest friends all live in other cities...my little sister lives in the same city with me but is way too busy with University to be of much help.
I just know so little about weddings that I don't even know where to start. I've looked on a few websites and everything and they've just intimidated me...I've seen things I would have never thought of, such as having an "event licence" I don't even know how to go about coming up with a reasonable budget because really, who says what is reasonable?
I'm just so lost...anyone have any tips? With me not working right now it's the perfect opportunity for me to get started so that by the time I go back to work I've got a lot of details already sorted...but I didn't expect to feel this stuck.
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Kelly..
#246102 - 02/14/06 02:26 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Hi Kelly-
The whole wedding thing is a whole new world and a new vocabulary. I found www.theknot.com to be a great site for help and tips and to do lists. Post on some of the wedding bulletin boards, you'd be amazed how much other brides want to help. Try to find a Canadian one that has people in your area on it so that they will be able to give you good tips.
Remember, you have lots of time so play a bit and dream a bit. Wedding planning is fun but stressful too.
A lot of the tips are quite local re marriage licences etc. My top tips are to read and browse and find ideas that you like and what you want from your wedding eg huge party -vs- intimate affair etc and start from the very beginning. The first thing that you usually need to choose is a venue and from there it will all start to take shape and you'll have an idea what your wedding will look like.
Best of luck with it all, it really is fun!
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S.
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Don't let a wedding planner or someone talk you into some over the top wedding, for heaven's sake, unless that just happens to be what YOU want. Sit down and think about what is important and meaningful to you and your fiance. I think premarital counseling/planning with a pastor is a great idea but I don't know if you have anyoen like that in your life. Our wedding was cheap as far as weddings go ($1200 total including ALL, even dress) but it was meaningful to us.
Just ENJOY THIS part of your life, and think of your mother smiling down because you are in love and HAPPY!  Maybe another special woman in your life would take your hand and help you through this? I hope so!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Is a daytimer system that is very popular in the US and they have a wedding planner insert that several of my friends have found helpful.
My husband and I eloped so I am no help (for finite details anyway)! 
Take a look at www.franklincovey.com and see if it might be something you are interested in.
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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First, congratulations! Second, what is your future MIL like? Could she put on the Mom role and help you with this? Also, I don't know what your budget is like, but it might be worth looking into a wedding coordinator (though sometimes they are more trouble than they are worth). Also, I understand your sister is busy, but tell her to suck it up and get over it -- you're her sister, you'll help her when it's her turn, and you need her to help now. We've all been to University, we know how busy it can be, but we also know there are plenty of days spent lying around reading Cosmo with your girlfriends. I'm sure she can set aside one afternoon a week to help you out. In my three years in law school (much busier than college, I promise), I've thrown two baby showers and a bridal shower. It's possible to make time, just ask her nicely and show your appreciation.
Also, go to the drugstore and pick up a bridal magazine. I'm sure there is one for getting started, etc .... maybe there's even a "weddings for dummies" book? Also, all of my married friends have enjoyed the book "Diary of a Mad Bride," (I made the mistake of ordering three copies on Amazon, and now Amazon thinks I'm perpetually engaged and always recommends bridal stuff to me. Talk about rubbing salt in my wounds!).
Don't forget about us here, we can certainly be of help. Also, I'm sure there are some wedding message boards you can try too. Have you looked in Google Groups?
Good luck and congrats again!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Everything Cailin said! Once you've decided what size affair it will be, book your officiant, church (if that applies for you),reception venue, and DJ. If catering & cake don't come with your venue, you will have to book the date for that, too. Once that's out of the way, you will be ahead of the game.
If you luck out like I did, you can find a reception venue that does the food, the cake, and the bar. It was great - saved me a few phone calls. If you book far enough ahead of time, you won't have to worry about the menu until closer to the wedding.
We booked our March date the previous August and didn't have to look at menu stuff until January, if I recall. We decided to do heavy hors' d' ouevres instead of a sit-down meal. It went over well with our crowd.
Pick up a wedding magazine or two. They have tons of ideas for everything. Also, check out theknot.com and/or indybride.com.
Make yourself a checklist. There's probably some of those online, too.
As for cost of the wedding, once you've called a few places and gotten their costs, you'll get a better feel for budget.
I don't know about Canada, but costs vary widely in the US. In some parts of the country, $20K is considered not too bad. HOLY COW!! On the other hand, our wedding almost 2 years ago in N. Illinois, was about $8K. Probably would have been at least twice as much if we were in Chicago or another metro area. And, like someone else said, it doesn't have to be expensive. I know we could have spent less.
Oh yeah, one more possible budget shocker - flowers! But there are ways around that, too. You can do them yourself or see what a good grocery store can do for you instead of a florist. Or, you can just not have tons of flowers. That's what we did. I'm not a tons-of-flowers kind of gal and my church sanctuary doesn't lend itself to that anyway.
Good luck, and do have fun with it!!! We're here when you need us. 
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I used to work for a wedding director of the Chesapeake Bay Beach Club in MD. I can help you with alot of things if you need it. There is a website theknot.com that has almost everything piece of information you can imagine. Your first step should be to find a church and a reception hall and make sure they are both available the same day. Depending on when you want to have your wedding, some people take 2-3 years to plan it, you can start looking at dresses, bridesmaids dresses, centerpieces, etc. If you are getting married in more then a year, you may want to wait on purchasing a dress as styles change from year to year. There is loads of information on the web and as well as bridal books (we have MD Bride). Please let me know if you have any more questions and I am more then willing to help you and give you some ideas. My email is rn21666@yahoo.com
And your mom is still with with. She is looking down at everything you do and will continue to guide you.
Brandy
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with Cassi's that I'm planning currently..
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Kelly,
Having never planned a wedding... I don't really have much tips there 
However I just wanted to offer some hugs and support. I'm sure your mom is looking down on you/all around you [insert your afterlife belief system here]... and just beaming with pride and happiness for you.
Maybe you can do a nice tribute to her at the wedding? My aunt died a few years ago (pancreatic cancer too, actually), and less than a year later my cousin got married. They lit some candles at the ceremony and had a nice table with flowers and candles and her picture on it, just as kind of a reminder that she WAS there. It was really beautiful.
*HUGS*
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Hey Kelly! I'm so excited for you!! Ok, first of all try to take a deep breath and relax, it WILL come together and all work out! First, like the others said, what size wedding and how "fancy" do you want/can afford??
Will and I choose to buy a house instead of spend a lot of money on our wedding. We got married in his family's church in the little upnorth town that he grow up in. There was about 75 people total. The reception was at the boat house at the local ski resort. It was right on the lake but it was just a cement floor with banquet tables and folding chairs. We decorated it nice with wild flowers and ribbons. I had my grandma stand up with me and just let her pick out her own dress. We did hire a DJ, I think that was $450. My mom and I made all the food in advance, we had baked chicken, with all different kinds of salads and veggies and rolls and fruit and I forget what else!! We did pay a couple hundred for a nice cake. It was a beautiful day and it was right on the lake and there was a playground for the little ones to play at and everyone had a great time!
I spent $250 on my dress and Will rented a tux. I did my own hair and make-up and Wills parents bought us the honeymoon suite at the local hotel! We couldn't really afford a honeymoon since we were buying a house but that was ok!
My point is, you can spend a LOT of money and have planners and lots of foo-foo stuff if thats what YOU want but if it isn't, thats perfectly ok too!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm planning a wedding too so tell me what you need to know?
Try the web sites:
www.theknot.com
www.weddingchannel.com
www.ewedding.com
I am so sorry your mom isn't there to help you. That's sad. But I agree that she's looking over you and is thrlled that you're engaged.
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time of year and type of venue and overall budget (get an idea before you start!
I had a 25K wedding here in town, my mom went way overboard and it was NOT what I wanted... but we are throwing Cassi's wedding for about 2k including dress- dress, undergarments, shoes, and fittings are about 1k, and her inlaws are providing food (she's a caterer) for about 3-400$, so overall budget is about 2400$, but thats still not huge! 50-60 expected guests in a park! ceremony in the same place as the reception, but very fancy attire and we are using nice tables and chairs... my wedding was at a fancy hall and had events all weekend long for LOTS of out of town guests.. If you need suggestions or help, I am sure I can help some from here... but I am not doing another entire wedding- this one in June is draining a lot of time and energy...
Amie in MI
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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going down to Cuba or mexico and getting married on the beach? Your honeymoon/wedding will be cheaper than a wedding here. I had a 100 person wedding in Edmonton, catered and very simple. Cost us $10,000 CDN all together.
plus, i am SO not the planning type.
if I'd have known about that option before our HONEYMOON in Cuba, I'd have gone that route. We went for a week to Varadero (I say Cuba because it's fairly quiet, not super touristy) and stayed in an all inclusive, and added a few things on, all for about $3000 incl. airfare. Totally worth it!
And if you want to add to that cost wise, you can fly family down. It'd def. be something I'd do if I had it to do over. wedding planning is VERy stressful. Trevor has only yelled at me once, and it was when MIL was taking over the show. My mom was almost ousted from my life for controlling every detail.
this way it's a nice tidy package, and it's all included, and THEY do all the work.
Hugs, and I know your mom's up there grinning.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Hey Shannon,
Thanks for the suggestion...it's something that we had talked about except that I have an intense fear of flying that I doubt I would overcome in time. And really...I wouldn't enjoy it if I was hung up on the flying issue.
Plus, I've found two beautiful places here in London that offer all-inclusive packages that SEEM reasonably hassle-free...I don't know, depends what my Dad gives me for a budget I guess.
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Thank you for your suggestions and help...I appreciate it. I dont think I'd want a 25K wedding either...but I may be in the neighborhood of 10K...who knows? I think it'll come down to how much Scott and I can afford to contribute and how much his family could contribute...that way it's not all falling on my Dad. I may hit you up for some ideas though...if you don't mind
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Thanks Tina!
#246347 - 02/14/06 04:14 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Wow, theknot.com certainly has a lot of information doesn't it? Kinda blows the mind!
I don't know...a few of the things I'm struggling with are just etiquette issues...for example, if I want to have an engagement party/bridal shower, do I just have to hope that someone will throw one for me or do I ask someone? Or do I throw one for myself?
Also, do people in the wedding party pay for their own outfits and then you just get them gifts, or are you supposed to pay for the outfits?
Another thing I'm struggling with is whether to include my Dad's soon to be wife's children in the ceremony. They are nice kids...her daughter is 3 years younger than me and her son is only 1 year younger so I figured she could be a bridesmaid and him a groomsman...but I'm not sure about that either. It would be a nice way to include them and by the time we get married I will have been their step-sister (or whatever) for more than a year...but maybe they'd find it weird.
Ok, that actually seemed like a lot of questions (sorry!).
Kelly
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Laurel
#246348 - 02/14/06 04:16 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Thanks for the kind words. Sorry to hear about your Aunt...pancreatic cancer is nasty. Was she very old?
I love your idea of a tribute (another thing I had never thought of)...and I have some perfect pictures so that will be really nice.
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Michele
#246349 - 02/14/06 04:19 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I love how you refer to it as "foo-foo" ... that's perfect. And believe it or not, I think I want the foo-foo. In most aspects of my life I'm totally casual and everything but for this, I don't know, I guess I want the foo-foo (see my other post with pics of my 16th birthday).
However, that doesn't mean I feel the need to have the most expensive wedding either. I just want to be able to invite everyone I want (really dont' want to start picking and choosing) and have it be on a level with the previous weddings that have occurred in my family (reception with DJ and sit down 5 course meal or so).
As for how much I can spend...I really have no idea...my Dad has said he will pay but would like Scott's parents to contribute and we'd like to contribute too (I definately want to buy my own dress and bridesmaid's gifts).
So I guess I'll have to sit down with my Dad and Scott's parents and try and hammer something out
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Thank you very much for your offer to help...I will save your email and may take you up on that I've been browsing through theknot.com and it's pretty overwhelming. And I hope to start looking at reception sites this weekend
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Thanks for all the tips! Yeah, I think we must live in a fairly expensive city because I've been calling around and things are pretty pricey...starting to wonder whether we should go back to our hometown for the wedding as I imagine it would be cheaper (but not nearly as conveinant for all the out of town guests - of which there are many).
And thanks for mentioning the flowers...I think that may actually be a place where I can save some money because I'm not much of a flower person either AND I have really bad allergies so I'd be ok going with fake flowers (as long as people don't consider that tacky or something)
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Amanda
#246353 - 02/14/06 04:24 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I love the comment about my sister...you'd have to know her but telling her to suck it up would not work She's a sweetie don't get me wrong, but has serious anxiety issues and is in a new relationship and just lives in her own little world...I don't think she'd be much help even if she were trying unfortunately.
As for my future MIL, I think she might be really interested in helping out, my fiance is going to speak with her tonight about it. And I know that my Dad's fiance would love to be as involved as possible but I don't know her as well as my future MIL so I may be more comfortable with the MIL.
I did find one group specifically for London Brides which has been helpful, but it's very small and not very active which can be annoying...I like a nice active board! And I love your suggestion or "Weddings for Dummies"...that's totally what I need
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Thanks for the tips...you did do really well for your wedding...did you have a lot of guests? I think that's what is going to kill us...I don't need an expensive dress or flowers or things like that, but our guest list is going to be big thanks to my fiance having the world's largest family I do want something fancy though, but I don't think I'll use a wedding planner as I can probably find things cheaper on my own (I hope!)
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Thanks Cailin
#246356 - 02/14/06 04:27 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I know, I never thought that there would be so much to consider...I don't know how people plan a wedding on their own and continue with their regular lives...their just seems like their is so much to do.
I mentioned it in a reply to someone else but I did luck out and find a board for brides in London so that's been helpful, but it's a very small community so I'll definately try theknot.com too
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That wouldn't be too great, worrying about the flying.
And you know, in retrospect, i loved being able to party with all of the members of our five combined families and our friends. 
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Do not plan a wedding and make a movie at the same time.
It'll help give you IBS.   And it's just an insane thing to do.
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Quote:
I don't know how people plan a wedding on their own and continue with their regular lives...
This is the thing..your regular life goes on hold when you are wedding planning. Every time you walk by a shop you will look in the window for something wedding related. It's an obsession. It's also a lot of fun when you are doing it, and at the same time a big relief when it's all over!
That's great about the local board, people will be able to recommend suppliers etc. Hubby and I are control freaks and we did almost all the planning ourselves. I got my sister and friend to organise my hen party (bachelorette) and I got my Mum to book the church as she is a friend of the priest. I got my brothers to do a lot of "fetching and carrying" the week running up to the wedding but apart from that we did it all ourselves, and that meant that the day really was "ours" in a very personal way.
Enjoy the planning, and remember that we are all here to help out!
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S.
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and helping on a few others then planned... friends of mine eloped but I'm helping them with their reception too!
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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The Lamplighter is really nice. We had our reception at the Bayham Community Centre in Straffordville. It was a wholesome, home cooked meal that came out on platters family style. Nice relaxed atmosphere. We even had ice cream sundaes for dessert (I didn't of course). Anyway, you might want to look into community centres. They are often WAY less expensive and the food is home cooked. If I remember correctly, I think we paid 15$ a plate which included all pop and mix for drinks at the bar, AND the evening buffet.
Another idea - your Mom died of cancer right? Here's an idea - a friend of the family's Father died of cancer shortly before her wedding. So instead of wedding favours, each place had a small card saying that "in Lieu of party favours, a donation has been made on your behalf to the Canadian Cancer Society in Loving Memory of ...." I wish I had known that before my wedding. Who likes those silly little favours anyway? It would be a really nice touch to honour and remember your Mother. Just an idea.
My bridesmaids had their dresses made. They all picked out a pattern from Fabricland, we bought the fabric on sale and they made it themselves or had a dressmaker make it. The fabric cost $30 including tax.
I was just in a wedding this summer as a bridesmaid and we wore Alfred Angelo. The dress was over $300 plus $50 for alterations plus tax, plus shoes, hair and makeup made it an over $500 event for me. Plus a gift. Whew!
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I had 2 bridesmaids... and 2 wedding colors.. I asked each of them to wear any dress in a color (different colors) then they looked great, and it was affordable for both.
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Yes, just pick and choose what info you need or want. There's lots of infothat only applies for ENORMOUS and super expensive weddings. lol
Your maid of honour or a bridesmaid is supposed to throw you a party. It can also be done by a family member though! I didn't have a bridal shower and it is a bit of a sore point for me. The two people in my bridal party are my 12 year old nice and Tommy's sister. So neither of them lived in Ottawa. But raelly, my fiends should have thrown one for me. Too late now to whine though!
I wouldn't throw one for yourslef. What you could do is hold a dinner at a restaurant and invite your friends/family and call it your engagement dinner. That isn't tacky.
Yes, people in the wedding party do pay for their own dresses, shoes and whatever else they need for the big day. You can tell them what you think is fair to pay though. I wouldn't go above $200 for a dress.
And yes again, you do buy them gifts to thank them for being in your wedding. These are typically given out at the rehearsal dinner if you have one. Or the day of the wedding. Typically, for women you buy jewellery or soemthing they can actually wear the day of the wedding. But that's not to say that you have to. Another popular option is a gift certificate to have their hair or makeup done, or a facial or massage.
Do you want them to be in the ceremony? You can have them there just as guests (who get to sit up front since they're family). Don't feel like you have to include them if you don't want to.
Ok, I hope I answered all your questions, feel free to ask me more!
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Re: Michele
#246489 - 02/15/06 09:21 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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HEHE! I say if you want foo-foo than you should have foo-foo!! Nothing wrong with that at all!
Its great that your Dad is willing to pay and both places you picked are beautiful!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Alicia
#246594 - 02/15/06 03:29 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Thanks for all the suggestions...I LOVE the idea of a donation to the Canadian Cancer Society in lieu of little party favors (I wouldn't have known what to put out anyways).
I posted in another post but will definately look into community centers. You said the Lamplighter was nice...have you ever been to a ceremony there? Or just a reception (or neither)? The ceremony part just seems a bit weird because guests can see you from their rooms...I guess it's a bit unique though!
Did you have to decorate the community center yourself? And could you have the ceremony there?
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Thanks Tina
#246595 - 02/15/06 03:31 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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You're information was very helpful, I really appreciate it. I just wish Scott wasn't working so much right now so we could sit down and hammer out a guestlist because it's really hard to get things figured out price wise when we don't know how many people we are going to be inviting.
As for my Dad's fiance's kids...I think I wouldn't mind having them in the party...it would be a nice gesture and they are really nice kids and we photograph well together Plus, I don't have a lot of close friends so it's not like there are tons of people for me to choose from.
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Well....
#246597 - 02/15/06 03:33 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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My Dad's story keeps changing everyday..it would probably be better if I waited until after his wedding (April 22nd) to start talking about costs but if I wait that long we will have to have a winter wedding or wait until 2008 based on the availability of the places I really like.
I hope I can butter him up and get what I want...I'll definately be reasonable but I'm pretty fixated on a few things...and now he's talking about having Scott's parents go 50/50 with him and they can't afford that so I don't know what to do  Gosh, I've been engaged 5 days and it's already a huge headache!
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I miss your profile pic....now where's it dissappeared to?? or is it just me who can't see one?
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Natalie
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The most important thing to remember is this is your wedding. It can be anywhere you want, any way, invite any one. Relax and look through books and talk to people and watch movies and look at anything else that will give you ideas. My husband and I eloped in Reno. We spent about $600 on everything (my dress included). We invited his brother and parents and that was it. It was so much fun and we just wanted to be married. We didn't care about all the fluff. I know that doesn't work for everyone though. But it was completely stress free. All we had to do was be there.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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AWww thanks Nat!
I took it down AGES ago after a little paranoia about having things like that up here and when there was someone I knew that I wanted to recommend the site to. I might reinstate it for a little while, although I have piled on the pounds so it doesn't really look as much like me as it should anymore (working on it though )
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S.
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I just got back from a meeting planning session. I'm doing an event in October, and I wish I were planning a wedding instead!! I direct events for a living and although I've never done a wedding, I'd love to do one eventually (I have planned a couple of bachlor/ette parties, but that's different! ).
I am doing a grand reception/welcome social at the Army-Navy Club right next to the WHite House for the first night of the event. Should be cool!! I get to do the food tasting in a couple weeks, yum! Gonna stock up on the imodium for that one!!!!!!
There's another reception too in Georgetown on the waterfront, which should be niiiiice on the next night. I pointed it out to Brittany while she was visiting up in DC over the summer. I'm totally getting into the planning now because the actual event is in 8 months. Next I get to pick out welcome gifts for the attendees. I love my job today.
Good luck with all the details, and if you get hung up on anything, drop me a message anythime! I'm always hanging out in the Living Room! (I'll be napping on the sofa in front of the TV, lOL!)
~nelly~
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Oh yea....
#246850 - 02/16/06 04:40 PM
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Natalie1985
Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 1329
Loc: UK - Leeds for uni, Merseyside for home!
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Ive had a little paranoia over that one too....sometimes I think maybe I should get rid of it as Im sure it will get me in trouble someday or something...*touches wood, don't tempt fate* but then I think aah well am not ashamed of it and its a safe and well monitored site so...
as for piling on the pounds?? I don't believe you...you were tiny when I visited in the summer...I have actually lost some weight...am aiming to be down to 9 stone for summer....I am 21 days and counting without sugar.....now as a fellow chocoholic....I know you will be proud of me....and thats sugar in all forms....NO CHEATING!!! My substitutes have been lots of fresh apple and mango juice and fruit!! Am eating super healthily these days and not isb technically friendly...by that I mean not much soluble fibre n lotsa fruit, veg and lean meats/fish! Tummy is reasonably well behaved tho.....Im a woman on a mission!!!
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Natalie
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