Tips for getting through a break up?
#241379 - 01/25/06 07:00 AM
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karyash
Reged: 04/11/05
Posts: 94
Loc: Fargo, ND
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Does anyone have tips for getting through a break up? My BF & I broke up last week and I am having a terrible time. I don't feel like eating, I've had D, can't sleep, etc. We only dated for 4 months, but we were pretty serious and I thought that he could be the one. He said he wanted to work things out, but hasn't called in a week and pretty much left me hanging with no explanation. Not something you do to someone you "love". Anyways, I know I need to distract myself, which is easy during the day because I work & have kids. The worst time is at night when the kids are in bed and we would be hanging out. How long is it going to take to feel better? Help! 
Kristi
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My bf of 3 years and I broke up 4 months ago, and I cried for 3 hours last night. I'd been doing pretty well, and then I got an email from him on Saturday, congratulating me on getting a job (he'd heard from my brother). We hadn't communicated in months (per his insistance) and then I get this generic email not even talking about his feelings at all. So, it totally sent me for a loop and made me question whether I really am over him, after all.
As far as dealing with the breakup, I've mostly just been trying to focus on things that make me happy -- going out with my girlfriends, concentrating on my schoolwork, watching tv, etc. It's not easy or fun, and I have no idea how long it takes!
I hope you start feeling better soon!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I don't think anyone knows for sure how long it takes to get over a break-up. There's the old adage, that you should double the amount of time together and that is how long it will take. Kind of dumb if you think about it... I think it is best to focus on your life and not dwell on what you could have done better and beat yourself up. Try to keep busy. It will take time but you will be fine.
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Awww, sweetie. Breakups suck big time. I think if he said he wants to work things through, maybe he's waiting for you to make the next move. What you need to ask yourself is this: Are you really missing HIM or having someone in your life? Are the issues that caused you to break up irresolveable or something you're willing to work on?
For the sake of peace of mind, I might drop him a quick phone call - don't dwell on things, but ask him if he feels the same - does he want to end things or give things another try and why. That way, at least the wondering will be over. It might be more painful in the short run - but at least you won't have any regrets in the long run.
Just a suggestion to think about. Ultimately, YOU have to do what YOU feel is best for YOU. Take care, sweetie.
Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thanks Alicia. You really made me think. At this point I'm not sure if it's him I miss or just having someone. I am willing to work on our issues, but it seems that he isn't. We broke up last Tuesday. He came over that night to get his things and said that he loves me but needed a few days to think. He called the next night and that was the last I have heard from him
I did call him on Sunday and he did not return my call. I talked to a mutual friend that day and my ex told him that he would not return my calls. So he left me hanging. I would just like to know why he doesn't want to try so I can get some closure. It looks like I won't be getting that. I just have to find a way to move on from here.
Thank you for your advice and kind words.
Kristi
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Aw sweetie, that sucks! I'm sorry! Its hard when you don't feel that you have the closure but sometimes there just isn't going to be any and you still have to move on. Try to accept that and don't dwell on the what-ifs, they don't matter now! Find yourself a good hobby to start working on after you put the kids to bed. Maybe you can join a class of some sorts, exercise or hobby or cooking or whatever, just to get you out once in a while! The worse thing you can do is sit home and mope. Have yourself a good cry, get mad, beat up your pillow and pretend its him if it makes you feel better! Get it out and try not to look back. He obviously wasn't the right guy but I'm sure you'll find the right one soon! Hugs!!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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If he wasn't willing to work on issues, then he isn't worth getting back. It sucks that he won't talk to you, but do the best you can. Move on. You're young, beautiful and have to wonderful children. Focus on that. Keep yourself busy and try not to think of it. Move on. What ifs get you nowhere.
Hugs and hugs and hugs,
A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Amanda
#241545 - 01/25/06 01:54 PM
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My 2 cents is to cut off all ties with the ex. I think it's better that way. I'm sorry you're still hurting.
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Re: Amanda
#241696 - 01/26/06 06:59 AM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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I'm also sorry you're still hurting Amanda. I hope you come to some peace with this soon.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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How do I cut off all ties when I'm still hoping we'll work it out? We broke up with so little closure, so much "we'll see what happens," I don't get how I should just decide that it's totally over, when that wasn't what we said at the time. I feel pathetic for hanging on, but at the same time I can't really declare it over when that's not what I want. Boooo. Stupid boys.
Thanks for the support!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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It seems like everyone in my life is telling me how to feel, one way or the other. Thanks for just hoping I feel better!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I am not sure if anyone gets true closure after a break-up. You shouldn't feel pathetic. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. One thing I will say is that you shouldn't keep your life on hold in anyway. You have a new job, live in one of the greatest cities in the world and have your whole life ahead of you. I guess what I am saying is be open and let the possibilty be there for someone else who may be better fit for you...
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Hi Kristi,
The BEST thing you could do is cry it all out, get it all outta ya, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and climb back up on that horse. Get out there and mingle. Force yourself to have a good time with others. "Living well is the best revenge." The BF, no matter how things were left between you, is wondering how you're doing without him. SHOW HIM you're doin' GREAT! If he should decide that he made a big mistake and comes back to you, you want to know that it's because he really wants you, NOT because you needed him so badly that you couldn't live without him.
Of course, by then, you will have moved on to someone more deserving of you. Now where's that HORSE?!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Oh, I didn't know that there was still a chance to work it out. That in itself must be hard. I think you guys have to figure it out asap.
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Thanks Tommy. I'm definitely not putting my life on hold. I'm dating a lot (well not in the last month but I was out of town for the holidays), and I'm open to meeting someone. I'm just still kind of holding on to the hope that he and I work it out. We didn't break up over any huge event -- he was just still living in the UK, and I needed him to make a committment if I was going to keep doing the long-distance thing, and he couldn't decide what he wanted. I couldn't hang in there anymore so I ended it. I have to admit I kind of thought that would send him chasing after me, and it really hasn't. Now I'm still in the same boat, wondering what he wants, etc. I really wish I didn't still want to be with him, but so far, I still do. It doesn't help that he's my older brother's best friend, and that most of the people I see socially are our mutual friends. He gets to go be in England doing whatever, and I have to put on a happy face around our friends (but not so happy that their tongues will wag about how heartless I am, etc). In short, it stinks. I've reached out to him and told him how I still feel and that I still want to work it out, and he's said that he's not ready to talk about any of that yet. I told him that if he doesn't want to be with me anymore he should say that so I could move on, but he wasn't able to say that. So, here I am, still stuck in the middle. It's pretty annoying.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Re: Amanda
#241772 - 01/26/06 11:38 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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That's so rough! Some people don't want to be the Bad Guy in the relationship, and they just put off making decisions, string people along, whatever. To these people I say, "Shove it, you insensitive, indecisive mindf**k!" Not making a decision is a decision in itself! They're not making it easy, it's actually harder when there's no definitive closure. I need closure!! My friend just moved to CA to be with his GF, but he got his own place and is being very passive about having a real exclusive relationship. Poor girl is being strung along and she's blinded by the possibility that he might eventually put a rock on her finger. So exasperating seeing this kind of trainwreck unfolding! You can't help who you fall in love with. Sigh.
Sorry for the tangent. AP, you deserve a guy who's got better geography! Emotionally and physically! You go out and do whatever make you feels good, and if it'll happen it'll happen. In the meantime, let him see how desireable you are by seeing you with someone else! You're quite a catch and I know life will drop someone great in your lap.
~n~
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You really made me feel a lot better. At this point I am all cried out. I am at the point where I'm angry at him for not giving me closure. I plan on going out with my gilfriends this weekend and having a good time. From the way he left things, he probably doesn't care how I am doing - but so what? I am going to show him that I can pick myself up from this! I'm not ready to date yet, but when I do I will definitely find someone better who will not treat me this way.
Thanks so much for responding. You always have great advice!
Kristi
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Thank you for responding. Breakups do suck. I have been through them before, but it's been years. I agree with you, if he isn't willing to work on issues, he's not worth it. Who wants to end up married to someone who disappears at the first sign of trouble? Not me! I am going to take some time for myself and then move on with my life. Thanks for your advice - I appreciate it.
Kristi
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Your response means a lot to me. I didn't get true closure from him - but him not returning my phone call is all the closure I need. It speaks for itself. I can definitely find someone who values me more than that!
I have my kids & friends to keep me busy. I also do scrapbooking so that will help keep my mind off of things. I am going to go out with my girlfriends as much as possible. I may even join a gym to get myself out of the house and make sure if I run into the ex I am looking as good as possible!
Thanks again!
Kristi
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Thanks for responding. I have heard that you divide the time together and that is how long it takes to get over the person. Either way, it is stupid. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone, it takes a while. Yes, I will be fine in time. Thanks!
Kristi
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Amanda...
#241843 - 01/26/06 02:39 PM
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karyash
Reged: 04/11/05
Posts: 94
Loc: Fargo, ND
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I'm so sorry that you are still hurting. I can't imagine what it would be like to end a 3 year relationship. And you didn't get closure either. Hopefully you can resolve it soon - whichever way it goes. It's not fair to string you along. Thanks so much for responding. I hope you feel better soon too!
Kristi
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Oh YEAH!
#241900 - 01/26/06 05:18 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about! Girl, you got it goin' on! That absolutely, TOTALLY the right attitude!
Let us know how your weekend goes with the girlfriends. I have a feelin' you're gonna have a blast. And with each laughter, you'll lose just a little tiny bit of him from your heart, I guarantee it.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Sorry to hear about your troubles. I've found the best way to get over someone is to find someone better.
Yeah, a lot of people lower the bar and eventually settle, or go for a 'rebound' relationship -- but that's unfair to do because you only end up hurting that person.
So raise the bar, up the ante, and get what you deserve. I wish you luck! 
Warm regards,
EvilCats
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For some reason I woke up missing him this morning and I just can't shake that feeling. I want to call him so bad that I am seriously considering sitting on my hands so that I don't!
I bought the book "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" last night and I can't wait to read it. It looks funny and helpful.
I am trying to be strong. I am going to have a great time with my girlfriends this weekend! Bev, I hope you're right - I feel like he took part of my heart and I want it back.
Kristi
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He Didn't!
#242018 - 01/27/06 07:59 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Quote:
I feel like he took part of my heart and I want it back.
Trust me, he didn't. And don'tcha dare give it to him! If you call him, you know how you'll feel afterwards. If he wants some "space," give it to him. Calling him will work just the opposite of what you want, and you'll just end up suffering even more. Let him wonder about you and how you're doing without him. Even if he doesn't want you any more, he's wondering. Trust me, he's wondering. LET HIM WONDER. Show him you're an independent woman who doesn't need his kind and who can turn right around and find someone better.
You'll have a BLAST this weekend. Look forward to that. Don't look back. That's over and done with, it's water under the bridge. Don't give away your power, don't let your ex take away what you could offer someone better.
YOU CAN DO THIS! I know how it feels, trust me. While it was a long time ago, I never forgot the pain. And yet, the way I handled it truly determined my character and made me so much stronger. It may be a cliche, but it's true. I know.
HAVE A SUPER WEEKEND WITH THE GIRLS!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hey Kristi-
Sorry to hear about all this. I, too, and in the midst of a relationship meltdown and it's killing me. I have been with my BF for a year and a half and things have just disintegrated into a really sad state.
Here's the advice I gave to myself to get me through: stay strong and reaffirm to yourself that you don't need him to be a whole person. You need someone who will ADD to you, not TAKE from you. You have made it thus far just fine and will be able to pick yourself up, dust off and get back on with your life. Learn from your mistakes and learn about what to avoid in the future. Don't rush in and fall in love..take time to get to know someone again so you can avoid looking at him a year later thinking "wow..if I'd only known"
Lastly, crying is a good release. But just think, he's not sitting around moping and crying over you! Screw him! Show him you're not going to crumble just b/c he's not interested in how you feel. Show him that you are one kickass, strong gal who can take care of herself AND be happy, thank you very much!
I know, easier said than done, but I gotta tell myself it's better to be happy and single than to be in a miserable relationship.
I hope you're feeling better today! Feel free to email me if you want..misery loves company and all 
Amanda
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Just a mental image of an ex stomping out a flaming bag of pooh always makes me feel better. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I've been left hanging too. I think almost all of us have. And I also had been with someone I thought was the one. But when I met my husband, I knew he was the one. Never gave it a second thought. From the moment I met him. He says that we always loved each other and just didn't remember it until we met. You'll find it. In the meantime, there's always the flaming bag. I heard a story about 2 monks who lived together and had each taken a vow of silence from sunrise to sunset and had vowed to never associate with women. One day the two are walking near a river and they come across a woman drowning. The first monk goes out to her, pulls her from the water and asks if she is okay. After sunset the second monk asks the first why he had broken their only two vows. The first monk replies "Yes, I picked her up and carried her. And then I set her down and walked away. You have been carrying her around all day." You can set your ex down and leave him there. You don't have to carry people around with you. I believe there is a reason for everything and that sometimes those reasons aren't revealed to us until later. If you aren't together then you're not supposed to be. Something better will come to you. Instead of looking behind for your ex, look forward at what is to come. Best wishes.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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